I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults
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I couldn't have said that better myself.
I let others make me feel bad about my looks for a long time, but when I decided to start exercising and eating healthy I had to dig deep and find a real motivation from within. The only way I have actually been able to start this new path has been to turn away from what I think others want from me and figure out what I want from me. I want to see what my body is capable of doing, and I want to look in the mirror and see someone I think is beautiful. I never once think about what others will think about me or say to me when I'm in my zone sweating through the hardest parts of my workout or fighting off the urge to order a pizza and wings, because I refuse to let others define me. I am the one that will have an active part in the person that I am becoming. Focus on what you want in the world and let the other stuff fade away, and there will be quality people out there that will see what you see, but there will always be idiots that may say or do hurtful things. Just remember that you have the choice to give them that power over you or not.0 -
I get what you're saying. We all want to be accepted for who we are, just the way we are. But unfortunately we don't live in a society that operates in that fashion. And if we are not comfortable in our own skin, then many times what people mean as a compliment can be taken out of context and seen as an insult.
For example, and this may be a bit much for this thread since most of the posters have consisted of folks of a race other than mine, but. I am a dark skinned African American woman. I have heard for YEARS, even as a child, the expression, "you're such a pretty black girl!" (black as in skin tone/color, not race/ethnicity). And I've always thought, well, why can't I just be pretty; why do I have to be a pretty "black" girl? To this day I still get those type of "compliments" from men. I had three guys (at different times in life) that were interested in me say to me that they had never even looked twice at someone of a darker skin tone, but I was "so beautiful" I was the exception. Of course at first take, I think, WTH?! But with skin tone being something I can't change (unless of course I use bleaching options....NOT) I've learned to embrace it as a compliment. They mean well.
The same is true with obesity. As someone overweight, we ultimately want the love and admiration of our family and friends, and even the world around us. But our society is not programmed that way. So when you accomplish something that society deems "acceptable" you're bound to get complimentsthat may seem like an insult.
You've gotta learn to take a step back, and evaluate it for what it is. As many people have said here already, if they are really your friends, they only want what's best for you, and they are genuinely rejoicing with you. Unless....you aren't rejoicing....
Personally, I'm always SUPER excited when someone notices my progress. Even comments like, "are you taking crack tablets now?", I can not only find the humor in, but also the compliment. I look great, and I feel great! And so should you.0 -
I get "compliments" like "wow your getting thin, don't lose too much or you'll look anorexic!" or "you're doing great but don't you think you're losing too much?" or "You didn't need to lose anything I don't get why you're putting so much effort into it!"
I get those three things all the time and I am so sick of defending myself. It's like the only people that can't be proud or happy for you are the lazy ones that won't do it for themselves. UGH0 -
You choose how others make you feel and how you react to what they say and do.
You can choose to take compliments as compliments or turn them into something negative and allow yourself to feel bad.0 -
I'm not insulted by anyone who notices my weight loss. My very best friend in the whole world didn't even recognize me a couple of months ago (I was 25 pounds down from the last time I had seen her). She has always been the beautiful, skinny one in the family. She couldn't stop saying some of the same things you heard from your friends. I took every single one of them as a sincere compliment because she was so shocked at the transformation. If you've lost 87 pounds your friends were likely shocked beyond coherent thought and did the best they could with the words they could come up with. The bottom line is, when you walk into a room, be prepared for people to awkwardly compliment you. Those who are sincere are just having trouble finding the right words. Those who are being sarcastic are jealous. Either way, you win!0
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I'm not insulted by anyone who notices my weight loss. My very best friend in the whole world didn't even recognize me a couple of months ago (I was 25 pounds down from the last time I had seen her). She has always been the beautiful, skinny one in the family. She couldn't stop saying some of the same things you heard from your friends. I took every single one of them as a sincere compliment because she was so shocked at the transformation. If you've lost 87 pounds your friends were likely shocked beyond coherent thought and did the best they could with the words they could come up with. The bottom line is, when you walk into a room, be prepared for people to awkwardly compliment you. Those who are sincere are just having trouble finding the right words. Those who are being sarcastic are jealous. Either way, you win!
This is pretty much what I was going to say. I think anyone that just notices that I have been working my butt off and they say anything...... it's a compliment. I really think sometimes we take things way to serious.0 -
I was never insulted by these types of comments, but one time I was kind of hurt when a friend saw some old photos of (chubby) me in high school. He said I am a "rare combination of hott looksand good personality now" because I used to be fat and unattractive.
.....Thanks bro? Lol.0 -
I have a hard time accepting compliments. Sounds like you do to. Ive recently tried to just respond with "thanks, I feel great. It was a lot of hard work but now it's just normal". Losing weight IS HARD. Please give yourself the credit you deserve.0
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You look super hot now. I dont even care what you looked like before.
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My mother (God rest her soul) was always one for seeing things that weren't there, i.e., she would try to ready between the lines of emails or notes that people sent to her, and she would say to me, "what do you think they're trying to say to me?" And I would assure her that they meant what they said and there was no unlying message. It was very frustrating, so I have always tried to accept something at face value and see it as positive rather than negative. Believe me, there are many times when I incorrectly thought someone was saying something nasty; but I have to catch myself and let it go. I decided that I would be nice and accept what is said as complimentary. I like to think that deep down inside people are kind and don't mean to hurt you..0
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I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.
Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.
1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.
2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.
3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.
The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.
After reading this Man's response to your post, I don't think it's necessary to say much more. Congrats honey on your weight loss. It's awesome that you've achieved exactly what you set out to do. Weight loss is so hard and is something that so many people struggle with yet you accomplished it you deserve all the compliments in the world! But I agree with the above quote, it sounds like you might still be a little insecure. 0 -
Then again... whenever someone says "You look well", or "You're looking healthy" I panic and think they mean fat! Haha you can't win with some of us!0
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I am the "heavy" one in my family and so I get it everytime I see my mom or sisters. It makes me not even want to see them for fear of having to live through those akward comments. I don't have any advice. Just know that most people mean it as a compliment. For those that are being passive agressive, let them be what they were born to be.0
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A person sees you, a thought occurs and words come out of their mouth. If it made you feel good.... Bonus! If not, give that comment the same amount of time the person who said it did. About 10 or 20 seconds of thought. Spend the rest of your time focusing on what makes you happy. Good on you for taking the steps that lead to a healthy happy you.0
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First of all.. MEN, do not get it. AT ALL. Not even a little bit. I have only lost 17 lbs but I was just only slightly overweight and I get these comments all of the time. I do not know how your friends are but mine probably don't mean well by their comments. My favorite one to date is "Every time I see you, you look more like a skinny crack head!" typically followed by an awkward laugh and then something like "Oh, I am just joking, you look good" and then my second favorite.... "WOW, how did you get smaller than me?" Because it's so shocking that I could also be smoking hot?
My friends are B*tches, 100% but I typically let them know when something pisses me off. It's how we function. Women are sneaky in that they always have hidden meaning in what they say or what they say jokingly is typically at least partially how they feel.
Before everyone starts with the negativity, not ALL women are like this.. just the majority of the ones I know..... 0 -
I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.
Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
I agree with some of the others, I think perhaps you're reading into what they're saying a bit too much. Maybe they are making a back-handed compliment, but take it as a compliment. I used to be (and still am on occasion) overly sensitive to people's comments, whether it be a little teasing, a back-handed compliment, sarcasm, etc. I would take everything very literal and read between the lines, even when there weren't any lines to read between. I work as a swim instructor, so my uniform is a speedo - not much I can hide in that thing. One of my kids (about 5 years old, and everyone knows children don't have a verbal filter) said yesterday, "Teacher Laura, your back fat doesn't stick out anymore!" I knew for a child, that was a compliment. The old me probably would have internalized that comment and gotten depressed about it, even though the comment was a child! At that moment, I just had to laugh.
So, take what they say just as a compliment. Maybe they are trying to insult you indirectly, but that just shows their insecurities. You are doing great, and you should be proud of yourself and let others be proud of you as well. Yes, you may not be doing it for anyone but yourself, but there's no reason you should feel belittled by them feeling proud of you. I'm doing a 5K race in just over a week. My mom said she's proud that I'm taking control of my health. I'm really not doing this for her, but I still like to hear that someone is proud of me, regardless of what their pride is about.0 -
The point of asking this question was to find out how other people deal with hearing things that people say in response to weight loss, not to be psychoanalyzed. I don't "look for negatives in everything" and i don't have "insecurities so severe that I put my friends in a catch 22"...it was simply a question. There's no need for judgment.
I get what you mean. I have a horrible self image from the Me 35 lbs ago. I sometimes feel like when someone says how great I look, I instantly think "How bad did I look to you before?" BUT - we have to catch ourselves from thinking that these compliments are underhanded. Weight is a sensitive topic. Your friends ARE proud of you for working on your health. They're not better than you, you've just done something hard, and wonderful.
I think that the easiest compliment to take is simply "you look great". It's an easy reply too - "thank you!"0 -
My favorite (I'm being sarcastic) is: "Oh wow, your husband must be so happy now!" Um, great, b/c he didn't think I was attractive before? He married me fat! I know people don't mean any harm, but that one REALLY pisses me off.0
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Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
"you're almost as skinny as me now"
I heard this a lot.
Guess what?
I used it for motivation.
I'm now "skinnier" than them.
If you consider "skinny" to mean a smaller waist & bigger arms.
Most of my life I was the "fat guy" of the group.
Now at 41 i'm the "skinny guy" of the group.
They actually call me "skinny nitro" LOL!
I kinda like it.
And a few of them have used me as motivation to drop some weight themselves.0 -
I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.
Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?
I haven't gone through what you have but I don't think there is anything wrong with you making a statement to steer the conversation so your not uncomfortable. -"It's weird to see you thin?" I would probably say- weird? why is it weird?....Oooooh you mean I look different to you.. thanks :blushing: Then ask a question off topic...they'll get hit that this part of your life has nothing to do with them, your doing this for you so they're statements they can keep-
If someone said Your almost as skinny as me- I would deffinatly say ... Yeah, but I'm not trying to be as skinny as you I'm trying to be the best version of me. I think thats a miss conception that everytime someone wants to lose weight it's assumed they always want to look or be like someone else. I'm sorry - but there is a thing such as Skinny Fat and it is not cute...at all...Skinny is not always cute...or attractive
Oh the whole "i'm proud of you".... I honestly take this statement as that individual wishes they were putting forth some type of effort to control their on lives...0 -
First of all.. MEN, do not get it. AT ALL. Not even a little bit. I have only lost 17 lbs but I was just only slightly overweight and I get these comments all of the time. I do not know how your friends are but mine probably don't mean well by their comments. My favorite one to date is "Every time I see you, you look more like a skinny crack head!" typically followed by an awkward laugh and then something like "Oh, I am just joking, you look good" and then my second favorite.... "WOW, how did you get smaller than me?" Because it's so shocking that I could also be smoking hot?
My friends are B*tches, 100% but I typically let them know when something pisses me off. It's how we function. Women are sneaky in that they always have hidden meaning in what they say or what they say jokingly is typically at least partially how they feel.
Before everyone starts with the negativity, not ALL women are like this.. just the majority of the ones I know.....
Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways. PARtICULARLY when it comes to weight. Oftentimes a thin girl relies on an overweight friend to cope with her own self esteem issues. I've had it happen to me and have had close friends be honestly somewhat angry when I've lost weight and to be genuinely angry if I didn't eat junky foods with them because it affected their view of themselves. Without a "fat friend" by your side how can you be sure that boys will approach YOU and not her at the bars? Its sad but true, women are mean and insecure.
That being said, if you are confident enough OP then you just have to let comments like this go. Lose the weight for you and ignore the rest. You're being healthy and that's what really matters. It's easier said than done, but improving your own self esteem and just letting stuff like this go is the only way to deal with it. If you feel strongly, then next time someone says something, politely say that you appreciate the kind thoughts but you feel uncomfortable with comments about your weight, so perhaps in the future they could just not make those statements, particularly in front of other people. I see no reason why anyone would refuse! Good luck and congrats on your success 0 -
I understand what you mean. Compliments are really hard for me to take, I never know what to say. But I do know what you mean by compliments as insults. My mother in law and her mom said , "Wow you lost a lot of weight. Well you know you have to keep on your diet to keep it off (I am not even on a diet). We had a friend who lost 75 lbs on a diet and she gained it all back." I thought no s*** I have to keep up what I am doing to keep it off. I just smiled and said I am not dieting, but running and changing my lifestyle. My husband said they were trying to be nice, but it sure didn't feel like it. It felt condescending and spiteful. I also had my brother in law tell me that I had only lost water weight (30 lbs). I take those with grains of salt, because most of my friends have been very supportive. Keep going you are doing great!0
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Well let's not beat around the bush, you were larger correct? They are skinny...You have worked hard, to become...slim and skinny like them. They are acknowledging your hard work.
It doesn't mean they didn't love you before. It's just weight. It doesn't define you. Take a chill pill, stop being so defensive and be glad people are noticing you decided to change.0 -
How do I handle it?
I say Thank You.0 -
First of all.. MEN, do not get it. AT ALL. Not even a little bit. I have only lost 17 lbs but I was just only slightly overweight and I get these comments all of the time. I do not know how your friends are but mine probably don't mean well by their comments. My favorite one to date is "Every time I see you, you look more like a skinny crack head!" typically followed by an awkward laugh and then something like "Oh, I am just joking, you look good" and then my second favorite.... "WOW, how did you get smaller than me?" Because it's so shocking that I could also be smoking hot?
My friends are B*tches, 100% but I typically let them know when something pisses me off. It's how we function. Women are sneaky in that they always have hidden meaning in what they say or what they say jokingly is typically at least partially how they feel.
Before everyone starts with the negativity, not ALL women are like this.. just the majority of the ones I know.....
Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways. PARtICULARLY when it comes to weight. Oftentimes a thin girl relies on an overweight friend to cope with her own self esteem issues. I've had it happen to me and have had close friends be honestly somewhat angry when I've lost weight and to be genuinely angry if I didn't eat junky foods with them because it affected their view of themselves. Without a "fat friend" by your side how can you be sure that boys will approach YOU and not her at the bars? Its sad but true, women are mean and insecure.
That being said, if you are confident enough OP then you just have to let comments like this go. Lose the weight for you and ignore the rest. You're being healthy and that's what really matters. It's easier said than done, but improving your own self esteem and just letting stuff like this go is the only way to deal with it. If you feel strongly, then next time someone says something, politely say that you appreciate the kind thoughts but you feel uncomfortable with comments about your weight, so perhaps in the future they could just not make those statements, particularly in front of other people. I see no reason why anyone would refuse! Good luck and congrats on your success
thanks ladies...it really is true that sometimes girls can be mean, perhaps because they are jealous or don't like that the dynamic shifts. i think there are some complex dynamics in female groups and female friendships that are sometimes not so healthy, even though everyone loves each other and is supportive, it's like everyone fills a certain role and anyone who deviates from that role sort of throws off the group. anyway thanks for your honest advice and not just judging me. i think it's funny that people on here have judged my post by saying i read too much into it, yet they're reading into my post and telling me i'm super insecure and have all these self-esteem issues, not just taking it at face value like they recommend i do with the compliments. truth is, i am confident and happy with myself and very proud of all i've achieved. i don't really care if people see that or know that bc that kind of strength comes from within. but i really truly appreciate the support from my fellow MFPers...thanks!! 0 -
I totally get it. Compliments are hard for me to take too. And i know its all me, my fault. But yes, some of them bother me. Like "You're almost as skinny as me now!". I dont even know why that bothers me but it does. I think a big part of it is reminding me of what i use to look like. yes, i know, i lived it. Dont remind me. I honestly prefer when people say nothing at all and I cannot wait until this is the norm and people arent always commenting about it. It makes me uncomfortable and i change the subject.0
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if they really are your friends and you want to maintain a relationship - you need to share with them (individually?) how their comments made you feel. If that situation were reversed, I know that you would not want to offend anyone, and wouldn't you want to know so you could know how to be a supportive uplifting friend??? forgive me if this is a repeat, did not have time to read all posts.
well done - regardless.0 -
Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways.
Men will call each other fat *kitten* and know that it's meant as a term of endearment. Maybe we should be more like men and trust that our friends are really our friends.
There's some women who will be horribly offended if you don't say anything about their weight loss. There's some who will be uncomfortable if you do say something. As evidenced by this thread, it's obvious that some will analyze anything you say to come up with the worst possible back-stabbing double meaning behind a compliment. Heck, I know some women who get offended if you compliment another woman in their presence.
In the middle of a conversation, I don't want to have to rifle through every possible interpretation of the words coming out of my mouth. Ain't nobody got time for that! :laugh:0 -
I think people are foten uncertain how to compliment on weight loss, and they may have the best intentions and it will come out totally awkwardly. A colleague when seeing me last week for the first time in ages ran to me, hugged me, and said really louadly in front of 10 people "congratulations! how amazing!" then she got uncertain, and kind o f whispered "you know what I mean, right?" More people gathered "what what what is the news" and the word went "SHE IS PREGNANT" Then I found myself explaining that no I am not pregnant just lost 15 lbs and she was impressed. It was totally over my comfort zone, this entire scene, but overall, it still put a smile on my face that people noticed.....So in sum, people may mean well but may not know how we will feel about their comments and kind of screw it up.0
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I think most people, especially women, have issues or hang ups with their weight and body image. I think it makes reactions to weight loss vary wildly. I usually just say thank you to the compliments that are well meaning and ignore the compliments that are clearly motivated by something other than good will.0
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