He Doesn't Support Me...
Replies
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Do it for yourself, stop worrying about what he thinks. He will see it in the end that you did it.
But I know where he is coming from, as I was standing where he was with my husband promising me things over and over again then not sticking to it. Its hard to believe someone when they keep throwing the promises at you. I just stopped listening to the promises and let him prove me wrong, which he did and I'm very glad he did. Just stick with it... you will prove him wrong and that will be a good thing.
Good luck!0 -
But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try?
Idk why, that's a pretty crappy thing to do. He's your partner, he shouldn't be putting you down0 -
I think for people that have never struggled, there is also some element of thinking "if you can't follow through on this thing that primarily benefits you, what else are you going to drop in this juggling spectacle that is life?"
One key is to not expect others to talk about it constantly, like we tend to do when we are focused on something.
Set aside a time to talk to him about your goals and what you would like from him. Make sure it is a conversation that includes allowing him to express his frustrations and any necessary compromises. Let him know why it is important to you to try. Tell him what is different this time - do you have a new exercise plan? A new eating plan? A new stumbling plan?
With my partner, in addition to this talk, I had to spend a few weeks correcting him on my preferred wording: we don't talk about weight loss goals, we talk about health and fitness. A donut isn't detrimental to my weight loss, it is an iffy choice on my path to healthier eating, and I am responsible for my own choices. He isn't allowed to push me into working out, but he is welcome to suggest physical activity for us to do together. One time he even joined me in doing a workout when I was dragging my feet. Oh, and most importantly, I get the Wii whenever I want, as long as I am not a brat about it.0 -
I agree you have to do it for yourself but I also understand wanting his support. Because it's taken you a while to get to this point he may not realize how far you've actually come. Forget the stumbles along the way our that he thinks thou should be done by now, and you would be if you'd succeeded the first time you tried. None of that helps your progress or your morale. Just take it one small goal at a time. You are 68 lbs down! Awesome job. Remind him how close you are from closing in on 100 lbs. Unless he is an emotionally abusive *kitten* there is no way he can possibly disagree with what an accomplishment that will be. I would make a thermometer chart and hang it in a prominent place you know he'll see it daily. Every time you get a pound closer to that 100th pound, color in the chart with a red sharpie.
And bring it! Dont give up. Tell him you are treating yourself to a mani/pedi or a trip to the salon or a 1 hour massage when you get there. Once you reach that 100 just set yourself a goal of losing 10% of your body weight until you reach healthy weight. So when you are 212 just focus on losing the next 21 pounds. When you get to 191 just aim for the next 19 lbs, etc. You can do it. You ARE doing it.
You have to ask yourself, What am I willing to do to be goal weight and physically fit? Am I willing to live at maintainance for the rest of my life to stay there? Am I willing to workout even when it's inconvenient or I am tired or have lots of excuses? Am I willing to give up things? Like skipping dessert or eating rich, fattening foods? If you are willing to do those things to stay at your goal weight then u have what it takes to get there.0 -
Once you take control of your life, that will help you in this journey. Once I realized that no one was going to solve my weight problem but me, the pounds seemed to melt away. But the first thing I had to fix was my HEAD, not my stomach!
This was written by Jen, a MFP member who has lost 228 lbs as of today. Don't let what other's say affect you. Once you lose weight and more importantly get healthy, you realize that you are doing it for yourself and not for anyone else. Stay strong and stay on path. You have friends here to support you. Seek them. Good Luck!0 -
The Definition of Failure is not Failing but Giving Up when you have Failed…
You are still trying and that is all that should matter to him and 68 pounds is a HUGE accomplishment. HUGE.
Believe in yourself...and never give up
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Thanks for taking the time to encourage me and question me. I appreciate it.
You all right. It has to be about me, and it has to be for me. I am the only one that can do it for myself. Sometimes I think I lose sight of that, so thanks for reminding me.
It's not like he wants me to lose weight so he'll love me more. I think he's mostly bothered that I promised him I would do something and never did it. I get that. I just need to stop focusing on that, and I need to try and not let it bother me when voices his doubts in me. You all are right ... I just have to stop talking and finally show it. But it does have to be for me. And I do want it... I want it really badly.
Thanks again!0 -
I'm so sorry for you for not having an understanding Fiance'. He sounds a (sorry and forgive me for saying this) but, Laura, he's a JERK. One thing for sure.
For him to tell you to lose weight or I'll leave you. That's where he's so wrong to have said that in the first place. Men are like children sometimes. He's 5'6" and weighs 140, huh?????? Sounds to me that MAYBE he's too skinny.
Don't let him talk to you like you're NOTHING, because that's not right at all. No woman deserves to be talked by a man like that. No way.
I'm 5'0" and I weigh 217 or at least I did the last time I weighed myself.
The reason why I tell you this is, because I broke up with my Boyfriend, Brandon of 8 years, because he pressured me into things I was uncomfortable with and I didn't give into him. But the thing also is we had TERRIBLE Arguments about everything about 1-2 years before we broke up.
The one thing he Argued with me about is my weight. I felt fat and I have to lose weight, because there are Health Problems on my Mom's side of the family.
Brandon and I didn't see eye to eye as far as my weight was concerned and he too talked to me bad, not like your Fiance' did you. But Brandon did say some hurtful things, that made me not want to Exercise. I just lost Energy to even do so.
I would not put up with a man to talk to me in a bad way.
Laura, you need to take time to lose weight slowly. Make a Goal for yourself each Month, if that's what it takes.
Don't make Promises to anyone, but yourself. There's no need to feel nervous, because you "have to" to lose weight by a certain time, because someone told you to.
Laura, I don't want you to be mad at me, because of what I told you. I wouldn't say something to someone to upset them or make them mad at me. I'm just saying those things to help you.
I hope this helps you, Teresa.0 -
I agree with olores. This is YOUR journey, not his. If he doesn't want to support you, that's his problem. My husband is like that. He didn't believe me and the small times that he's home, he always want unhealthy things. I usually drop off when he's home & try to get back on it when he's gone. It's not easy. Right now I don't have any motivation to walk or eat right, but I keep on logging my food and reading the support from my "friends" on MFP. I'm not giving up yet. I gained 7 lbs during Thanksgiving and Christmas & have not taken it off yet. HOWEVER, I will do it. You just keep trying!!!0
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I've struggled with my weight all my life. I met my fiance 3 1/2 years ago when I weighed 312 pounds at 5'6. He is also 5'6 and weighs 140. Our relationship was good, and he's even the reason I was able to go from 312 to 270 in just a few months.
After the initial loss, I slacked and stopped trying as hard. I was happy, and I just started making excuses about my weight and losing it. "Just this one time I'll cheat or skip the gym".... which always turned into weeks at a time.
And then I would feel bad and gross enough to try to lose weight again. And I would fail. Maybe I'd lose 5 pounds, but then I'd go back to eating crap and being lazy.
And my fiance would get frustrated with me, and then I would get defensive and just make things worse.
We would end the argument with me promising I would lose the weight. (It wasn't like a "Laura, you better lose this weight or I'm leaving you" kind of thing. It was more like a "Laura, you said you were going to do this, and you need to do it to be healthy" kind of thing.
I promised him several times (stupid, I know) that I would do it this time. He eventually just stopped believing in me - which has leaked into most aspects of our relationship.
I haven't promised anything like this to him for over a year now, but it doesn't matter. It's just as if I just broke the promise again. I'm still struggling with my weight. It's really really really hard for me to stick with it. A few years later, I'm only at 244 if that tells you anything.
But the way I see it, I'm still going down. I'm slowly losing it, and I really truly feel like my breakthrough is here. I know that I'm changing, but he still doesn't believe me. He says he won't believe me until I actually do it. Fair enough.
But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try? I get that he doesn't trust me, and that I caused him to feel that way, but why does he discourage me on the days I feel the strongest and most confident about what I'm doing?
Of course I'm afraid I'm going to fail again, but I have to at least try.
Am I missing something here?
Okay, I'm going to start by saying congratulations on an incredible SIXTY EIGHT POUND LOSS. WOW! That's wonderful, fantastic, great! It's something to be proud of.
I'm going to segue into telling you that him flat out telling you that you're going to fail is a jerk move and is very likely not helping your fears of failing again. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy, if you will.
Middle filler about how if you're going to do this, it should be for you, not him. For you, not him. For YOURSELF. Because if it's for anyone else, it's probably not going to happen.
And, of course, end it with:
SIXTY EIGHT POUNDS LOST is an incredible accomplishment and more than proves that you're capable of it if you WANT to do it. For yourself.0 -
You've lost almost 70 lbs, but he doesn't believe you're changing? =/
I'm at my wits end with my husband. He is so unhealthy. I don't care that he's fat. He's unhealthy. At risk for diabetes, might even have it right now, he's being checked out. He has a fatty liver. High blood pressure. He just doesn't get it! We have two kids and one on the way and I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I can't make him change if he doesn't want to, but I want him to wake the hell up.0 -
I'm so sorry for you for not having an understanding Fiance'. He sounds a (sorry and forgive me for saying this) but, Laura, he's a JERK. One thing for sure.
For him to tell you to lose weight or I'll leave you. That's where he's so wrong to have said that in the first place. Men are like children sometimes. He's 5'6" and weighs 140, huh?????? Sounds to me that MAYBE he's too skinny.
Don't let him talk to you like you're NOTHING, because that's not right at all. No woman deserves to be talked by a man like that. No way.
I'm 5'0" and I weigh 217 or at least I did the last time I weighed myself.
The reason why I tell you this is, because I broke up with my Boyfriend, Brandon of 8 years, because he pressured me into things I was uncomfortable with and I didn't give into him. But the thing also is we had TERRIBLE Arguments about everything about 1-2 years before we broke up.
The one thing he Argued with me about is my weight. I felt fat and I have to lose weight, because there are Health Problems on my Mom's side of the family.
Brandon and I didn't see eye to eye as far as my weight was concerned and he too talked to me bad, not like your Fiance' did you. But Brandon did say some hurtful things, that made me not want to Exercise. I just lost Energy to even do so.
I would not put up with a man to talk to me in a bad way.
Laura, you need to take time to lose weight slowly. Make a Goal for yourself each Month, if that's what it takes.
Don't make Promises to anyone, but yourself. There's no need to feel nervous, because you "have to" to lose weight by a certain time, because someone told you to.
Laura, I don't want you to be mad at me, because of what I told you. I wouldn't say something to someone to upset them or make them mad at me. I'm just saying those things to help you.
I hope this helps you, Teresa.
Did you even read what she wrote? Her fiance is not your ex.
@OP: firstly, you have done wonderfully and WOW you have lost a LOT of weight. Well done! Your fiancee probably sees you being more and less committed, and maybe he knows that you really wanted this and still do! He's probably spoken without thinking, which is a bit unfair - you've lost a lot of weight and are putting your money where your mouth is! However, the top and bottom of it is that he probably just wants you to be happy.
Commit to yourself and don't be afraid of "failing". Part of success is continuing even after you have a slip-up, and we all do slip up! Good luck!0 -
The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?
Just a little different perspective.
Also losing 68 lbs is still a huge accomplishment!
this0 -
Men are like children sometimes. He's 5'6" and weighs 140, huh?????? Sounds to me that MAYBE he's too skinny.
Judgy people are judgy. 5'6" 140 is perfectly normal and healthy. I'm 5'10" 160, and there's plenty of chub to lose.
To the OP, it sounds like you have promised him something a bunch of times and he's just tired of hearing it. It's not about him, it's about you. He met you at your current weight, so he has no business in trying to get you to change - but I don't sense he's trying to do that. that. I sense you feel like you don't deserve him, are apologetic about your weight. Stay your current weight and insist on being loved for you, or get more fit to make yourself happier. Trying to please others will kill you inside and sometimes, you don't really know what will please them.0 -
Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!
^^^This
Agreed! Just concentrate on yourself for now0 -
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NOTBONJOVI WROTE:
"'Once you take control of your life, that will help you in this journey. Once I realized that no one was going to solve my weight problem but me, the pounds seemed to melt away. But the first thing I had to fix was my HEAD, not my stomach!'
This was written by Jen, a MFP member who has lost 228 lbs as of today. Don't let what other's say affect you. Once you lose weight and more importantly get healthy, you realize that you are doing it for yourself and not for anyone else. Stay strong and stay on path. You have friends here to support you. Seek them. Good Luck!"
I have heard something similar from everyone I know who has managed to lose a significant amount of weight -- and to maintain that weight loss. The psychological piece is key. (Thanks for sharing this.)0 -
From the sounds of things, your boyfriend is a real a-hole. Excuse my language.
What he is doing is sabotaging your efforts and your self-esteem, which in turn does nothing for your confidence and self-worth.
Its a pernicious form of bullying, it is juvenile and it is no way to treat someone you love.
Don't put up with it. Give him the ultimatum.
Wishing you all the best,
Ben0 -
Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!
Yup. Let him see for himself just how serious you are.0 -
Honey you have come a long way. Slow weight loss is the best for the body and skin. If he is holding you to a promise about losing weight...that is sad after you have lost so much. He accepted you at over 300 and now your in the lower 200's. He should be singing your praises. The reason I say this is I met my husband and gained 120lbs through 9 years of him stressing me out. My health is so bad now I can barely walk . We have our problems but he never makes me promise to lose it. I think he/your man must be insecure. The old saying using reverse physiology . You know when someone knocks you down you dont feel like trying....and sounds like it might be what he wants....fear of losing you !0
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