Are we teaching our kids to be too sensitive?
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I think it's okay that every kid makes certain teams, but I don't think coaches should be forced into playing every kid on the team (competetive teams).
Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.
As for the birthday parties - I feel like they're out of control anyway. Invite a couple kids. Send the invitations directly to their house and call it a day. No need to invite everyone, but excluding one kid is rude.0 -
Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.
This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.
I disagree... depends what we are talking about. I coach baseball and football for my kids teams and have been since they were 5... they are 7&9 now.
The early years of both sports are completely instructional... each kid gets a trophy at a pizza party at the end of the year. Kids learned how to play the game, parents did not murder the coach everyone goes home with a trophy. There is no sense in competition when a 6 year old is just figuring out how to tackle or how to correctly throw a ball.
But they move on... 3rd grade is when our programs move on to keeping scores and some level of stats with all star teams. End of the year they still get a trophy for participating.. again parents did not murder the coach have something for the mantle that signifies that... But teams win tournament trophies.
This year was the first my boys did wrestling... very different, there is always a winner and loser. Towards the end of the season we have been going to tournaments and Gold/Silver/Bronze medals are awarded... for each bracket. The brackets are balanced by weight and skill level... but some kids end up going home with nothing. Luckily my boys have been able to win something each time... that medal is a big reward in their eyes.0 -
Majority of the time, I'd rather my kids didn't get invited to bday parties.0
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Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.
Not all competitive teams cost a boatload of money. Being a part of a team does not mean playing in the games. I think that's where parents run into problems with this issue. It's okay to teach your child that being on a "practice squad" has its own value. Kids can make a team and be very useful without actually playing in any game. I think it's the parents who don't like this idea and pass that on to their kids.
My 13 year old is autistic. He tried out for football this year and made the team. He rarely played in a game. But, he practiced every day and practiced against the boys who played in the games. They had a winning season. I told him how important his role was to the success of the team. He was proud to be a part of the team. Now, if I had gotten all pissy about it and with the coaches, then David probably would have too. Why do parents do that to their kids?0 -
Our kids? With the number of grown adults that whine about mean people on this site, i have no doubt that our kids are going to grow up to be totally unprepared to face life in the competitive world where everyone isn't their friend. I watch the kid's baseball games where every kid gets to bat every inning and they don't keep score. that ain't baseball. And no, not everyone gets to go to every party. It's up to the kid's own parents to explain life to them as opposed to forcing every parent of a 5 year old to have 30 kids from school at every single event.
This.
Coming from someone who was always the, "Sorry, we ran out of invitations" or "You don't come to sleepovers, so we knew you just wouldn't come." It helped me figure out who my actual friends were at a very young age, that you WON'T be friends with everyone, etc.0 -
I dont do birthday parties for my kids inviting their school friends. Its just too much hassle with the drama queen mums at the gates wondering why their kid hasnt been invited and behaving like its some kind of personal vendetta against them. They have loads of friends outside of school so they aren't worried and I dont have to deal with sh!tty looks in the playground.Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.
This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.
Absolutely this^^ They get the things they want when they earn them, they understand they cant win or get top marks at everything but also that they dont get rewarded for failure, Ill say it was great that they tried their best but wont tell them it doesnt matter.0 -
Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.
This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.
I disagree... depends what we are talking about. I coach baseball and football for my kids teams and have been since they were 5... they are 7&9 now.
The early years of both sports are completely instructional... each kid gets a trophy at a pizza party at the end of the year. Kids learned how to play the game, parents did not murder the coach everyone goes home with a trophy. There is no sense in competition when a 6 year old is just figuring out how to tackle or how to correctly throw a ball.
But they move on... 3rd grade is when our programs move on to keeping scores and some level of stats with all star teams. End of the year they still get a trophy for participating.. again parents did not murder the coach have something for the mantle that signifies that... But teams win tournament trophies.
This year was the first my boys did wrestling... very different, there is always a winner and loser. Towards the end of the season we have been going to tournaments and Gold/Silver/Bronze medals are awarded... for each bracket. The brackets are balanced by weight and skill level... but some kids end up going home with nothing. Luckily my boys have been able to win something each time... that medal is a big reward in their eyes.
^ I agree with this sentiment completely.0 -
I 100% agree with the idea of schools not allowing invitations to be handed out during school. They have enough socializing issues without the potential of non-invites handle as well. I do think excluding the girls because (and since has backed this up) they have cooties, well that makes sense. Leaving one boy out seems mean. I appreciate that the kid cusses and I think it should be addressed, but not by ostracizing him.
While it's within rights not to invite the kid for any reason, if we're wondering when people should learn life lessons, why not teach that sometimes we associate with others we may not like, but because it's the kind thing to do. In the same vein, I rarely have had trouble addressing inappropriate behavior if I feel a parent is neglecting this duty. I do think ignoring it is okaying it and sometimes, it does take a village.0 -
Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.
Not all competitive teams cost a boatload of money. Being a part of a team does not mean playing in the games. I think that's where parents run into problems with this issue. It's okay to teach your child that being on a "practice squad" has its own value. Kids can make a team and be very useful without actually playing in any game. I think it's the parents who don't like this idea and pass that on to their kids.
My 13 year old is autistic. He tried out for football this year and made the team. He rarely played in a game. But, he practiced every day and practiced against the boys who played in the games. They had a winning season. I told him how important his role was to the success of the team. He was proud to be a part of the team. Now, if I had gotten all pissy about it and with the coaches, then David probably would have too. Why do parents do that to their kids?
I think we're talking about two different things. I'm not talking about competitive teams at all - and find that most don't have an "everyone makes the team" policy anyway. And in most cases, kids that aren't playing this year, end up playing next year after their practice improves their skills.
I'm talking about the 5 - 8 year olds, playing little league, etc. Usually costs a couple hundred bucks between fees, equipment, etc. And if the kid makes the team, the practices are usually a couple times per week (if that) with a game on weekends (sometimes practice is just warming up before the game once the season starts - so after the first month of practices, they never participate again if they don't get to play). I do think kids in those circumstances should get to play. Maybe some play more than others, but I seriously watched my cousin sit on a bench an entire season and get to play maybe a total of ten minutes the whole 2 month season. She was actually pretty good, not quite as good as the other kids, but she certainly never improved because she was never allowed to play. Her parents paid hundreds of dollars for the kid to sit on a bench and learn nothing (and get no exercise to boot), because she was hardly ever allowed to participate. By the time she was of an age to play competitive sports, she had given up baseball in favor of hockey, because they actually helped develop her skills and didn't just collect her fees, have her buy a bunch of expensive stuff and then pretend she didn't exist.
And for what it's worth, her parents never got pissy and neither did she. But had she been my kid, I probably would have asked for a refund and helped her find an activity that actually would have fostered...well...anything. Because she got NOTHING out of the experience.0 -
Yes, I dread the day my daughter goes to school. I wonder when school stopped being about education, and started being about feelings, and a social testing ground for certain ideas? They are talking about expanding the hours of school here. I wonder why myself, they are already not teaching the kids enough with the hours they do have, it seems school has become less about reading, writing, and arthmetic, and more about "team spirit" and "sensitivity to others". I guess we need to give our kids one more hours of knowing how to treat each other and that will solve all of our problems.
I graduated in 2002, and I think even in my days of school things were too touchy feely and I was one of the students that wasn't invited to birthday parties. I didn't understand why school was about "team work" "group thought" and "gym" when it should have been about educating my mind. I wish they'd emphasize individualism and not lump everyone together like lemmings. Ironically a lot of people think that this "touchy feely" approach makes kids more social, and inspires team work, from my experience the outcasts are still outcasts, and the in kids are still in kids, the out casts just get forced to work with the in kids and it inspires nothing.
As for teachers, my grandmother is a teacher, and they are doing us a great service but I am tired of hearing about the "poor teachers". You have twenty students that you can send to a principle office if they give you trouble, plus you can call their parents for support, or suspend them if they become enough of an issue. You have 4 weeks plus off for summer, two or three weeks during the school year off, countless other days off, vacation time, and an extremely good health care, and retirement plan considering what most people get. You only make 38K a year? Poor baby, you also get more benefits then ANYONE. Nurses make 35K a year, get every other weekend off if they're lucky, get very little for vacation time, save lives, and deal with 40 residents/people that are allowed to punch, kick, slap, cuss and treat them like general garbage. Then there's family members on top of that, and no one seems to complain much about what they get paid.
*deep breath* Sore subject.0 -
Not a problem unless it happens repeatedly. Not every kid gets to go to every party. I have had this discussion many times with my daughters, who have been on both sides - inviting a selected group and not getting invited to something. It sucks. It hurts. But I think the better lesson is teaching our kids about acceptance, hurt feelings, etc.
If one of my kids was not invited to parties repeatedly, I would investigate why that's an issue. I wouldn't go on a crusade condemning other parents, but probably talk to teachers and parents and see if it's something my kid is doing. Then look for ways to compromise (possibly attending the parties myself to help out). Sometimes it's just a matter of Chuck E. Cheese economics.
Self-awareness, accountability, personal responsibility, sensitivity to others - even little kids can grasp these concepts with some patience and creativity from the caregivers. In cases of special needs kids, it's still possible, though additional patience and creativity may sometimes be needed.
I think it's fine to encourage kids not to talk about a party at school unless everyone is invited. It's the same thing you'd probably do at an office, right? But expecting them not to talk about it all might be tough. OP stated kid was "chastised by his teacher for talking about his birthday party." I wasn't there (and I assume the OP wasn't either), but was this a case of a teacher simply telling a kid not to talk about a party in front of everyone? That's not chastising.
I am a firm believer that the "everybody wins"/"everyone is always included" approach is the easy way out for adults. There are ways to deal with losing/not getting invited that don't have to leave emotional scars. Both sides can learn from the experience (the inviters and those not invited). And the kids end up being better prepared for life.
Edited to add: "the easy way out" does not always mean the wrong way - only easier.0 -
People are tooootally too touchy with their kids now! When I was a kid, invitations sometimes went around and it hurt when one didn't come my way, but my mom took the time to teach me that they have their friends, I have mine and that everyone can't be invited along to everything. We were broke, so I understood that other mommies couldn't afford to invite me AND all those other kids.
What really grinds my gears though, is when some parent tells ME I can't do something infront of their child because the kid isn't allowed to. I'm sorry...I thought I was an adult and able to make my own decisions while the kid is...a kid...and is to be told "no". I find it's rare you hear children being told that word anymore and when someone in the world does for the first time, they are Sooooooo upset!!
In short, I think learning about loss and disappointment and differences at a young age is extREMely important. Parents are supposed to be the people preparing the child to become their own individual, an adult and a good person. How are they going to become this if they're accustomed to being hidden from anything that might "hurt their feelings" until they get into the real world?
RANT COMPLETE!
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OP, would you send out a few Valentines to a kindergarten class? Or would everyone get one?
For some children, kindergarten is their very first school experience. 5 year-olds are very concrete thinkers, developmentally. They can understand something earned, like a grade or an award. Birthday invitations aren't earned through effort, but only a measure of social acceptability. That is a pretty complex concept, one that no teacher has time to explain.
I think the lesson that should be learned at this age is discretion. Late 20's is far too old not to know better.
My kids have been taught that not everyone can be their friend, but they also have been taught how to let 'em down with a modicum of respect.0 -
I will hate to see what happens when our kids enter the real world where you have winners and loosers in sports and business, when you dont get invites t oevery thing your friends do
FFS my daughter didnt get an invite to here friends party, why kids will b kids, yea she was upset, we explained that it doesnt mean alot and that this time next weed it wont matter, and you know what?
they were best friends by the following wednesday again.
I'm so over the way we cant do this or cant do that becasue we might hurt some ones feelings
take a table spoon of concreat and harden the hell up0 -
I will hate to see what happens when our kids enter the real world where you have winners and loosers in sports and business, when you dont get invites t oevery thing your friends do
FFS my daughter didnt get an invite to here friends party, why kids will b kids, yea she was upset, we explained that it doesnt mean alot and that this time next weed it wont matter, and you know what?
they were best friends by the following wednesday again.
I'm so over the way we cant do this or cant do that becasue we might hurt some ones feelings
take a table spoon of concreat and harden the hell up
That should be every kindergarten teacher's credo. :-)
I actually agree with much of this. I am only saying that there is a difference between teaching oversensitiveness and teaching manners. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. My kids have 2-3 parties a weekend all February long...from this year's and last year's classmates. I am tired of inflatables and pizza.0 -
I love it when someone barges in and starts going "have you ever been the parent of that kid who wasn't invited?", you're exactly what we're talking about, the people who teach their kid that they're special above everyone else, not just special to you, but so special that they shouldn't be excluded or not-included from anything the other kids are/aren't.
I'll tell you now, I was the least popular kid my entire school life, I went from grade 1 through year 10 before I gave up and left the education institute, later to return as adult, but irrelevant. Some kids are just stuck in that situation, for example I was segregated in a difficult way, my father was an ex-con with tattoos all over his body, single father and every other teacher and single mother saw that and made immediate judgments upon his character. Not only this but those judgments made their way through them, to the kids and then me. How this effected me? well, imagine if someone starts a fight with me in the playground? I became the instigator. If something was stolen from a bad in the classroom? first suspect. Someone broke a toy or such and didn't immediately own up? you know who's getting interrogated first, because the absolute most obvious answer is the kid with an ex-con father, I mean it couldn't be the kid with a 2nd-coming-of-Jesus complex his mother gave him, could it? or the kid who's single mother on welfare somehow buys him the latest cloths and etc.. every week, worth hundreds of dollars?
Nope, definitely the kid who sits in the corner and says nothing, draws no attention to himself and never EVER fires back because he knows he'll never win, etc..
Trust me, if someone's rejected, they get used to it, they analyse what it means, how it came about and adapt accordingly, even if they're 6 years old, THEY WILL GET IT. Unless of course they're taught not to, all the time, and instead have mum/dad go and kick up a fuss every time their kid feels upset because reality smacked him in the face.
It's creating a whole new generation of mental disorders, just as kids being stopped from playing in sand pits now and stopped from touching animals is compromising immune systems since they're too clean and never develop fundamental immune system anti-bodies. They aren't going through the usual loop of rejections and social problems and end up wanting to end themselves at age 15 when hormones make the feelings THAT much worse.0 -
Because I'm 18 I am only new to the thoughts that accompany adulthood. But regarding my earlier childhood rules makes me think that I will not raise my kids so they are that sensitive
If my child had a good reason for not wanting certain kids at his her party then they will not have to invite them. When u reach high school, even middle school! Rules like that are thrown out the window and stomped on.
When I was a kid it was a rule in my house that if I was invited to a party by someone and I said no it meant I had to go alone or not at all because it would have been rude to say yes to someone else.
Now that I'm in high school a sketchy kid in my class asked me to prom. I politely told him no.
I now feel that I have to go stag because its rude to accept someone else's offer. ..
Not that anyone else would ask me anyway
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you ever been the parent of the ONE kid in the class not invited? I have, it is pretty horrible let me tell you and i am not one for making my kids soft, but he has ADHD and PSD and Mothers are quite often judgmental biatches and he is now 20 years old, with a good job and I am proud of him, but being the ONE kid that doesn't get invited? really? you would be OK with that if it was you? its OK if there are several others not going, you can explain that really easy, but the one?
This is upsetting to me.I would never allow my child to do this but on the other hand I'm not inviting 25 kids to a pay per child birthday party.
I'm planning a birthday party for my daughter now,she's turning 8.I am allowing her to pick three kids from school and one girl who is her friend who moved away,the rest are relatives.
And I will be emailing those in her class who are invited to avoid hurt feelings.
As far as not talking about it,That's a lot to ask of children.0 -
my girls' school has a rule that if the whole class isnt being invited, then invitations need to be given outside of school. no big issue for me - in fact i gave three out today to parents of kids my youngest wants at her bday party. 6 out of 26 kids are being invited because its a pay-per-kid deal at a movie theater. my oldest gets invited to parties that the youngest doesnt get to go to, and vice versa - and usually they get a bit upset about it at first. we have the discussion that not everyone gets invited to everything, and thats ok. sometimes we do something fun with the one that has to stay home, and sometimes we dont.0
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Ugh I feel bad for you! My mom used to deal with this ALL time, and if it got to a point where an angry parent would come to " tell you " why didnt my son/daughter get invited, then its theirs problem....0
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