Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
Replies
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I haven't read all of the replies...but here is MHT...
It could be a LOT of things, ranging from shallow insecurity to deep rooted parental issues - as in she never got approval when she was growing up and she is seeking it from you and as you said, she is turning you off. Negative self image is not an attractive trait at all. "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is."
Maybe ask yourself honestly, if you are doing anything to make her feel this way? Do you check out and compliment other women in front of her? Do you compare her to other women? You seem to have this "ideal" you want her to strive for, but is that who she was when you met her or are you treating her as a fixer-up project? (kinda sounds like you are). I will respect when my husband tells me he doesn't like what I am wearing, as opposed to not saying anything, and I appreciate that my husband prefers my hair down when we go out - but when I am at home it's yoga pants, tank tops and a messy bun for me. If my husband threw away my hair things (which by the way, demonstrates your need to control her) I would go to Target and buy every damn hair thing they have to restock. :->
Maybe try accepting her as she is. When you do that, she may start to feel beautiful. If you feel that you already do that, and it's honestly NOT anything you are doing to contribute to the problem, then maybe she needs some therapy or some good books and some meditation to help with her self-esteem issues.0 -
Thats funny, i almost thought this was someone i used to know talking about me. I think as women we always have a negative image of ourselves, that is, until we decide to take control and change our perception of ourselves. Im 23, i struggle with the way i look, or rather i did, almost daily i would always look into the mirror and find every flaw never something attractive or something i was proud of.
I would hide in baggy clothes and never think enough of myself to call myself sexy, there was nothing any man, i was with, could ever do to make me feel that i was beautiful. I realized it was not "their" opinion of me that would change my self depreciation. I had to make that change for myself, I had to find beauty in myself, you can not change how she thinks.
This problem is within herself, she has to realize her own self worth and like you said your opinion doesnt matter. It is how she feels and sees herself, i starting working out and eating right and even now when i fall off the wagon i get those awful feelings of being ugly, or fat.
Its a constant struggle however if you support her and motivate her she will overcome. Perhaps you both should take up a workout routine or class maybe even just ride bikes together, cook healthy together. Your relationship still needs to be rooted why not start where it will benefit you both
goodluck!
Exactly. I have the same issues as your wife. I've realized I HAVE to stop needing my validation from outside. I need to find my self worth and self esteem inside of myself. I know I won't be truly happy until I learn to do this. I'm in therapy now trying to learn how to do this, but trust me in that it is SO hard.
Think of what women are "told" every day by society. We have to be thinner, in better shape, have no pores, have no stretch marks, have no veins, have no wrinkles, be more tan, have thicker and shinier hair, have longer legs, have a smaller waist, have bigger boobs.....good grief the list is endless. It's exhausting. I know you get aggravated with her but if she's anything like me, she's in pain too. Lots of it. Just stay supportive, try therapy, and communicate.0 -
Honestly, this sounds more like your problem than hers. Or rather that a big part of her problem is you. You can't compliment her unless she gets all dolled up for you, then you wonder why she has low self esteem?? Look in the mirror. there is your answer.0
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I don't understand this thread. But OP sounds like a butt.
If you can't love and respect your wife for not looking all dolled up, it's not an issue with her.0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
Shame on this woman who posted this!! She totally missed your point and what you're trying to say here.
I personally thing you're really trying your best here. Perhaps you should now get some help...I would seek counseling together with your wife. Perhaps a middle person could bring some light to her and to you. Maybe there's something else going on with her from her childhood or whatever it is that made her insecure and therapy is needed to heal that. We're not born to be insecure, it's almost like as if it was taught to us. Things happen to us over the years that affect us and your wife probably had this insecurity problem way before she met you. There's something deeper going on that she herself probably isn't aware of. I say go to therapy with her. And I don't mean for her to see a therapist just for her sake, but for you as well because obviously this is affecting you and you need to better understand what's going on. Save your marriage before it's too late.0 -
I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.
The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.
Im a little confused...would you love her unconditionally, or only at a certain weight? you said 10 pounds would be okay and that you just want her to feel good about herself. But 50 pounds you wouldnt want her to still feel good about herself, or love her the same?
You want her to feel comfortable with herself, and sexy and pretty, but you push her in the direction of always being made up. You get into arguments about her HAIR?!?!??! You make a big deal of her not wearing what she is comfortable in and going to the point of throwing away her belongings? Come on.....
You are contradicting yourself quite a bit. That is most likely confusing for her and might be contributing to her self esteem issues. My boyfriend tells me I am sexy all the time whether I am fully made up in fancy clothes or if I have my hair thrown up in a bun, not an ounce of makeup on, and wearing sweatpants. He tells me I am beautiful the way I am right when I roll outta bed. He has told me several times he wouldnt care if I gained weight. That's genuine to me, I feel. NO one I have ever dated has truly helped me feel like I am good enough just the way I am. It has helped me be so much more confident in life. I have my negative self esteem moments like everyone else, but it helps. Maybe if you accepted and acted that way toward your wife she would feel more beautiful.
Maybe what she is displaying is that she IS comfortable enough in her own skin that she doesnt feel the need to go all out all the time. Maybe she starts to feel pretty and comforatable with herself and then you argue with her about it, throw away her things, and put her down. Do you see what I'm getting at? You should reflect on how your behavior affects others, and discuss it with her.0 -
He wouldn't want her to gain 50lbs because that's not healthy. Who would ever, ever post "Gee, I sure hope my partner gains 50lbs!" unless, I dunno, they had a life insurance policy out on them?Im a little confused...would you love her unconditionally, or only at a certain weight? you said 10 pounds would be okay and that you just want her to feel good about herself. But 50 pounds you wouldnt want her to still feel good about herself, or love her the same?0 -
If my partner threw away my hair bands and told me he doesn't like me in my baggy 'comfy pants' this would make me resent my body more as I'd think 'do I look that horrible he can't bear to look at me in them?'.
Fair enough you want her to show off her body, but why not think about what she wants? Pointing out the obvious here....but hairbands are extremely helpful, and comfy pants are, well - comfy! And sometimes even if we look gorgeous and sexy, especially particular times in a month, we certainly don't feel that way.
My partner is always complimenting me and to be honest (going against some comments) it's made me feel better about myself, although my body image isn't too bad anyway.
22 is very young too, so I'd love to say she'll grow out of it but that's never certain - if she's got a very bad self image, it's worth taking a trip to the docs to get counseling. My partner's sister is doing this (as she's very skinny but feels fat - but not anorexic) and it's helped.
Good luck!0 -
Firstly, I think you're giving your wife mixed messages. Although I understand your reasons for getting angry with her when she doesn't get prettied up and throwing away her hair bands, it is very easy to misunderstand that. On one hand, you're telling her that she shouldn't let herself go, and then you're confused when "my wife is worried about not being pretty enough for me." Can you see the paradox there?
Also, maybe you need to stop equating beauty with self worth. Yes, your wife is important and worthy of self care, but putting on makeup and doing your hair isn't necessarily self care. Self care comes in many forms. You're essentially telling your wife that she SHOULD take pride in herself, that she SHOULD be confident, and really, what do you know about being a woman? You have male privilege. You cannot, for one single minute, understand the pressure that women face. This isn't just your wife's problem, this is a problem that has been ingrained culturally over hundreds and hundreds of years. If you think that you can just fix that then you're hugely mistaken.
You're also mistaken if you think getting prettied up has anything at all to do with confidence and happiness. Do your wonderful wife a favour and stop giving her the message that her appearance is the crux of her happiness or success.
I do understand where you're coming from, and I think you're sincere, but please try to understand that her insecurities are not about you. Instead of supporting her, you're making her problem into a problem with your relationship too. Now that's two problems for the price of one! The self esteem issues are hard enough to deal with on their own - just accept her the way she is, love her and support her. She will get through this, and she will get through it faster if you can be there by her side 0 -
Many woman (and men) have self-esteem issues.
Without knowing you or your wife personally I don't think I can give pointed advice, but I hope general advice will suffice.
In general - people with low self-esteem are looking for positive attention. There are many people (right here on MFP) who have low self-esteem and add many many friends. They then post negative comments about themselves in order to garner attention.
Sound familiar?
This usually works to a point. If self-esteem is really the issue then I suggest doing things (showing) her what she's good (or how pretty she is in this particular case).
However, I would caution you. If the person doesn't want to listen, they won't. And when that breaking point happens, you'll need to use "tough-love" to handle the situation.
As an aside - you should first ensure that self-esteem is really the issue. It could be anything (even you). "Just don't go taking medicine without knowing the problem".
Cheers0 -
I would suggest counselling. I was the same way. I couldn't accept compliments of any kind. I was always depressed and felt like dying (suicidal most days). I felt worthless. I felt like I was deformed, all I saw when I looked in the mirror was some kind of hideous monster that I hated. I was in counselling and on medication for about two years and I am much better than before. I still have a skewed vision of myself but I don't compulsively think about how terrible I feel about myself anymore. I think of positive things and I am pretty productive, now. Music and art really helped me because it gave me a healthy way to cope with my emotions. I wish the best for you both!0
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Yes, because clearly this is what he said. He didn't say anything about her complaining that she feels fat, or any other number of insecurity issues. He simply stated "she ties her hair back and i hate it why is she so dumb??".
This, she is probably feeling tired of not living up to your standards. Just because she puts her hair up, her confidence is bad. What?I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
I agree. I would argue that some women who obsess too much on their appearance are the ones who are the most insecure.
Good job reading the topic, everyone.
I read the topic actually. In case you can't read, I acknowledge she has insecurity issues. He shouldn't be surprised if his actions are making it worse and not better.0 -
Then don't reply. Jesus, you shouldn't feel obligated to post.I don't understand this thread.
If someone posted a thread on algebra that you didn't understand, would you just reply going DOO BOO GOO TURKEY BUTTS? No, just stay out of things if you don't understand them.
I give up!0 -
He wouldn't want her to gain 50lbs because that's not healthy. Who would ever, ever post "Gee, I sure hope my partner gains 50lbs!" unless, I dunno, they had a life insurance policy out on them?Im a little confused...would you love her unconditionally, or only at a certain weight? you said 10 pounds would be okay and that you just want her to feel good about herself. But 50 pounds you wouldnt want her to still feel good about herself, or love her the same?
You really seem worked up over this posters thread.....0 -
Some of these replies are ridiculous. I think many of you missed the part of school where they taught you to read with understanding. SMH. To the OP, I hear you. In regards to how she is feeling, its rough being a female in today's society. Now, I am trying to get down to your wifes weight, but I have been told by many that I look fine the way I am. The "perfect" image is thrown at us daily with celebrities and their perfect hair, skin, teeth, clothes, etc...It's kind of like seeing the message "you're not pretty until you look like this" in front of you every minute of every day. I say keep telling her she is beautiful as is. Point out her best features. Tell her what you think makes her the most beautiful to you. When she gets dressed tell her that you love how she looks in said outfit. Try not to be so harsh on her, self confidence is something that doesn't come easy. This time last year I was at my heaviest of 220lbs and my hubby couldn't get me to leave the house, let alone intimacy from me. It took months for me to start to feel like something again. Its a hard road, but with a guy as dedicated as you, I think she'll do fine. Good luck :-)0
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I can't make heads or tails of this thread.
Anyway...
22 is mighty young. A lot of women aren't all that confident at that age. Give it time, grow together. She will get there.
if you continue to throw hissy fits about hairties, I can assure you that growing together won't happen.0 -
OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.
I agree with the above quote!! Everyone who responded totally missed the point he was trying to make!! And mainly the woman that are responding saying 'He's such a terrible husband because he threw away her headbands or doesn't want her to gain 50 lbs'.. Why be so hung up on those two sentences (which was taken out of context by most of the responders here) and missed everything else he was saying. What's wrong with you people!?:huh: :huh:0 -
I have been married for 15 years. I totally understand what you are trying to say about your wife. It is not a "trophy" or "arm candy" wife that you want. You want you wife to know and understand that you love her and think she is beautiful if she is dress to the nines or if she is comfortable in sweats with her hair pulled back. The point that I got from your post was that you want your wife to believe in herself and her inner and outer beauty. That is very admirable for you to want your wife to love herself as much as you love her.
You have to understand that this if for her to work through, with you being there supporting her in a phases of her feelings. Your job is to love and support her. I absolutely love the post that someone wrote about her husband leaving her the pretty lingerie with the note. That was great positive reinforcement without being in her face about it.
Find out what encourages and really motivates your wife. What kind of things does she do or you do that she responds feeling pretty and confident. When you figure some of those things out, just keep reinforcing them. Your wife will learn to love herself and increase in her confidence as she starts seeing her worthiness...through your eyes, her eyes and whoever else is important in her life.
This is a journey and growth period in your marriage. Just the fact that you are taking the time to seek out advice and recognize this in your wife is huge! Just keep loving her ALL the time and it will work out. Us woman are stubborn and have to figure things out on our own!
Good luck and keep up the good work as a loving husband.
P.S. You don't ever want to throw out any of her things!! EVER!!0 -
He wouldn't want her to gain 50lbs because that's not healthy. Who would ever, ever post "Gee, I sure hope my partner gains 50lbs!" unless, I dunno, they had a life insurance policy out on them?Im a little confused...would you love her unconditionally, or only at a certain weight? you said 10 pounds would be okay and that you just want her to feel good about herself. But 50 pounds you wouldnt want her to still feel good about herself, or love her the same?
Do you know the OP? Because nothing in post suggests he doesn't want her to gain because it's unhealthy. The entire post focuses on how his wife looks.0 -
I can't make heads or tails of this thread.
Anyway...
22 is mighty young. A lot of women aren't all that confident at that age. Give it time, grow together. She will get there.
if you continue to throw hissy fits about hairties, I can assure you that growing together won't happen.
If you don't read anything else on this thread, just read this reply! It summarises it really well.0 -
OP, I couldn't make it to the end of your hypocritical post because I couldn't believe you were on to dish out advice for women when you're one of the causes of your own wife's crumbling self-esteem.
I am a woman of very low self confidence and so I think I can understand how your wife feels. For a start, being self-concious isn't a controllable condition that people can just 'snap out' of. If it was we'd all be confident and happy with ourselves.
Sometimes dressing down is a way of coping with a low day. I know when I'm feeling down I like to dress in things that make me feel comfortable and things that don't attract attention. If she is as pretty as you say then I guess people look at her all the time which with her confidence issues must be extremely stressful and maybe now and again she might want a break from that.
Although you say you were trying to help her by reprimanding her for dressing down, how exactly do you think that's supposed to make her feel? It doesn't matter why you're doing it, the fact is that by throwing a tantrum and throwing away her hair bands because she hasn't dolled herself up, you're not helping. Instead you're just sending the clear and simple message - You're unhappy with her when she's not dolled up.
I have low days where I dress down but I have never been reprimanded by my husband. Instead he joins me to stay in and watch a nice film together. I can't think of a day where he hasn't made me feel special or attractive to him even when I've been at my worst. Of course he's told me he likes it when I dress up and put on make up because it shows him I feel happier and want to make an effort, but that's very different from what you do.
Positive reinforcement is always far better encouragement than negative reinforcement which can have the opposite effect.
You are her husband; to you she should be the most beautiful woman in the world to you even if she is wearing a bin bag. You should love the person she is inside and should be the one person she can feel comfortable dressing down with. You should be showing/telling her you love her all the time, not just when she's dressed up.
If she doesn't think you can see deeper than her skin then of course she's going to feel insecure, your empty compliments won't mean anything to her and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.0 -
I agree with you Bekha and the quote you used. I was really surprised to see how angry people got about his post. I honestly don't think he's being abusive, he's confused. God help him after all of our responses. He's probably really confused now...:huh:0
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OP, you will get better results posting this just on your own wall or looking for groups for dealing with depression. Just going to get beat up here. :flowerforyou:0
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first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.
i get what you're saying. my husband tells me constantly how fit, skinny, pretty i am and i used to brush it off or contradict him. it drove him crazy. he keeps telling me and now i'm starting to see myself how he sees me sometimes. having him as a cheerleader has really helped me a lot during this process. consistent support goes a long way.0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
It is quite possible that one of us or both of us is missing the point. My point is that I really don't care what she looks like, as long as she cares about her self.
What I think you are getting at is that I want her to look a certain way, therefore I throw away her headbands etc.
But you obviously DO care what she looks like if you hate it when she "hides" her hair (ever think that maybe she just didn't feel like doing it that day?) and notice her baggy clothes (some days, us women just want to be schlumpy). A man who TRULY doesn't mind what his wife looks like on any certain day doesn't even notice if she's wearing sweats or the sexiest of jeans. If her hair is pulled up or down and curly. He can APPRECIATE when she takes the time, but it shouldn't matter to you either way because you love her.0 -
first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.
My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.0 -
first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.
My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.
throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.0 -
We all have days where we just want to throw on a pair of baggy bottoms, tie our hair up and not bother with make-up. I have suffered for years with my self-esteem but now I'm getting older I'm more confident in myself. A lot of women brush off compliments.
If she wants to tie her hair back and wear baggy clothes let her. I'm sure she's just as beautiful either way!0 -
first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.
My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.
throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.
The principle is the same.
He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.0 -
OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.
I agree with the above quote!! Everyone who responded totally missed the point he was trying to make!! And mainly the woman that are responding saying 'He's such a terrible husband because he threw away her headbands or doesn't want her to gain 50 lbs'.. Why be so hung up on those two sentences (which was taken out of context by most of the responders here) and missed everything else he was saying. What's wrong with you people!?:huh: :huh:
the 50 lbs thing did not catch my eye so much. For health or asthetic reasons, who would want their spouse to gain 50 lbs?
These caught my eye:
"We have gotten into arguments about her hair"
"It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore"
"she actually starts to become less attractive to me"
"I can tell you that though she does care somewhat of what I think about her,but an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. "
These feelings, whether ever said out loud, are likely a big part of the problem. They may not have started the problem, but they will exacerbate it. If you want to improve the problem, compliment your wife. Tell her she's beautiful with her hair back because it accentuates her beautiful eyes. Tell her how nice her bum looks in those sweats and maybe she'll trade them in for tight yoga pants. And on the occasions that she does let her hair down, compliment it without adding something like "I wish you wore it down more often".
Let her know you think she's beautiful all the time and she will more likely want to be beautiful for you.
Let her know you only think she's beautiful when she puts some effort into it, and she'll feel like an old rusty car that is in need of a good paint job.0
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