Awkward wedding issue

2

Replies

  • StrongAndHealthyMommy
    StrongAndHealthyMommy Posts: 1,255 Member
    We paid for our wedding and we didn't tell people to not bring a plus one. In my opinion that would of been kinda ghetto. Plus, no everyone that RSVP will show up. If I get invited to a wedding and I can't bring a plus one I wouldn't even bother to show up. If you can't afford to have plus ones, then don't invite people that could bring a plus 1. Our budge was kinda small and we had a destination wedding (our dream wedding) we invited 40people (and estimated 10 plus 1, so a total of 50 people) we got RSVP for 40 people and only 5 didn't show up (2 plus one and my friend with her family because they had a car accident on their way to the wedding)
  • gabesgourmet
    gabesgourmet Posts: 78
    You can do what me and my late husband did for our wedding...it was small but we still wanted it to be about love (not just our own love but the loves of our friends and families)...so to keep the budget down (and face it the main expense is almost ALWAYS food) we set up a pizza buffet! It was so much fun...we ordered these really great pizza's from a local awesome pizza parlor and had a keg and then sodas and water in a big tub.

    It was so intimate and fun...and it really was super budget conscious....I know that's not what you were asking...i just don't know how to tell someone we want YOU but not your wife/husband/fiance etc. you know?
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
    i just don't know how to tell someone we want YOU but not your wife/husband/fiance etc. you know?

    It's simple: You don't invite one if you don't want (or can't afford to have) the other one there.
  • gabesgourmet
    gabesgourmet Posts: 78
    that is truth...
  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
    I'm so nosey. I want a damn update! LOL!
  • mattagascar
    mattagascar Posts: 708 Member
    Call the wedding off
  • violinkeri
    violinkeri Posts: 212
    When I get invited to weddings, I always make sure the invitation clearly states plus 1 before inviting someone. Its presumptuous and rude to just assume.

    That being said, I was in a serious, long term, committed, cohabitating relationship a few years back, and a member of his family was getting married. There was a cousin who they didnt like the boyfriend of, so they made the rule that you could only bring plus one if you were married. If we hadnt been living together, it wouldnt ahve bothered me so much. Plus we had already discussed that we would live together for a year before we got engaged. So i got to sit at home watching tv while he stuffed his face with filet mignon and chocolate fondue fountain.
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
    I've never been invited to a wedding that wasn't addressed to either a) both of us [since we've been married] or b) one of us +1 [when we were just dating].

    Good luck.

    This. I think you're out of luck if you're trying not to offend anyone... No matter how you intended it, there's kind of a social norm when it comes to wedding invitations. I understand that it's /your/ wedding but you're inviting people to share the occasion with you, it's justifiable that they'd feel personally slighted that their partner wasn't invited just because the other guests won't know them. I would not attend a wedding that my partner specifically wasn't allowed to attend with me, even if it was for a family member.
  • thecanface
    thecanface Posts: 1,180 Member
    In my opinion.. if they can't bring guests, don't invite anyone. just make it close family and that's it. ALL OR NOTHING!

    i don't think i'd go if i had to go alone..
  • mousepaws22
    mousepaws22 Posts: 380 Member
    I have never had a plus one on an invite for a wedding, not even when I was in a relationship, so I always just go on my own. It's fine, I would maybe invite plus ones for family but at the end of they day it's your wedding, do what's right for you. People should be able to manage a few hours away from their partners and they should be happy to celebrate your wedding IMO.
  • BeingAwesome247
    BeingAwesome247 Posts: 1,171 Member
    elope
  • ChasingHaven
    ChasingHaven Posts: 126 Member
    Yes, paying for a wedding is crazy expensive. I just got married in November and we only invited a guest if we knew them, or they have been dating them for a while and we knew it. We were not paying for our guest to try and find a last min date that wasn't a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife. With that said - if you invited this person and they have a significant other and you know they have been dating or married for however long, you should let it go and let them come.

    Talk to them, see where they are at. They may not understand that it was not meant to invite a guest along. You'd be suprised how many people do not understand wedding etiquette.

    Good Luck and Congrats! :)

    I have to agree with this. Couples will probably assume they're both included and can't imagine not bring invited as a couple. But if this is a single guest, the fact that it wasn't addressed as " John Doe and guest" should be clearly understood as well.

    I worked in the wedding industry for years and I remember the concern that couples had in regards to having their receptions free of children. That would many times be a sticky situation. But yours is even stickier!

    I would have suggested some type of wording in your invitation such as, " please join us in an evening of celebration with our closest friends and family" or something to suggest the small, intimate gathering you're wanting. But hindsight is always clearer!

    Best of luck!
  • DrMAvDPhD
    DrMAvDPhD Posts: 2,097 Member
    I really don't know if there is any tactful way to invite only one of a couple if that couple is married. I would be highly offended if my husband was invited to a wedding but not me, we are legally and spiritually one entity. If the couple isn't married, then just respond with a simple "Venue restrictions have kept our guest list small and we can't accommodate a plus one"
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Wow...I wouldn't go if my SO was not invited with me, or I was not able to bring my "plus one". If you wanted a small wedding - then you still should have considered those who would have SO's.
  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
    I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)


    tacky? i consider pompousness tacky, being cautious (price and socially since you don't even know the people) is being smart. i would just call to confirm the rsvp and ask what the meal was (if that was part of the invite), pretend you haven't received it yet, and if they mention two meals let them know that the space was only reserved for them....in a nice way.
  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
    I really don't know if there is any tactful way to invite only one of a couple if that couple is married. I would be highly offended if my husband was invited to a wedding but not me, we are legally and spiritually one entity. If the couple isn't married, then just respond with a simple "Venue restrictions have kept our guest list small and we can't accommodate a plus one"

    this
  • BamBam125
    BamBam125 Posts: 229 Member
    The rule of thumb I was told when inviting people was that spouses, fiances, and long term significant others (like 1 year or more) ought to be invited. I can't imagine NOT inviting a spouse or a long term partner--it seems rude to me.

    Are you sure you can't cut something else out of your budget to make room for these partners?

    We had a small wedding of mostly family + a few friends. One aunt choose not to come in part because we did not invite her son since he didn't fit our rules for cousins (he was adult instead of a child). We were disappointed in that, but did not budge to add him. (Adding adult cousins would have ballooned the guest list too much--by 100+ more people actually, and inviting one adult cousin and not others would have caused too much trouble. He was older than us, so it's not like he was a young adult even.) Likewise, brothers of the groom didn't even get +1 because they hadn't been dating their GFs long. (One asked, but we talked to him and he decided not to push for it. If he'd pushed, we probably would have let him. He actually didn't have a GF at the time, and just wanted a +1 in general. I think he came to understand since it was a small, intimate family affair. )
  • jr1985
    jr1985 Posts: 1,033 Member
    Is it a plated reception or buffet style? If buffet style, I'm sure you have more then enough food for that one extra person...
  • LittleMissNerdy
    LittleMissNerdy Posts: 792 Member
    Is it a plated reception or buffet style? If buffet style, I'm sure you have more then enough food for that one extra person...

    But then that 1 person turns into 2 more people and then another person and before you know it you're over budget.
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    How we dealt with the situation was we only invited people who meant something to us. No friend of family members, no coworkers etc. Just close friends and family. We paid for our wedding ourselves as well and kept it under 75 people. We had a great time. Yes a few people tried to get us to allow a friend of theirs to come or a coworker who we never met nor heard of before and we flat out said no. This is our wedding and we want to keep it small and intimate. Only close friends and family who we know and see often. No distant relatives, no cousins who lived across the country who we only get to see at funerals. Maybe cutting it back that way will help? Look over your list and make sure you really want those people there to celebrate this special time with you. But I would not say to someone you can't bring a plus one. You can't expect someone to come to a wedding alone. Well unless you have a group of friends who are all single and they know they will be sitting together. That would be an exception I would think.

    Forgot to add: If you're lucky you'll get someone tell you that they won't come to your wedding if so and so is there lol. We had that happen. We said fine then we'll see you on the holidays lol.
  • grace173
    grace173 Posts: 180 Member
    I wouldn't go to a wedding if my other half wasn't invited.
  • Ejwelton
    Ejwelton Posts: 331 Member
    How does the day work? You're going to have to talk to your friend and explain. Could their plus one just join later for a drink? Or maybe both of them attend the ceremony and then just your friend join you to celebrate at the meal?
  • jr1985
    jr1985 Posts: 1,033 Member
    Also... are you absolutely locked in with catering at this point in time? or can you change it? Pinterest has a million 'wedding on a budget' ideas.

    Unless someone specifically told me beforehand that the invite was for 'just me' then I would probably just assume it included a plus one, as most typically do include a plus one... but then again, where I'm from... It just is not a big enough town for super high class wedding anyways, so with the exception of 1 wedding, all that I've been to have been served buffet style aside from head table anyways... so having plus or minus a few that you weren't counting on anyways wasn't really that big of a deal anyways.
  • bexxgirl
    bexxgirl Posts: 260 Member
    Thanks everyone for your input.

    Now for some context and an update.

    I don't know whether this is a cultural difference between New Zealand and other countries, or just with my circle of friends, but it is not at all uncommon here to be invited to a wedding without your partner (especially if you're not married and if you don't both know the couple). Both my fiance and I have been invited to other people's weddings without each other and been fine with it. Sometimes, when the 'partner' is the odd one out of a group, it makes for a less enjoyable night, as they don't have the shared relationship with the rest of the guests. That is certainly the case here, as the partner in question NEVER comes to any of our group activities (although partners are welcome and plenty of others do come).

    For those who wanted an update, this is what I said to the friend in question: (still waiting on a substantive reply - he's said he'll get back to me).

    Hi *name*

    I've got a bit of a tricky thing to raise with you. I got the impression from your email that you were talking about both you and *name* coming to the wedding and reception.

    Luke and I talked about partners when we were doing our invitations and unfortunately, with our budget stretched to the breaking point, we were unable to invite all partners for dinner. We made the tough decision to restrict the dinner invitations to people that we regularly hang out with. Having said that, there is another option if you want to be able to share the evening with *name*.

    Instead of coming to dinner, you could both come along for dessert and drinks. This starts at 8pm at the same venue. We have quite a few people coming along to this later part, which we've planned to coincide with our speeches and the cutting of the cake. The idea was that people could go out for dinner nearby and then come join us for the party!

    Let me know which way you'd prefer to go and we'll let the caterers know. Hope that works for you! Looking forward to seeing you on the big day :)

    Best

    Bex
  • ChasingHaven
    ChasingHaven Posts: 126 Member
    Very classy response! If this person is someone who regularly chooses not to participate in your group get-togethers, this shouldn't be too much of an issue. Perhaps this person might choose to join in on those other get-togethers in the future? Maybe the dessert portion of the celebration will be their first. I think you are correct in standing your ground.
  • FloraSin
    FloraSin Posts: 188 Member
    Not everybody would bring the other half with them to a wedding. My boyfriend and I have been together for ages and weddings together happen.

    However, my friend Ashley got married and invited only high school friends (she and her hubby went to the same school as us). I went with one of my guy friends from the group as my "date" and it was small and quaint. My boyfriend understood that she was having a money issue and while she gave all our friends the options to bring "=1s", we wanted to make it easier on her and decided as a group to surprise them with just the friends.

    Another friend is getting married later this year and it's a complicated and ridiculous thing that would require pages of explanation. I told my boyfriend that I'll be going when it happens, but that I'm bringing another girl (my friend Melissa) because I know it wouldn't be the type of crowd that makes him comfortable.

    We're very close and do a lot together, but we don't have to do EVERYTHING together. I mean, sometimes it's just not logical or economical or whatever. We're a team, not an amorphous blob made of two people.
  • bexxgirl
    bexxgirl Posts: 260 Member
    I guess we thought about how we would feel about things and what we'd be bothered by or otherwise. I suppose it's a lesson in not assuming other people are going to think or behave the same way you would!
  • Jsnuggles
    Jsnuggles Posts: 33
    I am sorry to burst the bubbles of the wedding etiquette police, but it is perfectly accepted in today's modern wedding world to not allow plus ones.
  • LetsMakeupXtina
    LetsMakeupXtina Posts: 627 Member
    I'm sorry to say, I feel it is very tacky and quite rude to have a wedding where you not only don't allow your guests to bring a date, but you allow some to but not others. (am I reading that right?)

    I mean this in the least B way possible, but i have got to agree with this. either allow plus 1's for everyone or don't allow it at all... otherwise people will show up without their S/O, see someone else got to bring theirs, and think what the hell?!?

    I have been to many weddings, and it has always been a +1 invite... I guess there is no harm in not doing the +1, but it should be for everyone...

    I don't know, not trying to be a B... congrats on your upcoming wedding!
  • rebelate
    rebelate Posts: 218 Member
    It sounds like you're keeping your list to a close number of people. I think if you feel close enough to invite them to your wedding, you should be able to tell them about your budget/that you didn't mean for them to bring a guest.

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