Awkward wedding issue
Dear Internet, please help!
I'm getting married in 2 months and we're paying for it ourselves. We made the call to only invite partners in two cases: 1. Where we hang out with the partner, too, and both partners are part of the general social group together, and 2. Where the main 'invitee' wouldn't really have anyone else to hang out with, so it's nice for them to have their partner, even though we don't know the partner.
We've had a few people ask if they can bring their 'plus one', but once we've explained that they'll have plenty of people to hang with at the reception and our budget doesn't stretch to partners we don't know, it's been fine.
I've had a trickier one this morning though, where the invitee has RSVPd saying "we'd love to come", when the invitation was clearly just for him.
Any tips on negotiating this diplomatic minefield??
I'm getting married in 2 months and we're paying for it ourselves. We made the call to only invite partners in two cases: 1. Where we hang out with the partner, too, and both partners are part of the general social group together, and 2. Where the main 'invitee' wouldn't really have anyone else to hang out with, so it's nice for them to have their partner, even though we don't know the partner.
We've had a few people ask if they can bring their 'plus one', but once we've explained that they'll have plenty of people to hang with at the reception and our budget doesn't stretch to partners we don't know, it's been fine.
I've had a trickier one this morning though, where the invitee has RSVPd saying "we'd love to come", when the invitation was clearly just for him.
Any tips on negotiating this diplomatic minefield??
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Replies
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I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)0
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I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)
I am not sure that tacky is the right word.
It is an incredibly difficult situation! I have no idea how to explain it to people. Other than telling them you want it to be intimate and people you know. Some will understand and some will not. But it is your day and it should be how you envisage it.0 -
Send him a message back and say "perfect, we have you, (insert his/her name), on the list of RSVPs"
I understand about the costs about not having people bring "plus ones" although, to be honest, I probably wouldn't attend a wedding if my boyfriend couldn't come either. I didn't go to my cousin's wedding and that was part of the reason.0 -
Generally speaking, the cost of a wedding gift should be equivalent to the cost for the couple to host you at the reception.
It's a wedding. The more, the merrier. Hope they make up for it with a gift [remember, wedding gifts can be delivered up to 364 days after the wedding. Anything over a year and they are just Neanderthals].0 -
I have to agree with the previous poster, it's really not done to invite people solo in general. However I understand why you are doing it, if this is okay with most of your guests, great! In the case of the one person who either misunderstood the invite or is making it clear that he/she wants to misunderstand the invite, I would just let it be. How much more is one more person going to cost you? Is it worth making a fuss and possibly alienating this person? Yes, I know that you'll probably say "but if I let one come, how can I say no to others?" but I would think with the wedding 2 months away you've already got most of your rsvps and the plans have been made, so really it is just one more person.
good luck!0 -
And so I hopefully don't sound like a total B I want to say I understand how it is to fund your own wedding and needing to find angels to be able to afford it. I just think this angel put you in a sticky and stressful situation. I would be very honest with that guest and call them personally and explain your situation/expectation and let them decide if they want to attend alone.
Congratualtions BTW! You'll be a beautiful bride!0 -
I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from - it's so easy to say, "it's a wedding, the more the merrier" but thats coming from someone who isn't paying for the thing (it's easy to order the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is picking up the check).
If they are a really intimate friend of yours, you should be able to talk to them about it. I know it can be hard to admit to someone else that money is too tight for their comfort, but it is your wedding. Maybe invite said friend out to coffee and have a open ended discussion. Can they really argue with, "I'm terribly sorry, but our budget is so tight we can only really have the people we invited?" They shouldn't protest too much and if they do, they're being a baby.0 -
I've never been invited to a wedding that wasn't addressed to either a) both of us [since we've been married] or b) one of us +1 [when we were just dating].
Good luck.0 -
I'd rather have less people and the ones they love than a whole lot of "single" people pissed off because there wife/husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends were not invited...
How would you feel if your husband was invited and you were not?
Think about it really.
I know weddings can be expensive.
Also remember the cost to your wedding guests..taking the day off work,wedding gift,getting there,few drinks,maybe some new clothes,some people might stay over etc
You seem unsure of it otherwise you would have said straight out sorry but the invitation is for one your partner is not invited.
It is what it is.
Good luck that is a tricky one.0 -
That's really tricky, but I prob wouldn't go to the wedding.
Maybe you should cut your guest down instead of telling people they couldn't bring their plus one.
Weddings are tricky, and complicated.0 -
Scrap the guest list and only invite 20 people, use the extra money to take an amazing honeymoon instead. :P0
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Scrap the guest list and only invite 20 people, use the extra money to take an amazing honeymoon instead. :P
ditto0 -
I'd rather have less people and the ones they love than a whole lot of "single" people pissed off because there wife/husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends were not invited...
How would you feel if your husband was invited and you were not?
Think about it really.
I know weddings can be expensive.
Also remember the cost to your wedding guests..taking the day off work,wedding gift,getting there,few drinks,maybe some new clothes,some people might stay over etc
You seem unsure of it otherwise you would have said straight out sorry but the invitation is for one your partner is not invited.
It is what it is.
Good luck that is a tricky one.
This.
It is considered against etiquette to separate couples like that and understandably so. I understand the paying for the wedding on your own, we did it. I understand the difficulty of the guest list, we did it. But this wasn't the best way to solve the problem without offending a lot of people.
I don't really have any advice. Just be honest, but you can expect people aren't going to be happy and may decline still.0 -
I would actually be really upset if I was invited to anything and told I could not bring my partner....I would not go....
I can understand singles or even people that are serial daters not allowed to bring a plus one, but someone that has a long term or live in relationship....it would even be an awkward situation to explain to ones partner that they are going somewhere like a wedding alone.....just my two cents.....0 -
That's a tough one - I'd be clear with your intentions or it can get out of hand. We invited a couple and got a reply for 7!
Good luck with your wedding.0 -
This may cause problems... because you may have no shows if you arn't going to let them bring their SO you know... thats kinda sad.. I would feel very bad if my SO got invited to a wedding but I couldnt come... to be honest I dont think mu SO would go without me.. what is the point in inviting people but seperating their partner.. doesnt sound good to me.. this is why if I ever got married I would elope and have my wedding while im having my honeymoon..
you put yourself in a tough pickle... what you should have done was not invite people who you knew would want to invite a partner.... it comes off rude and you will have alot of guests leaving early... i dont like this... lol i feel for you... you shouldnt have invited them if they couldnt bring atleast 1 person...0 -
We kept our wedding down to 56 guests (including the bridal party etc). We followed the same rules you have laid out and we were really lucky that everyone was very understanding. One of my friends even commented that she had so much fun having a night away from the hubby and kids and meeting new people.
I do understand that it's an etiquette thing but if I were invited to a wedding and my hubby wasn't, if he didn't know the person and they explained it was a money issue, we would certainly understand. Weddings are stressful enough without having the added issue of guests being offended or having tantrums.
Keep you chin up babe xx0 -
Elope. Problem solved0
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Any update OP?0
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A wedding on a budget is tough and tough decisions must be made. I would say have a straight forward, but polite, conversation with him by phone or in person and explain the situation.0
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Etiquette states that you have to invited married couples together or engaged couples together. You are under no obligation to invite + 1s for everyone.0
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This one is definitely going to take a phone call. Be prepared for him to say he's not coming at all.0
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Sorry but I wouldn't go to the wedding if my husband wasn't invited as well and I'd be a little put off (and would rescind my original response of going) if you called/emailed me and said "Great! We look forward to ONLY YOU and NOT YOUR SO coming to the wedding! KTHXBYE!"
I get that weddings are expensive but it's kind of rude to include some people and not others. I get that you want the people to be comfortable since you all hang out together but honestly I'd rather meet new people and make new friends then hang out with the same old people. But that's just me.0 -
It's easier if you have a brightline rule - I think at our wedding, we invited partners if they were married, living together, or engaged, or if we were friends with both of them. Not some girlfriend they had been dating for a few weeks and I hadn't met yet. Since you don't have a rule that's so easily explained, I'd see if there's any way at all to cut costs to accommodate more people - it stinks when some people are allowed to bring dates/kids, but not others. That's what people will remember after the wedding, unfortunately.0
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Etiquette states that you have to invited married couples together or engaged couples together. You are under no obligation to invite + 1s for everyone.
This is what I have heard, too. I am getting married this year, and my criteria is that I am inviting +1s for people that are either married, engaged, or live together. If I don't know the person well enough to know whether or not that person lives with his/her SO, I am not inviting them!0 -
Yes, paying for a wedding is crazy expensive. I just got married in November and we only invited a guest if we knew them, or they have been dating them for a while and we knew it. We were not paying for our guest to try and find a last min date that wasn't a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife. With that said - if you invited this person and they have a significant other and you know they have been dating or married for however long, you should let it go and let them come.
Talk to them, see where they are at. They may not understand that it was not meant to invite a guest along. You'd be suprised how many people do not understand wedding etiquette.
Good Luck and Congrats!
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Dear Internet, please help!
I'm getting married in 2 months and we're paying for it ourselves. We made the call to only invite partners in two cases: 1. Where we hang out with the partner, too, and both partners are part of the general social group together, and 2. Where the main 'invitee' wouldn't really have anyone else to hang out with, so it's nice for them to have their partner, even though we don't know the partner.
We've had a few people ask if they can bring their 'plus one', but once we've explained that they'll have plenty of people to hang with at the reception and our budget doesn't stretch to partners we don't know, it's been fine.
I've had a trickier one this morning though, where the invitee has RSVPd saying "we'd love to come", when the invitation was clearly just for him.
Any tips on negotiating this diplomatic minefield??
When my husband and I got married, we went through the same situation and did exactly what you did. We kept our guest list extremely small. Everyone who was married obviously got to bring their spouse. The few people we invited that we didn't see too often we invited them with a plus one. We told family and close friends when we were sending out the invites that if they weren't married or engaged, we were not adding a plus one to the invitation. We got one back from my husband's step-grandmother who wanted to bring her son. My husband's family spoke to her privately and she understood and did not bring it up again. Plus, another thing that helped is that instead of presenting it as a reception, we presented it as a wedding brunch. We weren't serving liquor and we had it in the afternoon so people easily accepted it.0 -
I was just married this past April. We were on a budget for the reception as we had a fully catered sit down meal (we got our venue free with the caterer and it was through a church organization - before anything thinks I spent a fortune - I didn't.) We allowed plus ones because honestly, if I were going to a wedding, I wouldn't want to go without my husband. I'd find it very strange, also.
A lot of people that you invite won't come - this is normal for weddings. Don't stress too much about it - is this person engaged or married? Have they been together for many years?0 -
You shouldn't break up couples, regardless of if you know the partner. That is very rude and inconsiderate. I'd be extremely offended if my fiance was invited to a wedding and told that he could not bring me! Think about it! You are going to make a few enemies with this one. Good luck.0
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