Tough love or softly, softly
Replies
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Well, it depends, doesn't it!Which is best? Personally I prefer the tough love approach, as I believe that if you take the “never mind, its not easy and you will sometimes fall off the wagon” approach, you are making the option of failure easy and as in nature the path of least resistance is the default route. On the other hand, to berate failure and make the whole experience of failure unpleasant it no longer becomes the path of least resistance and as such is the one less likely to be chosen.
Is this a male thing?
Tough love is for those who know to do the right thing, but deliberately choose to do wrong.
Softly softly is for those who are trying, need instruction, example, correction, direction.
Whichever you choose, the person on the receiving end should not feel rejected (although a behavior or course of action,etc, may be rejected). In other words, be patient and kind even if you have to be firm and hold the line.0 -
tough love is what I need but their is a difference between tough love and just being mean! The one person I don't take tough love from well is my husband!0
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I prefer tough love but tough love on here generally equals bullying.
Unfortunately true for some. I think everything should be said in love, even if its the truth. Some people are motivated when they are given tough love, but not everyone. There is a right way to speak to someone, and there is a wrong way. It's possible to be very honest, but loving simultaneously.0 -
tough love all the way!!! no beating about the bush!!!
I believe hitting problem HEAD ON IS HARD!!!! kicking yourself into gear and not looking back.
the line between winning and losing is STRAIGHT as AN ARROW - not wavey!!
just yesterday I told someone here to empty their snack cupboard and get healthy with a positive mentality and then someone pipes up saying "ignore him, eat chocolate within your calorie allowance"
well that's all fine and dandy, but picking fingers tend to keep on picking and the circle continues etc...
I say cut out rubbish food FULL STOP!!! !! when you have your mind right and attitude toward food is POSITIVE then yeah!! TREAT YOURSELF!! but until then, go full force and attack fat like it just made you mad!!
im sorry for rambling - forgot what this threads about. ignore me
Your posts get worse and worse. Now you've just called a MFP member a 'buffoon' and a 'stuck up muppet', just because they think that cutting out everything you enjoy is unsustainable? Nice.
No tough love for Lauren...
I like tough love. I don't like unnecessary insults and name-calling just because some disagrees with you.0 -
Positive reinforcement is better than
Negative reinforcement which is better than
Positive punishment which is better than
Negative punishment.
Most people who profess to be dispensing "tough love" actually don't have a scooby what they are doing and are, in fact, just being twonks...
Tough love baaaaaaaaaaby.0 -
Tough love from a person with good intentions.0
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No, it's not a male thing. But why are you looking for either or? This is about you. You are responsible for you, no one else is. You make the decision what you put in your mouth, no one else does. What does what someone say to you have to do with what you eat or how you burn it off? Don't give anyone else that power, own it yourself.0
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Tough love only works when you really know a person and what makes them tick. I have a few people on my FL that I know well enough that I could push if I see they need it. There are others that this approach would have a very negative effect and many that I don;t know well enough to be anything more than encouraging.
In the end we have to be accountable to ourselves, but even using tough love self talk can at times be detrimental. Know your audience well enough to determine what approach is going to work the best.
This. I would never use "tough love" on people I wasn't sure it would work on.0 -
Tough. Love. Not mean. Not belittling. Honest. Straightforward. LOVING and with good intent for the person to whom you are speaking. Pretending it's not what it is doesn't help a thing. Bossy, bullying, unkind words won't accomplish anything positive.0
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Too often (particularly online) people give tough without the love. How is it helpful, if someone posts about their struggle, to respond with "Well, suck it up- it's supposed to be hard!" ?
I'm not really interested in some random on the internet telling me I'm dumb or weak because I'm having a bad day, because I'm neither (and I certainly wouldn't take this IRL). This is why I'm a fan of encouragement and/or helpful advice-giving.0 -
I really like name-calling and insults. Not so much on the physical pain, though. In any event I don't want to be playing Kenny-G and lighting vanilla-scented candles every night.0
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I use Tough Love all the time with my clients. However I do it encouragingly.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I go for tough love, but emphasis on the love. "You need to love yourself enough to make the right choices, which are not always the easy choices. Your body and mind will benefit from it."0
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Part of the problem is that you can't hear tone of voice here. That makes a huge difference. You can type in something jokingly and not meant to be taken seriously, which could come across to the person addressed as negative and sarcastic. I try to be more gentle simply because many people here have heard enough negative nasty stuff and may be oversensitive at this point in their weight loss journey. If somebody says, "Oh, boy, did I ever screw up!" they don't need to hear, "Did you ever! Get off your behind and go to the gym!" They need to hear, "Hey, it happens. It's over, don't keep beating yourself up, just start again right now. Don't give up, you can do this!"0
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Tough love, with equal parts of both. Anything worth having requires effort and some people need that driven home. They also need a kick in the butt at times to get back on track. However, all that can be done with a good amount of compassion and constantly reminding everyone involved (including ourselves) that we are a work in progress. Progress isnt always linear.0
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Being too soft generally will not get you the results you are looking for, and only allows people to feel good about the fact that someone agrees with them. Now with that being said "tough love" doesn't mean we need to berate and belittle people to get your point across. "Tough love" can simply be being honest with someone and stating the obvious.0
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Tough love. I see no reason to sugar coat it but at the same time there is a way to delivery a message with tact.0
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I hate tough love, it doesn't work for me, I will just rebel. Give me a kiss and a cake and I'll do as you ask0
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...attack fat like it just p*ssed on your carpet!!
Well, I now have my new quote for the week. Thanks for that.0 -
Thanks for the responses guys, there are some very thoughtful replies.
It’s good to see people’s opinions on the approach to dealing with failure, as with most things in life it is not always black and white.
My post was to canvas opinion on how as an individual you prefer to be treated or treat yourself, its good to see that it is not gender specific, also that a higher percentage of people prefer some form of tough love or another. Whilst others are hung up on semantics and the lack of being able to apply tone to posts, this is also interesting and offers insight for future posts.
(FYI. I’m not asking because I have fell off the wagon or failed, it regards a discussion / debate at the gym between a group of about 15 people. Predominantly those who embraced failure with the soft approach had achieved the least with regards to goals set by them selves and showed the most disappointment with their progress, whilst the inverse was true for the Tough love brigade. I was just wondering if this is indicative or a quirk of the small sample of people taking part in the discussion)0 -
Thanks for the responses guys, there are some very thoughtful replies.
It’s good to see people’s opinions on the approach to dealing with failure, as with most things in life it is not always black and white.
My post was to canvas opinion on how as an individual you prefer to be treated or treat yourself, its good to see that it is not gender specific, also that a higher percentage of people prefer some form of tough love or another. Whilst others are hung up on semantics and the lack of being able to apply tone to posts, this is also interesting and offers insight for future posts.
(FYI. I’m not asking because I have fell off the wagon or failed, it regards a discussion / debate at the gym between a group of about 15 people. Predominantly those who embraced failure with the soft approach had achieved the least with regards to goals set by them selves and showed the most disappointment with their progress, whilst the inverse was true for the Tough love brigade. I was just wondering if this is indicative or a quirk of the small sample of people taking part in the discussion)
Hm. You had me until the words "hung up", as to imply that those of us who prefer the softer approach are stuck. Your statement that soft approaches lead to failure are also ridiculous.
Personally, it has been a difficult life, filled with abuse, terror, insane self-doubt, and self-destruction. I have not found healing or peace among people who have told me that I need to get tough or get out. If that were the approach, I would have labeled myself as a hopeless failure long ago and likely be dead by my own hand.
I am not alone in this - and even those who have not had such a life have lived long enough to know what works for them. Not only are you telling them that they are wrong, but you are flippantly dismissing whatever experiences brought them to that realization.
Many of us are completely aware of how our lives have affected us and what keeps us able to change. Your statements that we are somehow fooling ourselves shows a lack of understanding human variances.0 -
+1Hm. You had me until the words "hung up", as to imply that those of us who prefer the softer approach are stuck. Your statement that soft approaches lead to failure are also ridiculous.
Personally, it has been a difficult life, filled with abuse, terror, insane self-doubt, and self-destruction. I have not found healing or peace among people who have told me that I need to get tough or get out. If that were the approach, I would have labeled myself as a hopeless failure long ago and likely be dead by my own hand.
I am not alone in this - and even those who have not had such a life have lived long enough to know what works for them. Not only are you telling them that they are wrong, but you are flippantly dismissing whatever experiences brought them to that realization.
Many of us are completely aware of how our lives have affected us and what keeps us able to change. Your statements that we are somehow fooling ourselves shows a lack of understanding human variances.0 -
“Hm. You had me until the words "hung up", as to imply that those of us who prefer the softer approach are stuck. Your statement that soft approaches lead to failure are also ridiculous.”
“Whilst others are hung up on semantics and the lack of being able to apply tone to posts, this is also interesting and offers insight for future posts.”
The term “hung up” is not regards the approach of softly or tough or otherwise, it is regards’ the wording of posts:
“The word semantics itself denotes a range of ideas, from the popular to the highly technical. It is often used in ordinary language for denoting a problem of understanding that comes down to word selection or connotation”
and you have kindly demonstrated this. The responses received were peoples interpretation of my question and the wording I had used obviously not clear and precise enough, the discussion changed from how one likes to be treat as to how one should treat other0 -
Si, seniore.
Thank you for your calm and composed response. The internet is comprised of nothing but semantics, as words (and porn) is what we are able to communicate with here. I appreciate your clarification of how you meant the words "hung up".0 -
I prefer option C: truthful and direct.
Agree0 -
Everyone and every situation is different and most likely takes some combination of the two. And for the record "tough love" doesn't give a person a license to be an *kitten*, and 'hand holding' doesn't mean coddling unhealthy behavior. Tough love means telling them truthfully and directly what they most likely don't want to hear, but it can be done gently, you can even hold their hand while you say it.0
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I prefer direct honesty but there's no excuse to be mean. Ever.0
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Neither, to be honest.
"Tough love" is usually a front for being able to get away with being insulting and bullying. Like when people "tell it like it is". No, they are telling it like THEY think it is, from their OWN subjective viewpoint. It simply doesn't work.
"Softly softly" is a disaster, especially when it comes to weight loss. It makes you feel better, which leads to being able to "get away" with going on some crazy binge.
The one I find that works is encouragement, mixed with a bit of firmness. In a nutshell, positive INSPIRATION. Eye of the Tiger, rawrrrrrrrrrrr! lol
For example, years ago I was at Slimming World. I lost the most weight with one SW consultant who had an air of positivity about her, she made it sound incredibly EXCITING to lose weight. If you put on weight one week, she would reply to do better the next week with a hint of sternness in her voice, but then will follow up with a new and brilliantly original idea that gets you all fired up and raring to go! The weight just dropped off!
Unfortunately, she was the temporary consultant. A new one came along with a very softly softly approach. Result? Plateau, followed by creeping weight gain :frown:0 -
Bullying seems to get thrown around on here a lot. What is your definition of bullying? Disagreeing with someone's statement? Using a "tone" you don't like? Being honest with your thoughts on whatever has been posted?
To me bullying is relentless pursuit of someone to degrade and harass them for no reason or fault of their own. If you come into a forum and ask for an opinion or advice then you have to expect it may not be all rainbows and sunshine. Now if you post and someone continues to stalk you by sending PM's, makes disparaging remarks about you in the forums, calls you out on unrelated topics, posts comments on your other posts that are degrading, then maybe they're bullying. I haven't seen that happen here often.
This board is pretty tame most of the time compared to a lot of others out there. If you are a special snowflake with a very sensitive ego then internet forums may not be the place for you but then again the world may not be the place for you. Don't ask for advice if you aren't willing to hear it.0 -
I appreciate realism. Suck it up, don't make excuses all of the time, but forgive yourself for occasionally falling off the wagon.0
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