Vicious circle I call life

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  • tanyakay87
    tanyakay87 Posts: 223 Member
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    I may have this entirely wrong, and in which case, I do apologise...

    But I don't think she meant that the ring will solve everything, I think she was just trying to make a point that he hasn't committed to her yet, even after 11 years of being together and 3 kids.
  • zenchild
    zenchild Posts: 680 Member
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    First, does he know you're unhappy? He may have no idea and would make an effort to change if he did.
    For the kids' sake, get to a counselor, both individually and as a couple. See if things improve. If they do, give it some time to make sure the improvement sticks. If it does, then consider marriage.
    If it doesn't improve, and stay improved, DON'T GET MARRIED. If you do get married, and in 5 years you're still miserable and supporting him and you decide to divorce, you may owe him alimony. Seriously. Right now, if you leave, you owe him nothing. And he will have to get a job to support himself and will be required to give you some of his earnings as child support.
    So, you can:
    1. Do nothing and be miserable and teach your kids that it's completely acceptable to be a freeloader or to be miserable.
    2. Go to counseling and improve your relationship and show your kids what a healthy relationship looks like.
    3. Go to counseling and leave anyway. Show your kids that you are responsible for your own happiness and you have a right to seek it.
    Best of luck to you.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    It's not that i Think a piece of jewelry will fix anything. I could care less if we were married. I thought that would be obvious since we've been together for 11 years. I was just stating another one of his issues. It's not that I'm bored with the everyday life of a couple. It's that he doesn't want to do anything else, ever. He's got these issues that he thinks everyone dislikes him or is out to get him. So he doesn't like going around people. I'm not sure if he's just embarrassed about the age difference, but it's a tad late for that anyway. We never go anywhere as a couple. Ever. Ever. We never have date nights at home even though I have tried so many times. I don't know how to know if I'm still in love. I know I am scared of the unknown. And terrified of raising three boys on my own. I've never been on my own. I went from living with my parents to pregnant and living with him. How do I know if I'm still in love. Or if I even ever was???
    I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?

    If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,843 Member
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    Breaking up a home with kids will not make it easier. It will bring in a whole new level of complication. For the sake of your children, please get some counseling. It is vital that you learn to re-connect if you're ever going to make a life for your children to model their own lives after. Please don't walk away without trying... your children deserve to have their mom and their dad all the time... not 50/50. I say this as a step-mom. Please. Try to fix it. You can't necessarily change him, but you can change you. Talk to him. Be bold. Ask him what he would like to see change... and consider what he says.

    Edited because I sounded like a jerk. Sorry.

    Sorry but breaking up a home with kids is sometimes the best option. I know too many people who stay together "for the sake of the children" and believe me if they would just end things and go their separate ways it would be a whole lot better. Living in a house where the parents don't communicate, don't like each other, fight all the time etc. etc is NO environment for children and it will only make them resent their parents for not splitting up at some point. Sometimes relationships just don't work out period no matter what one does to try and "salvage" it. It's a fact of life.

    To the OP: This is not a dress rehearsal. You will NEVER get a second shot around at making things right or being happy. You have to do what's right for you. If you're afraid that this will be your life forever and you're miserable and unhappy then get out. Find someone who can make you happy and treat you right. Regardless of what some people might say it's NOT good for your children to be in a home like that. You need to sit down and just figure out what you want and whether or not you feel he's going to give it to you. If he's not "the one" so to speak then I think you know what your answer is. Yes, it's scary thinking about leaving and starting over but do you really want to be miserable your entire life? You're young yet and you have things that you want to do.

    You really need to do some deep soul searching and figure out what's right for you and then do it regardless of what others might think or say about your choice because no one is living your life but you.

    Good luck.:heart:
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    I would never, ever abandon my kids. Ever. And it saddens me to thnk I may have to take them away from their father. At least half the time.
    I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?

    If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.

    or the one of you... seriously you don't need him to change for you to change your life. If he's doing nothing anyway leave the kids with him and go. do. something....
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    This
    I may have this entirely wrong, and in which case, I do apologise...

    But I don't think she meant that the ring will solve everything, I think she was just trying to make a point that he hasn't committed to her yet, even after 11 years of being together and 3 kids.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,688 Member
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    SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION quote:

    Get busy living, or get busy dying.

    A choice is going to be made.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • sedwards9999
    sedwards9999 Posts: 160 Member
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    My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.
    My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    I'm not even sure what I'm looking to get from this post. I was upset last night and felt totally alone even though he was sitting two feet from me. He was watching some stupid movie on his ipad with his earbuds in and when I asked him to pause it because I wanted to talk, he told me to wait until it was over. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.
    I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.
    My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.
  • __stacyb
    __stacyb Posts: 306
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    Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.

    my same thoughts^^
  • Manda86
    Manda86 Posts: 1,859 Member
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    I'm not even sure what I'm looking to get from this post. I was upset last night and felt totally alone even though he was sitting two feet from me. He was watching some stupid movie on his ipad with his earbuds in and when I asked him to pause it because I wanted to talk, he told me to wait until it was over. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.
    I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.
    My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.

    My two bits is that you need to start doing something for yourself. School, job that you're interested in, hobby, something that is going to get you connected with other people and feeling better about yourself. If he comes along for the ride, great, if not, maybe start thinking about your future in a different light. Best of luck.
  • sillygoosie
    sillygoosie Posts: 1,109 Member
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    I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.

    If you were actually married, what would be different?

    My suggestion would be to start doing what you want to in life and if he wants to participate he will. If not, well then you may be on your own. Speaking from experience, being on your own isn't so bad when compared to living with an apathetic person.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    Getting married wouldn't change anything. That's not what I was saying. I was pointing out that he has told me many times since the day I found out I was pregnant the first time, 9 years ago, that we need to get married soon. He has yet to commit to that promise.
    I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.

    If you were actually married, what would be different?

    My suggestion would be to start doing what you want to in life and if he wants to participate he will. If not, well then you may be on your own. Speaking from experience, being on your own isn't so bad when compared to living with an apathetic person.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    You know what? I was sad and upset when I originally posted this. I know I'm in a pretty screwed up situation and I know there is nothing any of you can do to change that. I know there is a lot that needs to be said between the two of us and the sooner the better. I need to do some major soul searching and sort things out in my head. I appreciate the replies I've gotten and thank you for the well wishes. I hope we can work this out not only for our kids but to prove tha the last 11 years of our lives hasn't been lost.
  • SeaRunner26
    SeaRunner26 Posts: 5,143 Member
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    I'm jumping in the middle of the conversation, so please forgive me if I'm repeating others.

    If there isn't any abuse going on and there is even the slightest possibility that you can work things out with your boyfriend, do it. Especially with three shared children, it's your primary responsibility to make things work. That may mean outside help like a therapist or pastor. Relationships are not always easy, in fact they're often difficult. But as the old saying goes, you only get out what you put in.

    Best of luck to you.

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