Help!! Am I making to much of this?
mandy031383
Posts: 94 Member
in Chit-Chat
I would normally never put this info out there but, I seriously need other people’s point of views. I need to know if I am right about this or making too much of it. I have been dating a guy for a few months, we originally started as friends and after 8 months he confessed he had feelings and after dating for a few weeks I finally agreed to be his gf. He swears he loves me and has even made comments about me being the one etc. A few days ago I found out threw friends that he still had a profile visible on match.com I completely defended him and said no way etc. Then they sent me a picture of it and it said he had been active within 24 hours. When I confronted him about it I gave him multiple times to come clean but he kept denying he had even been on it. So sitting right in front of him I decided to take a chance and see if it would come up on his computer. Low and behold it did and showed that he had not only been active for about 3 weeks and looking at profiles but had also sent out about 12 “winks” which is basically considered hitting on or flirting. He then insisted it was no big deal and he was just looking “it’s ok to look but not touch” when I brought up the fact he wasn’t just looking but flirting also he again said it was no big deal and I was making to much out of it. Basically, the conversation went with me trying to ask him questions and why and him deflecting everything I said and asked without giving me a straight answer on anything. Except that he said he did it because he was sitting home bored and was curious. When I tried to ask him about that further he flat out told me he would not answer my question. He finally told me that if it bothered me that much he wouldn’t go on, but that he doesn’t understand at all where I am coming from and that he has done nothing wrong. When I asked him how it would make him feel if I was doing that he said he wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t bother him because he knows it would just be flirting. At this point he just keeps acting like everything is fine and nothing has happened. Am I making to much of this?????
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Replies
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That's like saying you have a subscription to Playboy because you like the articles.0
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Are you making too much of it?
No. You met him online. He still has a dating profile.
People in a serious relationship do not need dating profile.0 -
I don't think you're making too much of it at all. If he wants to date you, there is no reason for him to keep looking, even if it's innocent in his mind.0
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I don't think you are. Flirting is fine if you're single, I'm sorry if you are in a relationship I don't think you should. Especially if he knows that you don't think it is okay why would he continue to do it. If there's nothing to hide he should have been straight up with you to begin with. If you're the one and he wants to be serious about you, flirting with other girls is not okay and it is one step away from talking and possibly more. If you don't come to an agreement on that it will always be a problem and if he doesn't think it is a problem then he doesn't really know or understand you.0
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You are definitely not making too much of it. The fact that he's so defensive about it should concern you.0
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That's a big red flag problem!!!!!!!!!!!! People in happy committed relationships don't need to be on a dating service. It's not 'flirting' it's actively looking for someone else.0
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If it's no big deal, then he wouldn't have denied/lied when you confronted him about the dating site.
Liar-liar-pants on fire!
Don't waste your time.0 -
My husband and I met on Match.com. Once we began dating each other we hid our profiles. Once we decided to become exclusive we deleted our accounts. Your bf is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to date you, but keep his options open should something better come along. He's a ****. Just break up.0
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Whichever way you try and slice it..... he sounds like a douche.
Better get rid sooner rather than later.0 -
he also lied about it when confronted. repeatedly. until you forced him to admit it by pulling up the site in his presence.
that really tells you everything you'll ever need to know about the guy.
is that somebody you want to get serious with? that decision is up to you.
good luck.0 -
If he really thought it was nothing, why did he deny it in the first place? Of course, the answer to that could be in the tone you started with, but it seems more likely that he knew it wasn't OK from the start.0
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no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better
keep looking! 0 -
no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better keep looking!
internet cheating by sending a wink to someone? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
yah, hes lame and seems like a douche. honestly, if hes with you and he feels the need to get some kind of gratification from flirting with other women, that may be a sign of things to come. I agree, you should probably bounce, or set very very clear ground rules for your relationship so there can be no "but I thought" bullsh!t.
internet cheating. lol. thats not what happened, he just seems to be dishonest.
I think you would struggle to use winks on match.com as a grounds for divorce.0 -
If it was so innocent, why did he repeatedly lie about it when originally confronted? If it was truly innocent and he wasn't guilty, he wouldn't have lied.0
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Just break up.
FIRST!!!!!0 -
You might be dating, but are you exclusive ? And do both of you know it?
If he says yes, have a frind set up an account , flirt with him and ask him out.
At least you will know one way or the other before you get to invested.
( and if he's a loser i know lots of single guys who are decent.)0 -
no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better keep looking!
internet cheating by sending a wink to someone? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
yah, hes lame and seems like a douche. honestly, if hes with you and he feels the need to get some kind of gratification from flirting with other women, that may be a sign of things to come. I agree, you should probably bounce, or set very very clear ground rules for your relationship so there can be no "but I thought" bullsh!t.
internet cheating. lol. thats not what happened, he just seems to be dishonest.
I think you would struggle to use winks on match.com as a grounds for divorce.
cheating is cheating no matter where you find it sweetie unless you are one of the types that like to swing in which case you should both know about and condone it....0 -
He's not really invested in dating you if he's keeping his options open by checking out other users-and if it's not flirting then don't lie about it and by not telling you right away he knows he's doing something that's not good for your relationship-did he ask you if you were still active on the site or how would he feel about it if you were flirting with guys online-0
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time to move on. I smell a douche-bag..0
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I dont think your making a big deal out of it. You don't like it, you've told him, and he has stated that if it makes you uncomfortable that he will remove it. Then have him do it and move on, if you care about the relationship enough.0
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To quote Dr Phil "RUN!...don't walk to the nearest exit!"0
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If this was a free dating site like POF or OKCupid, I think it would be less of a deal. I'm a pretty open guy, though, and it takes a lot to make me jealous or concerned that someone is cheating. I feel that flirting is a natural human trait.
However, the fact that you have to pay to keep a subscription to match.com, which means that he is actually paying to flirt would be a huge red flag. This isn't just him playing around online. This is him actively searching.
The fact that he lied to try to hide it means that he is aware that what he is doing is wrong. My advice is to err on the side of caution with this one.0 -
hold the phone... you have to pay for that site???
If so.. dip out.. NOW0 -
It all boils down to how important trust is to you. if you don't mind that he would blatantly lie to you and then try to rationalize his poor behavior and shift the blame to you, then by all means keep dating. But if this bothers you and is not what you're looking for in a long term partner, it's time to cut ties. He may say differently, but it is unlikely he will change. He may stop looking around online, but he will likely find other outlets for his "curiosity". Good luck making your decision. I hope you consider what you deserve in life when making this choice, not what's easiest or most convenient.0
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no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better keep looking!
internet cheating by sending a wink to someone? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
yah, hes lame and seems like a douche. honestly, if hes with you and he feels the need to get some kind of gratification from flirting with other women, that may be a sign of things to come. I agree, you should probably bounce, or set very very clear ground rules for your relationship so there can be no "but I thought" bullsh!t.
internet cheating. lol. thats not what happened, he just seems to be dishonest.
I think you would struggle to use winks on match.com as a grounds for divorce.
cheating is cheating no matter where you find it sweetie unless you are one of the types that like to swing in which case you should both know about and condone it....
hes being dishonest. not cheating. its weird and dishonest, but thats not cheating. if he was writing to people and lining up hook ups, then he could be charged with "conspiracy to cheat" or "contacting with intent to cheat".
lol. sounds like you are an expert on swinging also. it wouldn't be cheating if your partner knew and agreed to it.
there is no cheating in an online wink. theres no cheating in a real life exchange of a glance in a bar. try again.
wait.... is it cheating to hold a fish in a provocitive and presentative way? you are touching the fish.... thats more than a flirt..... shame on you...0 -
You might be dating, but are you exclusive ? And do both of you know it?
If he says yes, have a frind set up an account , flirt with him and ask him out.
At least you will know one way or the other before you get to invested.
( and if he's a loser i know lots of single guys who are decent.)
Yes, we are exclusive. Backstory we met in April on Match went on a date and ended up being friends. He then developed feelings for me at the end of the summer and I found out in October. I decided to date him for about 5 weeks before I finally became his Girlfriend (he would ask me every day), because I wanted to make sure there was something real there and that this was what we both wanted. Sence then he has told me he loves me, he thinks I am the "one" and he could see marrying me. Also when I finally said yes he told me he had taken his profile down on match and pof. So yeah I would say we are exclusive.0 -
Only person you can trust is yourself.....if your instincts are telling you there's more to it..there probably is....0
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No, you're not making too much of it. He's still looking for other girls, and he lied about it...what more do you need to know? Will you even be able to trust the guy after this?
I'd cut my losses and move on if it were me....0 -
If you both have agreed to have an open relationship and to keep your options open then him actively continuing with his online dating profile isn't a big deal and I wouldn't worry about that -- the only problematic part is his dishonesty, which is a big dealbreaker.
If you don't have an understanding about both of you keeping your options open to pursue others, then you have two big dealbreakers.
If you have 1+ dealbreaker = a big fat waste of your time, and aren't you here to lose excess fat?
x0 -
I don't know if I would class it as cheating.... but it seems dishonest and sneaky to me. He lied about it when first questioned which would make it hard for me to trust him.
If it was a long term relationship or marriage and I really loved the person I would maybe consider trying to work around it and seeing if I could trust them again. If it was a new relationship I would probably just call day on it and not risk the probable heartache one day down the line.0
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