My wife hates my weight loss
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jomtois
Posts: 22 Member
Hello,
I've been logging into MFP continuously for about a month and a half now, have tracked my eating and exercise faithfully, have been under my calorie goals about 95% of the time, and have gotten into the habit of daily exercise. Since adopting these healthier lifestyle changes, I have lost 14 pounds so far and I have been feeling better than I have in ages. The support from other people on here is fantastic and I have been drawing on that for motivation and support.
However, I am looking for some advice regarding how to handle a little problem that has cropped up on the homefront. Now that my weight loss is visible, my wife (who has struggled with obesity herself for her adult life) has told me that she is jealous of my weight loss and is resenting me for it. We had a frank discussion about it last night. Although I won't get into all of the details of the conversation, one thing she said to me is that by me looking better and losing weight it is causing her to feel worse about herself which causes her to eat more. She says that for every pound I lose, she is gaining another herself.
I know this is a touchy subject for women, especially from their husbands, so I have tread lightly around the subject. I know she is an extremely emotional eater (which is not the case for myself, making it hard for me to relate on that point). I feel bad that she is turning something that is very positive for me personally into something that is harming her. I don't think she is trying to manipulate me or consciously trying to sabotage my progress. I am not trying to convince her to follow my lead and try to be healthier, although I told her I would be supportive if she chose to do so on her own. I know that she would need to make the decision and commitment herself if that was something she was ready to do. She works a stressful job, is going through a rough time with hospitalized family members, has non-obesity related medical problems, and we are in the process of adopting a child. I can see where as an emotional eater that would make things seem more difficult to overcome. Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else.
I do all of the grocery shopping and cooking so I have at least some control in providing healthy meals and limiting the availability of unhealthy food in our house. Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them. I fear that the frustration in that causes her to binge on crap when I'm not around, perpetuating the cycle. Although I don't buy junk, she manages to acquire ice cream etc. somehow and that ends up in our freezer. That is not a temptation to me (no sweet tooth to speak of) but I am still a little disappointed when it happens. Of course saying anything about it would only make it worse.
I know there is an element of selfishness needed by me to continue on my path, and I am trying not to be too influenced by what she is telling me. I am trying to just set a good example. However, I know I would do even better if she was being supportive rather than jealous. I would love it if she would make some small steps in the right direction herself, but she has herself convinced that she is doomed to failure no matter what. She says it is just easy for me. I have explained to her how NOT easy it has been for me. There has been a lot of hard work and sacrifice I have had to make to get even this far.
Has anyone had a similar situation, or been in my wife's position previously? If so, what kind of advice would you give to me? I feel like I am really struggling to do what's right. Part of me wants to continue on my path, but it pains another part of me to think that what I am doing is going to cause her harm. I know we are all ultimately responsible for the choices we make for ourselves, but I am still human and I do have compassion for how she is feeling.
If you read this far, thank you for your time.
I've been logging into MFP continuously for about a month and a half now, have tracked my eating and exercise faithfully, have been under my calorie goals about 95% of the time, and have gotten into the habit of daily exercise. Since adopting these healthier lifestyle changes, I have lost 14 pounds so far and I have been feeling better than I have in ages. The support from other people on here is fantastic and I have been drawing on that for motivation and support.
However, I am looking for some advice regarding how to handle a little problem that has cropped up on the homefront. Now that my weight loss is visible, my wife (who has struggled with obesity herself for her adult life) has told me that she is jealous of my weight loss and is resenting me for it. We had a frank discussion about it last night. Although I won't get into all of the details of the conversation, one thing she said to me is that by me looking better and losing weight it is causing her to feel worse about herself which causes her to eat more. She says that for every pound I lose, she is gaining another herself.
I know this is a touchy subject for women, especially from their husbands, so I have tread lightly around the subject. I know she is an extremely emotional eater (which is not the case for myself, making it hard for me to relate on that point). I feel bad that she is turning something that is very positive for me personally into something that is harming her. I don't think she is trying to manipulate me or consciously trying to sabotage my progress. I am not trying to convince her to follow my lead and try to be healthier, although I told her I would be supportive if she chose to do so on her own. I know that she would need to make the decision and commitment herself if that was something she was ready to do. She works a stressful job, is going through a rough time with hospitalized family members, has non-obesity related medical problems, and we are in the process of adopting a child. I can see where as an emotional eater that would make things seem more difficult to overcome. Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else.
I do all of the grocery shopping and cooking so I have at least some control in providing healthy meals and limiting the availability of unhealthy food in our house. Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them. I fear that the frustration in that causes her to binge on crap when I'm not around, perpetuating the cycle. Although I don't buy junk, she manages to acquire ice cream etc. somehow and that ends up in our freezer. That is not a temptation to me (no sweet tooth to speak of) but I am still a little disappointed when it happens. Of course saying anything about it would only make it worse.
I know there is an element of selfishness needed by me to continue on my path, and I am trying not to be too influenced by what she is telling me. I am trying to just set a good example. However, I know I would do even better if she was being supportive rather than jealous. I would love it if she would make some small steps in the right direction herself, but she has herself convinced that she is doomed to failure no matter what. She says it is just easy for me. I have explained to her how NOT easy it has been for me. There has been a lot of hard work and sacrifice I have had to make to get even this far.
Has anyone had a similar situation, or been in my wife's position previously? If so, what kind of advice would you give to me? I feel like I am really struggling to do what's right. Part of me wants to continue on my path, but it pains another part of me to think that what I am doing is going to cause her harm. I know we are all ultimately responsible for the choices we make for ourselves, but I am still human and I do have compassion for how she is feeling.
If you read this far, thank you for your time.
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Replies
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You need to do this for yourself and your wife sounds slightly selfish for even sharing those thoughts without thinking they would cut a little.
Also "Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them." sounds more like your wife was happy being the size she was and was comfortable that you were both in the same boat. Now that you're not it's not all jealousy, it's resentment because you're 'spoiling' the comfortable place she was in.
If you are cooking the meals etc it isn't too much of a leap for her to just stick to what you're making for dinner etc.
Maybe workout her ideal intake with her and show her what she can/cant have for that amount in food and get her to help cook/make lunches to make her feel like she's involved and that you will support her in her weightloss too if she really wants to tackle it.
Otherwise how bad is it going to be when you get to goal?0 -
You sound like a very caring and supportive partner. If you think this has the potential to affect your wife's health significantly, your health significantly (in terms of your ability to stay on track in achieving your weight loss goals), or your relationship (by becoming a source of friction), it might not be a bad idea to talk things through with a couples' counselor. I've been married for over 25 years and we've been to couples counseling the odd time over minor issues. It's a great way to work through things that might otherwise take a toll on a happy marriage. Just a suggestion.0
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I have had struggles like this myself. My husband and I have been dealing with our weight issues seperately for years. There have been times when he's done really well, and I've been struggling and vice versa. You need to remember that you are NOT causing her problem. You stated yourself she's been struggling with this for years. In my honest opinion the longer you keep on the path of being healthy and taking care of yourself, the more likely she is to jump on board with you. It isn't always easy to eat the right thing, or to make the choice to exercise, but it's the best thing. I feel badly for you that she's telling you that with every lb you lose, she's gaining one, that sounds really manipulative to me. I'm sorry she isn't being a stronger support for you through this, but you can do this anyway. It might take some time, but I really really believe she'll come around. I've lost 56lbs so far, and finally FINALLY my husband is on board. It took months. I would sit and watch him eat an entire pizza by himself while I ate a salad, and sometimes it was brutal. But every day I woke up and did the right thing, ate healthy, exercised, took care of myself, and omg, now he's doing the same! I really think it got to the point where he was jealous enough of how good I was looking that he just HAD to do something constructive about it, lol. You have to keep on with this. You are NOT causing her harm by being healthy. Read that again, ok? You are NOT causing her harm by being healthy. That's just her guilt trip on you (even if unintentional) because you're doing what she wants to do, but doesn't yet feel capable of. Honestly, think about it. There is always stress in life. There are always struggles, and hurdles. You have to be willing to walk the harder path, even if that means that the people around you aren't as supoportive as you need them to be. You're down 14lbs, and I imagine you feel great, right? It only gets better. You are doing awesome. Keep it up, don't give in to this. I know it's hard, being married can be hard in itself, lol. You can continue to do this. You need to KNOW, and feel in every fiber of your body that being healthy is the RIGHT thing, and no one should ever convince you otherwise.0
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I can see you are a caring spouse. Your wife may be suffering from depression. It would be so cool if we could all get on the same page at the same time, but that is not usually how it works. Keep the communication up with your wife, but get your weight loss support here. She may eventually come around. My husband did. Have you seen the substitute or swap list? Take a look at it....volunteer to do some of the cooking, and make those meals healthy. Your wife might get motivated when she sees that this does not have to be painful, and also when she gets that she is not competing with you. I used to get upset when my husband would not work out with me....I had to find neigbors, friends, and puppys to walk or work out with. My husband has accepted my lifestyle, and doesn't conciously sabotage me, though he does it unconsciously sometimes. Weight loss can be very emotional for women...we are all a little nuts. It can be a very sensitive topic.0
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Honestly, if my wife acted that way I'd be so pissed off and angry at her! As it is, I'm amazed at how not angry and how compassionate you are about it. It sounds to me like this is the kind of situation you should see a couples counselor for. There must be some issues going on for your wife to be willing to hurt you in this way. On the surface she is coming across as very childish, but presumably there is a reason. You both need to get to the bottom of it before she emotionally sabotages your hard work.
Gosh, just imagining my wife acting that way makes grrr! As it is, she is very supportive and accommodating. She has been letting me pick the restaurants we go to, and she hasn't yet complained about my food selection process at restaurants as I sit there on my phone studying and logging nutrition information for a few minutes. Just yesterday she encouraged me to go work out since she saw I was getting antsy about not having an opportunity.0 -
It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.
If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.2 -
Do you think there are any opportunities to include her in the new lifestyle? The shopping? The exercise? The meal preparation?
I have seen these tactics work with children.
Maybe walks together will help with the communication while also allowing for some quality time.
Do this for you. Please be strong. :flowerforyou:0 -
Your wife is being honest with you. She has problems. She is not selfish, she is scared and proud of you. Maybe she doesn't want to embarrass you. You're her best friend. She should tell you everything.
Now, you have been excellent and successful. Help her. You are her rock! Make her meals, server her portions, pack her lunch, make her breakfast's the night before, dance with her when she is hungry, walk with her.
You can save her. I do it for my husband. I make him healthy lunches everyday, I make him healthy fun dinners, I make him excellent overnight oatmeal in a jar.
Make it fun. Cook together. Hold her hand when she is scared.
Ice cream isn't ALL bad, so buy a "lower fat" or controlled portion for her. Serve her the portions. Make it fun. Don't make it an "all or nothing". What if someone did that to you when you first got serious about this? Small improvements will work. But it takes time.2 -
I have had struggles like this myself. My husband and I have been dealing with our weight issues seperately for years. There have been times when he's done really well, and I've been struggling and vice versa. You need to remember that you are NOT causing her problem. You stated yourself she's been struggling with this for years. In my honest opinion the longer you keep on the path of being healthy and taking care of yourself, the more likely she is to jump on board with you. It isn't always easy to eat the right thing, or to make the choice to exercise, but it's the best thing. I feel badly for you that she's telling you that with every lb you lose, she's gaining one, that sounds really manipulative to me. I'm sorry she isn't being a stronger support for you through this, but you can do this anyway. It might take some time, but I really really believe she'll come around. I've lost 56lbs so far, and finally FINALLY my husband is on board. It took months. I would sit and watch him eat an entire pizza by himself while I ate a salad, and sometimes it was brutal. But every day I woke up and did the right thing, ate healthy, exercised, took care of myself, and omg, now he's doing the same! I really think it got to the point where he was jealous enough of how good I was looking that he just HAD to do something constructive about it, lol. You have to keep on with this. You are NOT causing her harm by being healthy. Read that again, ok? You are NOT causing her harm by being healthy. That's just her guilt trip on you (even if unintentional) because you're doing what she wants to do, but doesn't yet feel capable of. Honestly, think about it. There is always stress in life. There are always struggles, and hurdles. You have to be willing to walk the harder path, even if that means that the people around you aren't as supoportive as you need them to be. You're down 14lbs, and I imagine you feel great, right? It only gets better. You are doing awesome. Keep it up, don't give in to this. I know it's hard, being married can be hard in itself, lol. You can continue to do this. You need to KNOW, and feel in every fiber of your body that being healthy is the RIGHT thing, and no one should ever convince you otherwise.
Thanks for this, this is kind of what I was hoping for. I am glad to see that this is something that someone else has been able to successfully navigate. I am really trying to set the good example and hope it motivates her as well, but as of yet is has been seeming to backfire. I will stay the course.
My only other example on this situation has been with my own parents. My father has always been very conscientious about diet and exercise and is the most self-disciplined person I know. My mother has always been very obese. She has given some half hearted attempts at being better many times over the years and has always reverted to her old ways. She has never been able to follow in his footsteps and be healthy. In fact, she openly resents it and mocks him about it. He has had the tenacity of a saint to be able to stay the course for himself over all of these years without regard to her hurtful commentary. I will admit, being the child, it sucked when he would prioritize his exercise regimen over spending time with his family (which still occurs every time we visit). I think he may be a little overboard or using it as an excuse to avoid social interaction, but that is another issue.
I really fear becoming them. It is an example of what you have said not working at all...of course their situation is different and they are different people than we are.0 -
I am an old school and believe the man should be the leader of the home.
Man up and continue to be an example of healthy living. Hopefully your wife will eventually come on board.
Continue to support your wife and take walks with her and cook healthy tasting meals.
Good luck1 -
She feels threatened.
Going through her mind, "If you lose the weight and she does not, will you look elsewhere?"
Talk about it. Quality of life, new family, healthy family activities are important subjects.
You are not just losing weight yourself, but cooking for her.
Ask if she wants to take evening walks with you.
If you plan a vacation, make it one with activities.
I have seen men who feel threatened by the wife's weight loss.
More sex is great exercise and reassuring as well.0 -
It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.
If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.
I think this is pretty close to her mindset. I love my wife dearly, but if she has a character flaw to work on, it would be that she gives up on things if they are not easy and don't provide instant results. As most of us on this site know, that just isn't the way it works.
She is not subconsciously fearing I will leave her if I look better, she states it outright. I assure her as much as I can that this is not the case and I will always love her no matter what. I do like yours (and others) suggestions of trying to involve her more. Although I think that will be a little touchy to approach.0 -
I am single...so can't relate to the wife part.
I will give you my two cents though. Your wife sounds like she is being pretty selfish. I mean if you are not constantly on her case about losing weight with you, and you are doing this for yourself then what concern is it of her that you are losing weight?
I think that what is going on here is that as long as the both of you were obese, then she could use that as an excuse to continue doing what you all were doing and stay obese...kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy that kind of went like "well we will both always be obese because we cannot lose weight for x, y, z reasons...
Now however, that you are losing weight and she is still obese this has kind of destroyed the self fulfilling prophecy and the excuses for being obese can no longer be used.
I think that you should keep doing what you are doing and led by example. Perhaps her repeated attempts to sabotage your weight loss will make her jump on and you can then both do this together..
I am sure there is also a jealously element because as you start to look and feel better other woman will more than likely notice..not saying that is why you are doing this..just saying that it is a natural outcome that people will notice what you are doing...0 -
Just maintain your unconditional love. She'll either join you, or she won't. If you try to force her, she'll rebel, it's human nature. You love her no matter her shape, that's pretty obvious. Keep up your program, because you need to be the best you can be to be strong for your family.
It took me a full month to get on the program my husband joined. I haven't looked back (Oh, OK! I'm jealous of his earlier start date). We are different people. He loves to exercise, I just don't. He listens to be complain consistantly, and never says a word. Just keeps encouraging me, and having my back.
Would.not.be.here. if not for his gentle encouragement and his leading by example.0 -
Family is sometimes the biggest obstacle to making serious life changes. You are strong now and not tempted by junk food because you are still in your honeymoon phase of your weight loss journey. But somewhere around your first plateau it becomes very easy to lose focus.
I started MFP last May and my Husband followed my lead last July. He closed his account here sometime in January, and is beginning to regain the weight he lost using the excuse that he can't benefit from the program until he has more time to work out and more money to buy sports supplements.
I've also plateaued through the winter. But I'm sticking to logging and keep working out. He is very supportive and likes that I'm taking an interest in my health and fitness. He respects my requests to keep my trigger foods out of the house (most of the time). If he didn't I doubt that I'd be able to continue long term. When someone so close to you isn't on board with your health and fitness goals, it is nearly impossible to succeed in that kind of environment unless you are very, very strong and have a good support system outside of your family.0 -
The fact that you guys had a conversation about it is a HUGE step. My husband and I just drifted apart more and more as I got more into fitness. We ended up almost splitting up 6 months ago and are now working on repairing our marriage. He did/does resent my weight loss and the confidence that comes with looking and feeling better. After a year and half of my weight loss, he is finally starting to try to make his own changes. He has cut back sugar and tries to eat better and exercise. Be understanding of her position and hopefully as she sees your continued success she will try more. Hope it works out for you two.0
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Hi,
She should sit back and realize that maybe she should join you instead of trying to sabotage you. Change is hard for someone when they have been stuck in their ways for so long. I think what she actually hates is that you have found the motivation and dedication to change yourself which somehow she can't find. Don't let her keep you down. You have worked hard to be where you are. I hope somewhere down the line both of you can find a happy medium and perhaps start a new healthy life TOGETHER.0 -
Man thats tough and I ive never been in such a situation so take my advice with a grain of salt. But ive heard this before and a lot of people seem to agree its probably her thinking you are leaving her behind, will stop loving her, and find a new woman. So I guess you need to assure her thats not going to happen. Or if you think it might let her know. She will either get really pissed (well probably either way she will) or it will motivate her to lose herself.
I guess it really depends on you, and your tastes in woman. But I would say you need to be really honest with yourself and her.0 -
Sounds like she may be afraid that you will leave her if you start looking hot(ter) and become more appealing to other women. Since you are planning an adoption, she likely fears she may become a single mom some day.
You seem like a caring spouse, so just reassure her of your commitment to the marriage. Remind her that, for you, losing weight is more about health and less about vanity; that you want to live a longer life WITH HER.
By including her in your new lifestyle, she won't feel so abandoned, so be as transparent as possible, too. If you have a lot of female "pals" on MFP, she may be jealous. Encourage her to open her own account here and let her see for herself that there's nothing going on except support and motivation from your pals.
Please don't think I am blaming you - It's not your fault she feels this way, so don't blame yourself, either.
You've only been at it for a short time, so give it more time, keep doing the best you can with this new healthier lifestyle, and she will come around. Your example may just be the motivation she needs to do this for herself.
Good luck and God bless.0 -
I can understand your wife's point of view, as well as yours. My husband has always been thin and fit (well, actually he's underweight and really needs to gain a bit of body fat), and I have, at least in recently years, always been the chubby wife. I totally get how upsetting it can be to feel fatter than your husband. BUT, that doesn't mean that she shouldn't support you in your journey to get healthier just because she can't do the same for herself. Maybe it's time you sit down and explain to her that part of your reason for wanting to get healthier is to set a good example for her, because you could both use some healthy choices in your lives. Don;t tell her she's fat, but tell her that you can see she is unhappy with her weight/appearance, and that the binges and eating crap is only making it worse. I get the emotional eating thing, as I eat when I am bored or feeling lonely, but it IS something that can be overcome! Let her know how much you care about her, and that you want to get healthy with her. Make it something you two can do together!0
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