Is my hubby wrecking my gym efforts?
Replies
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Compromise: 3-4 days a week take 2 hours at the gym, and the other 3-4 days a week take 30-60 mins, or skip a few gym days and workout at home - everyone wins!0
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I may get the smackdown for this but I see all women posting so maybe you need a mans perspective.
1.) You stated that you live with his parents while you fix up the house next door. I am guessing that it's so your family can move into it. With that in mind, you are leaving your husband 2 hours a night, 3 nights a week to work out. I appreciate your dedication but have you thought of how he may see this. His wife is at a gym with her personal trainer (another man, more on this later) for 2 hours at night while the husband is working on preparing a home for his family.
2.) You have a FREE personal trainer of the opposite sex who you met outside of the gym. Personal trainers get paid very well. For him to give you 2 hours a nght, 3 nights a week free service takes a nice little chunk of money out of his pocket. Unless he is the Dali Lama or Ghandi, I would seriously question his motives and I'm willing to bet your husband does as well. There are a lot of nice people in the world but there also a lot of people who play nice to get what they want.
3.) Your husband may be feeling insecure about himself. Telling him you want to spend that time in the gym (with said FREE personal trainer) is not condusive to making him feel secure.
4.) You may need to reevaluate your relationship. If your priorities aren't something your husband can live with you both need to know it sooner rather than later.
5.) Lastly, for those of you who are suggesting compromise, THANK YOU. A marriage cannot survive if either partner has the attitude of, "My way or the highway." I have a feeling that your spouses/partners appreciate you more than you know.
:drinker:0 -
Thanks for all the suggestions, we will work something out...i will go in the mornings and by the time i do get home all my horny workout energy will be gone and he will be begging me to go back after work :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
That should work lol0 -
I understand the compromise aspect but I think it's more about his insecurities. Seems like every time I try to get back into shape, my husband orders take out Chinese food or pizza at 10:00 at night. I have absolutely no will power when it comes to food. I think he likes me the way I am because if I get back into shape I will get all the attention I used to get from men. Being on this site is my support. Being able to see what I'm eating and the calories keeps me more accountable for what I'm eating. I haven't made my calorie goal of 1410 calories per day yet, but I'm still trying. Usually I'm over by amost 300 cals.
I would say talk to him and let him know that you're doing this for yourself so you can feel good. He also needs to be understanding and should be supportive.
Good Luck!0 -
Two hours a night with 3 young ones is a bit much. Can you split it, do Cardio in AM, you can run or walk in your neighborhood to cut down the PM time. Family time is precious, and fitness is important. So you need to find a way to
make it work for your whole family. Be flexible with how your are working out and when, this way everyone is happy. Happy Wife, Happy life and Happy Hubby, Happy Home.
When my hubby is not traveling and the kids can be home for dinner, I work out at lunch or cut it short at the gym, when kids were younger I worked out in the morning at home via DVD. I agree alot with mum1970. A trainer is great, but you could do a 30 day challenge at home on your own. Pick up a Jillian Michael's DVD. A trainer is nice, but for long term fitness you are going to need to figure out how to fit this in long term anyway.
I like a lot of these suggestions. Maybe at night take the kids with you for a walk around town. My kids are teens now so I ask them to go with me. We walk the dog and always see someone they know along the way, window shop etc. Its a great time to get the kids to talk to you as well.0 -
Compromise! When I did work and we had our first child, I got up at 4.30 am and was at the gym by 5 am, did a 45 minute to an hour workout which included my strength training and cardio three times a week. Then in the evenings when it was possible, we as a FAMILY went for a walk with the dog. I had lost 25 lbs doing it that way.
Now, as a SAHM I am able to go during the day. I am fortunate that my gym has a great childcare center there that also keeps the children active as well. My kids and I are able to hit the pool together, wear ourselves out then come home to their dad.
And now, that I am getting more active my husband is going to the gym himself. We used to do it together but we find it harder now with kids and I have the day open to do it. He comes home and then goes to the gym and I WANT him to do it. I want our kids seeing us being fit even if we are not going to the gym together we are going. And once the weather warms up, we will be taking walks as a family with the dogs again.0 -
I may get the smackdown for this but I see all women posting so maybe you need a mans perspective.
1.) You stated that you live with his parents while you fix up the house next door. I am guessing that it's so your family can move into it. With that in mind, you are leaving your husband 2 hours a night, 3 nights a week to work out. I appreciate your dedication but have you thought of how he may see this. His wife is at a gym with her personal trainer (another man, more on this later) for 2 hours at night while the husband is working on preparing a home for his family.
2.) You have a FREE personal trainer of the opposite sex who you met outside of the gym. Personal trainers get paid very well. For him to give you 2 hours a nght, 3 nights a week free service takes a nice little chunk of money out of his pocket. Unless he is the Dali Lama or Ghandi, I would seriously question his motives and I'm willing to bet your husband does as well. There are a lot of nice people in the world but there also a lot of people who play nice to get what they want.
3.) Your husband may be feeling insecure about himself. Telling him you want to spend that time in the gym (with said FREE personal trainer) is not condusive to making him feel secure.
4.) You may need to reevaluate your relationship. If your priorities aren't something your husband can live with you both need to know it sooner rather than later.
5.) Lastly, for those of you who are suggesting compromise, THANK YOU. A marriage cannot survive if either partner has the attitude of, "My way or the highway." I have a feeling that your spouses/partners appreciate you more than you know.
The personal trainer is 64, I've known him through work, when he was over weight, for years. He is giving me the hook up because I take excellent care of his dog when no other vets in the area will touch it. He is an animal lover, and has the meanest dog ever, I have a soft spot for chow chows. That is the only motive for the free training. I've put in my fair share on the house, scrapped all the old paint, re-painted everything, sanding floors, grouting tile. I also work on the house with my husband from 9-12 at night once the kids go to bed. Right now my husband is putting in hardwood floors, not a whole lot for me to do at this point in the house. My husband is hot, fit and I'm over weight and no-one is going to hit on me at the gym, not even my 64 year old trainer so I don't think he has to worry about that either.0 -
I get up at 4 a.m. to train before work because I want to be able to spend time with my husband and kids. Two hours at the gym is excessive, go at 4 a.m. and you will wait for nothing to be available.0
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Try the morning thing, and don't be a pushover at work.. Either don't tell your boss that you already worked out in the morning...or just tell them that you have some obligations at home and can't stay that late every night.0
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Try the morning thing, and don't be a pushover at work.. Either don't tell your boss that you already worked out in the morning...or just tell them that you have some obligations at home and can't stay that late every night.
My boss is my best friend and we just had our night girl quit so I may need to stay and do surgeries at night. I would do it without him asking. Plus everyone waits to bring in their sick or injured animals at 5 or 6 and it would not be fair to the Doc,or the animals, to leave them here in a tight spot while we are short staffed.0 -
I get up at 4 a.m. to train before work because I want to be able to spend time with my husband and kids. Two hours at the gym is excessive, go at 4 a.m. and you will wait for nothing to be available.
In which case the OP can wait until 5.
If you are spending two hours at the gym, are you leaving any time to work on the house? Construction work can be pretty intense. I know if I really pushed myself at the gym, it would be hard to lift my arms even for something low key, like painting. If you made the house a priority together, and now you are focusing more on your own priority, I can see where that would put stress on the relationship.
Also, spending what some might consider frivolous money while you are living in someone else's house can be another stressor. Most think that getting out of that dependency should be a priority.
It sounds like you have done a good job of letting him know what you need, but have you discussed the actual goals and other ways to achieve them, or just told him that you are going to do X, Y and Z?0 -
OP, looking at this from your husband's perspective I see you getting personal time (at least 6 hours a week) without having to worry about housework and kid duties. Time all to yourself. Where is HIS personal time? He spends his time on the house and the kids, he may need recharge time too - but isn't getting it.
My husband and I have been happily married for over 25 years. Marriage has to be about compromise. Compromise means EVERYONE sacrifices something, and everyone gets something. Figure out how he can get private time too, because resentment is toxic to relationships.0 -
A guy response:Guys kinda of think a different way... he is jealous that you are spending so much time with another guy doesnt matter what he looks like or how old he is) give him some special time when you get home and he will come around. Tell him you feel sexy from working out and you would love to show him what you mean....LOL0
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Try the morning thing, and don't be a pushover at work.. Either don't tell your boss that you already worked out in the morning...or just tell them that you have some obligations at home and can't stay that late every night.
My boss is my best friend and we just had our night girl quit so I may need to stay and do surgeries at night. I would do it without him asking. Plus everyone waits to bring in their sick or injured animals at 5 or 6 and it would not be fair to the Doc,or the animals, to leave them here in a tight spot while we are short staffed.
All I hear is one excuse after another...
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If you're going to bed at midnight, you can't be getting up and 4 and expect to lose weight or gain overall health. That's an uninformed expectation on your husband's part. While I agree that 2 hours at the gym is not really needed, it sounds like you're already working on that. The kids are looked after. You're putting in work on the house. It doesn't sound like you're depriving him of excessive amounts of time. Your husband needs to figure out what actually bothers him about the situation. Is it that you get me-time and he doesn't? Is it that your looking as fit as he does will cause a perceived loss of power in the relationship? Does he just miss you? Does he feel overwhelmed with his perceived responsibilities? Some reasons have room for compromise; others would require him to admit to himself that he's being a **** and needs to fix it. Either way, you're prioritizing your health and if he's got something he'd like you to prioritize instead then he needs to make a much better case than he's making now, at least based on your description.0
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Great idea!0
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I agree with compromising. How would you feel if he decided he had somewhere to be 3 evenings a week for 2 hours? I would think if you went in the mornings, you wouldn't have to spend as long since it likely wouldn't be very crowded. Your boss doesn't need to know what you do outside of work; just tell him you can't work late and leave it at that. Are you getting off early to go workout now? If so, does that effect your income?
I will say my husband used to bowl many years ago. It was something he really liked and he was on bowling leagues with his friends and family literally about 3 nights a week. I could have joined or gone there, but it wasn't my thing and I just preferred him to be home with me. I was honestly a little resentful at the situation and we had a discussion about it. He agreed to compromise and did it just 1 night per week.
Would you be willing to workout at home some? What about during your lunch break or before work some? What about going for a run instead of the gym one night; you can get in a good cardio workout running 30-40 minutes.0 -
I get up at 4 a.m. to train before work because I want to be able to spend time with my husband and kids. Two hours at the gym is excessive, go at 4 a.m. and you will wait for nothing to be available.
In which case the OP can wait until 5.
If you are spending two hours at the gym, are you leaving any time to work on the house? Construction work can be pretty intense. I know if I really pushed myself at the gym, it would be hard to lift my arms even for something low key, like painting. If you made the house a priority together, and now you are focusing more on your own priority, I can see where that would put stress on the relationship.
Also, spending what some might consider frivolous money while you are living in someone else's house can be another stressor. Most think that getting out of that dependency should be a priority.
It sounds like you have done a good job of letting him know what you need, but have you discussed the actual goals and other ways to achieve them, or just told him that you are going to do X, Y and Z?
Well, I discussed joining a gym with him and he said we didn't have the money for it. So, I told him I would my lunch money, which is about $80 a month, to use as my gym membership. My dad, who loves the idea of me getting in shape, loaned me the $100 for the enrollment fee. Since we are almost finished with the house we both agreed now was a good time for me to start going to the gym. So, no new expense's have came up because of me joining the gym. Now is a good time, because all of the hard work on the house is done. Just the floors are left to do. I have to paint a couple of floors, but that can be knocked out in a weekend.0 -
A guy response:Guys kinda of think a different way... he is jealous that you are spending so much time with another guy doesnt matter what he looks like or how old he is) give him some special time when you get home and he will come around. Tell him you feel sexy from working out and you would love to show him what you mean....LOL
I kind of agree with this comment at least about the jealous bit, I certinally would be, but hey thats just me.0 -
I wake up just after 4 am in order to fit my exercise time in. I'm lucky in that I have a gym in my basement - but for the most part, the family has felt no ill effects from my workout schedule - everyone else is asleep and is none the wiser!0
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Make it work ! Get up and going at 4am ! How bad do you want to get in shape ?0
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Make it work ! Get up and going at 4am ! How bad do you want to get in shape ?
Since I've been doing it on my own for 5 months I'd say pretty bad. I have no problem getting up at 4 am to be there by 4:30, except that I will be losing my trainer0 -
Maybe your trainer can create a plan for you to follow on your own for the time being?0
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I totally agree. he needs to deal with it. you need to do this for you and your health.0
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This thread is just bad humor. How can a parent with 3 young kids honestly not understand why their spouse doesn't want them getting home two hours late 3 times per week? If I tried doing something like that, my wife would flip out and with good reason! And what the heck is with spending two hours at the gym? Seriously? It's like you're not even trying to get home at a reasonable time, which is probably why your husband is appropriately unhappy with your behavior.0
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There still must be an underliying reason why he is against going ot the gym. It's probably something he doesn't even realize. You'll both figure that out at some point.
From my limited experience, gyms are busiest in January and starts slowing down thereafter. By the end of March or sooner, you will see what the really nature of the gym is. Hopefully by then you won't be spending 2 hours in there. For your own sake.0 -
This thread is just bad humor. How can a parent with 3 young kids honestly not understand why their spouse doesn't want them getting home two hours late 3 times per week? If I tried doing something like that, my wife would flip out and with good reason! And what the heck is with spending two hours at the gym? Seriously? It's like you're not even trying to get home at a reasonable time, which is probably why your husband is appropriately unhappy with your behavior.
He isn't alone with the kids, his parents are there so it isn't like he has to watch them by himself, and it was only 2 hours because it takes me 30 minutes to drive home0 -
This thread is just bad humor. How can a parent with 3 young kids honestly not understand why their spouse doesn't want them getting home two hours late 3 times per week? If I tried doing something like that, my wife would flip out and with good reason! And what the heck is with spending two hours at the gym? Seriously? It's like you're not even trying to get home at a reasonable time, which is probably why your husband is appropriately unhappy with your behavior.
He isn't alone with the kids, his parents are there so it isn't like he has to watch them by himself, and it was only 2 hours because it takes me 30 minutes to drive home
That's even worse. His family may feel taken advantage of. Not only do they provide y'all with a place to stay and make dinner every night but they watch the kids extra while you're taking more time than necessary away from home.0 -
Marriage is about compromise.
You probably need to find a way to meet him in the middle.
And.....you don't need to be at the gym for 2 hours/visit to get fit.
I totally agree. I usually go to the gym for an hour during lunch M-F. After hours is family time.0 -
I feel like he should be more supportive. If you get up at 4:00am then you'll have to go to be at 9:00pm, so you would be taking time away from him anyway. Why doesn't he go to the gym with you? You could make it something you do together.
I agree with everything said here. This is something that in the long run could better your life and health, maybe he should take part in it with you.0
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