I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

courtneywiens · March 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

Matt_Wild · March 2013

Yes. Here on MFP.

You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."

No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.

I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.

Totally classless.

soldier4242 · March 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

cmriverside · March 2013

soldier4242 said it much more nicely than I would.

They were being nice.

Don't go looking for negatives in everything, and you won't find them.

*edit grammar. In three sentences, forPeteSake. argh.

chels0722 · March 2013

I understand. It irritates me when people call me "skinny". I'm fit, and I work damn hard to stay this way.

Why can't people just say "You look fantastic!" (or some variation of that)

It's not that hard. 3 words. Maybe 2-3 seconds of their time. I feel for ya girl.

By the way,

You look fantastic!

You keep doing what you're doing girl! Your hard work is paying off, so keep your chin up and keep marchin on!

mightyfrances · March 2013

You look great, just assume they want to compliment you.

WIChelle · March 2013

Not recently because I have packed the lbs back on in the last few years. In 2000 I lost a lot of weight. A male client of mine said "WOW. your husband must like you way better now that your so darn hot and not so fat! You have always been pretty but wow were you fat! "

I Told him him he sounded like a j ack@ss and to think about what he just said. . He is lucky he did not lose an ear during that haircut.

I think in general people really usually do mean well but have absolutely no idea how what they are saying actually sounds. I personally don't like people to comment on my weight at all I do not not comment on others. I'll just say YOU LOOK GREAT!

amandamb22 · March 2013

Some of that may have left me with a ? face, such as "weird to see you so thin" but I probably would have laughed it off and make a joke about it to them, but that's who I am!

Maybe your friends are rude?;) Or maybe you're just taking things a little more sensitive, it does sounds like they were trying to pay compliments - as you called them that yourself? Don't take someone who is literally saying there's a change in your appearence (even if they use the word "weird") as a dig on what's "normal".

So I guess the first bit is just pondering, I don't really know, but I feel confident in saying don't push off compliments of people saying they are proud of you. Are you not proud of yourself?? Maybe that comes off to others too, and that's a good thing, IMO! I don't know anything about you at ALL and I see the +80lbs lost and I'M proud of you!!!!

Just a few thoughts, either way, good luck with it~

courtneywiens · March 2013

The point of asking this question was to find out how other people deal with hearing things that people say in response to weight loss, not to be psychoanalyzed. I don't "look for negatives in everything" and i don't have "insecurities so severe that I put my friends in a catch 22"...it was simply a question. There's no need for judgment.

chels0722 · March 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

I can see what you are saying here. This is a possiblility. But I have also known friends who purposefully will indirectly insult others by saying phrases like that. I know this because they told me this after saying similar things to one of my friends after she lost weight. It was their own insecurites that made them rude and disrespectful. But this is also the minority of people who say those things.

OP, soldier4242 maybe right, but give your friends the benefit of the doubt. I am sure they are being supportive. It is fine to have some of your own insecurities, but don't let them ruin the compliments others give you

Just kill them with kindness and do you!

courtneywiens · March 2013

Some of that may have left me with a ? face, such as "weird to see you so thin" but I probably would have laughed it off and make a joke about it to them, but that's who I am! Maybe your friends are rude?;) Or maybe you're just taking things a little more sensitive, it does sounds like they were trying to pay compliments - as you called them that yourself? Don't take someone who is literally saying there's a change in your appearence (even if they use the word "weird") as a dig on what's "normal".

So I guess the first bit is just pondering, I don't really know, but I feel confident in saying don't push off compliments of people saying they are proud of you. Are you not proud of yourself?? Maybe that comes off to others too, and that's a good thing, IMO! I don't know anything about you at ALL and I see the +80lbs lost and I'M proud of you!!!!

Just a few thoughts, either way, good luck with it~

thanks, that's great advice. love your profile pic by the way, so true!

chocolateweights · March 2013

My pet peeve is "You look good for having 5 kids." Underlying message...so if I didn't have 5 kids I wouldn't look good? I know that isn't what people mean when they are saying it but its what is what is conveyed. You have to learn to let it go. The real approval can't come from everyone around you, it has to come from the person in the mirror. Just say thank you and move on. You will learn who you can and cant talk about your progress with. Not everyone wants to hear it or celebrate it.

susanmc31 · March 2013

This wasn't meant to be a compliment but...

I once was told (through a mutual friend) that I was so fat that this person said that my husband could not be attracted to someone me because I was so fat. It hurt so much and I really want to punch this person. I guess the way I got over it is that I am happily married and this person is still single (plus really overweight themselves!) and miserable.

Edited to add: My husband is very attracted to me! :blushing:

monstergirl14 · March 2013

We have no idea who your friends are; the way that they spoke, or even if they are normally rude/disrespectful is how you would be able to tell if they tried to insult you, or were just genuinely complimenting you. I do agree with what others are saying, I think your self esteem still needs a bit of work Also, when someone tells you that they are proud of you, that is in no way an insult. That's one of my most favorite things to hear.
What you need to realize is that you lost a lot of weight, and no matter what anyone says, you should be beaming with pride. You should be walking around like your poop doesn't stink. It takes a lot of time, determination, will power, and courage to do what you did. You are stronger more than ever because of it. I would take everything that your friends said as a compliment; after all, they are your friends, right?

courtneywiens · March 2013

My pet peeve is "You look good for having 5 kids." Underlying message...so if I didn't have 5 kids I wouldn't look good? I know that isn't what people mean when they are saying it but its what is what is conveyed. You have to learn to let it go. The real approval can't come from everyone around you, it has to come from the person in the mirror. Just say thank you and move on. You will learn who you can and cant talk about your progress with. Not everyone wants to hear it or celebrate it.

good point. i know there isn't always an underlying message but you can find one if you look for it and it can be hurtful. the point is people do mean well, they just don't know how to show it sometimes haha. i don't really talk about my weight loss or progress, i don't like to make a big deal about it because it's just a series of healthy life adjustments and a lot of hard work that have gotten me here, not some miracle or secret that people are always hoping to find out about. i guess that's why it's a billion dollar industry!

csuhar · March 2013

Let it roll off your back if it offends you.

If you can't do that, then take a moment and think about it: Is this person REALLY the kind who would be hiding an insult? Sure, they may not think to figure out the various ways you may take their comment, but that doesn't mean they're trying to be two-faced.

Pretty much any compliment could be turned into an insult if the recipient has a mind to do it.

pmattison · March 2013

Don't let the "deep thinkers" get you down. Being heavy really does create a great deal of mental and emotional issues that we may not even realize we face.

Regarding the comments....some otherwise well meaning people just do not know how to give a compliment. Some people always have to get a little jab in to make themselves feel better. Or, as someone said - you may just have rude friends. I have found that women have trouble being truly happy for the successes of other women. I have a couple of people in my life that are just waiting for me to gain my weight back. They just can't help themselves.

You have worked hard, you look great, just try to accept the good and ignore the not so good!

Thin poeple get treated differently. It is just a fact of life.

HappyNinjaStar · March 2013

As we lose weight, sometimes learning how to take compliments is one of the hardest hills to crest. I will definitely admit that well meant compliments rubbed me the wrong way from time to time.

But it really comes down to simple facts. You were overweight. Now you are not. It was a hard journey. If you friends are truly friends they want you to know that they realize those facts. Unfortunately weight loss/gain is a touchy subject and involves a lot of emotions. It's easy to say to a friend, 'Hey you got a new car, it looks great.' For some reason it's much harder to say to a friend, 'Hey you got a new body, it looks great.'

Try to leave the 'implied' bits alone, it will only mess with you. Try to take what they said at face value and not read more into it. I can almost guarantee they were not meant with any malice and they were genuinely trying to acknowledge your hard work. The sooner you're able to accept the new you and not feel ashamed of the old you (a tall order, I know; I am still working on not hating the old me), the easier it will be to acknowledge the well meant compliments.

drchimpanzee · March 2013

Actually met a friend of a friend out this weekend who was in to fitness and we talked some about my weight loss at some point. She ended up dropping the "skinny fat" term on me when describing how I turned out. Yeah, sorry after losing 140lbs that I didn't turn out to be carved out of wood. That's women for you.

JaninaRello · March 2013

Heeh... Tiny back story: I'm down 236 pounds.

This past weekend I ran my first 5K. One of my friends finished before me and hung out at the finish line to take my picture of me and my other friend crossing. I showed my mom the picture she said:

*tsk* "Ya look so heavy..."

She really did. One of the proudest moments of my life on film and she almost ruined it for me.

She wasn't being malicious and it took a full day to recoup from her comment. My point in telling you that story is: Yeah, it gets old, yeah it's annoying as hell, but they do mean well and there are ways you can cut it short. When they start with the compliments, cut it short with "Thanks! You look great too! Did you dye your hair??" and start in on them with the compliments back. Flip the conversation.

Congratulations on your weight loss. 87 pounds is amazing

courtneywiens · March 2013

Actually met a friend of a friend out this weekend who was in to fitness and we talked some about my weight loss at some point. She ended up dropping the "skinny fat" term on me when describing how I turned out. Yeah, sorry after losing 140lbs that I didn't turn out to be carved out of wood. That's women for you.

well i think you look great! and congrats on your weight loss, that's amazing!!

icimani · March 2013

Weight is such a touchy personal subject, isn't it?!
In a lot of ways, I have/had more trouble talking to a therapist about my weight than I did about abuse issues. Weird.

I think we need to be careful that we don't project our own insecurities into otherwise benign compliments, and take them for what they are - compliments for what we've worked darn hard at achieving!

Congrats on your weight loss! Give yourself a pat on the back - and let others do the same!

miqisha · March 2013

Nothing you mentioned your friends said, didn't come off as being negative.

If you are used to a person being over weight, and then they lose a bunch of weight, it will take a while to get use to them looking slim.

If you are as skinny as a person now, whats wrong with that, that should make you feel great

If they are proud of you, shouldn't that be good

the funny thing is I am sure if they hadn't noticed or not said anything at all, you would be just as upset

Good luck on your success

AmyS79 · March 2013

I get what she is saying. Its like she just just was around or the girl everyone liked but because she was over weight overlooked. But now they see her different and it makes her think she was part of the group but not part of it. I get that.

CynthiaElise · March 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

^^ VERY WELL SAID

spillymom · March 2013

Truly, I'd typically just try to look at the good in what they said and ignore the rest. If it didn't come across right, or even wasn't meant as nicely as it should have been, you don't benefit from being irritated by it and it doesn't hurt them either unless you make a big deal out of it. I got asked when my baby was due yesterday. When I told him I wasn't pregnant, he said, "Oh, you just had one didn't you. How old is your youngest?" and I pointed at my 5 year old. Then he went on and on about how I looked pregnant. I have a lot of weight to loose yet, and I'm only 7 pounds into this journey, but I've lost 80 lbs in the past, and a little less a couple other times when I had babies. I know how hard it is, and how proud you are, so don't let anyone take anything from that joy. You deserve to feel DANG good about yourself regardless of whatever statements someone might make. You are awesome, and you should be proud. And I might be guilty of telling people I was proud of them in the past, but I sincerely just meant that I knew how hard they had worked, and I was so happy that it had all paid off for them. When you love someone, friend or family, you are invested in their happiness, and I think that means you have the right to feel pride in their accomplishments.

missCherry1977 · March 2013

I really think that there is nothing people can say that is "right". No matter what people say or don't say someone will find a reason to be offended by it. Just take it the way it was intended, as a compliment.

Lupercalia · March 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

This is right on. I understand being sensitive, but perhaps don't consider things beyond what they are at face value. In other words, if someone says they're proud of you, let it be! Why shouldn't they be proud of you? I'm proud of my friends and family for various reasons, and if I say so, I certainly don't mean it in a patronising way. Not sure why you think that about others, except that perhaps you know your friends are a bunch of complete tools. Otherwise, it should be taken as what it seems to be: a compliment.

If you can't trust what your friends tell you, you either need to figure out what's going on with your head or find new friends.

leantool · March 2013

not all are deliberate hurtful comments, sometimes people blurt things out when they face such a dramatic transformation.don't bother to get hairsplitting over this,
then again you did the right thing to put it in the success stories, this should be taken as NSV. someone saying you are almost as slim as that person, may be just stating the fact or she may have just recognized you as another person who is probably going to get a similar share of the attention pool at hand(competition =watchfulness=jealousy=backhandedness), you have earned it girl, enjoy it!:drinker:

LorinaLynn · March 2013

Here's how I look at it. I ask myself, "Is this someone who cares about me?"

If yes, then I give them the benefit of the doubt that it's just an awkward subject to talk about and that they mean well.

If not, then who gives a damn what they think?

BOOMaggedon · March 2013

I am 100% with you on this one. But here are the things I keep in mind:

1.) This journey is about me. Very few of my friends and family know just how hard I have worked or how much I have put in to get to this point. But this is a matter of "self improvement".

2.) Not everyone understands what you have accomplished. You should not expect them to. Until they have walked a mile in your shoes...they will have no clue.

3.) Not everyone has tact or is tactful. I have to look in the mirror too. There are things I say to people that I think are great and someone will take the wrong way.

4.) At the end of this the only person who needs to be happy with your progress is that face looking back in the mirror at you.

Lastly...

5.) Better that someone give you a backhanded compliment rather and at least notice you are making changes over someone not noticing you have been busting your backside to improve.

You look amazing, you've been busting your butt to look and feel amazing, so go forth and BE AMAZING! From a fellow traveler on the journey...mega proppers to ya! Well done!

I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

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