Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

This was how I felt also.

Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.

I've been with my husband for 15 years (and we were friends for another two years before that). I have my own history that had a very damaging impact on how I view myself and on how I saw my worth as being completely intertwined with my sexual attractiveness. My husband knows this and understands this, so he knows what I have been through. And when he sees me struggling he can help remind me that this is the damage from my past, and he reminds me of the healthy ways I have coped and been able to overcome that. I have, at many times in my life, struggled with a distorted sense of how I looked. My husband is amazing. He has always adored me and helped me to see myself through his eyes. I know that how he sees me does matter. When I feel down about myself, I know that I could spiral into a bad place, so I remind myself of how my husband sees me and that I value him and our relationship. I have a lot of feelings about myself, but I deal with them in my own mind because I know my husband does not see me the way I see myself, so I don't need to always share those thoughts and feelings with him, I can manage them for myself. I also know that the way I feel about myself is how I feel about myself and not how my husband feels about me. I am completely comfortable and uninhibited around my husband because I know how much he is attracted to me and he also says that my comfort with my body and sexuality is one of the things he likes about me.

Also, I know that I can trust him because when I ask him questions about what I need to work on for my fitness, he is honest with me. He doesn't claim that I don't need to work on something that I know full well that I do need to (if I want to be my best fitness).

So, I'm just saying that a woman can have these issues and not have it impact her relationship. But, I do need support from my husband. If my husband behaved and thought in some of the ways as this OP, it would not improve the issues at all. I also find it odd that he felt the need to detail it out in order to try and teach all us women something.

ditto.

Maybe she likes to be comfortable some days. Because guess what?...dressing up isn't that comfortable. She should be able to dress however she wants around you. Hopefully you married her for more than her looks. If she is like me, it takes more than an hour for her to really get ready and do her hair. Would you spend over an hour on your looks each day, if it was just so she thinks you look presentable?

I can't believe you are happy she is working out. I bet she really disgusts you when she is sweaty.

OP, you sound like a great guy. Here's my feedback for what it's worth:

The hairband thing:

Your remarks about my appearance would hurt me. I would feel that you are being critical of me. Nothing has been sexier than a boyfriend that sees me scrubbing the toliet and he says something about liking the way my *kitten* looks bent over. A woman wants to hear that you love her...all of her...in any state. Ever. Unconditionally. She's sexy when she's a mess. She's a goddess when she's fixed up. Part of your wife's lack of self-esteem could be, unintentionally, partly your fault. Ease up on her, man. Be there for her all the time, and be proud of your beautiful wife in public no matter how dumpy she looks. At 22 years old, she's not even grown into herself yet.

Try these words at a moment she isn't expecting it. When she's cleaning or cooking, catch her in your arms, kiss her face all over with a playful attitude, then be serious a moment...look her lovingly in the eyes and say softly, "Marrying you... was the best decision I've ever made. I'm so proud of you. I really hope you know just how much I love you."

Instead of focusing your compliments on her outward appearance, focus on all that you love about her inside. Self-esteem is an inward problem. So start there. Build her up from the inside out. Show her that you love her at the very core.

Because let me tell you. I'm a big girl. 282 lbs. at my biggest. 239 lbs. now. And my weight hasn't stopped me from buying sexy lingerie and having wild, passionate sex every way possible. Yes, I know you didn't want that visual. :laugh: My point is, I'm able to do that because I'm accepting of who I am, and my boyfriends and past lovers wanted ME....just exactly the way I am.

Do that for your girl, and you'll have her hanging off the chandelier. :drinker:

I couldn't have said it better. But, here's what's left of my contribution.... Pointing out how she's "hiding herself" will only create resentment & a communication gap in your marriage. Personally, I love my hair in a ponytail & being in sweats or jeans & no make-up but I get what you're saying... That's not her. But maybe, just maybe, some days it is. Don't pressure her. Provide small frequent doses of unconditional love. Give her space & freedom to grow as an individual. Love her for who she is, even her insecurities. Make light of it & eventually she will too. Focus & nurture the positive. Everything else will take care of itself.

I've been reading a blog lately by a young lady with similar self worth issues. Your wife might enjoy reading it. It is both inspiring and funny.

http://thewunderyear.wordpress.com/

Thank you, for posting this. I don't know what the sacred importance to hairbands is about (maybe because I hacked all my hair off!) so I actually read the entire post.

First off, she could just really really REALLY like baggy shirts and sweats because they are convenient! That aside...

You seem to be genuinely concerned about your wife. I don't know what the entire journey has been like for you two, but it seems like she can't see herself beyond whatever started transformation. I think a lot of her rejection to your compliments and support is partially because of that. If she can't see her own beauty without all the fancy get-ups and makeup, then what you say can seem false whether she's dressed up or not. Have you tried sitting down with her to explain how her denial acutally hurts YOU? Maybe, if she sees that you really do support her sincerely, she will be able to start accepting your praise.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

litle things matter more than anything. I love it when my boyfriend leaves me notes and hides them before he goes out of town for work so I can find them like last week he left one in my dress draw and all it said was I love you. and I will do the same to him by hiding them in his lunch box or computer bag and thats one of our ways of letting each other know we thinks about each other every chance we gets. and he knows when i'm at home I wear my sweats and tshirts alot because we never know when were going to get into a project around the house and I dont want to mess up my good clothes. but when we go out to eat or something I will dress nice and let my hair down to feel like a women. but all women have there days were they dont care what anyone thinks about how they look they just want confee clothes on and to relax. just rember are you confee when you dressed up all the time in a suit.

Thank you, for posting this. I don't know what the sacred importance to hairbands is about (maybe because I hacked all my hair off!) so I actually read the entire post.

First off, she could just really really REALLY like baggy shirts and sweats because they are convenient! That aside...

You seem to be genuinely concerned about your wife. I don't know what the entire journey has been like for you two, but it seems like she can't see herself beyond whatever started transformation. I think a lot of her rejection to your compliments and support is partially because of that. If she can't see her own beauty without all the fancy get-ups and makeup, then what you say can seem false whether she's dressed up or not. Have you tried sitting down with her to explain how her denial acutally hurts YOU? Maybe, if she sees that you really do support her sincerely, she will be able to start accepting your praise.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

Trust me, I don't get it either.

............... You threw her hair bands away????? :noway: Not cool.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

I keep picturing Laura Palmer's senior portrait, from Twin Peaks. Not sure I would want to feel I was in a David Lynch style relationship!

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

This was how I felt also.

Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.

I've been with my husband for 15 years (and we were friends for another two years before that). I have my own history that had a very damaging impact on how I view myself and on how I saw my worth as being completely intertwined with my sexual attractiveness. My husband knows this and understands this, so he knows what I have been through. And when he sees me struggling he can help remind me that this is the damage from my past, and he reminds me of the healthy ways I have coped and been able to overcome that. I have, at many times in my life, struggled with a distorted sense of how I looked. My husband is amazing. He has always adored me and helped me to see myself through his eyes. I know that how he sees me does matter. When I feel down about myself, I know that I could spiral into a bad place, so I remind myself of how my husband sees me and that I value him and our relationship. I have a lot of feelings about myself, but I deal with them in my own mind because I know my husband does not see me the way I see myself, so I don't need to always share those thoughts and feelings with him, I can manage them for myself. I also know that the way I feel about myself is how I feel about myself and not how my husband feels about me. I am completely comfortable and uninhibited around my husband because I know how much he is attracted to me and he also says that my comfort with my body and sexuality is one of the things he likes about me.

So, I'm just saying that a woman can have these issues and not have it impact her relationship. But, I do need support from my husband. If my husband behaved and thought in some of the ways as this OP, it would not improve the issues at all. I also find it odd that he felt the need to detail it out in order to try and teach all us women something.

You said that a woman can have those issues and not have them impact her relationship? Perhaps you just didn't notice how much the relationship was, indeed, impacted.

Thank you, for posting this. I don't know what the sacred importance to hairbands is about (maybe because I hacked all my hair off!) so I actually read the entire post.

First off, she could just really really REALLY like baggy shirts and sweats because they are convenient! That aside...

You seem to be genuinely concerned about your wife. I don't know what the entire journey has been like for you two, but it seems like she can't see herself beyond whatever started transformation. I think a lot of her rejection to your compliments and support is partially because of that. If she can't see her own beauty without all the fancy get-ups and makeup, then what you say can seem false whether she's dressed up or not. Have you tried sitting down with her to explain how her denial acutally hurts YOU? Maybe, if she sees that you really do support her sincerely, she will be able to start accepting your praise.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

No. That train of thought makes me feel like I don't get women either. And I am one.

Ummmm just. No. Wow. If my husband took a picture of me and made it clear that *that* was the acceptable behavior he wouldn't be my husband for very long. This is absurd. Hmmmm, maybe this would work on a 5 year old, but I can't think of any intelligent grown woman who wouldn't be able to see through that.

Very informative.
I think I've finally found why the term "douchecanoe" was coined.

A less direct approach might be to find a photo (or ask to take one) of her when she has put the extra effort in. Not evening gown and movie makeup, mind you. Something like Sunday-morning-brunch. Get it sized up. Put it on the wall in the livingroom. Tell her you want it for your office desk. Let her know how much that look means to you. It might not help too much with the self esteem issue, but if she gets enough feedback about looking nicer, she might not turn immediately for her comfort clothes.

Finally...just keep showing her you love her. That will be that absolute best thing you can do for her.

This is the best possible answer here. Kudos to you, OP. If all men were like you, the world would be a much better place.

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

I keep picturing Laura Palmer's senior portrait, from Twin Peaks. Not sure I would want to feel I was in a David Lynch style relationship!

YES!


That's EXACTLY what I was thinking of.

And we all know what happened to Laura.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Let's see..You married her when she was 19, you get mad when she does not dress up, you trow her stuff out. You started a thread about her "sabotaging herself" so that strangers on the internet would judge and belittle her for not being there for you sexually when you want it because she does not feel pretty. She should feel pretty when i'm horny dammit!
I have a hunch you might have something to do with her self esteem level.

Did it ever occur to you that she might just like her hair up, or she is more comfortable that way? You trowing her hair bands out tells her "you look like **** with your hair up".

Seriously? I mean really?

I give up. I must not get women at all! Because to me that sounds twisted.

Adding my vote to the "WTF?" column.