Partner is making it difficult to exercise
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give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you're going to workout and you'll be back in 45-60 minutes. she will live.
this!
if the only reason is that she misses you, then she is going to have to miss you!
its a sign of her trying to control your behaviour.... do you ever go out with friends without her?
Maybe once a month, and she isn't thrilled about that either, but it happens a lot less frequently.0 -
Are you going to let someone control your life? I say explain to her that you're sorry she feels bad, but getting upset when you leave for an hour a day isn't helping.0
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My whole adult life I have had problems with depression and self doubt. I have been on just about every type of antidepressant and I have spent a considerable amount of time with a therapist. Honestly, some of my problem really was depression, sometimes it was just pure jealousy and childish behaviour.
Having said that, at some point, you just have to say "Your problem, not mine. I'll be back in an hour."0 -
As the wife of a man diagnosed with chronic depression and chronic pain, I can say with all certainty that you can not make your partner get better or feel better. Your partner's health is not going to improve by you neglecting your health.
After years of feeling responsible for my husband's state of mind and well-being, I finally realized there is not a damn thing I can do to make "get better". That is the job of his medical doctors and his psychiatrist.
I have to take care of myself so I can be physically, mentally and emotionally able to support my husband. I learned long ago that sitting on the couch next to him, sitting in his depression did nothing for him and was debilitating to me.
Although I have just recently been going to the gym, eating healthier and being more mindful of my overall health, I have already seen changes in my husband's attitudes. He has expressed interest in following his Dr's orders more diligently and has began to take short walks every other day or so. Be the good influence to your partner.
Go exercise. Take care of yourself. And this is your partner, not your parent. You don't need permission to take care of yourself.
Good luck.
Thanks, this is exactly how I feel. But it feels wrong knowing she'll be at home alone crying and won't speak to me when I get back.
Unfortunately that is her doing the wrong behavior, not you. She is selfishly overreacting, and as much as you love her and want to make her happy, if you cave to her now you're going to get into a behavioral rut, of always placing her first. This can be very damaging to you and your relationship with her.
Me failing to realize this early on, and then resentment building subconsciously to the point where I began to think she was upset even when she wasn't was what killed my 3-year-relationship with my ex-fiancee.
Maybe the relationship will suffer because of this anyway, if she is unwilling to understand that she has to sacrifice some time to you to have to yourself, but if that's the case then you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate your compatibility with her.0 -
All points in this are valid - her feelings and yours. I get the excitement about also being able to save - and that is only by going to the classes. Here are a couple of thoughts:
The best way to take care of her is to take care of you. Limit your time at the gym to what you need to do there - everything else, do at home.
Do everything you can to have her find something exercise wise to do. Exercise helps get the endorphins flowing which help in alleviating some of the feelings of depression and help the depression meds work better. Even gentle exercise!
Work on a compromise of spending some extra quality time together that equals the time you are going to the gym. It has to be real and quality for both of you - even a walk works.
Do everything you can to support her. Clinical depression is really hard. And for someone who doesn't get depressed it is hard to understand but there is really not a lot she can do about it except to follow her doctors advice. I was in your shoes, trying to support a partner who would flip at the flip of a switch when she wasn't taking her medications. It was hard, but if you truly love each other you can compromise and find a way through the darkness.
Good luck to you0 -
Would she not consider going to the gym too? Maybe not to a class but even 45mins on an elliptical would perhaps lift her mood a little rather than sitting at home all the time. I'm not suggesting depressed people just need to get out more but I do believe that sitting at home compounds the problem.
My husband goes to the gym 5days a week which involves him leaving home a 6.20am each weekday. I used to resent it a little as I'd have to get up early too (he's damned noisy!) but now I take that early start and use it to give my dog a longer walk before work as I appreciate it's something he likes to do and it's 'his' time, just like I get Monday's to myself.
It's tricky and I wish you well but giving in to your partner's demands on this could be the thin end of the wedge and I really don't think you'd be helping her by doing it,0 -
I am a homebody to the nth degree, have suffered from mild depression in the past. I am in a relationship with a man that is constantly on the go and talking to everyone and honestly, the man never stops moving.
It hit me one day that I can either keep up with him and his activities or I could focus on what makes me happy and we can have our separate interests as well as our shared endeavors.
It prevents the clingy aspects and assists in providing a solid foundation if your partner finds her own hobbies and runs with them. Having set aside time to be together is a good thing, also. Dinner being a must or meeting up for lunch. But if you start giving up your personal goals, there is a chance you'll start resenting your partner and that'll cause an ugly backslide.
Stay strong, have discussions, and help your partner find her own path. Maybe take her to a few things at the Y or community college and join in on the quest of finding a fulfilling hobby but also keep your goals and hobbies.0 -
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Unfortunately that is her doing the wrong behavior, not you. She is selfishly overreacting, and as much as you love her and want to make her happy, if you cave to her now you're going to get into a behavioral rut, of always placing her first. This can be very damaging to you and your relationship with her.
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Yes, this is called "enabling" and can be VERY damaging and counter-productive.0 -
I'm going to be honest--you have to do what is "best" for your health. Our loved ones, though they may not like it they are away for us, need to understand that this is abt "health" and not ignoring them. Perhaps you 2 can sit down and talk it out.0
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Me failing to realize this early on, and then resentment building subconsciously to the point where I began to think she was upset even when she wasn't was what killed my 3-year-relationship with my ex-fiancee.
Maybe the relationship will suffer because of this anyway, if she is unwilling to understand that she has to sacrifice some time to you to have to yourself, but if that's the case then you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate your compatibility with her.
THIS! It is true, it needs to be addressed. The animosity created in this type of situation (NO ONE likes to feel as if they are being held back) is dangerous. It can cripple relationships and friendships. Don't let it go that far.0 -
Going to the gym 1 hour a day is not selfish. On days that I work from home and my husband is home, I go to the gym for 1 hour and he watches our daughter. He knows that I need this time to myself. I give him time for himself too. It isn't normal for someone to be so needy, and it is definitely not healthy for you or her. Do what you need to do for yourself for that one hour a day. It's not too much.0
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Unfortunately that is her doing the wrong behavior, not you. She is selfishly overreacting, and as much as you love her and want to make her happy, if you cave to her now you're going to get into a behavioral rut, of always placing her first. This can be very damaging to you and your relationship with her.
QFT0 -
Have you gone to her therapist with her? It sounds like she is seeing one?
I'd venture to say that this is less about your working out and leaving her and more about her anxiety and depression. Maybe you two, with the third party, can work on some techniques that she can use to manage her feelings while you are gone?
Giving up on what is important to you isn't going to make her better in the long run. Life isn't going to go easier on her if she just begs it to, so she needs to work with you to find healthy ways to cope with the feelings of abandonment. Hopefully someone with some mental health training can help you two overcome this.
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Unfortunately, there's nothing rational about depression. No amount of logical discussion will alleviate her feelings so all you can do is continue to support those emotional needs as you clearly understand them to be. But to be that person, you absolutely need to refuel and re-energize yourself, exercising, getting a breather for a while and taking the personal time you require so you can be strong for her. You simply can't give in on this - if you do she will ultimately feel no better and you will crash and burn. Hang in there and best of luck...0
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Just break up.
Seriously.
She sounds needy and controlling.0 -
The problem doesn't sound like its your exercise routine. Its her depression. She needs your support but she doesn't need to be enabled either. I recommend that you maintain your routine if it makes you feel good, but spend a little extra time giving her support during this time of need for her when you are not at the gym. Its hard to feel down all the time like that, but your constant presence is only a very small bandaid on a very big wound. Giving in too much will not only hurt you but her as well because it will not enable her to do something for herself and find happiness in other ways. A person cannot find happiness in another person until they are happy with themselves.0
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Just break up.
Seriously.
She sounds needy and controlling.
Im with this guy. No need to surround yourself with that kind of bad energy...............................Go to the gym and dont let others control you.0 -
Relationships are, at the end of the day, about balance. You compromise, you accomodate and somewhere along the line you strike a balance that feels good to both people. That's a normal, healthy, adult relationship.
Now, I'm sorry to say, your relationship does not sound at all like this. If it is, then please forgive me, but I've only got your posts to go by. Sounds like your partner is using you as a crutch. By pandering to her behaviour, you further entrench imbalance that currently exists in the relationship and validate their behaviour. This will ultimately end with you becoming more and more unhappy as you cede more and more of yourself, until one day the proverbial straw that broke the camels back will happen and things will end badly. Probably with lots of shouting, storming out of doors, plenty of recriminations and a messy breakup
My advice is: nut up and live your life. Let your partner know that they need to get their **** together (and that you'll help them do it) if things are going to work out. Sounds pretty selfish, but when you consider that pandering to your partners weird dark obsessiveness will only be worse for them as well as you in the long run, it's probably best for both of you.0 -
It is hard. I have asked my partner to support me because it is important to my health and well being. Most days he works out with me, but I have to do my running alone as he has bad knees. I do feel torn when I leave to go and do my long runs which might take a couple of hours. I tell him that I don't like to be apart, but it is important for me to run so I can make my goal happen. He understands.
I agree with others that it is an important sign of a good relationship that your partner accept your wishes and support you in your goals, especially if they are healthy ones.0 -
She is being really selfish. You should break up.0
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I see a lot of posts about food sabotage, but do any of you have a partner who is opposed to you exercising?
My partner recently went from being at work about 14 hours a day (and continuing to do work when she got home) to not working at all. She's been sick and is suffering from depression and anxiety, and is seeing a lot of doctors to get those things treated. When she was working all the time I got into an exercise routine-- it was something to do while she was busy working, and I looked forward to every day.
Now that she's home all the time she gets upset when I leave to go work out for 45-60 minutes. I plan on backing off on my workouts to 3-4 times a week, but my barre and spin studio is doing a challenge this month: if you do 30 classes you get 30% off the next package you buy. I was initially really excited about the opportunity to challenge myself, and about the potential to save $120. But now she get so sad and angry when I leave to go to a class. I feel this isn't fair to me, but it doesn't change the way she feels. I can't get her to come with me because she doesn't like barre and one of her doctors says she shouldn't do spinning. Any advice on how to handle this situation and still meet my exercise goals is appreciated!
she is suffering depression and anxiety, these are feeding into her insecurity.
she probably sees (completely illogically but still she's not right in the head right now as you admitted) that your working out is going to lead to you leaving her...
you can't change or help that....all you can do is continue your path to better health and support her as she does the same....that is ALL you can do.
keep working out, keep reassuring her...
that's all you can do...
or you can do what Dani suggests....Dani knows.0 -
I see a lot of posts about food sabotage, but do any of you have a partner who is opposed to you exercising?
My partner recently went from being at work about 14 hours a day (and continuing to do work when she got home) to not working at all. She's been sick and is suffering from depression and anxiety, and is seeing a lot of doctors to get those things treated. When she was working all the time I got into an exercise routine-- it was something to do while she was busy working, and I looked forward to every day.
Now that she's home all the time she gets upset when I leave to go work out for 45-60 minutes. I plan on backing off on my workouts to 3-4 times a week, but my barre and spin studio is doing a challenge this month: if you do 30 classes you get 30% off the next package you buy. I was initially really excited about the opportunity to challenge myself, and about the potential to save $120. But now she get so sad and angry when I leave to go to a class. I feel this isn't fair to me, but it doesn't change the way she feels. I can't get her to come with me because she doesn't like barre and one of her doctors says she shouldn't do spinning. Any advice on how to handle this situation and still meet my exercise goals is appreciated!
Her problems can't be yours. Just do your workout and if she gets moody or depressed, ignore it. Don't reward her negative behavior.0 -
She is being really selfish. You should break up.
Im with this fine young lady...........................0 -
Exercise can do wonders for anxiety and depression. Suggest that she joins you. If not, then you should continue doing what makes you happy.0
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Support her in her efforts to get past her depression, but don't do that by giving up what is good for you. You can't give over control of your life to someone with emotional problems.
I agree with the above comment of "kiss her, invite her to go with you, go in any case."
You can't make those around you healthy. Work on you and support her.0 -
To get 30% off you have to attend 30 classes in 30 days??? That's a terrible deal. Don't bother with that.
As for the other thing, you get to have an hour for yourself each day. You didn't make her quit her job when she was working 12 hour shifts and now that she isn't she doesn't get to force you to change your routine.0 -
To get 30% off you have to attend 30 classes in 30 days??? That's a terrible deal. Don't bother with that.
As for the other thing, you get to have an hour for yourself each day. You didn't make her quit her job when she was working 12 hour shifts and now that she isn't she doesn't get to force you to change your routine.
I'm sorry, why is it a terrible deal? I have unlimited classes for the month anyway and I'd be saving $120 for the next. Plus it's fun.0 -
I like unlimited classes and when I sign up for something that's usually the route I go. But that's so I can take 4-5 classes a week of my choosing, not so that I'm forced to take a class every single day. Or two classes a day, 4x a week. No matter how you slice it, I'm not doing anything 7 days a week.0
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I've been on both sides of this fence. I was the non active wife for 9 years and i resented all the gym time my husband did. Not only that but he joins sports leagues, and takes long runs and bike rides. I never understood it and felt it took too much time away from family. He did have high triglycerides at 18 & heart disease runs rampant in his family. He also had both shoulder reconstructed & has to lift weights to keep strength. So while i resented it at the same time his patiently explaining to me that he does this for medical reasons helped me. He also changed it so he does alot before work when we were still sleep instead of during the evening family time (for the most part). It also helped if he would ask me which day was better as in, i need to run. Is Saturday morning or Sunday morning better? That way i felt i had a little control. I have say allot was jealousy on my part that he was dedicated fitness, something held No interest for me. I was jealous he was in such great shape. Jealous of the time it took him away from me. I admit i have him hell alot which i shouldn't have.
As of Jan of this year i decided to get off my butt, get a trainer and become a gym rat! Now that I'm getting that exercise high I'm so much more understanding of his need for fitness! Now we trade off the kid on weekends to both get our gym time in! He still does not as far as sports but i find myself more understanding of his time and schedule. And now happier with MYSELF and the jealousy is gone.
Just be patient with her and communicate. Spend quality time with her and be present when you are home. Not on the ipad, phone ect. Explain the health, medical reasons you want to work out. You may not turn her into a gym rat but maybe SHE needs more "me" time even if that's at a bookstore or a night out with girlfriends. It will help with her resentment. My husband told me to take more time for myself but i felt guilty(many women do guilty well!) but it really did help if i had set time away from family obligations too. Talk talk talk! Explain you want to make her happy but that fitness needs time in your life and how can you best work around that together? Good luck. Fyi, now my husband is a little jealous of my fitness dedication too so we spur each other onto our goals instead of letting it cause a rift.0 -
Still keep your gym membership, but instead of going to the gym the usual 4 times that you go, work out at home and only go to the gym once or twice a week and spend no more than 45 mins to an hour when you go so that it won't seem like you were gone for too long. That's called compromise. If she still has a problem with that, then she's being really unfair and you have another problem.0
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