Absolutely livid at husband!

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  • asaw00
    asaw00 Posts: 1,904 Member
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    Tell him to shut the f*** up and don't help unless you ask for it. My husband tries to "help" me too but he doesn't know what I've eaten that day or how many calories I have left. so by him telling me I'd do soo much better it I would just stop doing x, does not help!!! It just pisses me off, so I agree with him and walk away!
  • Roni_M
    Roni_M Posts: 717 Member
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    Most men can be a little dense. I had to explain calories counting to mine. He is extremely supportive (went so far as to make sure I wasn't doing this for him because he "didn't care what size I was"... such a sweetie!!). But once in a while he would say stupid things like "you're not dieting anymore?" when he saw me eating different things. He never meant it in a negative way... just stupidly speaking before thinking.

    So I explained how calories worked. Then when he said something stupid I would just reply "I have X calories left". He still occasionally says stupid things but I know he doesn't mean anything by it and I'm much less sensitive to it now. Ultimately he is very supportive, tells me all the time how great I look and how proud of me he is, while still saying he doesn't care what size I am (I'm pretty sure he actually likes how I look better now since I get more attention from him).

    So is your hubby sending these mixed signals? Supportive in one breath and then says something stupid? If that's the case it may help to explain how calories work and try to be a little less sensitive. I truly think they believe they are helping. They are just wired differently than us ladies.

    Now if he's being a total *kitten* and making comments about your eating habits and weight in an abusive negative way... it may be time to kick him to the curb. There are shades of grey and ultimately you know him better than what we can glean in a small paragraph written when you are upset. Is he being stupid or mean? Stupid can be fixed (somewhat). Mean can't be.

    Ultimately you have to do this for you. You can't let anyone derail you.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
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    Yikes . . . misandristic thread turned misandrist.
  • kayla2709
    kayla2709 Posts: 25 Member
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    wow Hold up on the Abuse lines.............. that's not a term to be thrown around lightly!

    Do you talk to him about how crap your feeling? Do you think you may be saying too much????? I know if I go on and on about things my partner gets fed up with me.....especially when I go and do the everything I'm whinging about....Like stuffing myself and crying because I can't lose weight.

    My advise is actions need to speak louder then words. Instead of fighting back....go to the gym or for a walk and burn those calories off and get rid of the anger!!

    Remember one thing......YOUR WORTH IT. Every time you reach for the junk food tell your self that!!
    Maybe look for better choices to curb the hunger.

    When dealing with men: Don't talk the talk if your not going to walk the walk
  • joannaorgovan
    joannaorgovan Posts: 71 Member
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    I wouldn't consider that emotional abuse. If he was teliing you that you worthless and so forth, that would qualify as emotional abuse.
    Part of becoming a fit woman is finding inner strength. You know what you need to do and how to get it done. Just do it!!! Who cares what anyone says?!?!
    Nobody makes me feel bad about my choices. Why would I care what they say? It's 2013 not 1953. Be the strong independent woman you were meant to be and ignore the rest.
  • lveh8lve
    lveh8lve Posts: 162 Member
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    Personally, I think you need to work on yourself. I live by a rule where "you cannot change other people, only yourself". So he made a completely out of line comment. But it's a comment (and he is a guy!!). Why do YOU let someone else with words get so far into you that YOU would let yourself get sabotaged? It seems like you are making a whole hearted effort to reach your goals despite your medication issues. Why let someone else ruin that?

    I spent years for what I thought was other people sabotaging me. Mainly my parents. My mom doesn't believe in working out hard (you'll get hurt, you'll get sick, blah blah blah). My Dad routinely says to me "Is that on your diet?" after I tell him about having mac and cheese for lunch because it's my favorite. But, I've realized that I can't change what they say. They will always say it. They say it meaning well, I was just using it as an excuse for myself not to go to the gym or not to eat well. Once I realized that I was the one who was really stopping me the weight started to fall off!!

    You are absolutely worth it to go through this journey of weight loss (and it IS a journey). There will be people and things trying to stop you all the time. It's up to you to stay focused to reach your goals. YOU ARE WORTH IT!! DON'T LET SOMEONE ELSE'S WORDS STOP YOU!
  • celestialbadger
    celestialbadger Posts: 44
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    Tell him to GTFO unless he has something supportive to say.
  • tigersword
    tigersword Posts: 8,059 Member
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    Does he know what your plan is for calories and how you are saving them for the evening? This sounds an aweful lot like a communication issue, not bullying.
    This.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    Just break up
  • Jennystimetolose
    Jennystimetolose Posts: 58 Member
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    I think he might be a bit jealous because you want to do something about yourself and he maybe feeling insecure with the change, keep at it my lovely we are all with you if you want crisps then you have them as long as they are in with your daily calorie allowance and if you go over never mind tomorrow is another day keep smiling and be happy x
  • nlehmann
    nlehmann Posts: 164 Member
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    Good morning (where I am)! One of my cardinal rules as a husband is 'don't talk about diet'. No win situation. :happy: Perhaps explain to him why this is so difficult for you, but why this is so important to you, and what sort of support you would like from him. (After your fury passes!) I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you - - we guys are just, well, sort of stupid :flowerforyou:

    As to your hunger. Do I understand that you have a 200 calorie breakfast, and a 200 calorie lunch, and a 700 calorie dinner? That counts up to only 1100 calories which is dangerously low. I'm not surprised you're so hungry! Losing weight cannot be accomplished by simply drastically cutting back your calories like that.

    I know you're venting and looking for support right now, but I think if you could take the time to go read this: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12

    That diet is simple, guaranteed to work, not painful and unpleasant like it sounds like your current diet might be, and various forms of that diet are what most of the success stories on this website come from.

    This exactly! You need to communicate better than shutting down and letting him win with a cheap shot. Explain your position clearly and end it at that.
    And I totally agree, 1100 calories is not enough and crisps (low fat or not) is not going to satisfy your hunger long term, find something with some fiber and protein to help you get through the evenin without feeling like you are straving. Good Luck!
  • Kynzmomma09
    Kynzmomma09 Posts: 25 Member
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    if you havent already, i would explain to him how youre choosing to consume your calories. if he already knows about your medicine he should understand why you would eat more before bed. i think it would be different if you were stuffing yourself with very bad food choices but you chose a healthy snack, shouldnt be a big deal over that. Dont continue to cry over this, sit down with him and explain to him how this makes you feel, how upset you get over his small comments. I truely hope he doesnt realize how hes coming off, and from here on out hes more supportive. good luck on your journey, dont give up, no matter what.
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
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    I started MFP on the 7th January and things have been going really well. Apart from a few hiccups have stuck to diet for over 12 days now and have lost 3lb.

    I take medication at night which causes a massive increase in appetite-this is the reason I gained weight in the first place. What I have been doing is having 200 cals for breakfast and lunch and then eating in the evening to use up the rest of my allowance as otherwise I cannot sleep due to hunger.

    Did brilliant yesterday and saved up 700 cals for the evening, but when I reached for a bag of low cal crisps my husband started "well this is a useless diet,.....you cannot be THAT hungry...I thought you wanted to lose weight".

    I decided to leave the crisps and have spent all last night awake and hungry.

    This morning I have been in tears and have told husband I might as well quit diet as he is using it to bully me.

    Last time I was on a successful diet I ended that too because of my husband as he made a big issue out of eating 5 tic tic sweets.

    Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".


    men can be butt heads. I had similar issues with my hubby multiple times over the last 18 years. I have told him that I "don't remember asking you to be the diet police" and " you have no clue what I have or have not eaten so far today, so STFU"

    He has finally gotten the hint, and is a little nicer about his approach. He DOES know that I have issues with certain foods, and he WILL ask me "are you going to be OK later if you eat that?

    I also agree with what others have said, you need to make sure you are eating ENOUGH food total. Unless your doctor has told you otherwise, you need to eat a MINIMUM of 1200 calories for the day, and possibly more. I am 5'2" tall and just under 200lbs, and I eat a minimum of 1400 calories a day---generally 1800-2000 with exercise.
  • alasin1derland
    alasin1derland Posts: 575 Member
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    As you gain knowledge share it with him. Show him your mfp diary. Explain to him you can eat whatever you want and as long as you are within the calorie range (or even just a bit over) you are still losing. There doesn't need to be any emotion attached to it. Its math, just numbers. If you are eating at a deficit you lose. Everyone on the planet knows healthier choices are better but if you are making mostly healthy choices and want some crisps in the evening and you still have calories left then so what. Once hubby understands that he will be saying" have you got enough calories to go to Montannas tonight for ribs. Well than just eat at maintenance, you won't gain." Instead of something stupid like "should you be eating that?" Then once he understands how it works and respects what you are doing and understands its a life style, not a punishment, you can both enjoy your commitment to weight loss.
  • Crankstr
    Crankstr Posts: 3,958 Member
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    I think you, and most of the posters in the thread, are over reacting.

    This is not 'emotional abuse'

    This. Abusive? Jealous? It was a comment about crisps. She could try conversation.

    Carry on, you make the choices in your life.
  • AngelaH10
    AngelaH10 Posts: 71 Member
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    Prove him wrong girl!!! You can do it! Use it as motivation! I'd be upset too, but I would want to prove him wrong more than anything!
  • msbunnie68
    msbunnie68 Posts: 1,894 Member
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    I started MFP on the 7th January and things have been going really well. Apart from a few hiccups have stuck to diet for over 12 days now and have lost 3lb.

    I take medication at night which causes a massive increase in appetite-this is the reason I gained weight in the first place. What I have been doing is having 200 cals for breakfast and lunch and then eating in the evening to use up the rest of my allowance as otherwise I cannot sleep due to hunger.

    Did brilliant yesterday and saved up 700 cals for the evening, but when I reached for a bag of low cal crisps my husband started "well this is a useless diet,.....you cannot be THAT hungry...I thought you wanted to lose weight".

    I decided to leave the crisps and have spent all last night awake and hungry.

    This morning I have been in tears and have told husband I might as well quit diet as he is using it to bully me.

    Last time I was on a successful diet I ended that too because of my husband as he made a big issue out of eating 5 tic tic sweets.

    Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".

    1) Can you take this medication in the morning instead of nighttime? That way you are hungry for meals not junk.

    2) If you have ended diets that were working for you over a couple of sweets or a bag of crisps then it is sounding like you are just looking for an excuse to end this one too.

    3) You need to want this to work, so you need to find the way and the determination to make it work.

    4) Your 'saved' 700 cals would be better spent on more filling foods - or at least something with nutritional value. Fruit and yogurt? Nuts?
  • Faye_Anderson
    Faye_Anderson Posts: 1,495 Member
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    That's called abuse. It's mental/emotional abuse. The only difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse is the choice of weapons. Everything can be used as a tool or a weapon. Words are no exception. No wonder you were crying.

    Seriously? He can't be saying it out of concern? It's automatically abuse? Get a grip!
  • darkguardian419
    darkguardian419 Posts: 1,302 Member
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    It sounds like he doesn't know how to help (so he is doing it in his own way) and doesn't fully understand what your plan is. Try explaining it to him and see if that changes it.

    As for those talking about how much of an a**hole he is, how all guys are jerks... maybe you need to go be a bit more selective about who you date. I'm sure her husband isn't a POS, it just sounds like he is trying to help her, but has no idea what to do/say.
  • pwittek10
    pwittek10 Posts: 723 Member
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    you are him using as excuse to fail!
    The diet is about YOU not about him.
    Are you really hungry or are you bored?

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