Obese Friends Alienating Me
Since I stared my weight loss journey I have come to the half way point of 58 lost/58 to go.
One of the things I needed to get off my chest was: Obese people who have changed their attitude towards me since I have lost weight.
I used to inspire these girls, because I wasn't afraid to be who I was even if it meant being 240 in a bikini at the beach. Well I decided to lose weight, and since then I have stopped having these friends. And its not because of anything I did, or at least I don't believe it was anything I said.
An example of what I am dealing with:
I was having a talk with a friend about nutrition and proper BMI, you know, an intelligent conversation about weight loss and how the body works. I tell her that morbidly obese people are at greater risk of being unhealthy and develop stuff like diabetes. She took it out of context (and maybe because she is morbidly obese, which I never mentioned at all), she thought I was attacking her. She then told me "I can't believe you are turning into one of those people, just because you lost weight doesn't mean you have a right to go around snooping in peoples lives, or say I am going to get diabetes. There's no proof that being overweight is dangerous to your health." and stopped talking to me. When did I ever say to someone I considered a friend that she was going to get diabetes? I never would, that would be kinda of mean.
Another example:
My brother in laws girlfriend is extremely morbidly obese, and the first time I met her, we were all talking and hanging out, having beers, and my brother in law asked how I lost weight, esp being able to drink on occasion. I told them all, and I look at his girlfriend and all I catch is her rolling her eyes and turning her head. WHY? I never said anything about her, I didn't even talk nutrition. I said, " I eat better, eat a lot less then I used to and I get regular exercise. I dont need a gym, and I am doing it slowly, I want permanent results." Later that visit I overhear them talking in the kitchen, saying I am probably doing coke! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
Exmaple 3:
My ex friend calls me a liar and a drug addict because we went to lunch and I ate a giant plate and had a regular drink. She said there was no way I lost weight by eating like that and accused me of being on drugs, I tell her no, and explain how I did it, and then she accuses me of being bulimic and a drug addict. Needless to say I haven't talked to her since.
ONE THING: You don't have to be on drugs to lose weight, where are these people getting this?
Why are these overweight people being so mean to me just because I lost weight? Need I remind you I am still overweight myself, just a lot smaller then I used to be! I am the same person, I say the same things, I have the same interests. What is the point? I noticed when I talk to others like me who have lost weight, they experience the same thing.
Anyone else lose their fat" friends" when they lost the fat?
One of the things I needed to get off my chest was: Obese people who have changed their attitude towards me since I have lost weight.
I used to inspire these girls, because I wasn't afraid to be who I was even if it meant being 240 in a bikini at the beach. Well I decided to lose weight, and since then I have stopped having these friends. And its not because of anything I did, or at least I don't believe it was anything I said.
An example of what I am dealing with:
I was having a talk with a friend about nutrition and proper BMI, you know, an intelligent conversation about weight loss and how the body works. I tell her that morbidly obese people are at greater risk of being unhealthy and develop stuff like diabetes. She took it out of context (and maybe because she is morbidly obese, which I never mentioned at all), she thought I was attacking her. She then told me "I can't believe you are turning into one of those people, just because you lost weight doesn't mean you have a right to go around snooping in peoples lives, or say I am going to get diabetes. There's no proof that being overweight is dangerous to your health." and stopped talking to me. When did I ever say to someone I considered a friend that she was going to get diabetes? I never would, that would be kinda of mean.
Another example:
My brother in laws girlfriend is extremely morbidly obese, and the first time I met her, we were all talking and hanging out, having beers, and my brother in law asked how I lost weight, esp being able to drink on occasion. I told them all, and I look at his girlfriend and all I catch is her rolling her eyes and turning her head. WHY? I never said anything about her, I didn't even talk nutrition. I said, " I eat better, eat a lot less then I used to and I get regular exercise. I dont need a gym, and I am doing it slowly, I want permanent results." Later that visit I overhear them talking in the kitchen, saying I am probably doing coke! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
Exmaple 3:
My ex friend calls me a liar and a drug addict because we went to lunch and I ate a giant plate and had a regular drink. She said there was no way I lost weight by eating like that and accused me of being on drugs, I tell her no, and explain how I did it, and then she accuses me of being bulimic and a drug addict. Needless to say I haven't talked to her since.
ONE THING: You don't have to be on drugs to lose weight, where are these people getting this?
Why are these overweight people being so mean to me just because I lost weight? Need I remind you I am still overweight myself, just a lot smaller then I used to be! I am the same person, I say the same things, I have the same interests. What is the point? I noticed when I talk to others like me who have lost weight, they experience the same thing.
Anyone else lose their fat" friends" when they lost the fat?
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Replies
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They're intimidated by your awesomeness.0
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They're intimidated by your awesomeness.
/thread0 -
People in your life come and go - your health is forever. You'll find new friends who like to take walks, hike, kayak, swim, whatever your new interests are.
Their loss.0 -
They're intimidated by your awesomeness.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I can't count the times things like what you've been talking about have happened to me. It's time to move on from those you can. It's hard and painful to lose these people sometimes but you need to do it for your physical and mental health.0 -
They're intimidated by your awesomeness.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I can't count the times things like what you've been talking about have happened to me. It's time to move on from those you can. It's hard and painful to lose these people sometimes but you need to do it for your physical and mental health.
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Immature-- jealous... you name it, and definitely intimidated... they probably think that they cannot do it, andso resent you for being able to do so (or perhaps you make them resent themselves since they feel, erroneously, that they cannot accomplish what you have). I guess it is time for new friends who can celebrate your accomplishments and lifestyle-- instead of undermining you-- drug use-- come on!0
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I might be able to offer some input on this...and maybe you had the same feelings as a bigger girl, or maybe you didn't. If you didn't...you're lucky.
I'm a big girl obviously..and I've just begun my weight loss journey. But before I started....any talk about losing weight/exercise would make me feel extremely uncomfortable/ashamed/sad on the inside. Especially when thin girls talked about needing to lose a few pounds/go to the gym.
That is an issue with one's self, and you did nothing to affect it intentionally...but it does hurt the person to be reminded that they are over weight. Even though I am steadily losing weight right now, and feel great that I've been eating healthier/going to the gym, I still look in the mirror and think, " What do you have to be happy for. You're still a fatass."
So to see that someone who was about as big as they were...now put forth so much effort and lose weight...it probably makes them feel worse that they aren't putting forth the same effort, or perhaps they're happy/fine with their image and they don't want to be 'preached to', not that I'm saying you're preaching. Anyways, that's my opinion. 0 -
They feel threatened, especially your brothers g/f
She thinks that if you do it, your brother will expect her to do it.
Just be YOU, hell with them, be the person YOU want to be!0 -
You need a better class of friends, obese or not.0
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because people want to hear about how hard it is to lose weight. they want to have the excuse that they have to sacrifice kittens to satan and eat grapefruit for 6 months straight and run a marathon once a week.
you showing them that all it takes is consistency, patience and time leave them no excuses.
with that said, it's also possible that you might be coming off as preachy without meaning to be.0 -
Sadly, I've experienced the same thing, some with women who have been my friends since junior high. Something nobody mentions is that when you lose weight, sometimes you lose friends, as well. It hurts, but I'm happier where I am now than I ever was when I was bigger.0
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Oh yes, I remember these same kind of comments when I lost weight.
I think people seeing those close to them losing weight makes them very insecure. When everyone in your "circle" is obese, then everyone feels equal. When one person decides to get healthy, I think it makes their unhealthy choices much more obvious.
I don't speak to any of the friends I had when I was overweight, sad.. but it was necessary. I wasn't going to listen to their criticisms, belittling or whatever. I would rather cut the ties - they are unhappy.0 -
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^I might be able to offer some input on this...and maybe you had the same feelings as a bigger girl, or maybe you didn't. If you didn't...you're lucky.
I'm a big girl obviously..and I've just begun my weight loss journey. But before I started....any talk about losing weight/exercise would make me feel extremely uncomfortable/ashamed/sad on the inside. Especially when thin girls talked about needing to lose a few pounds/go to the gym.
That is an issue with one's self, and you did nothing to affect it intentionally...but it does hurt the person to be reminded that they are over weight. Even though I am steadily losing weight right now, and feel great that I've been eating healthier/going to the gym, I still look in the mirror and think, " What do you have to be happy for. You're still a fatass."
So to see that someone who was about as big as they were...now put forth so much effort and lose weight...it probably makes them feel worse that they aren't putting forth the same effort, or perhaps they're happy/fine with their image and they don't want to be 'preached to', not that I'm saying you're preaching. Anyways, that's my opinion.0 -
Jealousy. They see you doing what they believe they can't do. In the same way girls have been mean to them, they will be mean to you because they heat themselves. ****'em. Make new friends at the gym.0
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Well done on your success!:happy:
But.
If you are going to talk fat around fat people be prepared to tread on a few toes! No one ever as the right or need to call you a druggie!
But.
Try to see it from their point of view. They are, like you were, stuck in their fat selves not motivated to do anything about it as they see it. You know the story! You've been there! Stood in their shoes! Try to be more sensitive around them and eventually they might get used to the healthy successful you- but equally they might not. :ohwell:0 -
It's not about you, it's about them. Their fears, frustrations, and insecurities. Their feeling of helplessness being confronted by the reality of someone who has taken control of her life. Don't fret about it, just keep being an example of awesomeness.0
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Unfortunately, that's human nature. Those who aren't as good as you in certain areas do not want you to be more successful than they are. This happens everywhere--academics, research, in the work place, among friends, and when it comes to weight loss. I struggle with this in my classes sometimes so I just block everyone out and only talk to those who I trust. They are mad that you all of a sudden look better than they do and are bitter that you actually took an initiative towards your health. If they don't want you to be successful, don't talk to them anymore. Surround yourself among those who will lift you up, encourage you, and ultimately make you a better person both physically and mentally. Get rid of any negative influences in your life and choose your friends carefully. There are plenty of fish in the sea, don't worry about these bitter ones who are trying to drag you down and discourage you from succeeding.0
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Weight is an extremely touchy subject. You are obviously excited about your progress and proud of your acchievement (and so you should be). You have probably met some overweight girls with low body image, and most likely avoiding thinking about their health and the daunting task of loosing a lot of weight. To them you are a threat. You are telling the world that it is possible to live a normal, sociable life and lose weight.
Be proud of your weightloss and try not to take these jibes personally. People tiptoe around the weight issue. The fact is carrying weight is a health risk. I personally dont offer any advice about weightloss unless someone specifically asks me. If they compliment me i say thanks but dont follow up with much of an explanation as to how i did it. I they ask me in a flippant way i give a quick short answer.
I have really strong opinions about diet in terms of food additives, chemicals etc and have learned that lots of people dont care and dont want to know . They want the sugar filled quick fix rather than stick to healthy whole foods!!!!
Good luck and congratulations0 -
People in your life come and go - your health is forever. You'll find new friends who like to take walks, hike, kayak, swim, whatever your new interests are.
Their loss.
Yes please do! Find those who are climbing towards success and will bring you with them. Not drag you down.0 -
I agree with what everyone else has said. They are ashamed and embarrassed of themselves and what they've become and you have surpassed them in taking your life and health back. Any mention of your weight loss to them is a reflection of their inabilities. They may even feel as if people look at them as being lazy or pigs. I know I used to feel that way when someone close to me would come right out and say hey know what I did to lose weight? I never asked them and quite honestly didn't notice that they lost weight but I felt as if they were looking at me and judging me. Which was possible since this person is very judgmental of others. My response was always wow good for you. My husband always felt that he had to defend me and would say well that's great for you but you don't have the medical issues my wife has and your approach hasn't helped my wife. I would always keep it inside but it did hurt. When I'm asked how much weight I've lost or how I lost it I keep it short and to the point and never ever bring up how unhealthy such and such a weight would be. Especially if that person asking is over weight. I keep the conversation to everything in moderation and get moving more. It's really hard to not offend someone with your accomplishments if they're self conscious or have low self-esteem. I have one friend who is morbidly obese and disabled. It doesn't bother her that I've lost weight and she always wants to hear about what I"m doing now to keep it going. She asks so I tell her. She wouldn't keep asking me if it bothered her.0
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First of all, congrats on all your success!! I'm about halfway on my weight loss journey and I've already noticed some of the same things among my "fat" friends. I think it's because eating used to be such a big part of our time together... we'd sit and watch movies and eat pizza and fast food... and we had fun! But now that I'm eating better, I think they feel like I'm judging them (which I'm NOT) when I make better food choices and they aren't. It does feel just a little bit awkward going clothes shopping with them now that I can wear smaller sizes... I hope that whatever it was that clicked in my head can click in theirs too.
I think like others said that they're insecure with their own bodies and they take out those fears and insecurities on someone who has gotten through them.0 -
Misery loves company.
Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.0 -
I totally feel you. I'm still obese, technically, but my weight loss has shifted the attitude of a lot of people I know. I have both sides of the spectrum because people that normally wouldn't give me the time of day are all the sudden talking to me and taking me seriously. It's like....did I not matter when I was heavier? I was still a person then, too.
As far as those examples you gave, I'm sorry it has come to that. But, take this into account (does NOT mean this is true but....just a theory...). I had the same thing happen years ago when I first lost my weight and, sadly, what it was is that the friends wanted to have heavier friends around them as a "confort" instead of a friend to make them feel better about themselves when they couldn't feel good about themselves alone. Misery loves company mentality...
I agree with what was stated earlier. They are jealous of your awesomeness, are coming to the realization that they don't have someone to lean on to let them know their lifestyle is ok, and the ones that don't believe you did it are clearly ignorant and one-sided in their opinions. You say you haven't talked to them since? Good riddance. :drinker: count your blessing!!0 -
People in your life come and go - your health is forever. You'll find new friends who like to take walks, hike, kayak, swim, whatever your new interests are.
Their loss.
I agree with this. you are important and you will find new friends that will be there for you.0 -
Misery loves company.
Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.
great minds think alike! I just posted almost the same thing!0 -
This happens no matter what the change is you make in your life. Sometimes it is weight, and friends who identified you and felt comfortable with you while you were heavy will not feel the same way when you change. In other instances, it could be like an alcoholic who starts going to AA and changing his life. That person's drinking buddies won't be there for him anymore. Or a drug addict who cleans up his act. His drug addict friends won't be his friends anymore. Or someone who decides to go back to college, same thing, new life means some friends will resent your change or you will no longer have anything in common.
It's very sad, particularly when we become attached and grow to love these people. But your changes, while healthy, are a glaring reflection of what they feel is their own inadequacies. Not all your friends will feel this way, but some will. I lost many friends over the years for life changes. You will miss them, but you'll make new friends. And you will keep the ones who like you for you, and not a number on the scale.0 -
Sounds like there's a few things going on
1. You're excited about your changes - GOOD FOR YOU!
2. Your friends may be jealous - Normal
3. A lot of misinformation about diet. exercise, etc, - sadly, normal. (I get this one a lot)
4. Careful who you discuss your change with and around - sucks
It's just like giving up cigarettes. Suddenly a new non-smoker feels amazing and starts talking about their success and realizing that anyone can do it. Meanwhile the smoker thinks that person is being preachy, forgetting where they came from, etc.
I use smoking because I saw both sides first hand when my Aunt/Uncle gave up smoking and would seem to lecture my parents. When my parents finally did quit, they were careful not to mention anything besides "Nah, man, don't smoke anymore" to their smoking friends. And they're all still friends.
Now, back to fitness. Sadly a lot of people believe there is some magical secret to weight loss and that it will happen overnight. If it does they cheer you on and beg to know the secret. When it's a slow process and you try to explain what you've done, they get discouraged. I've been on both sides of this battle, believe me. Now I only talk fitness with people who are traveling the path with me. My friend set has totally changed and my attitude is changing too. I'm more positive and motivational. And the more positive and motivational I get, the more my old friends start joining in. But really, they don't understand until they want to change for themselves. Leave a wake of positive waves and wait for others to get swept along!
And, as for those "friends" suggesting you do drugs, give them a sly smile, wink and answer, "Sure, yes, it's drugs" then casually change the subject. They'll get the hint that you can't be knocked down eventually.0 -
In your first example I can see how she might feel attacked. It depends on who brought the subject up, did she ask you for the information, etc...because launching into a lecture about the dangers of morbid obesity to an obese person is like someone pointing out to me that woman over there with curly hair looks like a poodle (had this happen to me once). She didn't point the finger at me specifically, but come on.
However, I would think that true friends would be happy for their friend that lost weight. A little envious, sure, but I've got skinny friends and while I wish I looked more like them...at least I'm younger than them and always will be. Meow. lol0 -
You need a better class of friends, obese or not.
They should be supportive of you if they are a genuine friend. They all know deep inside that what you are talking about is true, you are a reminder of what they should be doing.
If they were comfortable in the fat than they wouldn't care. Your life is changing and you will meet new people as that happens and most definite it is a lifestyle change.
Great job on your weight loss and keep coming here for supportive friends and find people to go places with that are supportive.0 -
I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.
It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.
I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.0
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