My wife hates my weight loss

I was your wife 20 months ago. I had convinced myself I was just destined to be fat and that it was impossible for me to lose the weight. I was (and still am) an emotional eater so I know exactly where she's at. I tried before and failed and had given up hope. It seemed too hard. Now I'm smaller than I was in high school.

The thing that helped me was finally realizing that 80% of weight loss is what and how much you eat. When I started, I didn't do any diets or restrict myself from any foods and I didn't exercise regularly. I just aimed to eat no more than my calorie goal and exercised if I wanted to earn more calories so that I could eat more. I lost 30 pounds in six months just doing that and then I was hooked. Plus recognizing the triggers that made me want to binge helped me out a lot as well and I'm not nearly as bad at the emotional eating as before.

But it is something that your wife has to choose for herself. My friend is going through something similar with his wife who is doing what I used to do (exercise a bunch, but then eat a ton and wonder why the weight isn't coming off as much). All you can do is be supportive and be there for her though it sounds like she may need to see a therapist who can help her out with some of the emotional issues that are contributing to her eating habits.

Introduce her to MFP, encourage her to at least set up an account so that she can at least find other women on here who haved shared her journey. That may also help her see that it is possible.

Yeah, your wife is selfish. I would LOVE for someone to shop and cook healthy meals for me! And, who doesn't want a healthy and fit husband? Don't let her put you on a guilt trip. Her gaining weight is NOT your fault. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she will join you.

Misery loves company, friend.
Maybe shes too afraid to take the first steps and doesn't realize you're both in it together--or at least you could be.
You keep going and do not feel selfish! She is ashamed of herself and will not change until she has had enough.

I'll admit that I've been in your wife's position. While I'm not obese I'm not in "good shape" and I've been much more overweight than I am now. Also, I "married up" meaning that my partner is MUCH better looking than I am. I'm not saying that to elicit compliments - it's just an important part of the facts that might help you understand where I was coming from. It is not uncommon for someone who knows me but not my partner to proclaim with much surprise: "Oh My - he's SO good looking" upon meeting him. My partner's job is much more active than mine and he gets to leave home for 24 hours at a time and sort of just focus on work, himself and his buddies. I work full time and my office is based out of my home. I have three kids; eight years apart so they are all at very different stages of life/development. One boy who tends toward the chubby/lazy side, one girl who is naturally skinny and scrawny and one girl who is curvy. Not only are they different ages but their bodies are very very different as well. We are both blue collar workers without much wiggle room in the overall budget.

Ok. I think you’ve got the background so let me be clear – I Am Not Complaining. I Am Not Throwing Him Under The Bus. I Am Not Fishing For Reassurance. I Am Not Placing Blame On Him. I’m just trying to help you understand where I was coming from.

He always found ways to make a healthy lifestyle work for him. Sometimes I resented the way he “found a way”. After his 24-hours shift he and his friends would hit the gym or go for a run. He loves the latest fads in ‘health’ and would get sucked into any and all newfangled gimmicks. He would pop over to the health food store and buy supplements or shakes. He would make his own ‘meals’ on his days off. He would go out for long runs when he was home. He made his health a priority.

Here’s why I used to resent it. I work full time too – my office might be based out of my house but it doesn’t mean I don’t work. When he was at work for 24-hours I was not only working full time but also single parenting. When he would find time for the gym or for long runs it meant I was (again) working and single parenting. He would pick up supplements or shakes but without regard for the overall budget or realizing that he was (a) setting a terrible example for our children who saw daddy doing diet stuff instead of eating with the family and (b) buying things that were antithetical to anything helpful to anyone else. He’d make his own meals but these would adhere to whatever latest craze was afoot, again setting a poor example for my kids, each of whom need a very different caloric intake. It took me a long long time to realize I was punishing myself by being frustrated with these things.

It took me years to nail down the information in that last paragraph but once I did I was able to talk with him about how his “priorities” were affecting me and the kids. It took a bit longer for him to come to grips with it. He didn’t want to let go of the latest fads and he didn’t want to admit that his wants interfered with the family budget. He had a really hard time admitting that when he ‘took care of himself’ by going to the gym or going on long runs; he was inadvertently telling me that his time to take care of himself was more important than being with the family and that he was sending the message that his time was more important than mine. He didn’t stop to think about the three kids and their very different needs and what his message to them might be through his behaviors.

We kept talking and creating little plans to even things out a bit – making sure that there was a budget he would work within for his supplements and shakes, making sure that he could find time for the gym and runs that didn’t interfere with family time and making sure that sometimes he took the reins so I could have time too.

At first he decided I’d just join in with him. But I’m not a band-wagoner so taking supplements beyond a vitamin (maybe) just wasn’t something I wanted to do more less drinking algae or doing a cleanse or whatever new thing he was up to. I’m not a runner – I couldn’t keep up with him and when I needed to stop and walk a while he’d get frustrated that I wasn’t trying hard enough. We moved our workouts into a gym that we both joined and tried to do partner exercises but I wasn’t able to keep up and it affected the quality of his workouts. We found a different gym where he could go lift or do cardio while I took a dance class. We went for hikes and he let me set the pace rather than runs where he set the pace. We chatted with our family doctor about what’s really healthy with all the supplements and diet stuff. We ate family meals together, leaving his “I need to eat a ½ carton of egg whites and a large can of tuna and a flax seed, fish oil mixture” for when the kids were at school.

We’ve worked through this for the most part. I had to admit that it didn’t do anyone any good for me to be jealous of his ability to find time and stay fit. I had to stop being angry and start being a problem solver. I had to stop being a martyr and start being proactive and empowered. I also had to stop deciding that I was the out-of-shape-ugly one in our duo and start making the healthy choices that worked for me. I had to find the healthy lifestyle that worked for me and learn how to make that time a priority.

It’s working much better now and I am hoping that my little tale – from the opposite prospective – might give you some insight into what your wife might be feeling. Feel free to have her friend me on here.

This is my partner and I just last night at a concert.

I know it's very easy to think that your wife is being selfish, but really she is just hurting and finding it hard. Try not to take it personally, and understand that she is finding it difficult. It just be hard watching someone achieve something you've wanted to achieve for years, and jealousy is a horrible emotion!

On the other hand, do not feel selfish for continuing with your success. In the end, it can only go two ways... She will leave you or join you. Hopefully it will be the latter. Set an example for her and be understanding

Bump to read replies and add own later

I'm going to quote something that you wrote...

" Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else."

They are EXCUSES! Although they may add to our problems, when you take an honest look at them, stress is an excuse, family problems are an excuse, what every we can justify in our mind to allow us to overeat is an excuse, nothing more, nothing less. When we're fat, obese or whatever you want to call, we are always looking for "excuses" to eat! That way we can justify to ourselves all that food we put in our mouths.

We can blame anyone or anything that we want, and if it sounds good in our mind, it seems to make it ok. But we all know that it's not. Like you said, your wife has to be the one to decide that she wants to change too. You can't make her do it. It's like telling an alcoholic to quit drinking, it doesn't work unless they are ready.

I wish all the luck with this, all the support from the MFP folks is great, but it's even more so when the people close to you support you too!

It sounds to me like your wife has some self esteem issues and maybe if got on board with you and lost some weight, they would start to decrease. You're doing the right things, and no matter what, stay on track.

Bottom line is we are the ones that are responsible for ourselves!

so i didn't make it through everyone's posts and maybe this has already been put out there, but here goes...

I was in a similiar situation as your wife. My husband decided he wanted a gym membership for x-mas and started going pretty regularly. I was happy for him, but there was a part of me that panicked a little, thinking he was gonna look great and I would still be super overweight. I hated the idea that people might wonder how on earth I got him (let me insert here that I'm fully aware I married some arm candy, i just didn't want it to get worse).

So i joined MFP for like the 3rd time. and it's awesome and I'm doing it for myself now instead of out of fear of him getting better looking. But I have to be honest that a few years ago I might have been more like your wife. After years of working with therapists and as a therapist I have a better understanding of my emotional eating habits and use a lot of mindfulness and coping skills to get through stressful events that used to drive me to the ice cream tub.

Your wife might need to talk to someone - someone who can work through her responses to emotional events, her body image and self-esteem. While you can love her and be supportive of her until the cows come home it won't change that her coping skill right now involves a fork.

It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.

If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.

^This. When my husband joined the Army, he cut a lot of weight and I was at my highest weight ever. I worried that he would start to think less of me because now he was accomplishing something that I just didn't seem able to do. I worried that he would start to notice the thinner fit girls more.

With a lot of encouragement, he started taking me out with him when he went jogging. I couldn't jog, but I would walk while he did. At first, I resented the fact that he was so much more fit than I was. In the beginning, I could only walk for a 1/2 mile before I was exhausted. I almost gave up several times. I had crying and screaming "I can't do this!" fits. What kept me going was his constant encouragement and his reminders that he wanted to be able to do this WITH me. That was my main motivation. I wanted to be able to go for bike rides with my hubby, and maybe even jog with him someday.... and let me tell you, on the day that I was able to finally jog along side him for 2 whole miles, everything I had done to get to that point was well worth it. I have never felt more accomplished in my entire life.

I'm going to be blunt, because that's who I am: your wife has issues, and she needs to deal with them. You have a goal and desire to be healthy, and you need to focus on that and let her come to her own conclusions. She has the choice to eat better and exercise -- so that is up to HER to do. You can't tell her how to run her body, and vice versa. She needs to back off and let you do what you need to do for YOU.

I think it's highly unfair and selfish of her to lay her emotional issues on YOUR back. They are HERS to own, not YOURS to manage.

Now, I want to mention I have said this in previous threads: there is a sense of co-dependency in relationships where obesity is an issue. I've seen documentaries about this very problem -- one partner starts to lose weight, the other gets jealous or threatened, and the relationship starts to unravel. The skinny guy who loves taking care of the immobile woman -- once she can get up and move around, the skinny guy is no longer needed and his sense of purpose is lost. The obese husband loses weight, the obese wife automatically assumes the guy will leave or cheat, and the marriage implodes. This is just like any other addictive situation - only food is the drug.

You are awesome! Hands down....

I am sure like all of us, your wife wants to be healthy, fit and lose weight. So why she hasnt gotten on with it is bc (i) she doesnt think she can do it without huge emotional cost, (ii) she doesnt know how to do it. So if you can just keep talking about what you are doing, up her on the science, just weave in more and more into the conversation, tell her about the latest success story you have read, etc.....WALKS are great....

Good luck. With your attitude and kindness, I am sure you will find some gentle solutions to bring her along

So much supportive, caring advice. There is truly nothing I can add to what has been said, other than this: I wish you well.

You sound like a really caring man, and I wish you continued luck on your weight lost journey.

Some of the responses on here shock me, though, about how horrible your wife is being.

At least from a quick read, and I do admit I may have missed something, it sounds to me like she intially just was expressing her feelings regarding it: ie jealousy and such. Which is a very healthy thing to be doing. Would it be better for her to store it up? Whether people agree with it or not, or understand it, that is how she is feeling. She may or may not be trying to change that feeling, but either way, it is how she feels.

It does sound like she needs some assitance. Emotional eating is a terrible thing that frankly, if you or anyone else doesn't do, you simply can't understand. I have done extremely crazy, mean things that I don't even understand myself and have had points in my life where I felt totally out of control. I've felt just like your wife has when I was in a relationship with a guy who could literally give up drinking beer and drop 15 pounds and I would go to the gym every day and eat stick and birdseed all the time and maybe clock 2 pounds a month. I definitely felt twinges of jealousy and resentment despite caring for him. And despite being ashamed of those feelings.

One thing to maybe suggest to her are groups like Overeaters Anonymous. It actually does work. Unfortuantely she has to be willing and open to going to a support group.

Either way, congrats on your success! It is so hard to be losing weight and have to face the disappointment and negative feelings of others, its a total buzz kill. Good luck!

Better yet, go to www.zumba.com, and look for classes in your area. Or you can get her a zumba DVD. That's all she needs! Lolol...From the zumba queen!

I think you being this aware and concerned with how your wife is handling your weight loss is pretty incredible and it sounds like you are doing your best to be supportive of how she feels. However it is her decision to live the way she is living, not to say that stress and other elements are not a factor because what is going on in your life good or bad, it will definitely impact how you eat or don't eat.

Being a woman is hard period. But we make our own decisions every day and if your wife is feeling bad about how well you are doing then she needs to jump on that band wagon and get healthy with you! She is making the choice NOT to help herself and while I do sympathize because we all want to be the perfect versions of ourselves, she has got to want it, otherwise even if she does lose the weight it won't actually be a success for her. To be blunt she needs to either start towards a healthier lifestyle for HERSELF not for anybody else or she needs to shutup and be there for you! I know how important it is to have the support of someone else especially the person you are living with. Hope that helps