Am I in the wrong? WARNING: RANT/VENT

Options
2

Replies

  • MrsC160
    MrsC160 Posts: 85 Member
    Options
    IOk so my sister and her new fiancee

    New fiancee? so she has been engaged before?

    Maybe not focus on this Chad kid and focus on your sister. Try to get thru to her your concerns and fears - she is the one that really matters to you, not this guy...
  • usernameMAMA
    usernameMAMA Posts: 681 Member
    Options
    I only read as far as the snowmobile incident but it does sound like the guy has no regard for anyone else. Unfortunately, he probably won't change. You should encourage your sister to stand up for herself and tell the guy that when he's with her he needs to be extra cautious because she is precious cargo. If he continues to act like an asshat after she says something, she may just realize how much he disrespects her and break it off with him. That way, you won't alienate her by trying to "interfere" with her relationship.
  • ron2e
    ron2e Posts: 606
    Options
    I don't think it is any of your business until your sister asks you to get involved. If my wife had a brother who got involved in my life and my relationship with her, without her requesting it, I would quickly tell him to f*** o**, as I suggest would she. Your sister has her own life, she does not belong to you, and the right to do what she wants. It's hard to take when you love someone, but all you can do is butt out until she asks you to interfere.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
    Options
    You and the other men in your family (preferably the largest members - even if you're not super close to them) should take him on an adventure trip (hunting, fishing, whatever your family does) to "bury the hatchet" and welcome him to the family. Now I'm not saying you guys should cause bodily harm on him (sometimes these things happen on such outings), but he should walk away from that experience knowing that he's accountable for her safety when she's not in control of it herself (snow mobile, car, etc.) and that she should be able to trust him with that. Your family should be able to trust that she's in good hands when she's with that dumba**. And it should be very clear to him that you all are holding him accountable for the way he treats her.

    Brute force will only drive her closer to him because she's being forced to choose when she doesn't want to. She will choose him. Make it so she doesn't have to choose. She'll probably be more open later on. Just know that you will never break them up, so use your head now and be crafty - whatever you decide to do.
  • junip1977
    junip1977 Posts: 111 Member
    Options
    Wow, no you are definitley not in the wrong. However, it is your sister's decision to be with this man. Unfortunately, he sounds like a real *kitten*, but you will only push her away if you start telling her what to do and who to see. I would definitely voice your concerns with her and tell her you are worried, but that is about all you can do. This guy is a real loser, he should of been upfront about the accident, the fact that he wasn't and then couldn't face you tells alot about his character. Just be there for your sister, be supportive incase she really needs you someday.
  • DojoMaster888
    DojoMaster888 Posts: 61 Member
    Options
    It sounds like the guy needs a few good ole beatings, in order to help him mature and make smarter decisions.
  • Warchortle
    Warchortle Posts: 2,197 Member
    Options
    He really needs community service hours even though a beating would probably be well deserved. I'd argue for restraining order then if your sister QQ's and says no get a psychologist to deem her not able to rationally make good decisions for her own welfare because she's emotionally attached to her abuser.
  • Roni_M
    Roni_M Posts: 717 Member
    Options
    Tough situation. I don't think you are over reacting, but I agree with a pp who said you have to hold your opinion in check (as hard as that will be).

    Abusive people's goal is to isolate their victims (I'm not saying it's abusive at this point but from the sounds of his personality it could go there). The most important thing for you to do is stay involved in your sisters life. Do whatever you need to do to keep being a support system for her. When she opens her eyes, she'll need you. Just stay involved, assure her you love her, only want her to be happy and keep your opinion of him to very generic terms (ie: "you deserve someone who treats you well" as opposed to "your fiancé is a f-ing *kitten*"). That way she'll feel you have her interests at heart and aren't threatening "her love". At this stage of the game, an ultimatum issued by you or her fiancé will most likely lead to her choosing him, so you need to avoid that.

    I'm basing this mostly on the fact that you didn't get the phone call after the accident not on the fact that there was one (some people just do stupid stuff to show off) and the incidents with the weapons (screams "abusive personality" to me).
  • ron2e
    ron2e Posts: 606
    Options
    It sounds like the guy needs a few good ole beatings, in order to help him mature and make smarter decisions.

    Good call! Take the Neanderthal route.................
  • dolfn1972
    dolfn1972 Posts: 84 Member
    Options


    So I am not the only one that noticed this.

    OP if you went to highschool with him than you probably have a basic idea of who he is. If you were my brother I would tell you to eff off and mind your own business. I have 3 brothers all of which are very protective of me, but they all know their boundaries and if they don't they learn them in a damn big hurry.

    I know she is your sister and you are being protective but she has made her own decisions - she isn't a baby anymore and sometimes you may not agree with her decisions but you have to respect them. She obviously trusts him, she obviously loves him, she obviously didn't want to tell you about the accident because she knew how you were going to react.

    I would express my concern to her and then let it go. seriously. LET IT GO. she is 19 if she wants to get on a sled with a guy that doesn't have a lot of experience that is her choice it may not be a smart choice and it may not be the choice you would want her to make but she is her own person and you have to let her make her own mistakes.

    Its unfortunate that she got hurt, and I would be angry too but you have to know that it was not like he intentionally hurt her - I could see if he beat the crap out of her but it was an accident, accidents do happen and it could have happened at any speed, in any vehicle, at any time.

    Totally agree with this. You cannot go into a fit of rage or tell either of them how to live their lives. Instead of protecting your sister...you are pushing her away...and possibly causing more issues that she will not feel comfortable or safe talking to you about.
  • AlsDonkBoxSquat
    AlsDonkBoxSquat Posts: 6,128 Member
    Options
    Yeah, you are. Your sister is 19 and is fully capable of making her own decisions. If she didn't want to get on the sled, she didn't have to. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to. I know you're protective over your only sister, but you can't keep jumping between them everytime something happens that you don't like. Going over to the house in a fit of rage (with intentions to fight the dude, it seems) is a little too excessive. Imagine all the trouble this could cause when they get married.

    I'm pretty much in this boat. While I commend you for being a caring and concerned brother, the fact is that she's engaged to the douche and is old enough to make her own decisions. Imagine what it must be like for her, she's starry eyed for this guy who she loves enough to marry and trusts enough to get on a snowmobile with and when something goes awry she can't even call her family because instead of checking in on her and making sure that she's okay all they'll do is (rightfully maybe) blame him and start arguments between people she loves. You need to be just as concerned for her wellbeing as you seem to be. Sometimes the best way to love a person is not by loving their decisions, but being there for them when their decisions obviously fail them in the long term.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    Options
    i dont think ur over reacting at all. he sounds like an immature little *kitten*, and unfortunately at 19 people are very naive especially girls and if she had a condition that worsens it she may not be seeing him for the real "HIM" and may not be able to recognize the dangers he is putting her in. Would it be possible to ask her to wait a bit before they get married, maybe give it another year so she and your family can really get to know him and if he's right for her or not?

    sounds like she is way too young, he is way too immature, and the last thing you want is to lose your sister to some idiot.
  • devilwhiterose
    devilwhiterose Posts: 1,157 Member
    Options
    My sister is 19...I would have probably decked her boyfriend. Not necessarily for the accident, but for the way he handled it when you texted him. Going 90 on a snowmobile, he could have killed her. A lack of brains is sad.

    His issue with guns/bows are a prime example of someone that shouldn't own them. He sounds like a hothead.

    As far as your sister, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Be supportive...give an opinion, give your own experiences, but she has to make the decisions herself. ...to an extent. If he gets to a point where he harms her (not talking about a sledding accident), then ya...that's grounds to get involved in my opinion.
  • jenns1964
    jenns1964 Posts: 384 Member
    Options
    You are right to worry. I hope she comes to her senses and gets out of the relationship fast!
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
    Options
    Yeah, you are. Your sister is 19 and is fully capable of making her own decisions. If she didn't want to get on the sled, she didn't have to. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to. I know you're protective over your only sister, but you can't keep jumping between them everytime something happens that you don't like. Going over to the house in a fit of rage (with intentions to fight the dude, it seems) is a little too excessive. Imagine all the trouble this could cause when they get married.

    I'm pretty much in this boat. While I commend you for being a caring and concerned brother, the fact is that she's engaged to the douche and is old enough to make her own decisions. Imagine what it must be like for her, she's starry eyed for this guy who she loves enough to marry and trusts enough to get on a snowmobile with and when something goes awry she can't even call her family because instead of checking in on her and making sure that she's okay all they'll do is (rightfully maybe) blame him and start arguments between people she loves. You need to be just as concerned for her wellbeing as you seem to be. Sometimes the best way to love a person is not by loving their decisions, but being there for them when their decisions obviously fail them in the long term.

    ^^ This. Being the angry brother to the idiot fiance isn't going to help. Seriously, you clearly mean well but take it from a 40 year old guy who was once the angry, protective guy. It doesn't work. Be there for your sister, but be the calm and rational one. You will be much more effective in the long run.
  • meredith1123
    meredith1123 Posts: 843 Member
    Options
    "2 I hardly know this guy and don't trust him AT ALL."

    "I know the guy because he went to highschool with me"

    ?????

    you took the thoughts right out of my head.

    Personally it's not going to help the situation getting pissed over it all. your sister is going to do what she wants. all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. She'll ask you, no worries. Just stand by.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Options
    I can understand your concern...this guy sounds like a major asshat! Where is Mom and Dad in all this? Not that anyone can do much good is this situation. Other than having a man to man, face to face chat with this guy there's not much you can do...your sister is old enough to make her own decisions no matter how poor they may be. Best of luck to you and your family :flowerforyou:
  • actingnurse1
    actingnurse1 Posts: 153 Member
    Options
    Break his other wrist. I would.
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    Options


    Personally it's not going to help the situation getting pissed over it all. your sister is going to do what she wants. all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. She'll ask you, no worries. Just stand by.

    ^This.

    Be a brother when she needs you, which will probably be soon enough. Now, if it gets physical or you feel he's threatening her, then throw that out and intervene as best as you can.

    But for now, love her and be a good example. I really hope she comes to her senses before May.
  • bannedword
    bannedword Posts: 299 Member
    Options
    Dude.

    You overreacted.

    She might be your only sister. I assume she is his only fiancee.

    If my brother meddled like that in my life, I'd be so pissed.

Categories