Is my hubby wrecking my gym efforts?
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I really don't think people have actually read what the OP has said, at all.
1. She currently lives with her in-laws and they help with the childcare. Her husband is not alone with 3 kids.
2. She has not incurred any additional expenses in her training.
3. Her in-laws eat dinner at 4.30pm - she finishes work at 4pm so, regardless of when she works out, she WILL NOT, make it back in time to do any of that.
4. She gets back at 7pm, plays with her kids, baths them and puts them to bed for 9pm. She does it. Not her husband.
5. She works on her house, for 3 hours a night, with her husband. She goes to bed at 12am. He wants her to get up at 4am to workout, because we can all function on 4 hours, or less, sleep a night.
6. She had something wrong with her neck, and doesn't feel confident enough to do her training on her own yet, that is very fair.
7. It is 3 nights per week, for 2 extra hours. 6 hours per week. There are 168 hours per week, she has an additional 6 to herself, and so has 162 to split between work and family life. She works out for less than one hour per day, if she done it weekly. It's hardly selfish.
That means the other 2 week nights she is with her kids for the maximum time she can, plus the entire weekens with them. She's barely sacrificing family time.
To the op, your husband should just man it up really.
Your math doesn't add up. 2 hours late 3 times per week is a big deal. Consider that there are five days in the week. She has four hours with the kids when she doesn't work out, and two hours when she does. So, currently she's decreased her time with the family during the week from 20 hours to 14. That's a significant difference! You really think it's the husband's and the in-laws' responsibility to "man up" and take care of the kids while she's at the gym and shirking her responsibilities as a parent? Yeah right!
I'll say this much, if my wife tried something like that I'd be a lot less nice about it then her husband is being. My wife and I both make time to exercise when it's convenient for each other. That is, in the morning, during lunch at work, after the kids are asleep, or during the weekends.
Ehm, there are 7 days in the week, she has 2 full evenings with her family mid-week, 3 evenings of putting her children to bed and then 2 full weekend every single week.
She cannot workout in the morning because she cannot get her trainer then (and doesn't feel comfortable just now, due to injury, to do so without him), and because she is up till midnight with her husband so would get less than 4 hours sleep ...
Personally, I would rather have the whole weekend to my family, than having a few extra hours before bed during the week, and then cut into weekend times.
She's hardly off galavanting every night, doing x/y/z.
She is working out when she can, with what she can. It's not a crime, does not make her selfish, unloving, and the only one to compromise.
She still sees her kids. She doesn't make it home for dinner at all, so those 2 hours don't matter in that respect. She puts her children to bed every single night. She works. She has time with her husband every single evening. She has her weekends for family time.
How is asking someone to take care of their kids, on their own, for 2 hours, 3 times a week, 'bad'? (not technically on his own either)
How on earth is that detrimental?
Don't you think her in-laws do plenty without her taking 6 extra hours a week? It is not their responsibility to raise the children. But as you pointed out they watch them and feed them. She should get home as soon as possible to relieve people that already help so much!
If her inlaws have to take the slack because her husband won't do it, that isn't her fault.
That's ridiculous and a very immature way to look at things. It's selfish and not at all apreciative of everything his parents do for them.
Her husband is in the house with HIS children. If her inlaws end up needing to take care of them, then the problem lies with him and not her. That is hardly 'immature'.0 -
To the OP...it seems like you are using this thread simply to justify your own position on the issue. You have an answer for every question posed.
Have you talked to your husband about it like you've talked to people here you don't know from Adam? At the end of the day, how it impacts you and others in your family life is all that matters. That's the nature of compromise and that applies to your husband too. Its all about priorities and while I completely understand your priorities because personal health and fitness is typically a very personal thing, your husband apparently doesn't agree with yours.
Hope you work it out.
My husband, doesn't "talk" about feelings, so all I can do is assume things. I've tried to talk to him about it. The answer is, I just don't think you need to be coming home at 7. So, I apologize for insulting anyone for trying to get some insight.0 -
I really don't think people have actually read what the OP has said, at all.
1. She currently lives with her in-laws and they help with the childcare. Her husband is not alone with 3 kids.
2. She has not incurred any additional expenses in her training.
3. Her in-laws eat dinner at 4.30pm - she finishes work at 4pm so, regardless of when she works out, she WILL NOT, make it back in time to do any of that.
4. She gets back at 7pm, plays with her kids, baths them and puts them to bed for 9pm. She does it. Not her husband.
5. She works on her house, for 3 hours a night, with her husband. She goes to bed at 12am. He wants her to get up at 4am to workout, because we can all function on 4 hours, or less, sleep a night.
6. She had something wrong with her neck, and doesn't feel confident enough to do her training on her own yet, that is very fair.
7. It is 3 nights per week, for 2 extra hours. 6 hours per week. There are 168 hours per week, she has an additional 6 to herself, and so has 162 to split between work and family life. She works out for less than one hour per day, if she done it weekly. It's hardly selfish.
That means the other 2 week nights she is with her kids for the maximum time she can, plus the entire weekens with them. She's barely sacrificing family time.
To the op, your husband should just man it up really.
Your math doesn't add up. 2 hours late 3 times per week is a big deal. Consider that there are five days in the week. She has four hours with the kids when she doesn't work out, and two hours when she does. So, currently she's decreased her time with the family during the week from 20 hours to 14. That's a significant difference! You really think it's the husband's and the in-laws' responsibility to "man up" and take care of the kids while she's at the gym and shirking her responsibilities as a parent? Yeah right!
I'll say this much, if my wife tried something like that I'd be a lot less nice about it then her husband is being. My wife and I both make time to exercise when it's convenient for each other. That is, in the morning, during lunch at work, after the kids are asleep, or during the weekends.
Ehm, there are 7 days in the week, she has 2 full evenings with her family mid-week, 3 evenings of putting her children to bed and then 2 full weekend every single week.
She cannot workout in the morning because she cannot get her trainer then (and doesn't feel comfortable just now, due to injury, to do so without him), and because she is up till midnight with her husband so would get less than 4 hours sleep ...
Personally, I would rather have the whole weekend to my family, than having a few extra hours before bed during the week, and then cut into weekend times.
She's hardly off galavanting every night, doing x/y/z.
She is working out when she can, with what she can. It's not a crime, does not make her selfish, unloving, and the only one to compromise.
She still sees her kids. She doesn't make it home for dinner at all, so those 2 hours don't matter in that respect. She puts her children to bed every single night. She works. She has time with her husband every single evening. She has her weekends for family time.
How is asking someone to take care of their kids, on their own, for 2 hours, 3 times a week, 'bad'? (not technically on his own either)
How on earth is that detrimental?
Don't you think her in-laws do plenty without her taking 6 extra hours a week? It is not their responsibility to raise the children. But as you pointed out they watch them and feed them. She should get home as soon as possible to relieve people that already help so much!
If her inlaws have to take the slack because her husband won't do it, that isn't her fault.
That's ridiculous and a very immature way to look at things. It's selfish and not at all apreciative of everything his parents do for them.
Her husband is in the house with HIS children. If her inlaws end up needing to take care of them, then the problem lies with him and not her. That is hardly 'immature'.
It is when he goes straight home to watch them and work on their house. His problem is probably more with her priorities than anything else. Then there's the fact that her best friend is a guy and she puts his feelings first.0 -
I really don't think people have actually read what the OP has said, at all.
1. She currently lives with her in-laws and they help with the childcare. Her husband is not alone with 3 kids.
2. She has not incurred any additional expenses in her training.
3. Her in-laws eat dinner at 4.30pm - she finishes work at 4pm so, regardless of when she works out, she WILL NOT, make it back in time to do any of that.
4. She gets back at 7pm, plays with her kids, baths them and puts them to bed for 9pm. She does it. Not her husband.
5. She works on her house, for 3 hours a night, with her husband. She goes to bed at 12am. He wants her to get up at 4am to workout, because we can all function on 4 hours, or less, sleep a night.
6. She had something wrong with her neck, and doesn't feel confident enough to do her training on her own yet, that is very fair.
7. It is 3 nights per week, for 2 extra hours. 6 hours per week. There are 168 hours per week, she has an additional 6 to herself, and so has 162 to split between work and family life. She works out for less than one hour per day, if she done it weekly. It's hardly selfish.
That means the other 2 week nights she is with her kids for the maximum time she can, plus the entire weekens with them. She's barely sacrificing family time.
To the op, your husband should just man it up really.
Your math doesn't add up. 2 hours late 3 times per week is a big deal. Consider that there are five days in the week. She has four hours with the kids when she doesn't work out, and two hours when she does. So, currently she's decreased her time with the family during the week from 20 hours to 14. That's a significant difference! You really think it's the husband's and the in-laws' responsibility to "man up" and take care of the kids while she's at the gym and shirking her responsibilities as a parent? Yeah right!
I'll say this much, if my wife tried something like that I'd be a lot less nice about it then her husband is being. My wife and I both make time to exercise when it's convenient for each other. That is, in the morning, during lunch at work, after the kids are asleep, or during the weekends.
Ehm, there are 7 days in the week, she has 2 full evenings with her family mid-week, 3 evenings of putting her children to bed and then 2 full weekend every single week.
She cannot workout in the morning because she cannot get her trainer then (and doesn't feel comfortable just now, due to injury, to do so without him), and because she is up till midnight with her husband so would get less than 4 hours sleep ...
Personally, I would rather have the whole weekend to my family, than having a few extra hours before bed during the week, and then cut into weekend times.
She's hardly off galavanting every night, doing x/y/z.
She is working out when she can, with what she can. It's not a crime, does not make her selfish, unloving, and the only one to compromise.
She still sees her kids. She doesn't make it home for dinner at all, so those 2 hours don't matter in that respect. She puts her children to bed every single night. She works. She has time with her husband every single evening. She has her weekends for family time.
How is asking someone to take care of their kids, on their own, for 2 hours, 3 times a week, 'bad'? (not technically on his own either)
How on earth is that detrimental?
Don't you think her in-laws do plenty without her taking 6 extra hours a week? It is not their responsibility to raise the children. But as you pointed out they watch them and feed them. She should get home as soon as possible to relieve people that already help so much!
If her inlaws have to take the slack because her husband won't do it, that isn't her fault.
That's ridiculous and a very immature way to look at things. It's selfish and not at all apreciative of everything his parents do for them.
Her husband is in the house with HIS children. If her inlaws end up needing to take care of them, then the problem lies with him and not her. That is hardly 'immature'.
It is when he goes straight home to watch them and work on their house. His problem is probably more with her priorities than anything else. Then there's the fact that her best friend is a guy and she puts his feelings first.
1. He doesn't work on the house until 9pm when she is there.
2. Her priorities? I didn't realise working out for 6 hours per week meant your priorities were messed up, especially when he doesn't care about her working out after less than 4 hours sleep ... his only answer is "don't think you should come back at 7pm".
3. It is 2013 for goodness sake. An issue with having a male best friend, are you serious!? If my husband said I couldn't have a friend/best friend because they were male I'd tell him to do one. I am not someones property and they do not control who I talk to and make friends with.
4. Not his feelings - her job. She works for her best friend, not with him. In his surgery. She leaves to workout because it is the only time she can get her trainer, if she could access the trainer at any other time, she would help him out the lurch he is in - hardly his feelings. If his business suffers as a result of not being able to cover the surgeries etc, then so does her job. How is that not clear?0 -
I really don't think people have actually read what the OP has said, at all.
1. She currently lives with her in-laws and they help with the childcare. Her husband is not alone with 3 kids.
2. She has not incurred any additional expenses in her training.
3. Her in-laws eat dinner at 4.30pm - she finishes work at 4pm so, regardless of when she works out, she WILL NOT, make it back in time to do any of that.
4. She gets back at 7pm, plays with her kids, baths them and puts them to bed for 9pm. She does it. Not her husband.
5. She works on her house, for 3 hours a night, with her husband. She goes to bed at 12am. He wants her to get up at 4am to workout, because we can all function on 4 hours, or less, sleep a night.
6. She had something wrong with her neck, and doesn't feel confident enough to do her training on her own yet, that is very fair.
7. It is 3 nights per week, for 2 extra hours. 6 hours per week. There are 168 hours per week, she has an additional 6 to herself, and so has 162 to split between work and family life. She works out for less than one hour per day, if she done it weekly. It's hardly selfish.
That means the other 2 week nights she is with her kids for the maximum time she can, plus the entire weekens with them. She's barely sacrificing family time.
To the op, your husband should just man it up really.
Your math doesn't add up. 2 hours late 3 times per week is a big deal. Consider that there are five days in the week. She has four hours with the kids when she doesn't work out, and two hours when she does. So, currently she's decreased her time with the family during the week from 20 hours to 14. That's a significant difference! You really think it's the husband's and the in-laws' responsibility to "man up" and take care of the kids while she's at the gym and shirking her responsibilities as a parent? Yeah right!
I'll say this much, if my wife tried something like that I'd be a lot less nice about it then her husband is being. My wife and I both make time to exercise when it's convenient for each other. That is, in the morning, during lunch at work, after the kids are asleep, or during the weekends.
Ehm, there are 7 days in the week, she has 2 full evenings with her family mid-week, 3 evenings of putting her children to bed and then 2 full weekend every single week.
She cannot workout in the morning because she cannot get her trainer then (and doesn't feel comfortable just now, due to injury, to do so without him), and because she is up till midnight with her husband so would get less than 4 hours sleep ...
Personally, I would rather have the whole weekend to my family, than having a few extra hours before bed during the week, and then cut into weekend times.
She's hardly off galavanting every night, doing x/y/z.
She is working out when she can, with what she can. It's not a crime, does not make her selfish, unloving, and the only one to compromise.
She still sees her kids. She doesn't make it home for dinner at all, so those 2 hours don't matter in that respect. She puts her children to bed every single night. She works. She has time with her husband every single evening. She has her weekends for family time.
How is asking someone to take care of their kids, on their own, for 2 hours, 3 times a week, 'bad'? (not technically on his own either)
How on earth is that detrimental?
Don't you think her in-laws do plenty without her taking 6 extra hours a week? It is not their responsibility to raise the children. But as you pointed out they watch them and feed them. She should get home as soon as possible to relieve people that already help so much!
If her inlaws have to take the slack because her husband won't do it, that isn't her fault.
That's ridiculous and a very immature way to look at things. It's selfish and not at all apreciative of everything his parents do for them.
Her husband is in the house with HIS children. If her inlaws end up needing to take care of them, then the problem lies with him and not her. That is hardly 'immature'.
It is when he goes straight home to watch them and work on their house. His problem is probably more with her priorities than anything else. Then there's the fact that her best friend is a guy and she puts his feelings first.
My boss, who is 62 married, not at all physically attractive to me and in no way EVER acted any way than professional towards me and my husband. My husband likes the Doc too. So that isn't even an issue.0 -
With three small kids and you being at the gym until 7 pm, is your husband now solely responsible for getting them fed and ready for bed? Is this new for him?
I'd say get up at 4am. You'll get used to it. Or go for an hour and an hour only. But yeah, you need to compromise.
No, we are living with his parents for a while as we remodel the house next door. He doesn't have to do anything different except one night he had to bathe them. We have a large extended family right there and there are plenty of people who enjoy watching the kids while we work, so he isn't alone with the kids.
so maybe it's your in-laws giving him a hard time about you being gone; compromise is good. maybe get up at 4am a couple days a week and then be at home late the other couple of nights.0 -
It only takes 2 hours because I have to wait for some of the machines to be available. I assume it won't always take that long once I get use to using the machines myself and I don't have to have my trainer spot me on them.
Yeah.....
Still - compromise.
How would you (and your 3 kids) feel if your husband suddenly found a hobby that kept him away from home 6 extra hours a week...espeically since those hours occur during the evening, which is typically prime family time? I doubt you'd bee too thrilled about having to do dinner, dishes, clean up, bathtime, and bedtime by yourself. Just saying.
FITNESS isn't exactly a HOBBY. She is making an effort to be more healthy, most likely not just for herself but to the benefit of her husband and 3 children.0 -
Well, this is kind of getting out of hand. Thanks anyway guys for the responses.0
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Your husband is probably insecure about the change, in you, in other people reacting to how wonderful you are going to look, how it is going to impact on the family, it could be lots of little things, plus the stress of the renovation. Grit your teeth and stay on the programme, i agree with the other comments, it probably is about compromise. Good luck.
PS I went for a walk in the park with my hubby tonight instead of going to Zumba. He complained about the way I parked the car, complained that I walked too fast. He was grumpy, plain and simple. I put it down to a bad day. Keep smiling0 -
If you're working on the house until Midnight or later, you can't get up at 4am to work out. It'll take time, really. You'll both adjust and things will get better.0
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OP , tell your husband to grow up and stop trying to control you !0
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OP I don't see why you should compromise, tell him to stop sulking and acting like an extra child. You're doing this for your health, if he's doing it because he's insecure he needs to grow up and learn to trust you0
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If the shoe was on the other foot, would you expect your husband to do the same thing?0
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His job doesn't have him working every day, sometimes he is off weeks at a time, so yes I can honestly say that if he started going to a gym, and wanted to go at a certain time, so as not to have to get up at 4 in the morning, I would not have a problem with it.0
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I am also a working mother of 2 w/ a hubby! I prefer to work out at home, after the kids go to bed- i hit the living room and work out w/ videos. After my work out, I hit the shower and have energy to stay up and hang out w/ the hubby. My hubby would not be opposed if I chose to hit the gym but I also agree that it would thorw off the family dynamics if I were to choose to do so. I dont see my kids all day, so my time after work is priceless. i would feel like I was being selfish if I decided to do that. When I can easily arrange my own needs to after kids bed time.
That being said, this is my own personal feeling ---every family dynamic is different.
He might be lonely if he is home all day whiel you work, and then have to wait extra time on top of that. He sounds frustrated. These issues should be addressed before they turn into something huge. You should compromise for sure. Find a good balance.0 -
I don't think anyone should get up at 4am for anything. How the heck are you going to get a decent night's sleep? Seriously, who goes to bed at 8pm? I would bet money that if she did start going to the gym in the morning, some other "problem" would pop up.
Those kids are going to get older and she would just be stuck being even more out of shape and with a much longer row to hoe. I'm 43 and sacrificed all my free time to my family for WAY WAY WAY too long, putting my personal needs LAST and that is a recipe for unhealthy unhappiness.
I AGREE! You have to find the balance to take care of yourself too! there is alwasy room for compromise , if you are dealing with rational people.0 -
This thread is absolutely terrifying. How many times does the OP need to explain the situation only to have people interpret it as her being selfish etc etc. Where is all the support everyone seems to suggest that MFP offers? But also how quickly are people buying into this self-sacrificing mother and wife stereotype. Thank God for rubixcyoob's post, and also slhamby's.
And in answer to the OP's original question - yes it's not too much to ask your husband to support you in this.. good luck with it. You know your situation in a way no-one else here can, so do take everyone's comments with a pinch of salt. Including mine of course.0 -
You need to ask yourself which is more important to you - getting fit or being married. You are being unreasonable and selfish by demanding that he accept your wishes, while his thoughts/feelings/desires are brushed under the rug! What if he demanded that you allow him to go out with his buddies for 6 hours every week? If you continue to disregard your husband's feelings like this, he will get tired of it and eventually he will leave (either emotionally or physically). Marriage will only work if you can each take an honest look at and consideration of each others' feelings. Since I don't know your husband, I have no idea what his real objections may be - that is for you to discover (HE may not even know what is really bothering him about the idea). However, if you do to him as you've done to those here who have tried to help you (having an answer for every objection raised), you'll only shut him down and never find out what his real objection is. That may be the reason he doesn't like to talk about things with you!
I understand you're desire to take better care of yourself, but 2 hours at the gym is definitely excessive (if one machine is occupied, skip to one that isn't and come back when the first is available), especially if your husband objects to your membership to begin with. Maybe this is not the time/season for you to be going to a gym. You won't always be working on the house/living with his parents/have small children. You need to find some way/time to exercise that doesn't take so much time away from your husband and kids. See if your trainer is available for either a Saturday or Sunday session to replace one of the weekday sessions. Maybe even include your family in some of your workouts - family walks, play time at the park, bike rides, ... .
If you want to keep the marriage, stop telling him what you want and start asking him (instead of us) for suggestions and listen to his response (don't shoot down his ideas). I highly recommend _The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands_ by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. That book saved my marriage from my own selfishness!
(And as far as the argument about how there are 168 hours in a week and it's only 6 hours: I assume you're spending about 50-60 of those hours asleep and another 40-50 at work (plus your 30 minute commute twice a day). So instead of having 168 hours 'available', there are really only about 60, of which about half are weekend hours. So you're taking 6 hours out of the 30 or so waking hours you have during the week. That IS a significant chunk of time!)0 -
Marriage is about compromise.
You probably need to find a way to meet him in the middle.
And.....you don't need to be at the gym for 2 hours/visit to get fit.
^^ Excellent answer! Compromise - keep your work outs 45 minutes to an hour, you'll still get a great functional work out.0 -
Oh for goodness sake, it's only 3 days a week. If I were you I would nicely tell him to deal with it.
Or you could find some other form of exercise, like a DVD, that you could do at home. But I bet he would want you to stop that too.
This. I have to say that it never is an issue when a guy has something on. As in, he TELLS you he is off to do whatever...but when it is the wife suddenly all time is golden family time being carved up by your hobby.
Over time this will diminish but the fact is that he has to get used to your new lifestyle too - so whether it is 1 hour or 2 he needs to roll with it a bit more. Getting up at 4AM would put me off and frankly piss me off. I am great at compromising - watch me all summer as I compromise about his golf days - but it is a two way street.
That said - talking and more talking.0
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