Advice on a babysitting dilema PLEASE!

leavinglasvegas · June 2010

Talking to his parents is kind of difficult. Out of all my family and friends, I'm the only one like me, lol. This is perfectly normal to everyone around me, which is why I turned to you guys. My friends and family think I'm overprotective and are easily annoyed by my lifestyle. For example, when I watch my nephew, they roll their eyes at me if I expect simple please and thank yous.... Hes two, yes. But my daughter never threw a tantrum for her milk in the middle of a public park. Thats how he asks and thats what they allow. So, I don't take him that often anymore.

I'm willing to do outings and such, but I'm limited on cash and so are his parents. Not to mention I need to find a dang job and with a quickness! The quicker I find a job, the quicker this will be over. But I did offer to take them to see the Karate Kid this week. He seemed mildly interested. As far as the park, he just whines about leaving. But I'm sure I can fit in a few outings here and there. Thats a good idea.

I think I will recommend that they send some more toys with him. This is a hard situation. His mom and I have been friends for a long time. We are polar opposites, yet remain great friends. Part of me is worried about him, but I'm the only one. MAybe I'm over analyzing it. Maybe its a good thing that hes here and exposed to something different. I know my daughter will not be hanging around much this summer with him. I don't expect her to have to play with him. She like to go outside and do things. Maybe eventually he'll get sick of watching me clean the house and go find something to do, lol. Or maybe I should make hime help me....hahaha.... That would be another story, he doesn't do chores or even get his own drinks. Thats alot of the problem I guess. Like I said, my friend and I are polar opposites.

leavinglasvegas · June 2010

I don't have kids, but I do know that hyperactivity or ADD or whatever they are calling it these days can be affected by diet. Sugar, additives, etc. In a related vein to the second poster, I would ask, is there any point in talking to the parents about how their current practices might be contributing to his problems. He surely doesn't sound like a happy kid, and he is only going to get more difficult to handle, and unhappier as he gets older.

I was about to say the same about the diet of the kid in question. I know my 5 yr old son's behavior is _much_ improved from a few months ago once my wife and I changed our eating patterns for the better (and his as well). It was a difficult transition period (that is not quite over with), but obviously well worth it. Maybe talk to his parent's about the diet and behavior at home - it may be viewed as some as intrusive, but it depends on your relationship with them. As far as your house goes, I agree with the others that you don't change your rules and your routine for this kid, it's not fair to you and not fair to your daughter.

One other thing, and please don't take this the wrong way - if you are watching this boy for 10 hrs a day, 5 days a week - you're a babysitter anymore, you're a daycare. I hope you're not being taken advantage of here. I've known other people to be taken advantage of in similar ways (by the things you've said and how conflicted you are here, you definitely seem to be in this category) and it's always ended badly. It may be good to step back from the situation, do as skygoddess86 says and just tell them (and yourself) that it's not working out.

We've talked about the diet. She is one of those who thinks food is food and my food is too expensive. (I'm a single mom and unemployed. I manage. They are a 2 income household and get foodstamps. What I do is too much work for them. She thinks she is tired from working so much and I have more free time.) She also says all the time that hes not over weight so shes not worried about what he eats. Any further into the conversation and I'm over bearing and paranoid about food. I need to relax. End of conversation.

The reason I'm doing this is because I offered. I talk to her mom sometimes, she worries about him. If I'm not watching him, they will send him to another friend who we have learned her and her husband have been abusing perscription drugs. I'm mostly doing it as a favor to grandma, she lives 4 hours away. Now after talking about this and getting some more opinions from non trashy people, I think I need to re-evaluate alot more than babysitting.

Jenks · June 2010

Could they pack his food for him, without it affecting your daughter's allergies? My son is a picky eater and this is what I do when ever he goes over to a sitters. Just a thought.

leavinglasvegas · June 2010

Thanks guys. I'm going to finish cleaning the house and take them for a ride to my parents house. Shes making meatballs, so that should make him happy. And they have Nikelodean on 24/7 for my nephew, lol. Plus lots of boy toys.

Maybe tomorrow we'll attempt the science fair thing.

I'd just like to point out that I really don't expect anyone to adhere to my type of lifestyle and I truely love my friend. I think the fact that I'm so different from everyone around me and so passionate about healthy living, that it may at times come off wrong. I'm not perfect. My daughter like meat on occasion, matter of fact, they had hot dogs for lunch. I'm the only one of my kind in this mix of people, so sometimes my lifestyle is the focus because it is so different. I could care less about it, but things like TV and not socializing concern me. I just don't know what to do since its out of my element, you know? When my daughter goes there, she doesn't want to watch TV. Its kind of the same situation on the other side. But I send her on a full belly and with snacks and a water bottle. I don't mind if she indulges, she knows her limits because of her allergies she knows what she can and can't have.

I think this is more my perception of what I feel is a problem. Its nice to have a place where I can vent and get some feed back from other people who aren't going to judge me. Thank you for that. Talking about this has helped me quite a bit. All of your suggestions are very helpful. I have alot to think about tonight.

:flowerforyou:

HealthyChanges2010 · June 2010

Honey, the most important thing is you and your daughter, you need your time during the day for various things you shared. You daughter deserves a stress free fun Summer with Mom, Mom/Daughter time:flowerforyou:

It's always apparent in your posts that you have a HUGE heart but in this case I think it's hurting your entire household. The Summer is a very long time to have to deal with a difficult situation such as this when it's only just started. It sounds as though it's taking time from what you need to do, stressing your family out, costing more money than you have to put out.

I'm not sure money is even the issue here, if she was giving you several hundred it would still be not worth the stress in my opinion, stress stays with us and a few extra few bucks over the Summer being miserable doesn't sound worth it.

Sounds like you and your daughter deserve your life back!

Seems like the little boy has taken over the household (or at least trying) yours and his. :ohwell: Which I agree it's sad that kids are raised that way, thank goodness you don't raise your daughter in the same manner, she's learning at an early age how to make better choices and respect toward adults. That will go far when she is one.

Becca:flowerforyou:

yessie75 · June 2010

Your home, your rules. His parents should know better and if they are your friends, then they should talk to him about abiding by your rules. You should not have to entertain a 9 year old. TV time should be restricted and perhaps he can pick 2 to 3 favorite shows and follow a schedule of other activities, like reading, puzzles, outside games, etc. I have 2 thirteen year olds and a 3 year old and I take them to the library twice a week. Every summer the library has kids/young adult reading program with incentives to get them reading. At the end of the summer there's a pool party. Good luck!

leavinglasvegas · July 2010

Well, you were all right.

This morning I got up and cleaned and got dressed and waited. They have a tendency to be late without calling so at first it was no big deal. Then her mom called me to talk to her grandson (thats the only way she gets to talk to him nowadays) I had to tell her I didn't know where they were. I've been calling and theres no answer. I was getting mad! Her mom was pissed. Finally after waiting for an hour and a half and calling and worrying, she CALLED ME FROM WORK! She said I'm sorry I didn't know what time you got home last night so I didn't want to bother you. WTF? I had to take many deep breaths. I asked so whats going on? She said she took him to another friends house. I had to really think before I spoke and I just sadi "look, you knew I was expecting him, You know I don't sleep in till 10 EVER! You could have at least called and left a message if I didn't answer. I even made arrangenets for him to go to the community center and get free lunch today. I have a life and I have things to do. Now I have to go." And that was that.

Her mom called me back and said she was so angry. We know this behaviour is not really her. Her bf is totally controlling and irresponsible. Thinks the whoe world owes him everything. Its all about making money for him. Gotta go fast when he comes home because he needs attention, needs to eat, needs the phone, needs the car, needs, needs, needs. Its all about him. Her parents are so distraught that her poor dad can't even talk. They live so far away and feel totally devastated by what is going on. They always trusted me because they knew I would take good care of their grandson and I'm alaways there for her. But they also know that I go out of my way and am being taken advantage of.

I'm so torn. Of course my babysitting days are over. And I'm smart enough to know that I need to tell her that I can't do her anymore favors and that I am fully aware that I have been taken advantage of. I need to tell her that I love her and will always be her friend, but right now I need a friend too. I'm unemployed and need help too. But nobody ever comes around when I'm out of food or need a free sitter to go for job interviews. Nobody ever even offers. All I ever hear is how bad it is for them. Cry me an F-ing river! You have 2 incomes, no car payment, and friends who bbsit and feed your kid. I'm on my own! I have no sympathy. Its called budgeting whatever little money you have and raising your OWN KID! I've done it for 10 years. Don't give me a sob story about how hard it is. Try doing it completely alone. Then I can find maybe an ounce of empathy.

Of course I don't want to lose my friend. But in a way, maybe thats what she needs. I need to be able to trust the people around me and know that I'm supported, even if I have nothing to offer at the moment. She needs to know that she can't revolve her life around wht the bf wants. Maybe this will be her wake up call. Maybe sh will never wake up, but its not my problem any more. I have my own stuff. Her mom and dad are totally on my side. They called her at work and let her have it. They told her, "What the hell is wrong with you! You are losing a good friend so you can support that A-hole. Your being stupid. You need to think of your son instead of pleasing that jerk. This isn't healthy"

They told me that I should tell her I'm done with her untill she gets her prioities straight. Which I fully intend to do. She called me and I didn't answer, I'm far too angry to talk to her right now. She left a message crying saying shes sorry, but then turned it around on me. She said why didn't you tell me you had a problem with us you know you can tell me anything.... ??? I think that came from her mom telling her I am always careful what I say so not to hurt her feelings. But I HAVE told her. I even offered to help her throw all his stuff out of the house and change the locks. I offered to let her live with me to get away from him. I offered to drive her up to her parents house like they want. They want her to come live there. She can go to school and live without bills untill she gets her degree which she quit so she can work with her boyfriend and make more money. Really? $10 an hour is more money than you would make with a teaching degree? She could be subbing and student teaching right now. But the ****head needs money so he can buy a car. He doesn't even have a freaking license! He needs money to pay all the tickets he gets for getting caught driving without one! Oh, and his "pain" medicine because he has a bad back. So thats why he can't help clean the house, carry in groceries or move furniture. Thats what he thinks I'm for. I wish they'd just take him to jail.

OK. I'm sorry. I had to get that out before I try to rationally talk to her. Unlike her, I don't have anyone I can call and spend hours venting too. So thank you all for your advice. Thank you for letting me vent even if nobody reads this. I really needed to get it out one way or another. This seemed to be the healthiest way since I'm low on cash and can't go to my therapist for a while.

Meanwhile, Holly's Daycare is CLOSED FOREVER. I'm not babysitting for anyone! My focus is on me. I'm looking for a real job, I'm takig care of my mind, body, and soul. I have a wonderful daughter to raise who needs me to be 100%. (I'll be damned if I ever accept a random job that would require me to be gone from her all day everyday and rely on other people to raise her. I'd rather be poor and with her than rich without her.)

david1956 · July 2010

My opinion for what it's worth. You've done the right thing. I'd distance till either your fiend sorts her own life or the friendship proves to have been not worth it. You're the one losing your peace about it, and friendships aren't about that.

Tell you what I sense in this whole situation, and I'd bet dollars to donuts I'm right. Eventually everything will end up thrown back on you. Somewhere along the line she'll continually side with a manipulative boyfriend, and given that blood is thicker than water it's even possible that at some time her parents will side with her viewpoint. Possibly not, but when you a whole lot of people in the mix I've seen it time and again.

Seperate from the whole situation and make everyone own their own problems. If it is a true friendship it will heal in time. But given the degree to which your peace is being wrecked for $10 an hour, it isn't worth it.

leavinglasvegas · July 2010

Thank you. That is what I plan to do. But just to make it clear, its not $10 an hour. It was $10 a day. Yes, I allowed myself to totally be taken advantage of. You are right, if it is a true friendship it will work out in the end. Meanwhile, I need to focus on friends who are friends in return. Most importantly, I need to focus on me.

Thanks for listening:flowerforyou:

TheMaidOfAstolat · July 2010

Good for you! It's one thing to baby sit and be respected it's another thing entirely if they expect you to be mommy for free. You did what's right for you and your daughter, it may not make the situation for them easier but it might force them to grow up a bit. And even if he was still staying with you...it's your house and your rules...he can do what he wants and what his mom allows at their house. Anyhoo, I'm starting to ramble. Glad that it's worked out in your favor, you deserve it, girly!

Advice on a babysitting dilema PLEASE!

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