Should I be upset or is she right?

HalloweenMom · May 2010

I used to weigh 270 lbs! After lap band I lost a lot of weight but unfortunately, it does not work forever, so I gained weight again and began MFP at 203 lbs!

My sister in law has known me through my ups and downs. She's seen me huge, small, thick and huge again. She's about 5'1 and weighs about 230 lbs! She has a nice shape to her therefore although she's big, it does not look as bad as it did on me. On Sunday the 4 of us went to the park (Me and my hubby, her and my brother plus the kids) and since I'm on "healthy" mode I decided to go for a walk around the park to get some exercise in. I asked her if she would want to join me and she agreed, we walked and talked about weight loss, my brother has always loved "chubby" girls, but lately he has told me that she's gained too much weight, he tries to talk to her about it but her attitude has always been very strong - so he just avoids it. I decided to talk to her about MFP and all, but she didn't seem interested so I just gave up. I just told her about me and she kept on telling me that I shouldn't feel FAT because I really wasn't.

I was surprised when Sunday night she asked me if I wanted to go do a 3-mile walk with her sometime this week, I, of course, approved and we met up yesterday afternoon.

We walked and talked and it was hard for her to catch her breathe, I felt bad - I remember being in her place when I was bigger. I thought that maybe I should continue to tell her about my weight loss and how much this site has helped me, not to push her to do it but maybe to get her in the "healthy" mode i'm in. After a chat or two she began to tell me that I really need to up my self esteem, that I am NOT fat and that I shouldn't worry so much about counting calories. She even began to talk about how annoying it was when her boss would count fats and calories in front of her, she also began to tell me that she felt beautiful the way she was and that since my brother liked her that way, she didn't really care for a change. I began to feel as if maybe my self-esteem was destroyed, she seemed so confident and happy with herself. I am not happy with ME. I am probably 50 lbs lighter than her but I still feel so "disgusted" with myself. She continued to tell me that she loved food and that she doesn't count any calories or worries about it at all, that I shouldn't worry about it either. She began to talk about fast foods and all sorts of yummy foods that are my biggest weaknesses; I don't know why but I began to get thoughtful, - Am I really OK the way I am? Should I just love myself this way? Am I really doing it for me or because I want the world to accept me and see me as a skinny woman? OMG, she began to have an impact on me. I got home and spoke to my husband about it and he said that yes, maybe I do have a self esteem problem that I need to learn how to fix, but that I shouldn't do this for anyone but myself and that if I was happy the way I was then I should be this way. I am not, so I should continue, I want to break away from being FAT, I just want to get to my goal weight and re-evaluate my self love THEN. I think that if I ever get to my goal weight and I still believe that I am fat, then I'd have to get some sort of counseling for my obvious serious problem, until then I think that I should continue this weight loss journey.

Today I get a message from my sister in law - a picture message on my phone: A picture of a philly cheese steak sandwhich with extra cheese and fries. UGH! Why? Why would she do that? Is she trying to sabotage me because maybe she feels like she can't get there? I remember feeling that way when I was really big - but ..... should I be upset or maybe understand where she stands? Is she really happy with who she is? Why would she keep telling me that I have a "self-esteem" issue that is leading me to losing weight? Is she trying to stop me?

TheMaidOfAstolat · May 2010

It seems as though she doesn't want to be the only one that's overweight...and by derailing you...she can keep you overweight. She is threatened by your interest in losing weight...and not just losing weight but being healthier. I know many women who are thin but they are not by any means healthy. Do this for yourself and maybe once she sees how healthy you are she might come around to your way of thinking. Keep talking to her but don't put any pressure on her or it may backfire.

squoozyq · May 2010

Remember what I said to you in the beginning? SHE doesn't want to lose weight.
Focus on what you are doing, think about the health factor...and love who you are at any weight.
People will try to sabotage you, but who cares? Do what you need to do for YOU.
If your sister in law knew what your brother thought, she'd be devastated to know what he really does think. However, it shouldnt' matter what he thinks either.....
Worry about you, you are doing so well, and in such a short time too! You were totally unmotivated a couple of weeks ago.
Chin up girl!

DanOhh · May 2010

It sounds like she's trying to sabotage your weight loss. From what I'm reading you're enjoying feeling better so it sounds like you have a good self-esteem to me.

sjcply · May 2010

Sounds like she is trying to bring you to where she is comfortable. She doesnt want you to lose the weight cause then she will be the unhealthy one. But you have to do this for yourself not anyone else. Maybe when you do it, she will see it and you can pay it forward and help her!
Good luck!

nehtaeh · May 2010

Make it more about being healthy than the weight aspect. Eating all that crap all the time is not good for you no matter what you weigh.

Being healthy will keep you around longer for the kids. It will give you more stamina for everything. It will make you feel better about yourself. Just think about how much easier it was for you to do that 3 mile walk than it was for her. That's simply because you are caring about your body.

She may not care about getting healthy but don't let her put so much focus on food like that. Tell her that you respect her decision to love herself as she is, but please respect that you want to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with trying to better youself.

I am not happy with my body as is either, but that doesn't mean I feel any less self worth than someone else.

zebras · May 2010

She obviously has issues, and wouldn't be trying to sabotage you if she wasn't jealous. No one is truly happy about being overweight. I was 275 and I had to build a lot of confidence and self-acceptance to get through life, but I never was happy about my weight.

You have to want to fix yourself for you and your health, as long as you are trying to fix yourself to make your husband or your mother happy or to look better for other people, you will not succeed in the long run.

Mina133842 · May 2010

sounds to me like she is sabotaging your success. She probably feels inadequate, because she wouldn't be telling you these things otherwise, and taking a shot at someone's "self esteem," especially if she is of the opinion that yours is lower, then she would know how much her statements could impact you. DO NOT give her power in this area. Since when is it wrong to try and better yourself, and if you're unhappy with the state of your mind/health/body, and you're taking action to improve those things, then why is that Bad?!! I've had several "friends" that have done this in the past, and hate to admit that I've probably done the same- brought in treats to work when I couldn't leave them alone at home, and then pass them off to co-workers (some of which may have also been dieting).

See it for what it is, and keep doing what you're doing.

kellykat · May 2010

Loving yourself is important. However, one act of loving yourself is to care for your body. It sounds to me like you want to make healthy changes in your life and you are definitely going about it in the right way. Your sister in law has to make her own decisions. If she is comfortable and loves her body the way it is - that's her decision. However, it sounds like she is very comfortable in her marriage and thinks that your brother is happy with the weight she has gained and there is no real way for him to be honest with her without hurting her feelings. If he wants her to get healthier then he needs to start with himself and maybe see if it will catch on to her. If she doesn't want to change, no one can make her. It's not fair for her to try to sabotage you with evil pictures and try to discourage you from losing weight. It's your choice to change your body and not hers. You both need to do what is right for yourselves.

AprilChampion · May 2010

It seems as though she doesn't want to be the only one that's overweight...and by derailing you...she can keep you overweight. She is threatened by your interest in losing weight...

i completely agree with this....i have people in my life that used to do this to me until i finally said "ENOUGH! im not going to LET YOU derail my fitness or nutrition plan anymore!!! This is for MY health!!"

bluiz13 · May 2010

i'm am fuming for you as i type this and have to keep going back to correct my typos because i am typing sooooo fast with aggravation for you....

okay first of all....each person feels differently about themselves based on how they were raised and whatever other issues they have with food and/or weight...YOU have to decide where you want to be...what makes YOU happy....if that is working out and watching what you eat than keep doing it...you can't push your views on her and she shouldnt push her views on you.....doing it to each other is completely wrong....what she is doing by sending you a picture of BAD foods and BAD choices (for YOU) is completely inappropriate if YOU told her how you feel and what your goals are.....i'd love to attack her here and give her **** for what she is doing and why she is doing it, BUT the bottom line is, it doesnt matter why for you to be successful...
if she is someone you want to continue to have a relationship with now during your process and later when you get to your healthy self, YOU need to lay some ground rules out for HER.....you need to tell her flat out, this is something that is important to me, i value our relationship and want to continue it in the future (if that is what you want), if you care about me and my choices, please respect my wishes and dont continue to encourage me to make BAD CHOICES FOR ME....help me make myself happy but inviting me to exercise with you - supporting my food choices, complimenting me on my hard work.....
if you dont lay the ground rules NOW it is only going to get worse from here on in, since clearly she does not want to make a change to her life, for whatever her reasons, and that is her choice, but she should not be sabotaging your efforts when clearly this is something that is very important to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mommamills · May 2010

I would def be ticked and you have every right to be too! If she is happy the way she is then fine, more power to her, but she should support you and your efforts. NOT send you pics of foods that you are obviously trying to avoid. I would def have to sit her down and tell her that you were just looking for a buddy that was interested in getting HEALTHY not SKINNY with you and that if she loves her food more than her health, that you wish her all the luck in the world. What she is doing is NOT supportive and is absolutely cruel. Not saying that she is deliberately trying to be cruel, but she knows that this is not helping. I think you are right when you think that she is doing this because she wants you to stay unhealthy with her. When you watch somebody work hard and get rewarded with their body image and health, it works on your self esteem and makes you wonder why you can't do it......for folks like her, it's simply because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO and she allows herself to believe that it's ok for her to be unhealthy as long as she doesn't think she's fat. It's not ok. You have to be healthy....not only for your loved ones who want you around forever and ever, but for yourself! How awesome do you feel even after just a cpl pound loss when you know you did it the right way with eating right and exercising??? How awesome do you feel after sweating it up with a good workout??? Let that be your motivation!!! Ask her politely to either support you or don't, but def quit torturing you!!!! Keep up the good work and don't let anyone make you doubt that it's good for you to be healthy!!!!!!! :flowerforyou:

MissingMinnesota · May 2010

I would be upset if I was you. If she wasn't your sister in law I would say she needs to be kicked to the curb as she should want what is best for you. You want to be happy and healthy and have a long life while she is jeporidizing herself. I have had friends calling me the food nazi lately but I came back with yes and it works and I am getting healthier because of it.

LongMom · May 2010

I think you should remove the word FAT from your vocabulary

The key here is that Philly Steak Sandwitch is NOT HEALTHY! Your SIL walking and being out of breath - NOT healthy.

Fat is a horrible negative word. It should never have evolved into an adjective, it should have remained a noun.

I think your SIL is definately experiencing some issues with your weight loss and I would suggest you accept that and move on from it. This is all about you and your decision to get healthy. Healthy = Positive and Positive = Happy. That's the biggest equation we all have to realize. Being healthy, your body produces good energy, boosting our happiness!

Comparing ourselves to others isn't FAIR. We're all different, our brains, our bodies, our emotions....what is "perfect"? What is "ideal"? I would EXPECT everyones answer to be different, wouldn't you?

Once you accept you for you and make decisions for yourself and yourself only, the Debbie Downers will be quiet. Happiness is infectious!

Bikini27 · May 2010

squoozyq is RIGHT.

YOU are doing this for you, like she's remaining overweight and that makes HER happy. Remember your reasons for starting this journey. You shouldn't feel guilty for caring about your health and wanting to look your best.

Don't let her derail you and your progress. And let her know that in no uncertain terms that's not ok for her to send you pics of food and talk about how great fastfood is. She needs to respect you and your decisions as you do hers.

JJRunning · May 2010

She's definitely trying to sabatoge you... probably because she feels like she doesn't have the will power to do it. Another thing to remember is healthy isn't only about being "skinny". Those fast food meals and huge philly cheese steaks will cause a heart attack before they make her really really big. I'd let her know you understand her position, but it isn't the same position as yours. Therefore, kindly ask her not to send you those photos or talk with you about fast food, etc. YOU'RE doing the right thing for your future... if she doens't want to join that isn't your fault. Keep it up... you always have us here:flowerforyou:

MTGirl · May 2010

Of course you are O.K. the way you are and you should love yourself! Weight should have no effect on loving yourself and caring for yourself.

That said - are you as healthy as you would like to be? Do you enjoy walking and doing activities you couldn't comfortably do before? Then keep on getting healthy! Love your body by feeding it good nutrition and not junk. Give yourself optimal fuel to participate in those activities you enjoy - not crap that makes you feel the same. If she doesn't want to listen, don't go there with her. And please, do NOT let her derail you. Whatever her motive is, it doesn't have your best interest at heart. Keep your best interests in your heart and mind and remember why you are doing this. If she starts in on the counting calories thing, just tell her you are trying to be as healthy as you can and you want to enjoy walking, riding, hiking, etc., whatever it is you want to/like to do. If she keeps harping at you "hating" yourself, tell her you are loving yourself the best possible way by treating your body well and fueling it with good nutrition. If she keeps on, just change the subject. Obviously. Like - "How 'bout them Mets?" Or say somethings we will just have to disagree on, lets talk about (insert subject - kids, party, weather, etc.).

When you are doing those activities you like - remember that feeling and how you felt before you lost weight. How much harder it was huffing and puffing while you walked and you couldn't enjoy the breeze, flowers, blue skies, etc. and how much easier it is not and you can enjoy all that stuff - marvel in the wonderful, unique body you have and all the great things it does for you!

greeneyes82 · May 2010

:grumble: So sad, but she doesn't seem to want you to lose weight. She kind of seems like a negative person & she just wants to hold you back. I would keep working at it if I were you. You will be healthier in the end & happier!:flowerforyou:

AmandaB4588 · May 2010

I think you know the answer to this already.

Your sister in law may feel beautiful, and for that reason every woman envies her. We all want to feel beautiful, right? But feeling beautiful and being healthy are totally different things. Since you were in her situation before, you know that she cannot feel good. At 230 lbs, struggling to catch her breath, she knows it too. The difference between you two is the self esteem, but not in the way you are writing about. The difference is that she doesn't have the self esteem to do what you are doing--- stepping up to the challenge and taking control of your life.

lknorthstar · May 2010

You need to lose weight because of how you feel. If you feel that you need to lose weight and you are not happy with who you are then that is just fine. You don't have a low self esteem just because you feel you need to lose weight. As far as her telling you that you don't need to lose weight you should love yourself the way you are...just tell her that you do love yourself but would be happier loving less of your self! haa haa! Best of luck with your sister in law. Don't be upset but don't think she is right either!! That is just how she feels!

kristelagarcia · May 2010

It sounds like she's trying to get you to stop making good choices for yourself because she feels guilty about the choices she's making and needs support to continue eating the unhealthy way!
Keep strong and just secretly smile knowing you'll be the person you've always wanted to be and she'll still be the one sending pictures to bring people down!

Side note: Its not all about looks, you can be healthy and not be a size 0. Be healthy and your ideal weight will be achieved!

questionablemethods · May 2010

You are doing so great and you need to do what will make you feel healthier and happier in the long run. I'm sorry she is trying to sabotage your progress. Sending that picture just sounds outright blatant and, frankly, kind of pathetic! Also, a little hilarious. I would have texted back with "meh" to let her know that it didn't really affect me (even if it did). Others can only sabotage you if you allow yourself to be sabotaged. Stay strong and she'll soon figure out that you aren't playing around.

LittleSpy · May 2010

Make it more about being healthy than the weight aspect. Eating all that crap all the time is not good for you no matter what you weigh.

Ding ding ding!!!

It's great to love yourself at any size (something I don't do). But... you obviously don't love yourself very much if you're killing yourself by eating so much food that is so horrible for you. The fact that she easily got winded just *walking* proves she's not taking her health into consideration at all. How can you truly love yourself and not care about your health? I think the answer to that question is you can't.

I love food, too. But I've figured out how to continue my love affair while being much much much healthier. It is possible to love and enjoy food and be healthy.

Edit: I think you should text her back a picture of a diseased heart.

msciccone1 · May 2010

Please please please don't think that just because she says you are fine you are. Perhaps you are but you clearly are not happy so you get to where you are happy. Lots of friends, family, etc. sometimes don't want to be the only ones who are big and they don't have the motivation to lose weight so they want to keep others at their level. Who will she feel horrible with after eating junk...no one! And even your brother has said she has gained too much weight so there you go. It doesn't matter if you WANT to stay at the weight you are but it has to be YOUR choice. Lots of people tell me I am fine now that I lost 43.5 lbs. but I am not happy being a size 16 no matter how well my weight is distributed. I want to be at the very least a 160 like I was in high school because I felt on top of the world being a size 7 with curves. This is MY journey to be happy with MYSELF and you should feel that way too. Do NOT let her sabotage you, the nerve of her!!! Keep going and counting calories because I was exercising excessively as of January but not watching my food intake and barely saw results. Now I joined 2 weeks ago and I am amazed at how I will prevent myself from eating certain things just because I don't want to see MFP say that I went over on my count and have lost 6 lbs. in 3 weeks. It holds me accountable and it works. KEEP UP THE GREAT JOB AND WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU :flowerforyou:

bbblue92 · May 2010

Just my two cents and some thoughts I have. Maybe SHE really isn't happy with herself and she wants to have someone to be "fat" with her so she's sabotaging you. As far as her sending pictures of bad foods, knowing that you are really trying to watch what you are eating, is wrong. That's like putting crack in front of a crackhead and telling them they can't have any! I'd be pissed off if someone did that to me knowing how hard I was trying to loose weight. Sounds like she's not being sensitive to your needs. Maybe you can have a serious talk with her and just put it on the line there, tell her nicely that if she's happy with the way she is, that's fine, but you are doing this for you and you would appreciate her support. If she's a true friend, she'll listen and provide whatever support you need (whether that be going on walks or not talking about bad foods and you not talking with her about counting calories). When you loose the weight and if you still don't feel good about yourself, then you can revisit the self-esteem thing. But it's not for her to say. Stay focused girl and if it means distancing yourself from her for a bit, then by all means . . .

On another note, and a true example of being supportive, he knows I am doing this and he's totally supportive of me. When it's his turn to do dinner, he's always asking me what I can have and what I can't have. He goes out of my way to buy the 90 calorie fudge bars for dessert. When we go out to dinner, he tries to find restaurants that he knows I can eat something at. He'll give up the tv for me when I want to do Jillian. He watches our son whenever I need to go for a powerwalk without the stroller. He NEVER sends me photos of philly cheese steaks. He's just there for me. That's what a true friend would do for the other.

Just my two cents . . . good luck!

feeny · May 2010

now take a picture of a healthy meal you would eat and send it back to her lol.

I would be really pissed at her for that if i was you.

thenebean9 · May 2010

i'm just gonna say ditto because everyone else has covered it! Do it for you, tell her she needs to respect where you are, and that you'll respect where she is, and move on. I think she likes to tell you that she feels beautiful the way she is, but i doubt that she really truly believes it, because if she did, she wouldn't be worried about what you're doing. she doesn't want to be left behind. you keep pushing though - you'll feel better about it in the end! don't let her derail you!

thirtyby40 · May 2010

I agree with everyone. One thing I would like to say though in your sister in laws defense is perhaps she doesn't want to hear about your lifestyle change. I don't know about anyone else but when I was unhealthy and overweight I knew I needed to change things but I was not ready to make a real change until last June (I don't know why, I just wasn't). Nothing made me feel worse about myself than people going on about calories and fats, I felt as though that was being directed at me like they were basically saying "hey, you are not good enough, you look like crap...let me tell you what I am doing to improve myself so you can follow suit". This is not what you are saying to your sister in law, but I bet it is what she is hearing.

So no, don't listen to her about you having issues. You are improving your health and no matter what anyone says that is never a bad thing. But do realize she probably feels badly about herself no matter what she says. When she sees your changes and she is ready she will come to you for help and advice, until then if she doesn't ask about your lifestyle changes you should maybe just keep them to yourself. ( I meant that nicely, I know how things get mixed up in cyber land) Best of luck to you and her!!

Johnnyswife · May 2010

Well first of all, you shouldn't let your weight define how happy you are with yourself. You need to learn to be happy no matter where you are in your life. If you want to lose weight and you feel good about doing it, than do NOT allow her attitude to derail you. Allowing someone to mentaly push you around, and cause you to second guess yourself can show low self esteem as well. She may play on that and try to use her opinion to derail you from your goals.

She claims she's happy the way she is. So tell her you respect that and you love her and nothing will change between you. But she needs to return that respect and maybe give you some support as well. Maybe let her know its for health reasons, and your not asking her to join you, but to support you.

I don't think she's as happy as she's claiming she is. Your brother has admitted she's gained too much, and he's tried to talk to her, and she shuts him out. It dosen't mean she forgot about it. She might be scared that he will leave her or that people are trying to change her like she's not good enough anymore.

Showing you pics of food you can't have and talking about it, thats sabatoge.
If she keeps it up, fight fire with fire. She sends you pics of fatty foods, than send her a pic of something healthy. If she refuses to support you, than you may have to make a difficult choice and get rid of your toxic friend. That right there can show self esteem, by beleving in yourself and taking a stand to get yourself healthy.

HalloweenMom · May 2010

My brother actually has told her once or twice and she gets so upset that he just gave up. He plays soccer and stays active, but I've noticed that she also tries to sabotage his health, he feeds him crazy and when he doesn't want to eat she gets upset, she hates the fact that he plays soccer, but in his defense - he's trying to stay healthy because he's had stomach problems. I think I'm seeing things clearer now. It's sad.

swietekelise · May 2010

she doesnt like that your skinner then her and is trying to make you fat with her. DONT BE FAT YOU HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES BECAUSE OF FAT!

Should I be upset or is she right?

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