Absolutely livid at husband!
Replies
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I would explain to him the idea of a calorie deficit and that as long as you're under calories, you're good. I would show him the math... 700-130=570 (or whatever your calories were) and explain that you have a calorie deficit for the day.
Hang in there until your weight loss becomes noticeable... then he won't have anything left to say about it.0 -
Good morning (where I am)! One of my cardinal rules as a husband is 'don't talk about diet'. No win situation. :happy: Perhaps explain to him why this is so difficult for you, but why this is so important to you, and what sort of support you would like from him. (After your fury passes!) I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you - - we guys are just, well, sort of stupid :flowerforyou:
I agree with this post. My husband doesn't ever comment on what I am eating. My strategy is similar to yours in that I eat about 350 each for breakfast and lunch when I am on my own and save the rest for dinner with the family. That way I can cook whatever they are used to and I am not hungry by bedtime.
Men really can be clueless. I am sure he wants you to be successful, so sit him down for a serious, calm talk and let him know what your plan is, why you need to save calories for the evening and that negative comments are not helpful.
Congratulations on starting your weight loss journey. This site has really helped me to stay on track.0 -
Good morning (where I am)! One of my cardinal rules as a husband is 'don't talk about diet'. No win situation. :happy: Perhaps explain to him why this is so difficult for you, but why this is so important to you, and what sort of support you would like from him. (After your fury passes!) I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you - - we guys are just, well, sort of stupid :flowerforyou:
As to your hunger. Do I understand that you have a 200 calorie breakfast, and a 200 calorie lunch, and a 700 calorie dinner? That counts up to only 1100 calories which is dangerously low. I'm not surprised you're so hungry! Losing weight cannot be accomplished by simply drastically cutting back your calories like that.
I know you're venting and looking for support right now, but I think if you could take the time to go read this: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12
That diet is simple, guaranteed to work, not painful and unpleasant like it sounds like your current diet might be, and various forms of that diet are what most of the success stories on this website come from.
This exactly! You need to communicate better than shutting down and letting him win with a cheap shot. Explain your position clearly and end it at that.
And I totally agree, 1100 calories is not enough and crisps (low fat or not) is not going to satisfy your hunger long term, find something with some fiber and protein to help you get through the evenin without feeling like you are straving. Good Luck!
great answers! agree.0 -
My husband will do everything he can to sabotage me and my dieting, yet he's also so very good at reminding me how fat I am. I've learned that I've got to do this for me and once I start loving myself again, then I can truly be happy. Don't let him bring you to tears, he doesn't understand and probably never will. You're doing awesome, keep it up!0
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Im going to go against everything people have said. I dont actually think your hubby is being nasty to you, I think hes trying to help you get off things like crisps etc. Now im not perfect in anyway when it comes to food , but I can see why hes making the comments to you, and its probably because one will need to another and another.I cant do the total deprivation thing and never will be able to do it either, but i have to agree, getting crisps wouldnt fill a hamsters stomach lol. You can never fill up on snacks like this, and this is something ive learned in the last few years. There a total waste of calories. You would have been far better off with a bowl
of cereal.
I do maybe think that he has a opion of what he eats is perfect maybe and that is translating to you unfortunatley. But hey ive no idea, and this is only my opion and im trying to help you. 0 -
Someone posted about taking the medication in the morning, so that you are hungry during the day and not at night, that is a VERY good idea.
Also, as someone else said, 1100 calories is not enough for a person in a coma to survive. You need more, as you are not in a coma, and move during the day.
With that, eating very few calories can lead to severe mood swings. Being a female, we have them anyway, lack of nutrients in our body just makes them way worse. That may be why what you husband said upset you so much.
Have something yummy and good for you, then have a calm talk with your husband, to try and figure out how both of you can alleviate these things from happening again.
Good luck.0 -
I started MFP on the 7th January and things have been going really well. Apart from a few hiccups have stuck to diet for over 12 days now and have lost 3lb.
I take medication at night which causes a massive increase in appetite-this is the reason I gained weight in the first place. What I have been doing is having 200 cals for breakfast and lunch and then eating in the evening to use up the rest of my allowance as otherwise I cannot sleep due to hunger.
Did brilliant yesterday and saved up 700 cals for the evening, but when I reached for a bag of low cal crisps my husband started "well this is a useless diet,.....you cannot be THAT hungry...I thought you wanted to lose weight".
I decided to leave the crisps and have spent all last night awake and hungry.
This morning I have been in tears and have told husband I might as well quit diet as he is using it to bully me.
Last time I was on a successful diet I ended that too because of my husband as he made a big issue out of eating 5 tic tic sweets.
Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".
I might as well put my foot in it here. I really think your husband is trying to help but does not know that when supportive criticism comes from a loved one it hurts and when it comes from a stranger it is okay. I would say your Husband is insensitive but not a bully. You would not have married him if you truly thought that. I think you love him and he loves you. You have broken down communications which is ineffective. It is one of those questions Like do you think this makes me look to fat? No Husband can answer this correct. "So why ask" It is the set up to fail. On the other hand saying I notice with the side affect from my medications I crave more food in the evenings than during the day. So I eat my calories then. I have medications that cause the same problem. I could just crawl into the refrigerator. I however reach for whole foods when I do. Not empty calorie stuff. I think the Husband is seeing the empty calories and is calling you out on it.. Like wise call hubby out on his food junk. Challenge him to join you on the diet. But in the end It is your choice to be on the diet. Best of luck.0 -
My BF made a few similar comments in the beginning. Being the cantankerous ***** that I am, my first instinct is to go "SCREW YOU I WILL EAT ALL THE CHIPS IN THE WORLD!" Not helpful for myself or him. He was uneducated about what a diet is and nervous about the changes. It took about two or three weeks for him to realize that I knew what I was doing and I was going about it in a safe manner. He now rarely comments on what I choose to eat, even if he knows I will be slightly under or over goal.
Sometimes it just takes time for our partners to work through their own nervousness about what we are doing. A calm conversation and an explanation of how you are going about your weight loss would be in order. That's what helped me when I finally got over my knee-jerk, spiteful reaction.0 -
Bullying.
It does not mean what you think it means0 -
Bullying.
It does not mean what you think it means
^This.0 -
He probably thought he was being supportive in encouraging you not to snack. Sounds to me like a 'men are from Mars' situation. Just talk to him and explain why it upset you and let him know what he should be doing to support you.
Well done on your loss so far.0 -
Men are meaners0
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Agreed!Yikes . . . misandristic thread turned misandrist.
This is not abuse. Moreover, it should be about you. Don't use your husband as an excuse for quitting...that's an easy out.0 -
That's called abuse. It's mental/emotional abuse. The only difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse is the choice of weapons. Everything can be used as a tool or a weapon. Words are no exception. No wonder you were crying.
You were crying because he was treating you like a bad child. This makes him the authority figure and you subservient rather than an equal in a partnership. That's what abuse is. It's very destructive.
It's time for you to find yourself. You sound lost, but you are on your way. As you gain confidence in your ability to stick to a diet no matter what, you will gain confidence in yourself. When you gain confidence in yourself, he will not be able to sabotage you like that.
There is A LOT of truth to this. I know how you feel as I have been there in the past. If it wasn't my mother it was my husband (both are no longer a part of my life as I finally stopped the abuse through separation.) In this world there seems to be too many "watch dogs" to try and tell us what we're doing "wrong" or what we should be doing. Most times the people offering the ABUSE have NO CLUE about what they are talking about.
Don't give up or give in. If you do, you are playing into the abusive control. You deserve better and you have much worth, As quoted above, you WILL gain confidence in yourself as you get some healthy habits establish and start to realize your goals. When you do ... watch out world ... nothing can stop you!
Good luck, and if you need a pal that knows what it is to suffer abuse, I sure would be a cheerleader for you!0 -
Maybe he didn't know you had 700 calories left to eat?
I get that's it's your husband saying it, but really don't take it too personally. He may have no idea on how you're trying to lose weight and is oblivious to it.
Results are really all that matters and if you're losing weight doing it this way, next time say "Yep, I can eat them".
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Well said
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Divorce.0
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It could be he's feeling insecure. He may be afraid that once you lose the weight you will be more attractive to other men and will leave him. I know, it sounds stupid but my girl friend had the experience. She was dieting and her husband kept sabotaging her. When she asked him what was going on he told her he was afraid he would lose her once she lost the weight. My first husband was the "food police", it absolutely drove me crazy!0
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Does he think he is helping you in his own way?
Sounds like he needs a lesson in tact.
^^ Agree
Yeah, I don't think that sounds like bullying at all. He's just being a man and probably *is* trying to be helpful.0 -
. And eat more than 1100 calories. Read the link provided by Emanyalpsid . Good stuff.
Eat . Well.
Exercise.
Yeah, this too.0 -
I think you, and most of the posters in the thread, are over reacting.
This is not 'emotional abuse'
This. Abusive? Jealous? It was a comment about crisps. She could try conversation.
Carry on, you make the choices in your life.
^^ This. Seriously, it was a lack of tact.0 -
Yup. Far from abusive.I think you, and most of the posters in the thread, are over reacting.
This is not 'emotional abuse'
This. Abusive? Jealous? It was a comment about crisps. She could try conversation.
Carry on, you make the choices in your life.
^^ This. Seriously, it was a lack of tact.
Now, if he had snatched the crisps away and had proceeded to flog her with a bag of crisps, that would be a different story.0 -
Now, if he had snatched the crisps away and had proceeded to flog her with a bag of crisps, that would be a different story.
A good flogging every once in while isn't necessarily a bad thing.0 -
My ex did that do me too and it got really discouraging. Tell him to just keep his thoughts to himself since this is YOUR thing. Do your thing, girl. If you feel you need to diet and lose weight, do it for you and ignore him.0
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I will admit I haven't read all the other posts, but here's my 2 cents…
If this is just a "diet" then ultimately it will end, and chances are things go back to before (including weight gain).
If this is a lifestyle change, then you are setting yourself up for a future of healthy weight, exercise, and food choices. [NOTE: the idea is far more important than the word choice!]
You need to decide which this is for you. I suggest making it a permanent lifestyle change. And for most people, that means including treats from time to time, but overall making sure that most of your food choices fit into your calorie and macro goals.
Then, tell him that this isn't a diet, you are changing your eating habits. Tell him that you ARE tracking what you eat, and that it DOES fit in your daily goals. Tell him that YOU are in control, and that you can eat what you chose without him making snide comments. If he really is trying to help, he should back off when you tell him that you are keeping track and it's okay and in your calories. If he's trying to bully you, standing up for yourself and your right to chose should make him back off. Either way, you know that you are taking control, and that your decisions are based on your goals and what you know is in your food log, not on anything someone else says.0 -
My hubby sabotaged my last weight loss effort. I found he does it subconsciously but it's for a purpose. He doesn't want other men to see me as desirable and helping keep me fat is his answer. He constantly eats everything in sight and buys high fat and calorie snacks just to tempt me. Now that I have figured out his scheme, I warned him it won't work again. If he tries I will call him on it. So ignore him. Men can be fools.0
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I started MFP on the 7th January and things have been going really well. Apart from a few hiccups have stuck to diet for over 12 days now and have lost 3lb.
I take medication at night which causes a massive increase in appetite-this is the reason I gained weight in the first place. What I have been doing is having 200 cals for breakfast and lunch and then eating in the evening to use up the rest of my allowance as otherwise I cannot sleep due to hunger.
Did brilliant yesterday and saved up 700 cals for the evening, but when I reached for a bag of low cal crisps my husband started "well this is a useless diet,.....you cannot be THAT hungry...I thought you wanted to lose weight".
I decided to leave the crisps and have spent all last night awake and hungry.
This morning I have been in tears and have told husband I might as well quit diet as he is using it to bully me.
Last time I was on a successful diet I ended that too because of my husband as he made a big issue out of eating 5 tic tic sweets.
Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".
Try not to get upset over this. Instead, talk to you husband and explain what you are doing with calorie counting and how this has worked for you so far (3 lbs in 12 days). If you cannot do this, there are other issues you (and he) need to work out.
It also sounds like you want to make him your excuse for failure. Or you have a lack of confidence. If it's working (like you said the last diet was successful), then you have support as to what you are doing is fine, and whatever he said shouldn't bother you.0 -
Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".
This is hopeful.
Alot of people like to say our choices only affect us and not others around us. How are you handling your choices here? How do you act when you only have a 700 cal day? Our attitude and words affect others around us....are your words positive? Sure you can get angry at him and say he is sabotaging your efforts but is this just another excuse to quit? You decided to make this life style change, you need to be your own motivator and positive talker first. It is unreasonable to ask out of your husband and to be exactly what you need in a big change. Make sure your attitude is right, words are positive, and mindset is solid; then work on your husband on what will help you. GL on your journey.0 -
I started MFP on the 7th January and things have been going really well. Apart from a few hiccups have stuck to diet for over 12 days now and have lost 3lb.
I take medication at night which causes a massive increase in appetite-this is the reason I gained weight in the first place. What I have been doing is having 200 cals for breakfast and lunch and then eating in the evening to use up the rest of my allowance as otherwise I cannot sleep due to hunger.
Did brilliant yesterday and saved up 700 cals for the evening, but when I reached for a bag of low cal crisps my husband started "well this is a useless diet,.....you cannot be THAT hungry...I thought you wanted to lose weight".
I decided to leave the crisps and have spent all last night awake and hungry.
This morning I have been in tears and have told husband I might as well quit diet as he is using it to bully me.
Last time I was on a successful diet I ended that too because of my husband as he made a big issue out of eating 5 tic tic sweets.
Just really upset and angry now. He insists he is not bullying me and is "just trying to help".
First of all I think you should have a chat with him because he obviously thinks he's helping when he's hurting.
Secondarily:
Your husband obviously has no F'ing clue that total calorie and nutrient intake are the driving factors for weight loss, not the individual food sources taken in isolation. A bag of crisps by itself does not cause fat gain or inhibit fat loss. What causes fat gain or blunts fat loss is a diet containing too many calories. He needs to get a clue about this because right now it's apparent he has none, and you can go ahead and print this and show it to him.
So unless he's monitoring your entire diet as a whole, and he knows what you've got left for calorie intake for the day, then he really can't say whether or not any food choice you make is good or bad and he's talking out of his *kitten*. This is obviously secondary to your feelings but I'm mentioning it in the hopes that it alleviates some guilt you might feel for eating some tic tacs or some crisps here and there.0 -
I would have eaten the whole bag in front of him!
Seriously, if you have told him it upsets you and he still does it, then it is bullying.
You don't need your husband's approval before you eat something.
This^^^ I agree, I would have smashed the whole bag while he looked on! And then throw the bag in his face after I was done!0
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