My wife hates my weight loss
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I'm pretty blunt and outspoken, so here's my advice
First, you have to do what's best for you to be healthy and able to be there for her. Her self-image and emotions about food are not your cross to bear. If you were thin and ate whatever you wanted in front of her while she was trying, that might be something to look at, but that's not the case. When my wife and I started this together we also read Melody Beatties Co-Dependent no More together. (It helped us understand our relationship with food and each other) I strongly urge you to read it yourself and it will help you deal with your feelings about what she is projecting on to you and it is clear that is what is happening. As you gain health both physically and emotionally she will either fall farther away until she hits her bottom and decides to change or hopefully she'll decide to grab onto your path sooner and find some relief for herself. There's more than food at stake here, but do what you need for you to be whole and happy and the world around you will more manageable and amiable to you. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.0 -
Everyone has given a lot of good advice. What sticks out in addition to what's been discussed is that you're in the process of trying to adopt a child. It would be great if your wife decided to work on being healthier and more active to give your future child the best life possible.
I always knew my weight was way too much (who doesn't?)...but the thing that registered with me and made me serious about losing the pounds was to figure my BMI and obese just wasn't something I wanted to be. I even celebrated when I met my first goal of being "overweight". Sounds crazy but it meant I was healthier than before. And it helped with some medical issues...no more hip and leg pains when I went to bed. All of a sudden I realized I wasn't taking aspirin or Tylenol p.m. to be able to sleep. And I've cut back on my T2 Diabetes meds. All good results from better food choices and some light exercise.
I'm dealing with the same situation as you, but in reverse. i also try to fix healthy meals but, ultimately, it's the other person's choice if they really want to get on board.
Good luck!0 -
Your wife is being honest with you. She has problems. She is not selfish, she is scared and proud of you. Maybe she doesn't want to embarrass you. You're her best friend. She should tell you everything.
Now, you have been excellent and successful. Help her. You are her rock! Make her meals, server her portions, pack her lunch, make her breakfast's the night before, dance with her when she is hungry, walk with her.
You can save her. I do it for my husband. I make him healthy lunches everyday, I make him healthy fun dinners, I make him excellent overnight oatmeal in a jar.
Make it fun. Cook together. Hold her hand when she is scared.
Ice cream isn't ALL bad, so buy a "lower fat" or controlled portion for her. Serve her the portions. Make it fun. Don't make it an "all or nothing". What if someone did that to you when you first got serious about this? Small improvements will work. But it takes time.
this ^^
what a lovely kind man you are xxx tackle it with love x she is scared and insecure and when you're feeling bad about yourself you take it out on the closest person to you xxx
tell her you love her and want her to get healthy and live a long time too, because you love her - it'll sink in eventually xx0 -
Better yet, go to www.zumba.com, and look for classes in your area. Or you can get her a zumba DVD. That's all she needs! Lolol...From the zumba queen!
She does enjoy zumba. She was just starting to do it once in a while before she had major leg surgery a year and a half ago. That has prevented her from doing much exercise, which is just another wrinkle. But maybe some modified zumba could be arranged. She is chummy with the local zumba queen, so that helps. 0 -
WOW!!! Wait, what, adopting a child?!!! THINK about THIS...you guys are going to bring another Human Being into THIS environment>>>Consciously. All I can say is, "It is NOT the kids, it's the Parents" whatever ever the problem ends up being!
Are you kidding?? They are talking about their problems and he seems to be a caring, supportive husband. I can only imagine he would be the same as a father. What his wife is going through does not mean that she would not make a good mother!0 -
once you start looking hot,,, of course, she will hate it, natural.0
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WOW!!! Wait, what, adopting a child?!!! THINK about THIS...you guys are going to bring another Human Being into THIS environment>>>Consciously. All I can say is, "It is NOT the kids, it's the Parents" whatever ever the problem ends up being!
Are you kidding?? They are talking about their problems and he seems to be a caring, supportive husband. I can only imagine he would be the same as a father. What his wife is going through does not mean that she would not make a good mother!
She already is an excellent mother, the best I could ever hope for for the son we already have. I thought this trollish commenter was being a douche but I ignored it. Thank you for being my pitbull.0 -
I am an old school and believe the man should be the leader of the home.
Man up and continue to be an example of healthy living. Hopefully your wife will eventually come on board.
Continue to support your wife and take walks with her and cook healthy tasting meals.
Good luck
^^^^^^yeah this!
Don't get derailed, and don't feed into her pity party... not good for either of you. I think someone else said it, this is manipulative talk by your wife and she probably does not even know she is doing it. Continue to lead the way and encourage her to do the same to the best of your ability.. but whatever you do, don't stop doing the right thing.. that's never the answer!0 -
I can understand your wife's half hearted attempts. It is hard. Especially if you feel like you are making no progress.
My husband can say he wants to lose weight and poof!! 10 lbs gone with little effort. It takes much more for me.
I have been trying to lose weight for the last 10 years and always give up because I feel like I am starving and don't see the results on the scale. I lose 5 and gain 10 and on and on for years.
I have never been a calorie counter until I started using this program. I just tried to follow other diet plans, atkins, south beach, quick weight loss.
But.......since counting calories, I have discovered how I can lose weight and still eat whatever I want. I had chocolate on Valentines, I had lasagna last night and was still down this morning. I just save up calories when I know I want to eat something special.
Show your wife how to do that. She won't feel like she is giving up anything. And I bought a scale that shows 1/10 of a pound. So as long as I see results, even minor, it keeps me motivated.
Just a suggestion.
Good luck!0 -
WOW!!! Wait, what, adopting a child?!!! THINK about THIS...you guys are going to bring another Human Being into THIS environment>>>Consciously. All I can say is, "It is NOT the kids, it's the Parents" whatever ever the problem ends up being!
Are you kidding?? They are talking about their problems and he seems to be a caring, supportive husband. I can only imagine he would be the same as a father. What his wife is going through does not mean that she would not make a good mother!
She already is an excellent mother, the best I could ever hope for for the son we already have. I thought this trollish commenter was being a douche but I ignored it. Thank you for being my pitbull.
You're welcome! :-)0 -
This is exactly how my bf and I are, except I grocery shop and cook. I am EXTREMELY jealous of my bf's weight loss. I am happy for him, but it brings up issues of my own. I insecurity, self-hatred, etc. I have discussed it at length with my bf. he is also upset that I cannot be supportive like he wants me to be. it isn't that I do not want to, I just have trigger issues that this brings up. So my counselor said it is best to keep things separate. I have told him I will not stand in his way to lose weight, but he MUST find other support. Neither of us are being selfish---we are being realistic in that we know we cannot be 100% of everything our partners need. He cannot support me on my weight loss, either. he insists on pointing out where I can do better and where I am failing instead of just listening to me. I have my emotional and mental limits and he has his, so we have agreed that in the best interest of our health AND our relationship, that we do not share what is going on.
And one last thing....she is dang lucky she has someone to cook for her! My bf has told me that me cooking all of his food for him is INSTRUMENTAL in his huge weight loss so far.Your wife is being honest with you. She has problems. She is not selfish, she is scared and proud of you. Maybe she doesn't want to embarrass you. You're her best friend. She should tell you everything.
Now, you have been excellent and successful. Help her. You are her rock! Make her meals, server her portions, pack her lunch, make her breakfast's the night before, dance with her when she is hungry, walk with her.
You can save her. I do it for my husband. I make him healthy lunches everyday, I make him healthy fun dinners, I make him excellent overnight oatmeal in a jar.
Make it fun. Cook together. Hold her hand when she is scared.0 -
Come on everyone. Enough of this boo hoo, feel bad for his wife crap. She is jealous because she doesn't have the motivation to get her lazy butt and do the work it takes to lose weight. She is clearly selfish.
Bet you're not in a relationship are you.0 -
There are two things that scare me the most: 1.) I will lose him because he will no longer like me because I am so much fatter than he is, and 2.) he will leave me in the dust because I cannot keep up with him anymore.
I sympathize with your wife SOOOO much and I sympathize with you as well. most likely, your wife feels guilty that she feels this way, compounding the problem even more, Weight loss of a significant other is like a family member winning the lottery while you work 2 jobs to make ends meet. You are happy for that family member, but you cannot help but want what they have. And men have a MUCH easier time losing weight, that it is very hard to watch you melt the pounds off by doing little in comparison to what a woman has to.0 -
one thing she said to me is that by me looking better and losing weight it is causing her to feel worse about herself which causes her to eat more. She says that for every pound I lose, she is gaining another herself.
Dunno if this has been said by someone else but the above statement is clearly emotional blackmail. It's up to you how you deal with this.
You could also try using the adoption to your advantage. After all, I'm sure you want to set a good example to your son/daughter by living a healthy lifestyle and being able to help them with sports etc. This is a big motivator for many people with kids to lose weight.0 -
This message board says "MOTIVATION AND SUPPORT". It doesn't say CRITICISM. Some of these comments should have been kept silent.
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Yeah, your wife is selfish. I would LOVE for someone to shop and cook healthy meals for me! And, who doesn't want a healthy and fit husband? Don't let her put you on a guilt trip. Her gaining weight is NOT your fault. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she will join you.
Agreed!0 -
This is a hard situation. In a way, I have been on both sides of your dilemma.
As someone who is a compulsive eater and who has been overweight for the majority of my life, I understand the shame that your wife is feeling as she watches you lose weight as she gains.
Many people who are compulsive eaters and who have been obese for most of their life have have some very deep emotions and shame is one of the most intense. Shame is the hardest emotion to bear, and the biggest trigger for compulsive eating for me. It is really hard to watch someone who has engaged in your "shameful" behavior with you for a long period of time, thus making it less shameful, suddenly abstain from that behavior, which makes it more "shameful" to continue engaging in it.
It is also very difficult to watch someone else lose weight in a seemingly effortless manner, when you have never been able to successfully lose weight. It makes you feel like a failure and lowers your already-low self esteem, which triggers more compulsive eating.
Now that I'm on the other side, where I eat healthy and track my food, while living with a husband who is a bit picky and loves junk food, as well as an extremely picky daughter, I understand your point of view. Maintaining my weight loss, making time for exercise, and eating healthy food is very important to me. There are times when my husband and daughter want to eat junk or would rather I didn't take time away from the family to go work out.
My husband and I used to fight a lot -- so much so that we separated for a year. I think that one characteristic that is commonly shared by compulsive overeaters is co-dependency. The thing that we learned while we were separated is that we are two individual people with different needs, yet we are both competent, capable and able to meet our own needs. What my husband chooses to eat, or how he chooses to use his free time (on the couch), are his business. What I choose to eat and how I choose to use my free time (at the gym) are my business.
It took us a long time to learn that not everything the other does needs to be personalized by the other. Ultimately, your wife needs to realize that she is responsible for the choices she makes regarding food, weight and health. What you eat or don't eat is not a direct condemnation of her lifestyle, and vice versa. If seeing you make positive changes and lose weight triggers negative emotions for her, she needs to own that. The emotions that drive compulsive eating and shame are not logical emotions, and those of us who suffer from them should not logically expect others to alter their course in order to be accommodated.
I found great benefit in seeing a counselor who specializes in disordered eating. I would highly recommend that you respectfully suggest to your wife that she find a counselor to help her through this. You are not her counselor, and although you love her and want to support her, her food issues are not yours to sort out.
Keep doing what you are doing. You deserve support and encouragement to reach your goals as much as she deserves support and encouragement to deal with her food issues. Although you are married, you both need to seek that support from others at this time, as you are at cross-purposes. Be kind and loving, but maintain your healthy lifestyle and independence. Let her be an indendent being at this time as well, and let her learn and grow by taking responsibility for her issues, health and eating, too.
Beautifully said. I have been a binge eater since I was very young, so I relate to this all too well.
My brother was in a similar situation with his wife years ago. He stopped working out and gained more weight...I hope you can stay focused on your goals and not let your wife's jealousy and insecurities dictate your health and wellness, especially since you two are adopting a child.0 -
This message board says "MOTIVATION AND SUPPORT". It doesn't say CRITICISM. Some of these comments should have been kept silent.
YES - this is lovely0 -
This message board says "MOTIVATION AND SUPPORT". It doesn't say CRITICISM. Some of these comments should have been kept silent.
YES - this is lovely
Agreed0 -
Wait! Did you say you do the shopping AND the cooking? Where do I sign up for this arrangement?
I do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking now. There's the three of us here including an 18 year old son who can pack food away like a horse and not gain a pound. He's like me at his age. Eat whatever he wants without worry. Over the last 20 years of our marriage my husband and I have lost weight and gained weight, usually not at the same time. I'd get on an exercise kick, which would motivate him to do the same. If I stopped, so would he it would seem. When he'd get on one I have to admit that would not motivate me to get off my butt. But we accepted each other at any weight. If one of us lost weight and was looking good, the other would genuinely compliment the other. When we married we were told we were an attractive couple. We're not spring chickens anymore though. For both of us, it has become more about health and what those extra pounds and eating crap can do to the body than it is about physical beauty or attractiveness. I'm not sure where you are in your marriage journey or if your wife worries that your weight loss may mean compliments from other women and the like. If that's the case she may be very insecure and afraid of losing you if you start looking really hot. She may resent that you are looking better and she can't or won't or doesn't want to even try to lose weight. That's HER issue though and that's something she is going to have to work out in her head for herself. If you do all the shopping and the cooking, it would be "here's what's for dinner babe, enjoy" and leave it at that. If she complains then tell her she can always cook her own dinner. If she buys ice cream on her own I would not even acknowledge it. If she is anything at all like me, any kind of nagging or even gentle persuasion will have the opposite effect than what you want. She's got to decide to get healthy for herself.
I guess my husband and I came from backgrounds where when dinner was served, you ate what was put in front of you, period. And you didn't constantly complain about what was for dinner either. It was insulting to our moms who took all that time to prepare the meals. When I was a kid if a meal was served that us kids really didn't like for whatever reason, my mother would tell us to go eat cereal then. LOL! Sorry but I am just incredulous that you are doing all the shopping, planning and preparing the meals and your wife is complaining. But then again I've always thought of food as fuel. I confess that I don't seem to enjoy eating like most people do. I generally only eat when I get hunger pangs that I can't ignore anymore. I'd hate to have to take the time out of my day to eat. In fact I usually do not eat any solid food during the day except for dinner. I'm wired differently than most I guess. (So why am I here having to lose 40 more lbs? Combo of medication issues and that I found out I was drinking most of my calories with tons of coffeemate french vanilla creamer, and learning what a portion really means and what a healthy filling dinner is.) I don't understand emotional eating because I'm not an emotional eater but it sounds as if your wife has an unhealthy relationship with food. Her self esteem is crap and seeing you looking better makes her feel even worse about herself. Life is changing, you are eating healthy and she is terrified of thinking life will be meaningless if she can't eat the crap that she loves and makes her feel better in the short term.
Not sure what the answer to this is but I'd remain on your plan because you have to take care of yourself regardless. We have this one life in this one body. She may surprise you and come around at some point. We all have our ah-ha moments that wake us up and force us to do something about it. Mine came one month ago when I sat on a HiGi machine at our local pharmacy. Measures BP, weight and BMI. The machine stated I was in the "obese" category. It bothered me so much I finally got serious. It wasn't my husband, or my doctor, or a picture of myself. Not even the fact that I avoided looking in the mirror before getting in the shower. I knew I was fat. For some reason it was that machine and seeing in a graph what my BMI was. Who would have thought? Not me.
Good luck and keep going! You can support your wife. You can love her. But you can't make her lose weight. You can only change your own behavior.0 -
Both my husband and I gained some weight after we got married, but I resented how his young man's metabolism allowed him to lose it all rapidly when the snowboard season got started, while I logged hours at the gym, and felt that I was getting no results. It's all insecurity, and yes, it is selfish, but there's just the underlying fear of becoming undesirable and being left for someone else.
If you remind your wife that you love her, you find her beautiful, and that you will be with her no matter what, and tell her this regularly, then you are holding up your end on making her feel secure--the rest is her insecurity that she has to wrestle with on her own. She will begin her fitness journey on her own time, at her own pace. It is tricky to offer opportunities to be active without looking like you're suggesting she should lose weight. Perhaps suggesting something fun and romantic is a good way to start, like a walk on the beach or taking a couples dance class. When you have these discussions about your weight loss, just emphasize that she is free to make her own choices, and you'll love her in any case. Remind her that the exercise makes you feel good physically and mentally, and it can allow you to be a happier, healthier husband who can be fully present wife, and God willing, for more years into the future than if you were to neglect your health.0 -
You aren't selfish bettering yourself, becoming healthy and trying to live a healthy life, a LONGER life, with your wife. I think your wife is making excuses. She has everything in you... an great example, an awesome supporter, someone cooking her healthy meals and an exercise partner. It doesn't get any better than this. I think she should jump on board, join your train.... you two losing weight together will bring you closer. Having someone beside you who knows exactly what you're going through will motivate you and help you achieve your goals. Good luck...
.. and yes, tread lightly... weight is a touchy subject when it comes to women. Make sure you love her unconditionally as she is. Losing weight will will just bring you two a bunch of extra bonuses
AND... have her join mfp. Have her take a look around the site. There are so many inspirational people here, so many great stories of heartbreak, reaching bottom and turning things around. It's never too late!!!! Tell her to friend me, too 0 -
Misery loves company, friend.
Maybe shes too afraid to take the first steps and doesn't realize you're both in it together--or at least you could be.
You keep going and do not feel selfish! She is ashamed of herself and will not change until she has had enough.
She may also be afraid that you will grow away from her.0 -
Better yet, go to www.zumba.com, and look for classes in your area. Or you can get her a zumba DVD. That's all she needs! Lolol...From the zumba queen! She does enjoy zumba. She was just starting to do it once in a while before she had major leg surgery a year and a half ago. That has prevented her from doing much exercise, which is just another wrinkle. But maybe some modified zumba could be arranged. She is chummy with the local zumba queen, so that helps.
Lol. She could try zumba gold. It's more modified for older people, but it would also be good for those of us with joint issues. I'll probably be doing it before too long!0 -
Unfortunately it sounds like she has bigger issues than her weight and eating habits. Her eating is so intertwined with her emotions. I empathize with her somewhat because I used to feel similarly. Honestly it sounds like she could stand some counseling. She sounds depressed and like she feels hopeless about her situation. She needs to realize that eating will not make her feel as good as exercise would, and that your self improvement is no slight against her, but that's easier said than done.
You sound like a very supportive and kind spouse. I do think she'll come around eventually, but she definitely has some issues to work through. This is the big difference it seems between men and women losing weight though. Guys have a much easier time just deciding to lose weight whereas women often have a lot of emotion and self esteem issues to deal with first/concurrently.0 -
First of all it is great that you are doing so well, don´t let it all go back to what it was. You are doing what is best for your own health. As an adult I think she should be glad you are thinking about your health but I still can understand how she feels. But we all have to be responsible for our own health, not let others control us.
Try show her what she can do, include her into your rutines to begin with.
She shouldn´t use her own vulnarability affect you and make you feel bad. If she does that then she needs help and it is good for anyone to have someone other than a spouse to talk to about so many things.
Motivate her to get going on her own journey0 -
I am an old school and believe the man should be the leader of the home.
Man up and continue to be an example of healthy living. Hopefully your wife will eventually come on board.
Continue to support your wife and take walks with her and cook healthy tasting meals.
Good luck
^^^^^^yeah this!
Don't get derailed, and don't feed into her pity party... not good for either of you. I think someone else said it, this is manipulative talk by your wife and she probably does not even know she is doing it. Continue to lead the way and encourage her to do the same to the best of your ability.. but whatever you do, don't stop doing the right thing.. that's never the answer!
I don't think his wife is being manipulative. My husband posted in this thread earlier, and I like what he said...he has lost TWICE as much weight as I have and we started the same day. My activity level has been higher and I've already plateaued so I have to do something different, and at times, I GET JEALOUS AND FEEL DEFEATED. But, that's the emotional part of me. The LOGICAL part of me knows that a middle aged woman going through menopause will have a much harder time losing weight, and will do so at a much slower rate.
He sounds like a supportive husband, who is in love with a wonderful woman. Even with the issue, I can see from his posts that she loves him. She should not be portrayed as a villain or selfish; that isn't why he made the post. I believe that any posts that depict her as such is not helpful. He should keep on the path, and continue to uplift and support without succumbing to pitfalls.0 -
I've not had a chance to read quite everything people have said but what I have mostly sounds really supportive and I hope you manage to keep going. Maybe someone has said this before but I thought I'd offer a small suggestion.
You say you cook dinner and she might be frustrated at the lack of carbs/portion size. Have you tried slightly modifying her portion by increasing portion size, adding extra carbs or extra cheese or something? That way, she might not get so frustrated and binge afterwards when she's alone. While less healthy than your meals, if she can be more satisfied by dinner it will still be better for her than binging afterwards. And like someone said, try having healthy snacks around (e.g. healthier ice creams/sorbets/frozen yoghurts) that she might snack on.
I'm also an emotional eater and I totally emphasise with your wife on those issues. For other issues, counselling has really helped me so I second everyone who has said that. Couples counselling also sounds like a good idea.
Good luck! Xx0 -
Surprised no one brought this up, what about wearing a fat suit?
On a serious note, this is emotional blackmail, and because of it one of you will be resentful. You years down the line if you went back to eating crappy and gained weight. Or her for you becoming slimmer and healthier.
The same way she dropped the hammer on you, you might want to consider returning the favor about how sad YOU will be if you go back to your old habits. If that doesn't help her see that you matter too, it might be time for counseling or worse.0 -
My husband lost weight recently. He and my son do adkins diet and I hate it. My husband lost weight quickly and I was so jealous, I wanted to lose weight but I knew I could not do it his way.
I asked my gym director for advice and he gave me this website. Everyone has to find what works for them. This works for me.
Just letting you know how I felt. It makes you so mad to see someone else lose weight when you want to but cant find a way so she needs to start doing her homework and finding out what works for her. If she wont you just have to set a good example, enjoy your weight loss so much she will want to find a way to lose her weight. LIKE WEARING THOSE SUMMER CLOTHES!0
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