Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Haha, we think alike!

Thank you, for posting this. I don't know what the sacred importance to hairbands is about (maybe because I hacked all my hair off!) so I actually read the entire post.

First off, she could just really really REALLY like baggy shirts and sweats because they are convenient! That aside...

You seem to be genuinely concerned about your wife. I don't know what the entire journey has been like for you two, but it seems like she can't see herself beyond whatever started transformation. I think a lot of her rejection to your compliments and support is partially because of that. If she can't see her own beauty without all the fancy get-ups and makeup, then what you say can seem false whether she's dressed up or not. Have you tried sitting down with her to explain how her denial acutally hurts YOU? Maybe, if she sees that you really do support her sincerely, she will be able to start accepting your praise.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

well, i see that some young ladies totally missed your point and are making drama-inspired comments about you being 'controlling' or some such nonsense. i'm old enough to be your mother so i'm going to dispense with the drama.

i think you are a prize. because you think SHE is a treasure.

but she can't see herself through your eyes.

and this is a VERY common problem. you cannot change this, or help her understand, any time soon. it is going to take years. maybe a couple of decades.

i went through it too. after being married to an incredible man for more than 20 years, i read something and it clicked. i can't tell you what i read, or where i read it. but here's what happened:

when my husband told me i was beautiful, i decided to believe him, because I WANTED HIM TO BE RIGHT.

currently she wants the drama/attention more than she wants you to be right.

and i bet you keep having the same conversation over and over. that needs to change. if she wants drama, give her some, but not the same drama you've been giving her. when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.

if she needs more drama, wait until she gives you a compliment, and then disagree with her and tell her she is cruel for making fun of you.

if that approach is not your style, you could tell her that it makes you hopping mad to hear someone badmouth the woman you love.
also you might just listen to her rant and then ask her to say something positive about herself. one negative comment costs one positive comment.

in any case she needs to stop this crap before you have children or it will affect them.

sir, i have no patience with drama. it comes from having had two teenage daughters at the same time. (they are both grown now.) thanks for listening to me spout off!

but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue. what can she say? 'no, you don't think that?' if she does, see above paragraph about blowing you off. which, by the way, is incredibly disrespectful. how about, 'your hair feels so good when i run my fingers through it.' that's an attention grabber!

good luck and God bless. it's going to be a long road.

I don't believe she wants drama. I think that is wrong. I think she truly doesn't believe she is pretty enough, thin enough, or whatever. I don't want drama when I don't believe my fiancé I just don't believe him.

My fiancé doesn't ever give me drama back. He says you look great and I say no I don't and he is like I THINK you do and that's what matters. That usually snaps me out of it. He will even point out what he loves and gives me some smooches. I still don't believe him but I love him for putting in the effort.

Yes, self esteem is pretty much the sexiest thing a woman (or man) can possess.

So how can this be fixed? Well, I am happy to say that this is open discussion thus helpful hints would be appreciated. What I can say is that things are getting better as far as my wife's self confidence. She's making an increased effort to get ready, workout, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I think in doing these things, she has learned that she is worth a great deal more than she thought. Thanks for reading, feel free to respond.

This whole part makes me feel icky. And I don't know, a lot of the post made me feel icky. I obviously don't know you, your wife, your relationship, or anything about you, but you seem way too invested in your wife's self esteem... Maybe it's just coming out in this post and the rest of the time you're a pretty normal guy. I don't know.

"She has made an increased effort to [do the things I think she should]. I think in doing these things, she has learned..." Man, that is just... really uncomfortable for me to read.

I dunno. I wish you and your wife luck.

Sounds like something that she should work out with a therapist and not with a husband who throws her hairbands away.

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

THIS!!

ETA: Maybe all she needs to hear is how beautiful she is no matter how she looks!? I dont ever remember being 120lbs my husband has NEVER seen me at 120lbs but he HAS seen me at 220lbs and ya know what? He told me everyday and still tells me everyday that I am beautiful. He loves me at ANY size, hair up, hair down, makeup or no make up, sweat pants, jeans, or high heels and skirts...when Im feeling ugly and not even showered he still tells me I am beautiful. Maybe she needs to feel loved and accepted unconditionally. Just a thought.

I don't know if this has been said, but I think for a lot of women it gets better as you age. I know so many women that have said that they feel better about themselves, and care less about what others think of them, as they have gotten older. I am only 23 (about to be 24 in a couple weeks) and I feel 100 percent better about myself now than I did 50 lbs lighter and a few years ago. I am still working on myself now, but I am doing it to be healthy and feel better about myself, whereas I used to do it to impress other people.

That may not be her case either, but I know it has been for myself and many women around me.

This.

Even in my 20's I was so insecure about how fat and ugly I was, and when I see pictures now I can't believe I thought there was a problem. I'm significantly heavier now, but about ten thousand times more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm an old bra burner. That said, I did not get the sense you are a jerk. I feel you are sincerely concerned. You are also a guy and that makes it difficult for you to have this conversation, so kudos to you.

She is young, very young. I was a complete mess at her age, I weighed on the far side of nothing and fretted constantly about how I looked. I am thinking it may be her youth and if that is the case, it is best if you just love her and let her grow up. If the issues are deeper, that is something I'm not qualified to address. Likely, she is a very young woman doing what they do, obsessing about themselves.