Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

Hmmm. Let's see. You said that I was "Not a very insightful person," and that " really need to learn to expand [my] horizons a bit, read and listen a little better, be a bit more insightful."

No, I do not know the intimate details of your marriage, but I imagine that if you use this little "Golly gee, we must have a misunderstanding here," tactic when you clearly hurl passive-aggressive insults, then you have more problems than you are willing to admit to.

I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
With love,
Burt

This was how I felt also.

Really? Have you ever been with someone who is insecure? They need constant reassurance. The OP explained this in great detail. It is absolutely exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone of their worth. And it is not fair to the person who has to do the reassuring because no matter what they do or say, no matter what tactics they try, the insecure person does not listen to them and their self-image is not improved. It's highly frustrating to have to maintain someone else's self-esteem while trying to maintain your own.

I've been with my husband for 15 years (and we were friends for another two years before that). I have my own history that had a very damaging impact on how I view myself and on how I saw my worth as being completely intertwined with my sexual attractiveness. My husband knows this and understands this, so he knows what I have been through. And when he sees me struggling he can help remind me that this is the damage from my past, and he reminds me of the healthy ways I have coped and been able to overcome that. I have, at many times in my life, struggled with a distorted sense of how I looked. My husband is amazing. He has always adored me and helped me to see myself through his eyes. I know that how he sees me does matter. When I feel down about myself, I know that I could spiral into a bad place, so I remind myself of how my husband sees me and that I value him and our relationship. I have a lot of feelings about myself, but I deal with them in my own mind because I know my husband does not see me the way I see myself, so I don't need to always share those thoughts and feelings with him, I can manage them for myself. I also know that the way I feel about myself is how I feel about myself and not how my husband feels about me. I am completely comfortable and uninhibited around my husband because I know how much he is attracted to me and he also says that my comfort with my body and sexuality is one of the things he likes about me.

So, I'm just saying that a woman can have these issues and not have it impact her relationship. But, I do need support from my husband. If my husband behaved and thought in some of the ways as this OP, it would not improve the issues at all. I also find it odd that he felt the need to detail it out in order to try and teach all us women something.

You said that a woman can have those issues and not have them impact her relationship? Perhaps you just didn't notice how much the relationship was, indeed, impacted.

I'm sorry, but I know more about my relationship than you do. And clearly you do not understand what I said at all, if that is what you come away with. Not a very insightful person.

My husband and I are both human. And we are open and honest with each other. He has issues of his own as well. And I am a support to him. And we also deal with our issues on our own, as people should. We do not make one another a therapist. We are husband and wife. The issues that we each have are very minor in comparison to the strengths that we have and that we each bring to the relationship. He thanks me on a regular basis. And he has said very clearly that he thinks I have an incredible amount of actual self love because of how I care for myself. And that the level of comfort that I have with my body is more than he has ever seen (the level of how completely uninhibited I am). I am a dancer, so it is part of my life. He also says that I have an incredible amount of strength and that the small amount that my (incredibly horrendous past) has had an impact on me is so minimal that if I had not gone through that he thinks I would not struggle with those issues at all. And it has never impacted me in a way any further than just a few thoughts here and there. I never had an eating disorder or anything of that sort. He appreciates me very deeply. And I appreciate him very deeply. We have a wonderful relationship and we are parents together.

Being aware of things and where they originate from (as I have clearly illustrated, without over-sharing) goes a long way towards solving problems.

You really need to learn to expand your horizons a bit, read and listen a little better, be a bit more insightful. You are jumping to some pretty big conclusions based on very minimal information.

Thank you, really, for the laugh. Your depth of self-awareness coupled with the abiding, ever-loyal love of your equally self-aware husband is almost as breathtakingly pure as your condescension.
Peace.

I don't understand how this conversation ended up here. I may have miscommunicated or misunderstood somewhere along the line.

Hmmm. Let's see. You said that I was "Not a very insightful person," and that " really need to learn to expand [my] horizons a bit, read and listen a little better, be a bit more insightful."

No, I do not know the intimate details of your marriage, but I imagine that if you use this little "Golly gee, we must have a misunderstanding here," tactic when you clearly hurl passive-aggressive insults, then you have more problems than you are willing to admit to.

I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.

He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.

Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.

That's a shame.
Saying sorry after doing something like that usually means nothing.

He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.

Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.

I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.

Sir, truer words have never been spoken.

Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?

Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.

I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion.

Sir, truer words have never been spoken.

Saying "I love you enough to care that you put an effort into looking good because it will make you feel better" is a wonderful turn of mental gymnastics, but it doesn't cover up the point that you want her to look a certain way. So rather than try to be the 'nice guy' offering wisdom for all of these wayward ladies, why don't you just fess up and say you're frustrated because she doesn't meet your expectations of beauty?

Aside from losing your perceived high ground, anyway.

He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.

Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.

That's a shame.
Saying sorry after doing something like that usually means nothing.

Only if you're a liar. Not everyone is, and unless you know the OP personally, you can't make that call.

He already said that he was wrong to throw away her hair bands. Lets not overreact.

Yeah I don't get why this is a big deal.

Because it's controlling.