Marriage: Lasting or Not?

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  • Vain_Witch
    Vain_Witch Posts: 476 Member
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    I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

    ^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
    Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:

    Edit to say: I always thought Id be one of the people that celebrated their 50th anniversary together but unfortunately it seems I have poor taste in men. As pitiful as it sounds I was the one in both marriages (first one was 12 years) to do whatever it took to make it work because I wanted to try to hold the family together. It took a toll on my self esteem and mental and physical well being putting up with what they put me through. Unless you see that they really want to change and work at it and make a difference in the relationship dont waste your time. It wont change. Dont wait till they put you through so much crap then dump you like your garbage. Im all for working things out but there is definitely a point where enough is enough.

    Ditto to the doing whatever it takes to work! It took me until recently finally accept that I really did do EVERYTHING I possibly could and that it wasn't my fault. It damages your self esteem so badly that, even with the facts laid out in front of you, you really believe it was still your fault somehow.
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,821 Member
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    If you stonewall (disengage, never even argue about anything) it's pretty much over. You get through the rough years by focusing on what you have. You have date nights, you remain courteous even things don't look good that day. It there is an addiction, it needs to be confronted.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    Been with my wife for almost 25 years. Just had our 20th anniversary last August. I can honestly say we have't had ANY Rocky times. Been poor, had health issues, been through deaths, births and adversity, but, the two of us have always had the same goals, same vision,same expectation.

    In all those years we have not had one fight. We have compromised on occasion. Being right has never been more important to me than my relationship.

    I know with absolute certainty that she is the woman I will live the rest of my life with.
  • Snackman88
    Snackman88 Posts: 36 Member
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    Has anyone been through rough years in your marriage? Yes, A LOT in the beginning.
    Did you make it through? Yes. Through blood, sweat, and tears.
    How do you know if it's going to last? We still have little arguments, debates, etc. Marriage isn't perfect it's what you make of it and marriage is work.
    How long do you work at it without seeing a change before you decide enough is enough? Really sit down and talk that's how the problem gets solved.
  • spaniel
    spaniel Posts: 468
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    Forty-two years married and counting! Yes, there have some terrific times and there have been some rough times. My hubby and I are about as opposite as it gets, but it works!
  • Roni_M
    Roni_M Posts: 717 Member
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    Married 30 yrs and counting. We've been through it all! "Through sickness and in health"...yep...."For richer or poorer"...hell yes!...."for better or worse"...you bet. Some may say we are one of the lucky ones who made it. I say we work hard at it. I understand that some marriages just can't be, but I think too many couples throw in the towel too soon. Again, I reiterate, I get that some marriages just cannot be allowed to continue. We sometimes argue & fight, have silent spells, but eventually we work it out. Secret? I don't know if there is just one thing. I do know one thing though, we both have the attitude that "I ain't a leavin' you babe". Works for us.

    Couldn't agree more! We will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in June and were married young (I'm 40 and he is 41 so we were babies! LOL). It takes a lot of work, a lot of understanding and a lot of patience to make a marriage last. In my experience, there are a lot of our friends who divorced over complete nonsense without putting any effort in. Sadly, I think that happens too often. Generally, once you get through the rough patches, your relationship is better for having worked on it. Of course, there are cases where divorce is necessary.
  • Lifting_Knitter
    Lifting_Knitter Posts: 1,025
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    She says religion has been playing a huge part for her...He hasn't grasped it yet.

    I'm not sure exactly what this means. I go to church, my husband doesn't. I pray, read my Bible, and sometimes watch "Church TV". He doesn't. I believe my faith is for ME. I know that there are people who feel that they have to be someone who feels & practices their faith the way they do. Tradition and what not. For ME personally, it's not an issue. Now, if he were to start making fun of my faith, try to stop me from going to church or otherwise interfere, then I would definitely have a problem with that. But he respects me enough to let me do what I need to do spiritually.

    Similar situation here. My wife is Catholic, and I am an Atheist. We've been married 23 years. Yes, there have been a number of rough patches, but we do our best to work through them, even though it can be tough.

    My husband and I were both catholic 6 years ago when we got married...6 years later, I am still catholic and he is atheist. It is hard but it is doable.
  • mmk2988
    mmk2988 Posts: 43
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    Will reply soon after Marriage.
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same
    This is very true!

    I got married at 39 though, so I was wise enough to know he was unlikely to change, and the few habits I wasn't crazy about were probably going to stick around. I think going into a marriage with a willingness to accept someone 'just the way they are" is important. If you can't live with each other's flaws, you aren't going to make it!

    In just over 3 years, we've been through 3 unexpected deaths - first a close friend, then my husband's brother (both suicides) and then his mother was killed in a car accident last summer....so no matter how strong you are as a couple...you WILL continually be tested!
  • mmk2988
    mmk2988 Posts: 43
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same

    Fact... Fact... Fact..
  • sahm23ladies
    sahm23ladies Posts: 91 Member
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    In a nutshell, rough years will either tear you apart or bring you together.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    He says he is happy with who he is though, which makes it hard.

    so how is anything going to change?

    if he is happy as he is, then he mustnt see anything wrong with their marriage as it is... so how will it change??? it takes 2 to tango!
  • jcjsjones
    jcjsjones Posts: 571 Member
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    I think every marriage has its ups and downs. I have been married to my best friend for 14 years, and love him more than the day I married him. We were babies (I was 20, he was 22) when we got married, and we "grew up" together. We have had our fair share of obstacles to overcome, but I think the reason we have stayed together through everything is because we BOTH worked hard to make it. It's hard to be happy in a one-sided marriage.

    As far as having different religions in marriage, I do think that a marriage can survive as long as you respect each other. However, my husband was born and raised Christian (he is a preacher's kid) and I was not. It wasn't until I found God and became a Christian that our marriage became rock solid. My relationship with God is mine, but I get to share it with him. It does make a difference.
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,862 Member
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same

    Fact... Fact... Fact..
    And they are both wrong to expect it. My wife is radically different from when we got married 30 years ago... thank God. Can you even imagine not growing or changing? How boring.
  • cutchro
    cutchro Posts: 396 Member
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    I made it through many rough years with my spouse... finally said enough is enough at year 27 when I found he had been texting and who knows what else with another woman for 10 weeks... He told me to my face he didn't love me any more and eventually wanted to be with her... I asked what he was waiting for and threw him out.... this was the fourth time he had "relations" emotional or otherwise over the 27 years... but in the past never said those words... I filed fo divorce the next day.
  • rileamoyer
    rileamoyer Posts: 2,411 Member
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    30 plus exciting years together. Been through lots of tough times, financial, health, death, counseling, issues with exes etc. and lots of good times too. We are opposite in so many ways (extrovert/introvert) among others, and we butt heads pretty regularly. However our core values are similar and we both are committed to each other. We always seem to make it through the rough patches and I am just as crazy about him today as I was the day we married. Don't know any secret other than love and hard work.
  • Fit_Vixen1
    Fit_Vixen1 Posts: 419
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    Personally, I think every marriage has rough patches. Life isn't perfect, life continues while married, therefore a marriage isn't going to be perfect. I got married at 19 to the only man (1 year older than me) I'ver EVER loved. 15 years later he's still my husband. We have 2 beautiful children. And no, our marriage isn't perfect, but it would be so damn boring if it was!!! You don't give up when you hit the rough patches, you hold on tighter.
  • Kellyeee2013
    Kellyeee2013 Posts: 221
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    I wasn't married, but I was with someone for 9 years...
    We got to a point where there was no communication and no one was trying anymore. When you start to feel alone in your relationship and the other person does not seem interested in putting their all into it... it is time to let go.
  • ktsmom430
    ktsmom430 Posts: 1,100 Member
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    37+ years.
    It would certainly depend on what the problem is. Some things can not be fixed (that is just my opinion), abuse being one of them.
    Mostly it is compromise. Any relationship is going to have ups and downs, that is part of life. You have to be willing to work things out.
  • Kellyeee2013
    Kellyeee2013 Posts: 221
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    I already answered, but:

    Two people can work through it when there are two people who want it badly enough and communication is open. Communication is so important, which I cannot express enough. I am with someone now and we talk everything out, and it is amazing. If there is something I do not like, he strives to change it or be better or whatever (not that I ask him to). He reminds me daily of how much he cares about me and how beautiful I am. Our longterm goals are a bit blurry, but we are sure to discuss these things along the way too. I miss the guy I was with for 9 years dearly, but we started dating when I was 15, and sadly we both grew into different people with different wants, need, and beliefs about the world around us. We got to a place whether neither one of us were happy or could forgive each other. We got to a place where we stopped growing. We stopped communicating. When you get to that place then that chapter of your life may be over. Just because someone is married doesn't mean it needs to last forever. Things happen and people change. It's not okay or helping anyone to stay in bad relationship just for the sake of doing so. But yes, there will be ups and downs. It is what you do with the ups and downs that will count in the end.

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