My wife hates my weight loss

Both my husband and I gained some weight after we got married, but I resented how his young man's metabolism allowed him to lose it all rapidly when the snowboard season got started, while I logged hours at the gym, and felt that I was getting no results. It's all insecurity, and yes, it is selfish, but there's just the underlying fear of becoming undesirable and being left for someone else.

If you remind your wife that you love her, you find her beautiful, and that you will be with her no matter what, and tell her this regularly, then you are holding up your end on making her feel secure--the rest is her insecurity that she has to wrestle with on her own. She will begin her fitness journey on her own time, at her own pace. It is tricky to offer opportunities to be active without looking like you're suggesting she should lose weight. Perhaps suggesting something fun and romantic is a good way to start, like a walk on the beach or taking a couples dance class. When you have these discussions about your weight loss, just emphasize that she is free to make her own choices, and you'll love her in any case. Remind her that the exercise makes you feel good physically and mentally, and it can allow you to be a happier, healthier husband who can be fully present wife, and God willing, for more years into the future than if you were to neglect your health.

Misery loves company, friend.
Maybe shes too afraid to take the first steps and doesn't realize you're both in it together--or at least you could be.
You keep going and do not feel selfish! She is ashamed of herself and will not change until she has had enough.

She may also be afraid that you will grow away from her.

Unfortunately it sounds like she has bigger issues than her weight and eating habits. Her eating is so intertwined with her emotions. I empathize with her somewhat because I used to feel similarly. Honestly it sounds like she could stand some counseling. She sounds depressed and like she feels hopeless about her situation. She needs to realize that eating will not make her feel as good as exercise would, and that your self improvement is no slight against her, but that's easier said than done.

You sound like a very supportive and kind spouse. I do think she'll come around eventually, but she definitely has some issues to work through. This is the big difference it seems between men and women losing weight though. Guys have a much easier time just deciding to lose weight whereas women often have a lot of emotion and self esteem issues to deal with first/concurrently.

I am an old school and believe the man should be the leader of the home.

Man up and continue to be an example of healthy living. Hopefully your wife will eventually come on board.

Continue to support your wife and take walks with her and cook healthy tasting meals.


Good luck

^^^^^^yeah this!

Don't get derailed, and don't feed into her pity party... not good for either of you. I think someone else said it, this is manipulative talk by your wife and she probably does not even know she is doing it. Continue to lead the way and encourage her to do the same to the best of your ability.. but whatever you do, don't stop doing the right thing.. that's never the answer!

I don't think his wife is being manipulative. My husband posted in this thread earlier, and I like what he said...he has lost TWICE as much weight as I have and we started the same day. My activity level has been higher and I've already plateaued so I have to do something different, and at times, I GET JEALOUS AND FEEL DEFEATED. But, that's the emotional part of me. The LOGICAL part of me knows that a middle aged woman going through menopause will have a much harder time losing weight, and will do so at a much slower rate.

He sounds like a supportive husband, who is in love with a wonderful woman. Even with the issue, I can see from his posts that she loves him. She should not be portrayed as a villain or selfish; that isn't why he made the post. I believe that any posts that depict her as such is not helpful. He should keep on the path, and continue to uplift and support without succumbing to pitfalls.

Surprised no one brought this up, what about wearing a fat suit?

On a serious note, this is emotional blackmail, and because of it one of you will be resentful. You years down the line if you went back to eating crappy and gained weight. Or her for you becoming slimmer and healthier.

The same way she dropped the hammer on you, you might want to consider returning the favor about how sad YOU will be if you go back to your old habits. If that doesn't help her see that you matter too, it might be time for counseling or worse.

You seem to be doing a good job not only of loving and communicating with your wife, but also of sifting through the crap in this thread.

You sound like you have a great marriage with good communication. It's hard to have our SO tell us something like this, but if it's honest, it's not emotional blackmail or manipulation. It's an honest sharing of what she's going through.

One thing to keep in mind is that not everyone loses weight via the same method. It sounds like your eating plan doesn't work for her. Part of that is undoubtedly psychological. I know that if I weren't allowed to eat a little bit of junk...even every day...as long as I'm within my calorie deficit, I couldn't do this. Maybe you could serve some carbs for her and make a favorite meal of hers occasionally...maybe once/week or month. That might help her stop binging on the side.

Make sure you are letting her know every day how beautiful and wonderful she is. Don't just tell her, show her. We women need that. My bf does a great job of letting me know he finds me attractive...I see it in his face as well as his words and actions.

Does she know how you are feeling?

I like the idea of asking her to join you in working out. Maybe you could go to Zumba with her, even if you don't like it.

My blog on here tells my story. When my bf was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes the end of last summer neither of us was surprised. He'd been crazy thirsty for months. He started cutting out carbs and gently encouraging me to eat better for my health. It took me a couple weeks of binging on carbs and sweets before I was ready. I started on MFP the day after he did. I'm much more diligent and have lost a lot more than he has. He's been slipping in his eating since he started cutting back on his smoking. He's gained a good bit of his loss back. He still totally encourages me and seems to be getting his eating back on track. I mostly back off on saying anything, but we talk about his eating. I'm careful to be gentle and to emphasize his health.

Keep loving her and reassuring her and communicating with her...and let her choose her method.

She works a stressful job, is going through a rough time with hospitalized family members, has non-obesity related medical problems, and we are in the process of adopting a child. I can see where as an emotional eater that would make things seem more difficult to overcome. Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else.

You said it right there. ^^^ There will always be a reason to eat compulsively. I know from personal experience. Until she deals with the underlying issues and turns to other coping mechanisms, she will always turn to her old stand-by, food, for comfort. You are obviously a very caring husband for seeing through her comments and realizing it's not about the food or your own progress. I wish you luck in helping her see that she needs to deal with her issues. Keep doing what you are doing, for yourself.

You need to do this for yourself and your wife sounds slightly selfish for even sharing those thoughts without thinking they would cut a little.

Also "Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them." sounds more like your wife was happy being the size she was and was comfortable that you were both in the same boat. Now that you're not it's not all jealousy, it's resentment because you're 'spoiling' the comfortable place she was in.

Yeah I'm kind of thinking this too.
You can offer to help her get in better shape, but you can't make her do it herself. And please don't let her emotional antics ruin your own fitness.

edited for spelling.

You sound like a wonderful, caring husband. Please continue with your healthy lifestyle and weight loss, you're doing this for you, you're entitled to do this!!

As much as your wife is being 'honest' with you, ultimately it's not your recent success that is making her eat more, it's entirely her choice.

Also, you are right about stress in life, if we all waited for harmony in our lives to do something we would be waiting forever. Stress is part of our lives and we need to cope with it and not use it as an excuse to stop us achieving our goals.

Good luck in your continued lifestyle change.

I think your ability to relate to how your wife feels is going to help both of you a lot in this situation.

There already has been a lot of good advice on this board. I'll suggest just a couple of other points to consider.

Everyone faces a unique package of challenges when it comes to dealing with food issues in a weight loss program. You mentioned that your wife is more of an emotional eater and has a bit of a sweet tooth, and that you're not affected much by either of these. If your wife does decide to start eating healthier, I think that one step that will help you both will be to share with each other what each of you finds challenging (and relatively easy). Then you can plan meals and snacks that accommodate both of your needs. For example, I have a weakness for tortilla chips. If they're in the house, I'll eat them. My husband is a 6' marathoner who can eat pretty much all the carbs he wants. I don't try to stop him from having chips in the house - I just ask him to get flavoured ones because I only like plain ones. That way, he gets to eat what he wants and I'm not tempted. Similarly, he has a weakness for ice cream (especially chocolate ice cream) but doesn't like low fat frozen yogurt that much. So when I feel like having some ice cream, I buy froyo, because both of us can eat a little without binging. I think at some point in this process (maybe not yet), it will help your wife to see some of your vulnerabilities and if you know hers, then you can plan together how to deal with them. For example, if she's eating junk away from home, maybe you could find some healthier choices that satisfy her cravings (e.g., a tasty low fat yogurt instead of ice cream, for example, or flavoured air-popped popcorn instead of chips). Then she won't feel the need to sneak food.

On the exercise front, you might be able to take some steps now to encourage her to become more active, but with a focus on fun and "small steps" at first. This is an area where your wife might feel intimidated by your exercise program, especially if you're already racking up the hours, doing strength training, etc. Start with fun, short activities. As others have suggested, a walk after dinner when you can hold her hand (to show her in front of the world that you still are attracted to her), talk about your day and plan for the weekend. It doesn't have to a long walk - it could be just around the block if that's all she wants to do. Or how about putting on some music and dancing for a couple of songs together? Again, that's an activity that shows you're attracted to her and it can be quite a good workout. Even if she just starts moving for 10-15 minutes a day, it will make a difference. I also find that while it can be hard to start and stick to a diet, if I get active first, my mood improves, I have more energy and I'm more motivated to stick to a healthy eating plan.

I wish you the best with your own journey to a healthier life and hope that your wife will decide to join you soon.