Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

I have a working theory that we choose partners who reflect our opinion of ourselves.

Chapters ago, when I thought I was broken, I attracted and spent years with someone who was both willing to help "fix" me, BUT who also agreed that I was broken, and behaved accordingly.

I recognize the story being told here but I don't know the language anymore. And I'm so grateful.

::puts hair in ponytail, smiles, leaves::

You're welcome:flowerforyou: We've bend married 7 years but have been friends for nearly 20. Just be her friend is my best advice.

I wish there was a "like" button!!

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

It is the same. I didn't say he beat her. I was pointing out that although he said it was wrong - it's not an apology and doesn't mean he won't do it again.

I only used my ex as an example of how just because someone says it's wrong is doesn't mean it won't happen again.

I'm not sure what exactly is so hard to understand about that to be honest.

first off, he said that he was wrong to throw away her hairbands. so everyone can just jump off that high horse.

My ex used to call it wrong and call himself scum every time he went through his little guilty "I'm so sorry" stage after he'd beaten me up. It didn't stop him doing it again and again each time he got in a mood until I left his sorry *kitten*.

throwing away headbands and domestic abuse are not the same thing.

The principle is the same.

He might call it wrong now, but recognising something as wrong isn't the same as apologising or deciding not to do it again.

It's not the same and it doesn't really apply to this situation. Leave your own personal stories at the door when you try to help someone else.

It is the same. I didn't say he beat her. I was pointing out that although he said it was wrong - it's not an apology and doesn't mean he won't do it again.

I only used my ex as an example of how just because someone says it's wrong is doesn't mean it won't happen again.

I'm not sure what exactly is so hard to understand about that to be honest.

You know nothing about that situation. You weren't there, you don't know if he apologised, and you don't know if he will or won't do it again. Sounds like reading the hairband bit triggered you. I found it a bit jarring too, but it's better not to be too judgemental about it.

People, he didn't say he threw the hair bands away again!!! He admitted he was wrong, chances are very good he left it at that.
If my husband did that to me, Id consider myself a pretty lousy wife who didn't value her marriage if I were to leave him over something as trivial as freakin' hair bands. I mean really. Can you all hear yourselves?

I had an issue with my husband about this too. He would push and push and I ended up feeling badly about myself. Really it comes down to one thing and can be described utterly in one word, acceptance. Just one word, but it means so much. Thats all anyone wants is acceptance. Accept me for who and what I am without feeling the need to change me. Everyone deserves.

If you truly want to understand this, watch "Killing Us Softly 4."

And stop trying to control the way she looks. If her self-esteem really does effect her hair style choice, that's something she needs to work through and demanding she do otherwise isn't going to speed up the process. It also could just be that she's feeling lazy that day or wants to feel relaxed. I woke up with so much self confidence this morning and so chirpy that I didn't wear make-up which is unusual for me, but I suppose it could be easily misinterpreted.

Her feelings during intimacy are not selfish. They are her feelings, they are normal, and they come from a lifetime of being told that women can never be good enough or pretty enough. We don't develop these concepts and feelings in a vacuum.

She feels what she feels at that particular moment in time. You are saying she is essentially, unattractive because of the way she feels about herself. Twisting the knife a little?

You know nothing about that situation. You weren't there, you don't know if he apologised, and you don't know if he will or won't do it again. Sounds like reading the hairband bit triggered you. I found it a bit jarring too, but it's better not to be too judgemental about it.

Nothing triggered me, I was actually responding to what another poster had said about people 'getting off their high horses' because he'd said in his original post that he was wrong to do it.

All I did was point out that just because someone admits they're wrong it doesn't necessarily mean they are sorry or that they won't do it again. I didn't say he would do it again either or that he hadn't apologised etc.

I'd say my post triggered you. :laugh:

Going round in circles here. :huh:

Thanks for posting this....it is easy to see you care about your wife.

I am 26, healthy weight and my husband says I'm beautiful BUT its so HARD to believe him. When I look at the models and actresses I feel inadequate somehow. I know this frustrates my husband. He sees it as if I think he is lying or something. I have had to work hard not to automatically deflect his compliments with denial.

Poor body image is so common these days because we are constantly bombarded with unrealistic images of the perfect woman. Anyway, we have been married for 3 years and I am just now starting to see that he really honestly thinks I'm his perfect woman. Her tells me more then once every day... and now I find myself believing.

I think you should just keep it up, and understand that its not so much about her not trusting your opinion as it is a reflexive self protection. (weird i know)

I think that while you are probably correct about her reasoning behind wearing baggy clothes, I think you should just tell her she looks beautiful no matter what she wears. (Also, you could buy her some yoga pants. They are SO comfy, but still sexier then sweats lol)

My husband consistently tells me I'm gorgeous no matter what I look like.... it makes me want to dress sexier for him and it is slowly building up my confidence. Just keep it up. You might also explain (gently) that it hurts you when she doesn't believe in herself... I know that when my husband told me that I was shocked. I never thought that my poor self image hurt him.
My husband is just super duper consistent in his compliments... every morning he kisses all of me and tells me i am his beautiful wife. After a while I just started believing him. He really has helped heal my horrid self image. I now feel much more confident and pretty...
Please ignore all the naysayers on this thread. They don't understand that poor self image is a more of a mental sickness then a fault of either you or your wife. The real cure is just consistency. don't criticize her look, just compliment. Even the tiniest negative comment will never be forgotten. She will mull over it and worry and worry and it will only make her sink further into herself. Just try to be supportive. and eventually she will start to believe in herself. sometimes confidence comes with age. I am 26...my confidence levels are so much higher then when I was 22!

OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.

I agree with the above quote!! Everyone who responded totally missed the point he was trying to make!! And mainly the woman that are responding saying 'He's such a terrible husband because he threw away her headbands or doesn't want her to gain 50 lbs'.. Why be so hung up on those two sentences (which was taken out of context by most of the responders here) and missed everything else he was saying. What's wrong with you people!?:huh: :huh:

the 50 lbs thing did not catch my eye so much. For health or asthetic reasons, who would want their spouse to gain 50 lbs?

These caught my eye:

"We have gotten into arguments about her hair"
"It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore"
"she actually starts to become less attractive to me"
"I can tell you that though she does care somewhat of what I think about her,but an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. "

These feelings, whether ever said out loud, are likely a big part of the problem. They may not have started the problem, but they will exacerbate it. If you want to improve the problem, compliment your wife. Tell her she's beautiful with her hair back because it accentuates her beautiful eyes. Tell her how nice her bum looks in those sweats and maybe she'll trade them in for tight yoga pants. And on the occasions that she does let her hair down, compliment it without adding something like "I wish you wore it down more often".

Let her know you think she's beautiful all the time and she will more likely want to be beautiful for you.
Let her know you only think she's beautiful when she puts some effort into it, and she'll feel like an old rusty car that is in need of a good paint job.

^^^ This. This said everything I wanted to say, just a little more eloquently.

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Shame on this woman who posted this!! She totally missed your point and what you're trying to say here.

I personally thing you're really trying your best here. Perhaps you should now get some help...I would seek counseling together with your wife. Perhaps a middle person could bring some light to her and to you. Maybe there's something else going on with her from her childhood or whatever it is that made her insecure and therapy is needed to heal that. We're not born to be insecure, it's almost like as if it was taught to us. Things happen to us over the years that affect us and your wife probably had this insecurity problem way before she met you. There's something deeper going on that she herself probably isn't aware of. I say go to therapy with her. And I don't mean for her to see a therapist just for her sake, but for you as well because obviously this is affecting you and you need to better understand what's going on. Save your marriage before it's too late.

^THIS!!^ Is very good advice

I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.

Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.

Wow. So you would end your marriage over a few dollars worth of hair ties. Wow.

Some people are SO SENSITIVE! People, he is saying he doesn't care what she looks like but how she is acting. When she feels good she puts herself together; when she's suffering from lack of confidence she hides herself and THAT'S what he's reacting to. NOT to what she is actually wearing or how she's styling her hair. READ THE WHOLE POST!

First- I have a pair of HUGE baggy sweatpants that my fiance HATES- lol to the point he has hidden them from me as well. I didn't take it seriously as they are not attractive in the least, I just found them and put them back on. He's learned to accept them and move on.

Second- Do what others have suggested, show her in non-intimate ways she is beautiful and that's how YOU see her. My fiance fell in love with me at my heaviest weight and I was FLOORED that he could ACTUALLY want to see me in a sexy nightie. My thoughts: "Really? You want to see THIS in THAT?! You've lost your marbles!" BUT he would start off the intimacy by giving me a nice massage so I started to forget that I was in something that I thought wasn't flattering. By the time it turned into a happy-ending I completely forgot about what I looked like.

Just like it's her job to bolster your confidence in areas you are insecure about, likewise for you! Remind her you LOVE her and LOVE transcends the physical plain and when you look at her you see SO MUCH MORE than 22, blonde hair, green eyes (I'm just gueesing at those!) and 122lbs. GOOD LUCK!

(edited for spelling)

Lol, nevermind.