real talk.... about adoption surrogacy and sperm banks...

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Replies

  • jeslaughter
    jeslaughter Posts: 131 Member
    WOW!!! I really am ashamed to be a woman when I hear all the put downs this guy is getting from some of the people on this site....what is their problem!!! He is speaking the truth...even in Canada the man is the last ever to get custody and is frowned upon if he does ask for full custody....pravo to you OP...
    I think you should keep trying and I am positive you are a good dad or you would not already have custody of your 4 year old daughter. Look out of state or country for a surrogate if you have too...all the power to you...I am so pleased to hear that you are not self absorbed and truly want to share your wonderful life with another child. Good on you!!!
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    WOW!!! I really am ashamed to be a woman when I hear all the put downs this guy is getting from some of the people on this site....what is their problem!!! He is speaking the truth...even in Canada the man is the last ever to get custody and is frowned upon if he does ask for full custody....pravo to you OP...
    I think you should keep trying and I am positive you are a good dad or you would not already have custody of your 4 year old daughter. Look out of state or country for a surrogate if you have too...all the power to you...I am so pleased to hear that you are not self absorbed and truly want to share your wonderful life with another child. Good on you!!!

    Welcome to MFP. Home of the Do As I Tell You Because I Am Right And Know Your Entire Life And Situation Based On One Cryptic Post.
  • YoungDoc2B
    YoungDoc2B Posts: 1,593 Member
    Sorry to be so flippant here, but I do sense some attitude and bitterness going on. I don't think ANYONE should be allowed to have a kid when they have the type of "ME ME ME" attitude you are displaying here. What you want is different than what a child needs.

    I am a bio mom, who selfLESSly gave her baby up for adoption when I was 19. I would never, ever, have considered letting my child go to a single parent -- male OR female, because children deserve a mom and a dad. I'm strongly opposed to single parenting through choice (not as a result of divorce).

    Please be aware that the laws are there to protect the best interest of the child, NOT the adult wanting to adopt. Consider the needs of the child over your own "selfish" needs. It might appear to you that you are being selfless in your desire to adopt, but really, it's selfish.

    Wow.. how's the view from up there?
  • avababy05
    avababy05 Posts: 930 Member
    I 'm not going to get into an argument about divorce/child support/custody issues.

    I just wish you the best in your dream to parent another child and hope someday you can open your heart to a loving relationship again.Your too young to give up all together on that. Took me a looong time after my divorce to be open to that.

    But I had my kids and don't know what I would have done without them.

    Good luck!

    .
  • Yanicka1
    Yanicka1 Posts: 4,564 Member
    I was a surro and would have done it for a single men. I know many others who would have done the same.
  • twinketta
    twinketta Posts: 2,130 Member
    A parent is someone that is there for their child, adopted/genetic/fostered whatever.

    A child/infant just wants instruction/constructive tuition but most of all love.

    Nobody is a perfect parent, there is no perfect child.

    IMHO you can not criticize someone that wants to offer them selves as a parent to a child? It is a very hard job and you may get it all wrong and have to live with your behaviour for the rest of your life?
  • upgetupgetup
    upgetupgetup Posts: 749 Member
    What? I have no issue with a man wanting to parent, by adoption or any other means. The court system has been weighted in favour of mothers, albeit for good historical reasons. Sometimes the laws are unfair, or unfairly applied, which may well have been the case here.

    What I was responding to was the dislike and mistrust of women in general that was expressed. If I hated men (which I don't), it wouldn't be good for any son I had, I know that for sure. Or, any daughter, for that matter. It really sounds to me like OP has a major beef with women.

    As for wanting children, I agree with one poster that selfish motivations can be part of that desire, but I think that's true for anyone who wants to parent.

    also, OP made it clear he doesn't want to adopt, he wants a surrogate.
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
    Hi
    I am completely against adoption .it's a selfish thing for the benefit of the adoptive parent - I was a "secret child" put up for adoption shortly after I was born.
    I spent my childhood not relating to any of the people around - I was simply not like them in anyway. I did trace my real family as an adult however they "closed ranks", said they didn't like me and refused to have anything to do with me....a terrible source of heartache...
    Think carefully before taking someone else's child.....
    Ian

    Eh, had a similar experience myself.

    Sometimes, child hood stinks.

    Only thing to do is grow up and be awesome by yourself. It can be that simple.
  • ChristinaR720
    ChristinaR720 Posts: 1,186
    I am a former orphan (abandoned in a subway station and spent a year in foster care before being adopted at age 2) and someone who works in the child welfare world. I completely agree that the system works for many children and families and fails horribly for others. But, what system doesn't work that way? There are over 104,000 children in the U.S. who are waiting for their forever families and millions more around the world. I can guarantee you that a majority of those children would be THRILLED to have ONE parent to provide them with a loving, stable, and permanent home. They don't care if their parents are male, female, single, married, gay, straight, black, or white...they just want a family and a place to call home. The mentality that children should only be adopted by two-parent families is one of the many reasons why there are so many children around the world without families. And, just because a child is adopted into a two-parent family, does not mean that the family will remain as such. I know many families that started with two parents, but are now functioning (and thriving!) as a single-parent families.

    A selfish act in adoption would be to deny a child an opportunity for a family, simply because you don't necessarily agree with the lifestyle, race, gender, marital status, etc. of a prospective adopter.

    To the OP - I commend you for being a seemingly good father who loves his daughter. I hope you won't completely discount adoption before exploring all of the options. I was once that "option" and I have had an amazing life because of the decision my parents made many years ago to grow their family through adoption.
  • _Lori_Lynn_
    _Lori_Lynn_ Posts: 460
    The headaches = a relationship with the mother?
    for sure..... women today make it horrible for the father if they are not together.. and lets face todays percentage of staying together isnt to hot.. everyone knows atleast one giy who has went through complete hell with his childs mom.. always raping men for child support.. and i mean rapping.. when i didnt have full custody we had joint custody.. we had her equal amount of time each week.. i still had to pay $1000 a month in child support for one child.. no i have full custody.. you know what i get.. $15 a week

    This is true. I hear stories from my male clients about what the women do and I say to them, "it's no wonder none of you men ever want to get married again". Poor guys. . My ex (father of my son) was a jerk, but he is MY SON'S dad, not mine. I am not going to stand in the way of that relationship. And I don't need any man's dang money. I can make my own.

    Women who hurt the father's, really hurt the kiddos. Parents should have more love for their children than to take away their other parent. I taught school and i saw the hurt in so many children from the games the divorced parents played. It made my blood boil. That said, the first thing I look for in a man I want to date is how well of a father he is and how respectful he is to the relationship his child has with his ex.

    I got full custody with child support. I declined the child support and I gave my son to his dad anytime my son wanted to be with him. I told the ex, the schedule is open, just let me know. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad AND his mom, bc i love him that much.

    Judges need to get with the program and realize just because you are the father, doesn't mean you aren't a better parent. They seem to always side with the mother. What's worse, I swear 90% of women are psycho (lol). That is why when children turn 12 and can decide where to live, they almost always go to their dad's.

    How old is yours?
  • _Lori_Lynn_
    _Lori_Lynn_ Posts: 460
    I am a former orphan (abandoned in a subway station and spent a year in foster care before being adopted at age 2) and someone who works in the child welfare world. I completely agree that the system works for many children and families and fails horribly for others. But, what system doesn't work that way? There are over 104,000 children in the U.S. who are waiting for their forever families and millions more around the world. I can guarantee you that a majority of those children would be THRILLED to have ONE parent to provide them with a loving, stable, and permanent home. They don't care if their parents are male, female, single, married, gay, straight, black, or white...they just want a family and a place to call home. The mentality that children should only be adopted by two-parent families is one of the many reasons why there are so many children around the world without families. And, just because a child is adopted into a two-parent family, does not mean that the family will remain as such. I know many families that started with two parents, but are now functioning (and thriving!) as a single-parent families.

    A selfish act in adoption would be to deny a child an opportunity for a family, simply because you don't necessarily agree with the lifestyle, race, gender, marital status, etc. of a prospective adopter.

    To the OP - I commend you for being a seemingly good father who loves his daughter. I hope you won't completely discount adoption before exploring all of the options. I was once that "option" and I have had an amazing life because of the decision my parents made many years ago to grow their family through adoption.

    There are millions of children who need homes - but what bites is that is soo expensive to adopt. I would give anything to adopt. I am single, but I can't afford it. It breaks my heart. I would be the best mother to a kiddo. I don't care where they came from, I just want one.
  • ChristinaR720
    ChristinaR720 Posts: 1,186
    I am a former orphan (abandoned in a subway station and spent a year in foster care before being adopted at age 2) and someone who works in the child welfare world. I completely agree that the system works for many children and families and fails horribly for others. But, what system doesn't work that way? There are over 104,000 children in the U.S. who are waiting for their forever families and millions more around the world. I can guarantee you that a majority of those children would be THRILLED to have ONE parent to provide them with a loving, stable, and permanent home. They don't care if their parents are male, female, single, married, gay, straight, black, or white...they just want a family and a place to call home. The mentality that children should only be adopted by two-parent families is one of the many reasons why there are so many children around the world without families. And, just because a child is adopted into a two-parent family, does not mean that the family will remain as such. I know many families that started with two parents, but are now functioning (and thriving!) as a single-parent families.

    A selfish act in adoption would be to deny a child an opportunity for a family, simply because you don't necessarily agree with the lifestyle, race, gender, marital status, etc. of a prospective adopter.

    To the OP - I commend you for being a seemingly good father who loves his daughter. I hope you won't completely discount adoption before exploring all of the options. I was once that "option" and I have had an amazing life because of the decision my parents made many years ago to grow their family through adoption.

    There are millions of children who need homes - but what bites is that is soo expensive to adopt. I would give anything to adopt. I am single, but I can't afford it. It breaks my heart. I would be the best mother to a kiddo. I don't care where they came from, I just want one.

    If you're open to parenting a child with special needs (i.e., children older than 5, children with medical/psychological/behavioral issues, sibling groups, children of color, etc.), adopting from foster care may be a great option for you. The costs of adopting from foster care are actually quite minimal.
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
    The headaches = a relationship with the mother?
    for sure..... women today make it horrible for the father if they are not together.. and lets face todays percentage of staying together isnt to hot.. everyone knows atleast one giy who has went through complete hell with his childs mom.. always raping men for child support.. and i mean rapping.. when i didnt have full custody we had joint custody.. we had her equal amount of time each week.. i still had to pay $1000 a month in child support for one child.. no i have full custody.. you know what i get.. $15 a week
    You sound like a misogynist. I really hope you aren't instilling these values on your child.

    Your experience does not translate to all women. I have this urge to kick you in the shins. Shame on you. And shame on you for using the word "rape" in this context.
  • TrishLG
    TrishLG Posts: 173 Member
    The headaches = a relationship with the mother?
    for sure..... women today make it horrible for the father if they are not together.. and lets face todays percentage of staying together isnt to hot.. everyone knows atleast one giy who has went through complete hell with his childs mom.. always raping men for child support.. and i mean rapping.. when i didnt have full custody we had joint custody.. we had her equal amount of time each week.. i still had to pay $1000 a month in child support for one child.. no i have full custody.. you know what i get.. $15 a week
    My suggestion is to tell her to keep the $15/week. You never want to give her reason for going after the child again. Tell her off the record. I am a woman and know it can be tough on the man. Some lawyers even tell the woman to claim abuse so the court rules even more favorably on her.
    I did foster care. I loved it. Talk about saving a child! The only heart ache is if the mother stops doing drugs, stripping, and prostitution and decides she wants to be a mother and get the child back. Some foster children, the social worker knows if the mother will want the child back or not. But even if she does, I have to think that I opened a window and showed her that she can change her own future and she can take her life in her own hands and not be her mother.
  • LaurySch
    LaurySch Posts: 277 Member
    I am shocked at the responses on here. I think anyone that can prove that they can provide the necessary income, and stable environment and is a stable caring person should have the right to care for another human. How many parents do you know that are not good at being parents.

    How many horror stories do you hear about foster homes and adoptions. I think everyone here needs to go visit a state or government run children's home or homeless shelter. Go see what an unwanted child looks like.

    This man wants to care for another child, and feels he can provide what a child needs on his own, all the power to him! If you want to judge him, what are you doing with your time that is so much better for the future of our world?

    I totally agree. There needs to be ways of screening that are fair for those wanting to adopt, foster or go with surrogacy.

    Just cause you know how to make a baby doesn't mean you should - that applies to EVERYONE no matter married, single, straight or gay, colour, culture or age.

    Until they can find a way to have everyone apply for a Parenting License there will be bad parents. To me it makes sense that people who have proven that they can put the child's well-being first should be allowed to parent over people who parent for selfish reasons.

    Anyway, single mom here saying I hope that you can go forward in your quest to be a better parent to your daughter and to a future child, OP.

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