I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults
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Weight is such a touchy personal subject, isn't it?!
In a lot of ways, I have/had more trouble talking to a therapist about my weight than I did about abuse issues. Weird.
I think we need to be careful that we don't project our own insecurities into otherwise benign compliments, and take them for what they are - compliments for what we've worked darn hard at achieving!
Congrats on your weight loss! Give yourself a pat on the back - and let others do the same!0 -
Nothing you mentioned your friends said, didn't come off as being negative.
If you are used to a person being over weight, and then they lose a bunch of weight, it will take a while to get use to them looking slim.
If you are as skinny as a person now, whats wrong with that, that should make you feel great
If they are proud of you, shouldn't that be good
the funny thing is I am sure if they hadn't noticed or not said anything at all, you would be just as upset
Good luck on your success0 -
I get what she is saying. Its like she just just was around or the girl everyone liked but because she was over weight overlooked. But now they see her different and it makes her think she was part of the group but not part of it. I get that.0
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I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.
Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.
1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.
2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.
3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.
The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.
^^ VERY WELL SAID
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Truly, I'd typically just try to look at the good in what they said and ignore the rest. If it didn't come across right, or even wasn't meant as nicely as it should have been, you don't benefit from being irritated by it and it doesn't hurt them either unless you make a big deal out of it. I got asked when my baby was due yesterday. When I told him I wasn't pregnant, he said, "Oh, you just had one didn't you. How old is your youngest?" and I pointed at my 5 year old. Then he went on and on about how I looked pregnant. I have a lot of weight to loose yet, and I'm only 7 pounds into this journey, but I've lost 80 lbs in the past, and a little less a couple other times when I had babies. I know how hard it is, and how proud you are, so don't let anyone take anything from that joy. You deserve to feel DANG good about yourself regardless of whatever statements someone might make. You are awesome, and you should be proud. And I might be guilty of telling people I was proud of them in the past, but I sincerely just meant that I knew how hard they had worked, and I was so happy that it had all paid off for them. When you love someone, friend or family, you are invested in their happiness, and I think that means you have the right to feel pride in their accomplishments.0
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I really think that there is nothing people can say that is "right". No matter what people say or don't say someone will find a reason to be offended by it. Just take it the way it was intended, as a compliment.0
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I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.
Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.
1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.
2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.
3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.
The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.
This is right on. I understand being sensitive, but perhaps don't consider things beyond what they are at face value. In other words, if someone says they're proud of you, let it be! Why shouldn't they be proud of you? I'm proud of my friends and family for various reasons, and if I say so, I certainly don't mean it in a patronising way. Not sure why you think that about others, except that perhaps you know your friends are a bunch of complete tools. Otherwise, it should be taken as what it seems to be: a compliment.
If you can't trust what your friends tell you, you either need to figure out what's going on with your head or find new friends.0 -
not all are deliberate hurtful comments, sometimes people blurt things out when they face such a dramatic transformation.don't bother to get hairsplitting over this,
then again you did the right thing to put it in the success stories, this should be taken as NSV. someone saying you are almost as slim as that person, may be just stating the fact or she may have just recognized you as another person who is probably going to get a similar share of the attention pool at hand(competition =watchfulness=jealousy=backhandedness), you have earned it girl, enjoy it!:drinker:0 -
Here's how I look at it. I ask myself, "Is this someone who cares about me?"
If yes, then I give them the benefit of the doubt that it's just an awkward subject to talk about and that they mean well.
If not, then who gives a damn what they think?0 -
I am 100% with you on this one. But here are the things I keep in mind:
1.) This journey is about me. Very few of my friends and family know just how hard I have worked or how much I have put in to get to this point. But this is a matter of "self improvement".
2.) Not everyone understands what you have accomplished. You should not expect them to. Until they have walked a mile in your shoes...they will have no clue.
3.) Not everyone has tact or is tactful. I have to look in the mirror too. There are things I say to people that I think are great and someone will take the wrong way.
4.) At the end of this the only person who needs to be happy with your progress is that face looking back in the mirror at you.
Lastly...
5.) Better that someone give you a backhanded compliment rather and at least notice you are making changes over someone not noticing you have been busting your backside to improve.
You look amazing, you've been busting your butt to look and feel amazing, so go forth and BE AMAZING! From a fellow traveler on the journey...mega proppers to ya! Well done! 0 -
at one point in time I was 100 lbs skinnier than I am now and I was the size I am now before that. Well, the jist of the story is that people would compliment me on how much weight I had lost and how much better I look when skinnier and a lot of similar comments but I just smiled and beamed and took the compliments because the fact of the matter is that I did look good when they complimented me. I was as skinney as they were and I was looking better than ever. That person was in my past so why should I worry about that. Now I do realize I have gained that weight back but the moral is the same: Live in the moment. Because at this moment in time this is who you are, who cares about who you were when that is no longer who you are? You can't go back to the past, you can't live in the past, you can only LEARN from the past so look to the present and enjoy the praise.
Also, keep in mind that it could be worse. I dated a guy while I was thinner who told me that I wasn't as pretty anymore since I lost weight. Not becuase he like chubby girls or anything, he just thought I wasn't that pretty anymore. It was down right rude but whatever I am who I am and I look how I look. I can change my weight but I can't change my face, ya know? So be greatful that they see your hard work and they appreciate it. lol0 -
I get it I understand. I wish weight loss wasn't so public, but unfortunately it is.
this is what you have to do chalk it up that they are just moronic idiots, and have no idea what to say when a person gets healthier and depending on the people everyone loves a good story of failure so your story of success isnt that fun.
Just go with it smile and say thank you. And under your breathe go Idiot. Dont let them tell you stories or give you advice. I'll change the subject quickly too usually something pretty political just to get their small brains off of my weight.0 -
It's so true! Makes you want to move to a part of the world where no one ever knew you when you were fat.0
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Yes. Here on MFP.
You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."
No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.
I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.
Totally classless.
^^^This^^^. Very well said.0 -
I totally get what you are saying! I have a theory, maybe they have wanted/are wanting to loose 5-10 pounds and the fact that you are doing it SUCCESSFULLY makes them a little jealous, because losing weight is hard. Another theory (please do not take this offensively... think of it from a girl's perspective), you know how in a group of girlfriends, there is always the hot one and then there is one that is usually not so hot/bigger/whatever? Maybe the "hot one" is now worried that you are going to take her spot! Take that! So, high five from all the girls (me) who were the "bigger" girls in their group of girlfriends!
On another note.... I worked with a group of older overweight women. When I started loosing and they starting noticing, there was no great job! It was "well, you can do it because you are young." Gee thanks.
Good luck and congrats!0 -
My husband 'complimented' me this morning, at least I'm sure he meant it as a compliment. He said, you're losing, I can tell, I"ll be able to pick you up in no time. lol.
Great.0 -
I completely understand what you mean.
I have some friends who constantly say things like, "Wow, you look really skinny today." Today? What did I look like yesterday? How about last week? What will I look like tomorrow?
I tend to pick apart every compliment because I don't believe compliments are generally people being ACTUALLY genuine. People say crap just to hear their own voice.
I had a friend say, "Doesn't Cynthia's face look thin today?" My other friend said, "Well, it looks like it did yesterday...."
Maybe people are just awkward with their compliments, but when I wear the same work pants, I see you every day and then "Today you look good in those pants." WTF does that REALLY mean?!?!
Rant over. I hate compliments. They are almost always meant as insults....or are just freaking awkward. People should just be silent.0 -
they were being nice...take it as its meant...
sometime's people don't know what to say or how to say it, but they really REALLY do want to say something acknowledging what you've accomplished.
they did the best the could so show you they noticed and they love it.
accept it.0 -
no advice just to tell you i feel your pain...i have been losing for about the last 2 years, in teh last six months ive pretty much stayed the same no more significant loss (which I am ok with), had my daughters birthday celebration this weekend, darling family member who hasnt seen me in about 6 months comes up and says "I mean this is the nicest way possible...but you look like *kitten*..youre too skinny" i didnt even know what to say...trust me i by far wasnt the thinnest person at the party, nor am i too skinny, nor am i any smaller than when she last saw me, i jsut couldn't believe it, i sat there dumbfounded.0
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I really think that there is nothing people can say that is "right". No matter what people say or don't say someone will find a reason to be offended by it. Just take it the way it was intended, as a compliment.
But this is true....0
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