Absolutely livid at husband!
Replies
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I'm sorry, but are you doing this for him or you?
Don't sabotage something you want out of spite. That's childish and stupid. Sure, he upset you and he shouldn't have, but by giving up all together you're saying, "Well, if you're going to annoy me I don't want a better life for myself, so there."
Which is stupid.
Don't you agree?
this..... it's your body and whether you are huge or skinny, you're the one living that life. if you want to lose weight, then do it for you. it sucks he doesn't sound that supportive but at the same time maybe he is blunt because that's his way of trying to get you to stick to your diet when it clearly upsets you a lot.
he may be in sensitive but really?!? you cannot blame anyone else for what goes on your mouths the end of the day.0 -
Hi
often people who are not on diets or just don't need to lose the weight, do not understand how a diet works. They don't know that you can have "treats" as long as you count them as part of your overall calorie watch. They assume that we all want to live off lettuce and celery sticks. In fact next time your husband comments on your diet, tell him that you don't need him to bully you about your weight or how you follow your plan, as it is in your hands not his.0 -
mine when i was married, was scared if i dieted i would leave him. i told him i would leave him weither i was fat or skinny it wouldn"t matter about my weight. So maybe he is scared if u lose weight you will leave him, it sounds like he is insecure. Best of luck to you.0
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Stick with it - we all know how hard it is, but you are worth it.0
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Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend! he had a go at me for eating a packet of rice crisps once! he always bullied me over my weight! he ended up going off with some other girl and to be honest it's the best thing he did for me!
I'm now happily married with two beautiful children and a supportive husband.0 -
My husband is king of saying things he shouldn't and quite honestly I truly believe its because he is clueless. Never the less, years ago when my husband or anyone for that matter would question what I could or couldn't eat because of being on weight watchers, I would politely tell them this is not a diet but a lifestyle change and I need to be able to live with it for the rest of my life. Tell him how you feel. He might just be that clueless. Remember - you are doing this for you, not him!!0
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Anytime I would mention to my boyfriend that I was going on a diet, he would say I'm ridiculous. It felt good at first, because that meant he didn't care that I was overweight. But I still felt like I was. So one year ago I joined Weight Watchers, and didn't tell him about it for weeks, because I knew he would call me stupid for paying to lose weight. We broke up for a few weeks, and when he saw me again, he couldn't believe how good I looked and how much confidence I had after losing 15 pounds. I would tell him that if he wanted me to be happy, to let me do what I wanted to do for myself. Losing weight shouldn't be about anyone but yourself. Now my boyfriend never says anything when I say I want to lose weight. He says I don't need to, but if I want to, go for it. Maybe your husband is insecure that you will look really good after losing some weight, and you will get attention from other guys. Sit down and tell him how important this is to YOU. If he can't support it, that is even more reason to kick butt at this diet and show him you can do it without him, and he's not going to drag you down.0
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I'm not sure what advice to give you but can tell you what happened to a couple of my friends. They were a couple, early 30's married for about 5 years, both at about 100kg. The guy is really happy being 100kg, he's very muscly, into his strength training at home and diet consisting mostly of meat and potatoes. The girl was simply fat, she decided to change and started eating clean, mostly vegetables, going to the gym every day. Last time we went to their place we were offered 2 completely different dishes cooked by each of them LOL. The girl lost 1/3 of her body weight and I guess they grew apart, their differences were too much to put under one roof so she moved out. My husband's comment was something like "wow the ***** lost all the weight and left him for someone better, you won't do the same, will you eh?!?" I second that men are insecure when it comes to their spouses changing for the better.0
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I'm not sure how all of the conversations with your husband have gone, but perhaps you should share with him how your calorie intake works. Explain that you have an allowance (much like, say, a monetary allowance) and that you can spend it how you want. This can mean that for dinner you have half of your budget left or almost nothing; it differs from day to day.
Perhaps he doesn't understand. Perhaps he feels guilty for not following in your footsteps. I'm not sure how your schedules are, but perhaps he doesn't see you eat often and so a bag of crisps seems a bit silly to him. Whatever it is, it sounds like you need to talk. I'm not defending him, but in my experience others' comments come from one of these three places. My parents didn't understand the calorie allowance, my friend felt guilty indulging in cake when I didn't, and my boyfriend (at first) hadn't seen me eat much because our schedules were so wonky (and in his case, the comments were more along the lines of, "You aren't eating, love!").0 -
He shouldn't be criticising but it's probably due to ignorance rather than spite. The fact that crisps are usually seen as unhealthy snacks he's probably thinking you should be eating something better, and to be honest there are a lot healthier more filling things to choose - a bowl of cereal maybe or toast? If you are going purely by calorie intake you need to make him understand you're not going over by eating later on and maybe Involve him in your food planning? Showing him your food log here so he can see you have the calories spare might help.
Lastly... sorry, but you should never blame giving up on anyone else other than yourself. We have to own our failures as well as our wins!
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Wow. I made it through 6 pages of comments, that'll do.
There have been some very sensible replies along the way. Checking out the link about "in place of a road map" to help your own planning is one. Those that suggested you communicate with your husband, show him the maths, and/or politely ask him to trust that you are working to a plan, all good constructive advice.
To those who fly into a default position of assuming abuse, and calling this man names because of a tactless remark which was based on not understanding the OP's method... you all ought to be embarrassed.
Just because you have experienced an abusive relationship, or someone close to you has, or you saw an Oprah special about it, doesn't mean that every less-than-sparkling exchange between a husband and wife constitutes abuse! There is nothing in the original post that would suggest that the OP's experience in any way resembles your relationship (or your friends', or the one on Oprah).
Settle the F down, and stop making everything about you!
A comment that unintentionally caused offence is NOT bullying .
To the OP, it sounds like things are better with your husband after you've spoken to him. I'm glad to hear that.
Best of luck on your journey, I hope that you keep your goals clear in your mind so that nothing will deter you from them.0 -
Hi, I feel bad that he is doing this to you but my husband used to do this to. This time I explained to him what I was doing. I told him I was on a journey to eat healthier, I explained MFP to him and he seems to understand it just fine. I am not calling my quest a diet, I am calling it a journey to healty living. Show him your plan on MFP and show him how you have calories left to eat at night. I set up my food journal aa times of day rather than Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner plus snacks. I have mine as 9am to 12pm, 12pm to 3pm, 3pm to 7pm and 7pm to 12am. I eat small stuff through out the day when I am hungry not when some one tells me to eat. Please stick to MFP and stick to what you are doing. You have lost weight and that is what matters, what you are doing is working.0
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Quit the 'diet' mentality
You are eating better, and less, however it works for you. Don't tell him you're dieting, just eat within your calorie limit. You don't really need to tell him anything.
I know someone like this, they mean well but it doesn't help. You need to do it your way. Some go cold turkey, some have everything in moderation. x
This perhaps my biggest problem. I am not eating better I am eating less.
I found out cals in a large orange are 132, whereas Frazzle crisps are 90, so I choose the crisps. Am I doing this wrong?
OF COURSE YOURE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. One should never eat Frazzle Crisps alone. Try this dear heart:
Trust me.....It's literally to die for lovie!
WHITE CHOCOLATE COVERED PORK SCRATCHINGS AND FRAZZLES
Ingredients
* Frazzles, Pork Scratchings
* Maple syrup (the maple flavour compliments the artificial bacon flavour of the Frazzles perfectly) (4 big tablespoons)
* Butter (3 tablespoons)
* White chocolate (150g)
Method
1. Create a bain-marie. (a pan floating in boiling water contained in a bigger pan).
2. Bash up all the chocolate (150g), and put it in the pan with the syrup and butter. Stir and melt.
3. Put the frazzles and or pork rinds in. Stir gently – don’t break the Frazzles.
4. As soon as you get them covered in sauce, take them out and put them either in cupcake papers or a greased sheet.
5. Cool, eat.
http://www.deadinsect.co.uk/tag/crisps/0 -
I understand how you feel completely. I have a habit of going at the "healthy" thing for two or three days and then giving up, so when I stick to it for more than a few weeks, it's an achievement. One of the last times I was doing really good, I quit because I wasn't losing pounds or inches. I was eating right, exercising, the whole bit, and nothing. Not one measly pound. So I quit.
Turns out, when he was making dinners at night, he was sneaking MASSIVE amounts of sugar into them and disguising it with stronger spices. All because he "likes me better bigger."
Needless to say, it took a lot of time for me to trust him around my food again. Even now, when he cooks I still take the occasional glance.
He takes advantage of my cravings, too. when I lose enough that he can see a difference, he jumps to get me whatever it is that I'm craving. Gets me with all of the "You've been doing so good lately, take a day off with me," or "you only live once, you might as well eat what you want," or similar comments. Then when I give in, he does it for another or day or two, and I'm back to square one. It's sooooo frustrating.
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that deals with this kind of stuff. I've seen so many people here talk about how happy their partners are... all I can think is "must be nice!"
sounds like YOUR partner has a lot of self esteem issues.... is he scared if you get thinner, you will leave him?0 -
He is an enabler, so you just have to ignore his comments and continue to eat the way you need to succeed.0
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Just ignore us like you usually do LOL! Just kidding..0
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You have to get a grip! He just said don't eat some crisps. JEez0
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I hate it when they do that. I always say ' I can eat what I like as long as I have the calories' please don't go hungry because of it though, u saved them and u damn well deserved them0
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I think you are being over sensitive...I think it would be good for your if you could tell him to mind his own business and just get on with it....if you use this as an excuse to end the diet you will never lose the weight that you want to....your whole post sounds like you feel really sorry for yourself....grow a pair and tell him to shut the **** up....0
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Good morning (where I am)! One of my cardinal rules as a husband is 'don't talk about diet'. No win situation. :happy: Perhaps explain to him why this is so difficult for you, but why this is so important to you, and what sort of support you would like from him. (After your fury passes!) I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you - - we guys are just, well, sort of stupid :flowerforyou:
As to your hunger. Do I understand that you have a 200 calorie breakfast, and a 200 calorie lunch, and a 700 calorie dinner? That counts up to only 1100 calories which is dangerously low. I'm not surprised you're so hungry! Losing weight cannot be accomplished by simply drastically cutting back your calories like that.
I know you're venting and looking for support right now, but I think if you could take the time to go read this: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/654536-in-place-of-a-road-map-2-0-revised-7-2-12
That diet is simple, guaranteed to work, not painful and unpleasant like it sounds like your current diet might be, and various forms of that diet are what most of the success stories on this website come from.
^^^^^ This. Please believe this nice man! That link is a necessary read. It will help tremendously. Also, I've been told by several close guy friends/family members that the way guys encourage and the way women do is COMPLETELY opposite. They try to encourage you the way they think is the best way. Calmly, I repeat calmly lol, explain that you'd like him to support you in THIS way, however you see fit, and that the way he's doing it is upsetting you. My guess is he'll do that.
Good luck! (also, I'm 5'3" and am on a deficit of 1950 calories. You are way too low I'm guessing so please give that link a try!)0 -
things are going far better between me and him today. I am also now trying to switch from crisps as a snack (although I have some special lo cal ones I might have as a treat) and moving to fruit.
Am also considering getting a cross trainer for the house0 -
Tell him that he can either support you, shut his f'in pie hole or leave. That's three options for him.0
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Iam not the person who started this conversation but I want to say thanks, Iam in a married to a man that does this, not about my weight but everything else ( checks to see if I turned the heat up or down or if the windows are open in the summer, comments on clothes I wear to work, etc....). Sometimes emotional abuse is very hard to see. It's obvious if your getting punched in the face but not so obvious when it's your self esteem they are injuringThat's called abuse. It's mental/emotional abuse. The only difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse is the choice of weapons. Everything can be used as a tool or a weapon. Words are no exception. No wonder you were crying.
You were crying because he was treating you like a bad child. This makes him the authority figure and you subservient rather than an equal in a partnership. That's what abuse is. It's very destructive.
It's time for you to find yourself. You sound lost, but you are on your way. As you gain confidence in your ability to stick to a diet no matter what, you will gain confidence in yourself. When you gain confidence in yourself, he will not be able to sabotage you like that.
My husband tried to sabotage me as well. Every time I started a diet, he wanted to go out to dinner that night. Finally I said no because I was on a diet. So he made other plans without my participation and invited people over, which required me to prepare food that wasn't on my diet. I told him that he was responsible for the food because I wasn't able to assume that responsibility - and as long as he was handling the hors d'oeuvres, he should be certain to include (types of things I needed to stay on my diet). This frustrated him greatly, and only then could we have a discussion about how he was sabotaging me.
I reminded him that for 50 years, I had never been fat, but these extra pounds I now carry around began to creep up as soon as I met him. I used to laugh when my family told me that my weight must be his fault. But now I don't any more and I am going to become the me that I want to be - whether he is with me or against me. And if he's against me, he should look at that - giving it real thought - because I don't choose to be married to someone who isn't my friend and I am prepared to do what I have to do to be sure that isn't happening.
My husband is now a great supporter. I've reclaimed my place - in my life and in my marriage. It's so much easier now.
But I do KNOW that there are those abusers who will do anything that it takes to make themselves feel superior to you and to make you feel bad about yourself. That feeling bad about yourself is what he feeds off. Your fear.
Do not let him see your fear. Do not flaunt your fear (I can't succeed) in front of him because that's exactly what such people want to hear from you. You must flaunt your self-confidence and self-assurance. You must never see yourself as HIS victim. You must never see yourself as "a" victim.
You must take control of YOUR life. Then you will rediscover the "YOU" of you.
Meanwhile, saving most of your calories for dinner sounds a little like your sabotaging you in a similar way that you are allowing your husband to sabotage you.
I'm not sure how many pounds you have to lose, but I began with 120 to lose. Only 29 pounds down and I am such a different person than the one I was when I began. Something incredibly wonderful has happened to me. I am growing will-power, and with that, my self-esteem has blossomed. The shame that I lived in is gone. My awareness that I can do anything that I set my mind to is phenomenal!
You go girl! You can do it.0 -
So I would like to suggest that you simply ignore his comments and focus on your goal of losing weight. Once he sees an improvement then he will congratulate you and leave you alone. Cheer up as this journey is a tough one and get back to it!0
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Whoa, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water just yet. I have a slightly different angle for you here if my 2 cents don't get me beat up too much. Sounds like he might be a little insecure??? Is he secretly afraid if you succeed you won't want him anymore? Plainly said, is he afraid of losing you so is he subconsciously sabotaging you?
If he is normally very sweet and you know (even though he has a weird way of showing it) that he truly loves you for you, then I would just say blow him a kiss & do what you do. Maybe he just needs to be reassured like every one of us that not all changes have to be scary and that you will still love him no matter what. Just sayin' because I have one of those strong, silent but determined to put his foot in his mouth when he is not types as my best friend and husband.
If this is definitely not the case then I agree with most other postings.0 -
Prove him wrong!I had to, he dared me!What else could I do, he called me chicken!
I hope nobody tells these people they aren't fit to sleep with a pig. :laugh:0 -
I know a lot of people on here are saying that the OP may be overreacting, that he didn't say anything wrong, so I read it again just to be sure. What he said was just plain mean. Calling it a "useless diet" is mean. If he REALLY feels the need to say anything at all, something like, "Honey, are you going to be upset later if you eat that?" Is at least a little more sensitive and supportive. Then OP could have nicely explained about her calorie allowance and thank him for helping keep her on track.
OP also mention that he once gave her hell over 5 tic tacs. That at least in my humble opinion is just going too far, especially if he is in the habit of saying things like that.0 -
Also, I think if you can just let him know what you're doing, he might understand it better. Obviously, crisps aren't healthy, and many people associate them with weight gain; however, it is okay to have a snack once in a while.
Maybe just a response such as, "Well, I've had 400 calories today, and I need to eat 1200 calories a day if I want to lose weight, so a handful of these crisps for just today will not ruin the diet."0 -
Its seems to me that he's trying to be supportive, but doesn't know how. The whole demonizing of the eating thing is not going to help you and isn't healthy for your relationship. I suggest sitting down and sharing your diet plan with him and explaining your body's NEED for continued caloric intake to actually lose the weight. Better yet, have him join MFP and let him check up on your progress to hold you accountable. That's what my rail thin hubby did. Let him be a part of this journey.0
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Whoa, let's not throw the baby out with the bath water just yet. I have a slightly different angle for you here if my 2 cents don't get me beat up too much. Sounds like he might be a little insecure??? Is he secretly afraid if you succeed you won't want him anymore? Plainly said, is he afraid of losing you so is he subconsciously sabotaging you?
If he is normally very sweet and you know (even though he has a weird way of showing it) that he truly loves you for you, then I would just say blow him a kiss & do what you do. Maybe he just needs to be reassured like every one of us that not all changes have to be scary and that you will still love him no matter what. Just sayin' because I have one of those strong, silent but determined to put his foot in his mouth when he is not types as my best friend and husband.
If this is definitely not the case then I agree with most other postings.
I agree here as well! I am sure most of us have stories about family and friends who were not as supportive as we would have liked. I think a lot of the time, insecurity and fear of change plays an important role in these kind of comments. Try your best to understand why they might have said that comment and remember that what a person says has more to do with what they are going through at the moment than it has to do with you. Then for more support, log on here and tell us all the story and we can share a supportive comment. That's what MFP friends are for!0
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