money squabbles with spouse

Options
2

Replies

  • AmandaLY17
    AmandaLY17 Posts: 184 Member
    Options
    We have joint accounts and use a cash budget. All monies that are not paid through my bank account are withdrawn (ie grocery budget, entertainment, clothing, blah blah blah) and put into envelopes. We spend our budget money from that. One of our catagories is money for me and money for him. At the begining of the pay period we get our money and choose to do with it whatever we wish (save it, spend it, give it away w.h.y). If we both go out for dinner together (or other activity) it comes from the entertainment budget though.
  • angievaughn
    angievaughn Posts: 655 Member
    Options
    Those of you that have seperate bank accounts, do you have children? Who is responsible to that? We have a joint account and most of the money I spend is on our girls and what they need. He eats out at lunch, I don't. I pay all the bills, food shop and clothes shop for everyone. We don't fight about money however, I am in charge of most of it. He does make more. Just wondering.
  • tabinmaine
    tabinmaine Posts: 965 Member
    Options
    We have separate accounts but both connected through online banking. We make very comparable salaries. We take the bills owed that pay period and split them down the middle. We split groceries and pellets and anything for the kids. We transfer "half" back and forth all month long between our two accounts when one of us goes out and gets something like I mentioned above.

    We each pay our own vehicle payments. We split our insurance since it's tied in with our house insurance.

    Whatever we have left in our accounts we spend any way we like. If he wants a new rifle or I want a new hair straightener we don't consult one another.

    When it comes to big purchases for the house , such as furniture, cruises, or a snowmobile....we discuss it and split it . He wanted a new camper last year, I said if you can afford the payment go out and get it.... so he did, I never make that payment, I put it in the category of our vehicle payments.....
  • considermac
    considermac Posts: 59
    Options
    I had a similar situation. I just got a separate account and told her about. Set up my paycheck to go into my new account. I gave her access to my personal account. I told her we have to try this or things will continue to get worse. Its much better now. Much much better.

    Good luck :smile:

    Edit for grammer :)
  • MyPsalm63
    MyPsalm63 Posts: 303
    Options
    I second Dave Ramsey.....He is Wonderful
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,837 Member
    Options
    To me, part of marriage is common goals...and a lot fo give and take. Honestly, we've had very few arguements about money in the last 16 years. Everything else though....gah.
  • MrsPong
    MrsPong Posts: 580 Member
    Options
    When hubby and I first got married we always faught about our budget and how much he would spend. (married 4 yrs now...)
    I've let go a little and buy more of food (which he wanted...) and usually we will do an "allowance" so he can spend whatever he likes on random stuff. Depending on budget its usually like 50 bucks every 2 weeks or so. I use my "allowance" on tanning for my 1st two weeks and then I get my nails done the 2nd 2 weeks. So he will take out money to do whatever with.

    Sometimes it can ease the tension of what exactly each of you are spending money on, also it will make you aware of how much your spending and can stop unnessary spending....because when your done with your money then your done.
    Good luck
  • brian90
    brian90 Posts: 285 Member
    Options
    I have a joint account. I track everything. i know where the money is going. My wife will usually ask me if she can get so and so and we jsut work it out. I have not had a problem. Its all about communication.
  • Jaulen
    Jaulen Posts: 468 Member
    Options
    We do like some other posters have said....

    We have a joint account, portions of each of our paychecks go into the household joint account to cover household bills. We have it set up to auto pay our bills.

    Our personal account are for us to spend as we want.
    We trade off if we go out to eat, or do something as a family who pays for what, and we don't keep tabs on who spent how much from their personal account to go to the movies, the museum, or out to eat....it all washes out in the long term.

    I might eye roll at some of hubs' purchases, and he probably has at mine too.



    If you go allowance route, I'd suugest doing it as seperate accounts like you get a certain $ deposited into an account from you to spend from, or a card that draws from the joint account with a pre-planned spending limit. My dad is a horrible money manager, if he had his way he'd drain the joint account and go play poker or on a boat or something.....Mom had to finally take him off withdrawl access from the joint account and set him up with a pre-paid card for the month. Sometimes he's blown his 'fun' spending in the first week after getting it.....and no matter how much he *****es and moans, mom doesn't give him more $ to spend.
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
    Options
    This is why I don't have a joint account with my spouse, we would kill eachother.

    me either. we pay our own bills (phone, student loan, credit card) and then we deligate the rest. I pay for groceries, gas in my own vehicle, sports (we have a 10 year old), the child's clothes and hot dates if I'm the one that plans them. He pays vehicles, mortgage, utilities, his truck and all the insurance. The rest if his money is up to him. If i need a couple of bucks, I ask. He makes twice as much as I do, and he considers it a "collective" but no way am I joining our bank accounts.
  • dnhardy
    dnhardy Posts: 59
    Options
    My wife and I pool all income.
    I make 3x what she does.

    Every dollar I earn is hers and every dollar she earns is mine...because we're married.

    As far as spending is concerned. We have a long standing rule that either of us can spend up to $100 without consulting the other. More than that and it requires a conversation on priorities. If I were to become unsympathetic to her priorities, I'm pretty sure she would become that way with mine. Since we love each other and want each other to have the sensible things we want, we've yet (18 years) to have a serious disagreement over money.

    Cosign. My future husband is an attorney and I will be a stay at home mom soon.. so he obviously makes more than me. We have the $100 rule and we respect each other. I don't agree with every single thing he spends our money on. But we at least talk about it. We both want each other to be happy is the main thing
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
    Options
    Those of you that have seperate bank accounts, do you have children? Who is responsible to that? We have a joint account and most of the money I spend is on our girls and what they need. He eats out at lunch, I don't. I pay all the bills, food shop and clothes shop for everyone. We don't fight about money however, I am in charge of most of it. He does make more. Just wondering.

    I pay for most of the things for our child. My fiance pays for games, hot lunches at school, haircuts, toys and frivolities. I pay for clothes, sports and sports equipment, favorite food, and toiletries
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Options
    My dad is a horrible money manager, if he had his way he'd drain the joint account and go play poker or on a boat or something.....Mom had to finally take him off withdrawl access from the joint account and set him up with a pre-paid card for the month. Sometimes he's blown his 'fun' spending in the first week after getting it.....and no matter how much he *****es and moans, mom doesn't give him more $ to spend.

    Yikes. This is sounds more like a mother/son dynamic, which is just as bad as a man controlling all access to wife's spending even though she works -- which we'd call "misogyny".

    Ideally, you find a way how to make budgeting a team effort, so that the other person has a SAY, rather than one person "winning" via force. Especially if they contribute in some way via cash, or taking care of kids (just because it's not income doesn't mean it's not valued).

    I think the separate accounts method can work if 1) you both make a similar income and 2) you're both naturally good with money. But that's a big if. If a person is staying home watching the kids, then they are working, and you can't just tell them to screw off and have no spending money. Similarly, if one person is bad with money, then they can drain their account on stupid stuff, leaving the more responsible person to pay the bills. Bad idea...

    Personally, as family, I prefer we have shared goals, and shared account. After a year of doing Dave's FPU all our non-house debt is gone, and we have a few thousand left over every month to put into stuff we both agree on. It's the only way, IMO, to manage a family of 5 on a single income, in an expensive COL area (Boston).
  • dsimmons107
    dsimmons107 Posts: 387 Member
    Options
    This is a very complicated topic for so many reasons.
    1. The relationship between the two partners and their skill level with managing money.
    2. Your financial goals and your ability to fund those goals.
    3. The structure of your finances for current and future needs and possibilities.

    I have been married for 24 years and my wife is an accountant. I at one time was a financial advisor. We have a number of accounts and all of them are joint. It is just smart in case something happens to one of us. The other has full access and no hassle in case of death or other emergency. Joint with rights of survivor ship is the best way to set them up. Second I manage certain accounts and she manages certain accounts. We have budgets for each account and a purpose for each account. The accounts I manage I make an effort to be efficient and I get rewarded for the effort by have extra that I can spend any way I want and vice versa. If she goes short on the budgets for the accounts she manages that means she nothing extra to spend and vice versa for me. One bank account is set up for household expenses for example. Another is set up to pay for any debt that we decide to take on. That is usually only car or house. We carry no other debt. Everything else is cash and carry. We have short and long term goals and accounts for each goal. We both make good money so the only time we argue about money is usually on the estimated taxes I should be paying. I like to pay the least I can and she thinks I should pay more. I say it does not matter as long as all of the taxes get paid at the end of the year.
    We have an emergency fund that no one touches unless there is a true emergency. You get the point. I don't care how she spends the money for the accounts she manages as long as it does not require me to fund a budget shortfall because she did not manage her budget correctly. That pisses me off and it does happen and if it is not something is required for both of us we just go without. I know it is a very complicated process but we are never broke and our bills get paid and we rarely do without things we want or need. Yea and we have two very expensive kids. Both are in college.
  • IamNhappy
    IamNhappy Posts: 88 Member
    Options
    3 of our bank accounts are joint & we each have a seperate account. which has the money we can do whatever we choose to do with (5% of our income). I'm only a RN and he is in neuro so I don't make as half as much as he does. Most of our money goes on the kids anyways
  • HappyNinjaStar
    HappyNinjaStar Posts: 353 Member
    Options
    I recently implemented an allowance for my husband, as he has a serious spending problem. I take care of the finances, but we had the joint checking account, and if he saw money was 'available' he would often spend it without thinking it might be for a bill.

    Needless to say, money has been an issue for us for a few years, and I got so angry with him on so many occasions for what I considered frivolous personal spending when I never spent anything on myself because there was never extra money in the budget after my husband spent whatever he felt like.

    So starting at the first of this year, I opened a checking account that was only in his name, he gets a certain amount of money transferred to it every week from our joint checking account. He gave me the debit card for the joint checking account, so he doesn't spend any of the money from that account. It is his responsibility to manage his allowance, and he can spend or save at his discretion. All purchases that involve only him are to come only from that account.

    So far it has worked out really well. He's happy with it, and I'm happy with it. In fact I'm thrilled, because now I have a non-varying amount that I can account for each month in my budget. Something similar might work well for you and your husband.
  • sjmitchner
    sjmitchner Posts: 121 Member
    Options
    We have a joint account and rarely fight. We both put bills and needs before anything fun. We occasionally disagree, but things got much better after my hubby admitted he shops and buys things to make himself feel better. We went through a big purge of stuff/junk from our house and lives. Now we don't have that issue any more. He likes that the house isn't cluttered with things we never use. We always call and talk to each other before making a purchase if it isn't a necessity. We also put at least 10% into savings from our checks. Not much but it helps when things get tight or something needs to be repaired. I think it's about perspective. The money we make isn't "his" or "mine" it's "ours" just like "our house" or "our truck" We fight about money sometimes but not often at all.
  • MelSabourin
    MelSabourin Posts: 68 Member
    Options
    Those of you that have seperate bank accounts, do you have children? Who is responsible to that?

    Our daughter will be 19 in March. She has always played sports, and played competitively so it was pretty expensive once you factor in "equipment", clothing/tracksuits, etc through the club or schools, and trips/tournament fees. My husband always paid all the sports related fees, and I basically covered everything else (hair, nails, clothes, entertainment $, etc).

    Every year we go on an all-inclusive vacation. We each pay our own, and split our daughter's cost. Weird - I know. But it works:)
  • Athena53
    Athena53 Posts: 717 Member
    Options
    I’ve been through this on another Board I’m on that deals with personal finance and the bottom line is that spouses should be on the same page when it comes to the big things (% saved, donating to charity, big splurges such as vacations). Beyond that, it doesn’t matter whether you have separate accounts or joint accounts. But, here’s my story.

    Ex-husband: absolute basket case, spent all he made and then maxed out his credit cards. Mortgage was in joint names, everything else separate. It still wasn’t a good model: guess who had to wave her magic wand and come up with $$$ if the house needed a new roof, or the water heater died, because he had nothing but a pile of credit card bills. Of course I had the money because I had avoided spending on some things I really wanted, such as travel, so that I could pay the bills and have money for emergencies and my retirement.

    Current husband: a dear man whose main income is SS (he’s 74) with a little from freelance work. Very simple tastes except that he and I LOVE interesting travel. We also have separate accounts, mostly because I’m a control freak about finances. Every month he writes me a check for whatever he has left and I invest it. I don’t care what he spends the rest of it on and I never ask. He’s an adult. My only other splurges beyond travel are jewelry and tailor-made clothes. He knows that if I come home with something new I’ve figured out how to pay for it without defaulting on the mortgage or raiding the retirement funds, and he’s always happy to see me buy something I like. Life is good.

    We’re looking into doing a Dave Ramsey course at our church and I may be the facilitator; I’ve heard it’s very good for getting husbands and wives on the same page financially.
  • cbwilliams2004
    cbwilliams2004 Posts: 24 Member
    Options
    Sign up for Dave Ramsey's FPU class, and go to every session. Best $100 I ever spent.

    Seriously, just go. Now.

    If you hate it, I will personally send you a check for $200.

    ^^^ THIS!!! Absolutely right. My wife and I had constant arguments about money until reading Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. Now, the last week of the month we sit down and write out next month's budget. We each have an agreed upon amount of 'Free Money' to do whatever we want like lunches, football pools, etc.
    I'm reading a lot of people talk about separate accounts. I know that's all the rage right now but here's the cheese: Intamacy extends beyond the bedroom! Intamacy is 'oneness'. You and your spouse should be 'one' in everything you do. Money, disciplining the kids, goals for your family, etc.
    Go through a Dave Ramsey class or book. Put it in action. You two will probably argue even more in the beginning. That's okay. As long as you both are in it with common goals (i.e. what's best for the other person and your family as a whole) you will get through it. And when you do, you will most likely find yourselves even closer than before! :-) Good luck and God bless.

Categories