Marriage: Lasting or Not?

sahm23ladies · February 2013

In a nutshell, rough years will either tear you apart or bring you together.

TavistockToad · February 2013

He says he is happy with who he is though, which makes it hard.

so how is anything going to change?

if he is happy as he is, then he mustnt see anything wrong with their marriage as it is... so how will it change??? it takes 2 to tango!

jcjsjones · February 2013

I think every marriage has its ups and downs. I have been married to my best friend for 14 years, and love him more than the day I married him. We were babies (I was 20, he was 22) when we got married, and we "grew up" together. We have had our fair share of obstacles to overcome, but I think the reason we have stayed together through everything is because we BOTH worked hard to make it. It's hard to be happy in a one-sided marriage.

As far as having different religions in marriage, I do think that a marriage can survive as long as you respect each other. However, my husband was born and raised Christian (he is a preacher's kid) and I was not. It wasn't until I found God and became a Christian that our marriage became rock solid. My relationship with God is mine, but I get to share it with him. It does make a difference.

Deipneus · February 2013

Women mary men hoping they'll change

Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same

Fact... Fact... Fact..

And they are both wrong to expect it. My wife is radically different from when we got married 30 years ago... thank God. Can you even imagine not growing or changing? How boring.

cutchro · February 2013

I made it through many rough years with my spouse... finally said enough is enough at year 27 when I found he had been texting and who knows what else with another woman for 10 weeks... He told me to my face he didn't love me any more and eventually wanted to be with her... I asked what he was waiting for and threw him out.... this was the fourth time he had "relations" emotional or otherwise over the 27 years... but in the past never said those words... I filed fo divorce the next day.

rileamoyer · February 2013

30 plus exciting years together. Been through lots of tough times, financial, health, death, counseling, issues with exes etc. and lots of good times too. We are opposite in so many ways (extrovert/introvert) among others, and we butt heads pretty regularly. However our core values are similar and we both are committed to each other. We always seem to make it through the rough patches and I am just as crazy about him today as I was the day we married. Don't know any secret other than love and hard work.

Fit_Vixen1 · February 2013

Personally, I think every marriage has rough patches. Life isn't perfect, life continues while married, therefore a marriage isn't going to be perfect. I got married at 19 to the only man (1 year older than me) I'ver EVER loved. 15 years later he's still my husband. We have 2 beautiful children. And no, our marriage isn't perfect, but it would be so damn boring if it was!!! You don't give up when you hit the rough patches, you hold on tighter.

Kellyeee2013 · February 2013

I wasn't married, but I was with someone for 9 years...
We got to a point where there was no communication and no one was trying anymore. When you start to feel alone in your relationship and the other person does not seem interested in putting their all into it... it is time to let go.

ktsmom430 · February 2013

37+ years.
It would certainly depend on what the problem is. Some things can not be fixed (that is just my opinion), abuse being one of them.
Mostly it is compromise. Any relationship is going to have ups and downs, that is part of life. You have to be willing to work things out.

Kellyeee2013 · February 2013

I already answered, but:

Two people can work through it when there are two people who want it badly enough and communication is open. Communication is so important, which I cannot express enough. I am with someone now and we talk everything out, and it is amazing. If there is something I do not like, he strives to change it or be better or whatever (not that I ask him to). He reminds me daily of how much he cares about me and how beautiful I am. Our longterm goals are a bit blurry, but we are sure to discuss these things along the way too. I miss the guy I was with for 9 years dearly, but we started dating when I was 15, and sadly we both grew into different people with different wants, need, and beliefs about the world around us. We got to a place whether neither one of us were happy or could forgive each other. We got to a place where we stopped growing. We stopped communicating. When you get to that place then that chapter of your life may be over. Just because someone is married doesn't mean it needs to last forever. Things happen and people change. It's not okay or helping anyone to stay in bad relationship just for the sake of doing so. But yes, there will be ups and downs. It is what you do with the ups and downs that will count in the end.

clrnt1 · February 2013

Been with my wife for almost 25 years. Just had our 20th anniversary last August. I can honestly say we have't had ANY Rocky times. Been poor, had health issues, been through deaths, births and adversity, but, the two of us have always had the same goals, same vision,same expectation.

In all those years we have not had one fight. We have compromised on occasion. Being right has never been more important to me than my relationship.

I know with absolute certainty that she is the woman I will live the rest of my life with.

Reading other response to this question, your situation seems rare; but to a young person not yet on this journey, this story is inspiring.

WendyTerry420 · February 2013

I've been married nearly 20 years. We've had rough days. but never rough years, at least not with the marriage. When life gets tough, we grow closer as we struggle together. My husband and I are best friends and life partners.

mminor77 · February 2013

I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:

Edit to say: I always thought Id be one of the people that celebrated their 50th anniversary together but unfortunately it seems I have poor taste in men. As pitiful as it sounds I was the one in both marriages (first one was 12 years) to do whatever it took to make it work because I wanted to try to hold the family together. It took a toll on my self esteem and mental and physical well being putting up with what they put me through. Unless you see that they really want to change and work at it and make a difference in the relationship dont waste your time. It wont change. Dont wait till they put you through so much crap then dump you like your garbage. Im all for working things out but there is definitely a point where enough is enough.

Ditto to the doing whatever it takes to work! It took me until recently finally accept that I really did do EVERYTHING I possibly could and that it wasn't my fault. It damages your self esteem so badly that, even with the facts laid out in front of you, you really believe it was still your fault somehow.

I agree with that! This last one was so horrible that I am just now starting to talk to people again. (Its been a little over a year). I just completely shut down and didnt want anything to do with anyone and a relationship is the farthest thing from my mind. Not sure when or if that will change. :ohwell:

Lyssa62 · February 2013

been married for 27 years now. started going downhill after we both sobered up when we decided to try to get pregnant. really puts a damper on the relationship when you find out the only thing you had in common was alcohol.

we are together because neither one of us will go file for a divorce..both of us refuse to leave the house. So luckily it's big enough he has his own room.

So can it get better..yeah if you both want it to it can. Otherwise you can end up like me and just "living in the same house with the spouse" out of convenience.

edited to add : maybe my husband and I just had a rough 26 years and the best is yet to come? Who knows.

Vain_Witch · February 2013

I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:

Edit to say: I always thought Id be one of the people that celebrated their 50th anniversary together but unfortunately it seems I have poor taste in men. As pitiful as it sounds I was the one in both marriages (first one was 12 years) to do whatever it took to make it work because I wanted to try to hold the family together. It took a toll on my self esteem and mental and physical well being putting up with what they put me through. Unless you see that they really want to change and work at it and make a difference in the relationship dont waste your time. It wont change. Dont wait till they put you through so much crap then dump you like your garbage. Im all for working things out but there is definitely a point where enough is enough.

Ditto to the doing whatever it takes to work! It took me until recently finally accept that I really did do EVERYTHING I possibly could and that it wasn't my fault. It damages your self esteem so badly that, even with the facts laid out in front of you, you really believe it was still your fault somehow.

I agree with that! This last one was so horrible that I am just now starting to talk to people again. (Its been a little over a year). I just completely shut down and didnt want anything to do with anyone and a relationship is the farthest thing from my mind. Not sure when or if that will change. :ohwell:

I was the same way. I even started to remove myself from my family. It does eventually change, but I was about 2 1/2 years out of my divorce before I really gave someone a chance. Somehow I found a guy who's willing to not only accept my baggage, but give me time and room to work through those issues as they relate to OUR relationship. :-)

mminor77 · February 2013

I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:

Edit to say: I always thought Id be one of the people that celebrated their 50th anniversary together but unfortunately it seems I have poor taste in men. As pitiful as it sounds I was the one in both marriages (first one was 12 years) to do whatever it took to make it work because I wanted to try to hold the family together. It took a toll on my self esteem and mental and physical well being putting up with what they put me through. Unless you see that they really want to change and work at it and make a difference in the relationship dont waste your time. It wont change. Dont wait till they put you through so much crap then dump you like your garbage. Im all for working things out but there is definitely a point where enough is enough.

Ditto to the doing whatever it takes to work! It took me until recently finally accept that I really did do EVERYTHING I possibly could and that it wasn't my fault. It damages your self esteem so badly that, even with the facts laid out in front of you, you really believe it was still your fault somehow.

I agree with that! This last one was so horrible that I am just now starting to talk to people again. (Its been a little over a year). I just completely shut down and didnt want anything to do with anyone and a relationship is the farthest thing from my mind. Not sure when or if that will change. :ohwell:

I was the same way. I even started to remove myself from my family. It does eventually change, but I was about 2 1/2 years out of my divorce before I really gave someone a chance. Somehow I found a guy who's willing to not only accept my baggage, but give me time and room to work through those issues as they relate to OUR relationship. :-)

Well to know that there are still good ones out there does give me hope!! Hopefully there will still be some left if I can learn to trust anyone else ever again! After the first divorce it took me 10 years to try it again then I meet someone who put on a good show until we got married then he showed his true colors. Who knows if I will ever go down that road again. I would say no way now but I do still hold out hope that there is someone awesome out there that will cross my path and change the way I see things....

TrailRunner61 · February 2013

We married young (18 & 20) and are going on 34 years. We even started dating when we were 15 and 17 so we've known each other even longer. We have had good times, bad times, infidelity, the WORST you could ever imagine bad times, bad health, good health, loss of 4 babies, deaths (including our parents), financial problems, birth of 3 kids, raising kids, teens, college students and even raised other peoples' kids. I can't even say why I think we are still together. Not that I'm questioning why. I know that we love each other and we are our best friends. We HAPPILY do nearly everything/anything together, are considerate, we leave each other notes, we plan dates (very critical!!), and we treat each other with respect. I think the dating thing has a lot to do with it. We plan on doing things that are different, new, exciting and sometimes very, very boring, but we love it. One rule I made a few years ago is that we have to have a date on every full moon. Money or no money, we have a date. It could be expensive or we can sit at home and watch tv. We just have to spend time together that day/evening. It has worked well. We also do a lot of things together as a family, even with 4 grandkids. We camp, fish and go boating with all of them. I think that and communication is key. Like they say, never go to bed angry. Once things start to build up inside and you can't talk about it, your relationship goes downhill. A relationship takes work, married or not. I happily believe that my marriage will last until death. Maybe that's silly given today's statistics, but I think that if we made it through all of the above, we should be able to handle the rest.

angimac · February 2013

In June, I will have been married to the love of my life for 27 years. We got married when I was 14 and he was 18. In those 27 years, we've been through heaven, hell, and everything in between. We've experienced birth and death, and that whole "richer, poorer, sickness, health" thing? We've run the gamut on that too.

We have fallen into a marital rut more times than I care to remember, and climbed back out. Every time, it would get deeper, until I finally reached the point where I just didn't care any more. I was tired of trying, tired of climbing, tired of everything. The only reason I stayed at that point was because I didn't have a means to support myself or anywhere to go (my own mother has told me multiple times if he and I ever separated, he could come live with her but I couldn't.)

For Valentine's Day that year, Cupid gave my husband a little nudge, and we began restoring our marriage. It didn't happen overnight, but it DID start overnight.

We still argue. I'm still a *****. But our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been.

It isn't easy, but it's worth it. Anything worth having is worth working for.

redragtop05 · February 2013

Married 30 yrs and counting. We've been through it all! "Through sickness and in health"...yep...."For richer or poorer"...hell yes!...."for better or worse"...you bet. Some may say we are one of the lucky ones who made it. I say we work hard at it. I understand that some marriages just can't be, but I think too many couples throw in the towel too soon. Again, I reiterate, I get that some marriages just cannot be allowed to continue. We sometimes argue & fight, have silent spells, but eventually we work it out. Secret? I don't know if there is just one thing. I do know one thing though, we both have the attitude that "I ain't a leavin' you babe". Works for us.

I've been married for 25 years and I couldn't have said it better!!

Mhaney · February 2013

We lasted through 2 deployments, and that's pretty flippin rough, but that wasn't what ended things.

sbbhbm · February 2013

I am on my second marriage. My first one ended because I was too blind to realize what an amazing man I had- we got married too young, and after 10 years I just wanted my "freedom". You know, the modern idea that a woman's freedom means she can run around and act like a *kitten*. I thought I was missing out on having fun. It was stupid, and I miss him pretty much every day.
I've been with my second husband now for 6 years. It's pretty much been 6 years of hell. I think I'm putting myself through penance for my first marriage. We've talked about divorce, we've talked about why in the world we are so miserable, we've talked about counseling. The problem for him is purely physical, he said I'm simply not attractive enough for him. He used to date girls who were in naughty calendars, lots of strippers in his past as well. He married me because we were best friends, and he does love me, I'm the only woman he's ever actually trusted, and he thought that those things would overcome the lack of attraction. It hasn't. The verbal abuse from his frustration and outright physical neglect (I rarely get sex) has pretty much emotionally crippled me. I don't know if there is anything to save at this point, but we made a commitment and we will do everything we can to make this work. But I am ready to walk away, to be totally honest.

links_slayer · February 2013

Married for 6 1/2 years (relatively small length of time) w/ no kids.

Years 4-5/12 were capital r-o-u-g-h. We made it through and are better than ever.

We still have our moments, LDO, but I have yet to meet a couple that doesn't.

I've learned that she doesn't always want a solution to a problem that she's venting about. I've also learned that she genuinely values the time we spend together doing the little things...even if it's just cuddling on the couch during her favorite shows or playing Connect 4 on her ipad. I am the first to admit that I'm not always in the mood for stuff like this but I do it because I know it makes her happy deep down inside.

She's learned that there are a few things that I do without her that make me happy so she "allows" me to do them (e.g. Golf, Ice Fishing). She's also learned that the kitchen is my domain when I'm in there cooking or baking

I can't imagine my life without her.

hbrittingham · February 2013

I've been with my husband for 23 years, married just shy of 21 years. We have had some rough years and went through our roughest patch 10 months ago. I thought I wanted out of the marriage, neither of us was happy and we were just roommates, not friends or lovers anymore.

We got into marriage counseling and 2 months into it, I realized that I actually had a pretty great husband who loved me very much. I realized that we shared core values and to me that was a very important thing to have in a mate.

Our marriage wouldn't have pulled through if both of us hadn't ultimately wanted to make it work. He has put a LOT of effort into rebuilding my trust in him and shows me every day how much he loves me. We are both committed to making our marriage even stronger than it is today. We never want to go back to those darker days.

I think a marriage can pull through if both partners want it to and are willing to make the effort. Marriage is a lot of work, I used to scoff at that idea, but now I realize it's totally true.

I am married to my best friend and my first and only love. I consider myself lucky to have him in my life.

imchicbad · February 2013

Married 30 yrs and counting. We've been through it all! "Through sickness and in health"...yep...."For richer or poorer"...hell yes!...."for better or worse"...you bet. Some may say we are one of the lucky ones who made it. I say we work hard at it. I understand that some marriages just can't be, but I think too many couples throw in the towel too soon. Again, I reiterate, I get that some marriages just cannot be allowed to continue. We sometimes argue & fight, have silent spells, but eventually we work it out. Secret? I don't know if there is just one thing. I do know one thing though, we both have the attitude that "I ain't a leavin' you babe". Works for us.

I am going on 17 years. This says a lot. What are you willing to fight for? And is it worth the fight? I think society now a days teaches these kids that everyone and everything can be replaced if you don't like it . ( my opinion) so people just don't want to put in the work. Marriage is sacred. It's a commitment to one another. That's why vows are put into place. It's so cliche' but communicate. Don't just get married and then get comfortable doing nothing for one another. Life is beautiful and I think people let a bunch of little things get in the way, like friends, money, and unsolicited advice and little things build up to the stupid arguments. EVERYONE goes through it, but it's worth the fight. Only the strong survive... True love is very strong. It's stronger than anger and stronger than hate.

So with that said, if you can't afford it don't get it... Arguing over money is the number one no-no.
Friends as well... Some of them are your worst enemies. And their advice is bias most of the time anyways... They gotta go too lol.
Alone time without kids is a must. You need that quality time, no tv no cell phone, no friends, just the two of you.
And for crying out loud.... If something bothers either one of you...TELL THEM... No one can read minds.
Do something special for each other every once in a while. Not just on holidays. It doesn't have to mean expensive gifts. Just something nice. The small things count the most. A flower a meal a favorite movie ... Anything.
I went through 3 years of hell, ( this is how i got fat lol) where my husband and I didn't think we would make it, and almost didn't. When one day it clicked... What were we fighting for? Money. So called friends..... What.. We're not even married to them , this is stupid, we got rid of the house, that cars, the so called friends and life was perfect again like when we first met. We are 1,000,000,000,000 times stronger and happier with out all the shenanigans and hoopla. Simple happy and in love... Laughing about growing old. I couldn't imagine being without him, and him without me. We are insanely in love and absolutely inseparable..

It's worth the fight. I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

MSeel1984 · February 2013

I think if things are understood prior to the marriage, a couple can work through a good deal.

I was honest up front about what my deal-breakers were and so was he...we have fights from time to time but we work through our problems.

Marriage counseling helps.

I do understand there are couples that just can't make things work...I don't know the context of your friend's problem but maybe the couple could look into therapy?

My marriage is still young (2 years), but I saw my mom and dad work through 40 years of marriage-many of those years not good, until my mom passed away this past Christmas. There were times I thought they would get divorced and honestly wished they would...but they managed to work through it.

It's a matter of communicating and deciding from the get-go that giving up isn't an option. You have no control over what the other person decides, of course. Dunno. It's a hard question

JUDDDing · February 2013

I do know one thing though, we both have the attitude that "I ain't a leavin' you babe". Works for us.

Been married 18 years - our attitude is more like, "You're not getting off that easy! The only way out of this contract is in a body bag."

But yeah, attitude is a HUGE part of it.

swordsmith · February 2013

23 years. Very bad rough patch at the 21 year mark and almost divorced. Enough blame on both sides.

Made it through and we are stronger.

jbutterflye · February 2013

... is what bwings us togethaa todaaay.

LOL!

mmddwechanged · February 2013

Together 25 years, married 23. So many challenges behind us. This is normal especially since people change and we were so you g, we didn't really know what we were getting into. We've stuck through hard times. I've learned to just enjoy life and what comes with it, most of which I have no control. If we both weren't so stubborn and faithful to our vows we wouldn't have made it. I am soooo grateful we did and feel very fortunate to have him with me.
There are no black and white answers, you can't make up a bunch of "deal breakers" without living it and its ok to leave someone you love.

Ocarina · February 2013

Married for almost four years so far! It is not very long but long enough especially when done at 20 to really know how its going to go.

Both my parents had a rough horrible marriage that they suffered through for 12 years.

I am absolutely enjoying my relationship and any problems are caused by myself, LOL! Thankfully I can be in control of that and he gives me a good reflection of what I am doing so I can reel myself back in when needed. We have suffered financial troubles to successes and have made a team effort towards life in betterment. We are doing very well at that and have the same goals. We are also Catholic and are both involved in the same church. We both are very involved in each other's families... He hangs out with my family by himself happily just fine and I spend time with his mother-in-law weekly on runs! :-) We also have a blast together with our families and even when they are negative or not on their best behavior we go home being very grateful we don't have those dramas.

I can have such intellectual conversations with my husband and even dumb ones too and they are always so nice... we are constantly bouncing off each other our thoughts. We share everything together and have so many funny inside jokes its hilarious. He spoils me rotten, trusts me 100%, lets me live out all my dreams and he won't hold me back, he just comes a long for the ride in our life journey, and is always in a wonderful mood and never angry or argumentative. He deals day to day with my flaws and good traits, takes me for good and bad... Loves me for who I am. I wouldn't change a thing about him and couldn't imagine life without him. I see why marriage can be such a great thing...

We are not all flowers and rainbows of course. We've had our hardships but they were all overcome and I'm sure more to come! It's a dynamic and always growing relationship.... open communication is key and you must be humble. Walk a mile in their shoes. And defend your values even if they clash with theirs. Always try to have a "we" attitude... over a "me" or "them".

Long post but I just wanted to say marriage can last but it is such hard work and is NOT something you can shelf for a day. Make sure you focus on yourself and give yourself some treats and stay busy. And always consider your spouse and how they would feel in your important decisions. Make sure to keep them a part of everything so they are involved! And DO NOT KEEP SECRETS and don't take life too seriously!!!

Marriage: Lasting or Not?

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