Why does my sister act this way?

Okay. Kind of need some advice here.

Well you did ask. I am 62 years old. For much of my life I kept silent around my family. Just like the bumper sticker says "Silence Equals Death." When i started speaking out was the most empowering time of my life. Being silent is like agreeing to them.

Shirley in Oregon

Hey, I live in Bristol too!!

Take her to New Haven (I used to live there) and she how long she lasts making those comments before someone punches her.
I kid. (mostly lol)

See if anyone else in your family feels the same way you do and have a family meeting about how it makes you guys feel when she acts like that

Ditto-but I was going to suggest touring Bridgeport, New Britain, Waterbury or Hartford (park st or the north end). It would not take long for her to become painfully aware of how inappropriate her comments are. You wouldn't even have to do the confronting-it'd be taken care of for you! Win-win.

Okay. Kind of need some advice here.

OK, ignore her and rise above that fray.
Be better and just allow your sister to rant, then be bigger and take no offense.
Those who can do this are never rattled by such people.
You can't change others, but you can change you.
So, change..:smokin:

Love this!

Have you talked to her about the fact that the way she talks offends you?

No, she's one of those overly defensive people. If i'm honest with her, she gets highly defensive and turns it on me.

Stop inviting her over. Sounds like she's obnoxious to be around.

We don't invite her ... she decides to come over and spend holidays here .... lol.

Tell her to leave or not to show up then. I'm not sure what else you can do really. It sounds like confronting her will do no good, so standing up to her is your only real option.

I hate confrontation too. But, given the right situation I'm more than willing to take a stand so as not to feel like a doormat. I hate having to do it, but it always feels better when it's over with. It's scary but empowering. Plus, as a generally quiet person, when I stand up for something my listener usually takes me seriously.

In your situation, I'd probably eventually say something to her. If keeping silent listening to her makes you miserable enough, then maybe it's time to stop being so quiet on the matter and do something to make her a little miserable instead. Why should you suffer for her poor behavior?

When she starts complaining and insulting my town, I'd point out that, "Well if you really hate it that much, you don't have to stay and tell me about it. If you don't like it, you can leave. I enjoy (thing she complains about) because (honest reason). I don't complained all day about the ___ and ___ when I go to your home, do I? You're my sister and I love you as a sister, but I don't enjoy your visits as much as I wish I could. It hurts me to admit that, but it's the honest truth. You're welcome to stay though if f you decide to talk about something more cheerful, so that I can enjoy your company for a change. But either way I'm staying here and I don't want to listen to you insulting me and my life any more."

I've had a similar exchange before with someone and it worked better than I imagined. She probably will get upset for a comeback like that. But I'd rather the rude sister be upset than a sweet sister be upset. Yes, it would hurt her to know that you don't like her company at the moment, but it gives her a reason why and an opportunity to fix it. It might just shock her into a change once she gets her wits together. She might storm out and complain to your other family even. If they ask about it, be honest, even if they blame you. But, I'm willing to bet that she eventually comes around and wants to visit you again and that when she does she'll act like a changed person. Then, be sure to thank her for the ("better") visit and emphasize how much you enjoyed seeing her.

As for a guest--even family--inviting themselves to stay overnight... No. Absolutely not. That's just not something we put up with in my home. It's the height of rude behavior for a guest to do such a thing. Even as a small kid, it was drilled into me that if someone ASKED to sleep over the answer would be a sure no. But if I got permission to invite a friend over (with enough notice) the answer would probably be yes. Likewise I was taught to never ask to sleep over at a friends unless they had invited me there first. It's basic elementary school manners.

If you hear her mention that she's coming down and you didn't invite her, you could call her out on it by saying, "Actually we already have plans and thus can't really entertain you this weekend/whatever."

Once, my youngest (adult) brother in law called to inform us that he was coming down for the weekend (on the Friday he was coming). He has some Austim-like issues, so we had to let him know that asking for permission would be more appropriate instead of getting upset with him, and to let his folks know to practice this a little, but we did have plans already. Hubby took care of that conversation. It went something like this, "Well, brother, you know we'd love to have you, but if you come to see us this weekend, you'll have no where to stay because we're going to be out of state, so you might want to rethink your plans for the weekend...We really need you to check that it's OK with us BEFORE you decide to come down." We had to set a rule with him about how far ahead he needs to ask us for that sort of thing.

If she's got the nerve to just show up at your door uninvited, then you'll have to decide if you can muster up equal nerves or not. Don't invite her in. Keep her outside. On the doorstep, act hurried and say, "Sorry, but we already have plans. We were actually just getting really to leave." Grab a bag or say your car/trunk is already packed or that you are "running behind already because you need to get there in 10 minutes" as you step out the door onto the porch with her. Lock the door behind yourself as you tell her that you wish you'd known she was coming earlier. And then leave the house yourself for a few hours at least or even book a hotel room elsewhere for a unplanned mini-vacation of your own if you can. If she asks to stay in your empty home without you---truly ballsy rude of her---either tell the truth or lie to keep her out of the house. Tell her the place is being "chemically bombed" for bugs, repainted inside, the city's water/gas is out on your block, or something equally inhospitable that you just can't let her stay through. Being abandoned on your doorstep as you leave might convince your sister of the wisdom of calling ahead next time. If you take this route and lie though, leave the premise and don't come back and don't answer your phone for at least a few hours. Give her time to give up and go on her way before you return. You may need to recruit a strong willing assistant to keep you from caving in. My husband is stubborn as mule and a much better lair than I am. Get the help of someone like him ahead of time when you suspect she might pop in for an uninvited holiday.

Bonus, if you lie first (aka "you can't stay because my house is being treated for bugs"), and then next time she complains about how your home needs to be sprayed for bugs (because she hasn't learned her lesson), you can then use the truth for added insult by sheepishly admitting that, "Actually I made that up. I just didn't want to see you because ___ . I'd rather you think my house has bugs than to have to stick around and listen to you insult me and my life. I'm sorry, but I lied to get rid of you."

Easy fix. Just start dating nothing but Spanish and Black guys.

Oh gosh I hate those. If she does not want to be there then tell her that she does not have to come. I know she is family but sometimes you just have to be blunt. She can take her butt to Rockefeller Center or Park Avenue South since your neighborhood is not up to her standards. I am from New York City and I have never done that to any neighborhood down here.

^^This^^
Down here in Mississippi, we call that getting uppity, as in suddenly one is too good even for one's own family. I agree with this poster... someone is going to have to yank this child back into reality. I don't especially like the place where I was raised either due to the overabundance of closet racists, but chose to move back when our parents' health began failing. Like it or not, someone needs to remind this young lady that y'all are family and that is home, therefore it is all a part of who she has become, whether good or bad.

My sister has a two-faced personality and is also like that, which is why I don't like her even now

Have you talked to her about the fact that the way she talks offends you?

No, she's one of those overly defensive people. If i'm honest with her, she gets highly defensive and turns it on me.

I'm reading a book right now that's very helpful with situations like that. It's called "Nonviolent Communication" and talks about how to say what needs to be said without provoking defensiveness and anger in response. By the end of the first chapter I was using the technique and finding that it works. If you read the sample you can get for free for Kindle (which you can read on a computer, you don't have to have a kindle), you'll get enough information to start using it.

Basically, what you would say is something like "When you talk about how much you hate everyone and everything here, I am sad, because I think you must feel that way about me, too. I wish you could find nice things to say about where I live when you visit."

The author spends the whole book explaining why it works. I know that when I read it, I thought "That's never going to work," but I've been trying it, and it actually works almost like magic, on people I've been having unproductive conversations with for literally decades. It can be really hard to do it the way he says to do it -- you have to specifically identify how you feel about things as opposed to how somebody else feels about them (for example, you don't say "You just really hate it here, don't you?" -- one of the things that provokes defensiveness is telling other people what they feel, so you have to deal with just YOUR feelings) -- and you have to specifically identify the positive thing you would like for them to do instead. Negatives ("I wish you would stop doing that") don't work, because you can't do a negative. So you would say "When you say things that are based on people's race, I feel upset and confused, because I don't like to think of my own sister as a racist, but that's how some of those things sound. If you don't like a television show, I would rather that you simply say you don't like it or you don't think it's very believable, rather than talking about the race of the people involved." I know that sounds awkward -- this turns out to actually require a fair bit of thinking about what exactly you want to say, and it can be difficult -- but I'm finding that it really does work.

Best wishes to you! I hope your relationship with your sister improves! I'm putting a link to the book below:

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357306581&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

Easy fix. Just start dating nothing but Spanish and Black guys.

HAHAHAHA!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh: :laugh:

I know girls who have done that just to set their parents straight. On one hand it is using another person to get back at someone else, therefore wrong. On the other hand, if the date is a willing and informed participant... well, guess who's coming to dinner? :happy:

The look on her face would be priceless!
Just make sure that whomever you employ for the holiday dinner setup is aware of the situation and willing to get in on the act.

Have you talked to her about the fact that the way she talks offends you?

No, she's one of those overly defensive people. If i'm honest with her, she gets highly defensive and turns it on me.

I'm reading a book right now that's very helpful with situations like that. It's called "Nonviolent Communication" and talks about how to say what needs to be said without provoking defensiveness and anger in response. By the end of the first chapter I was using the technique and finding that it works. If you read the sample you can get for free for Kindle (which you can read on a computer, you don't have to have a kindle), you'll get enough information to start using it.

Basically, what you would say is something like "When you talk about how much you hate everyone and everything here, I am sad, because I think you must feel that way about me, too. I wish you could find nice things to say about where I live when you visit."

The author spends the whole book explaining why it works. I know that when I read it, I thought "That's never going to work," but I've been trying it, and it actually works almost like magic, on people I've been having unproductive conversations with for literally decades. It can be really hard to do it the way he says to do it -- you have to specifically identify how you feel about things as opposed to how somebody else feels about them (for example, you don't say "You just really hate it here, don't you?" -- one of the things that provokes defensiveness is telling other people what they feel, so you have to deal with just YOUR feelings) -- and you have to specifically identify the positive thing you would like for them to do instead. Negatives ("I wish you would stop doing that") don't work, because you can't do a negative. So you would say "When you say things that are based on people's race, I feel upset and confused, because I don't like to think of my own sister as a racist, but that's how some of those things sound. If you don't like a television show, I would rather that you simply say you don't like it or you don't think it's very believable, rather than talking about the race of the people involved." I know that sounds awkward -- this turns out to actually require a fair bit of thinking about what exactly you want to say, and it can be difficult -- but I'm finding that it really does work.

Best wishes to you! I hope your relationship with your sister improves! I'm putting a link to the book below:

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357306581&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

That's brilliant. I'm going to look into that. Thanks!