Hello :)

I have been trying to get him to see my point of view and how hard it will make it for me to stay sober if he brings it back into my home. The home is supposed to be the place you feel most comfortable... For both of us. Unfortunately he is bristling at my reaction to his choice. Last night when I wrote this I was not in the greatest headspace, having just found out that my journey is about to get even harder. I cried hard, surprisingly hard, but not until he fell asleep. The emotions were just so overwhelming and I had to get it all out. I don't think I've cried that hard since my baby brother died. But I did it on my own time, in private, because I was unable to talk or think rationally. I still have a few days before he does it but I don't think I am going to be able to change his mind. His job is one of brutal physical labor and I can understand why he wants the weed. He doesn't have a weight problem like I do, if anything the overeating caused by marijuana use is a good thing for his health as he is quite tall and lean.
So I've spent a good many hours thinking about this and sleeping on this. I looked up NA or AA meetings in my area but I live in a tiny isolated town in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't find any info online. I could ask the local church if there is AA held somewhere but it doesn't feel quite right to me to share this problem with alcoholics in my very small community. I volunteer in the high school working with kids and I have always kept my marijuana use hidden and tried to be an upstanding citizen despite my use. It also seems ludicrous to me that I should have to publicly say I have a pot addiction and I need help. I think it's something I can handle independently until the day comes when my husband is smoking it in front of me and that day is coming soon. I do need help. That is just going to be super hard, and for me the weed is going to ruin a lot if good things if I start smoking it again. That is not the case for my husband, the only bad side effect he is going to have is me being upset by it, and he knows that wont last long because I will just give in and smoke it with him.
Unless I don't. There's no question that I am not ready for that kind of temptation. Whether I ready for it or not, it's coming. Wouldn't it be wonderful if it didn't bother me? If I could just keep doing what I'm doing regardless of what others do, even if the other in question is my significant other? I can't control him and even trying to will only cause tension. But perhaps if I remain calm and explain to him how much it means to me to stay sober and how tempting I will find it when he is not, we can reach a compromise where he doesn't do it right in front of me, like maybe he goes outside or in the guest bedroom or something.

The thing is, I have been driving myself really hard with the diet and exercise, and it's working. I find waking up in the morning and being ever so slightly smaller every day to be incredibly satisfying, and it sure feels better than having a food hangover. I just have all these years of maintaining a strong habit of smoking weed and eating everything in the house. If you don't know, smoking weed gives you the munches and while some people seem to be able to combat this side effect I am not one of them. It also makes you unaccountable and lazy so keeping a food diary is impossible and so is serious exercise because it affects your energy level. At the same time it's not a "hard" drug it's a relatively harmless plant and beneficial for a lot of people. I am not one of them, not at this time in my life. I know what it's like to be high, I've done it plenty, so now I need to completely eradicate whatever it is in my brain that's causing panic and the thought of watching him do it and not being able to partake.

Losing weight is hard work. It takes willpower. Food is still delicious and my body is quite used to eating lots of sugar and fat wether I'm on drugs or not. I've been using all my willpower to follow a whole foods diet. Now circumstances require that I find even more willpower, a lot more, to not smoke pot even though I will have access to it and might see it and smell it. All the panic and tears and anger and feelings of betrayal - those are all things that I own. He is not doing that to me, I'm doing it to myself. All he's doing is smoking a few bowls, and where he is at in his life right now that may very well be the correct choice for him and I am wrong if I try to control him. I probably can control my REACTION to his use and I can control myself somehow when I see him using. I'm not sure how yet but I know I don't want to be that person mindlessly shoving food in the face hole and ignoring my emotions and wasting my money and missing opportunities.

Thanks for reading this incredibly long post, for whatever reason my MFP is going to be a place where I document this struggle because smoking weed is the reason I am carrying extra fat on my body and I want to get in shape physically and mentally mo than anything. More than I want a hit off my husband's joint even. Supposedly. Sigh....