My wife left me once I lost the weight.
MikeNoTalent
Posts: 67 Member
Seriously I'm not a troll...My wife left after I lost 80lbs+. She kept making sarcastic jokes towards the end of our relationship about how she'd have to start chasing women away from me. Then the cheating accusations started to arise. I never cheated on her in fact I have a really hard time making friends much less getting into a woman's pants. She told me January 1st 2013 she wanted a divorce and immediately started seeing other men. Our divorce isn't even finalized yet! The only reason I ever started getting into shape was to live a healthy long life with the woman of my dreams (which was her). Now I have the body I've always dreamed of but my confidence is destroyed.
Now that that everyone is up to speed here's where I need help. I've started smoking heavily and drinking way way to much. It's starting to affect my workouts. I still work out as much as possible and I'm still losing weight. But my endurance is way down and my gains are seriously slowing. I was just curious if anyone had any ideas on staying focused on their routines and healthy lifestyles in a time of life turmoil or perhaps anyone else who might have experienced a similar situation.
Now that that everyone is up to speed here's where I need help. I've started smoking heavily and drinking way way to much. It's starting to affect my workouts. I still work out as much as possible and I'm still losing weight. But my endurance is way down and my gains are seriously slowing. I was just curious if anyone had any ideas on staying focused on their routines and healthy lifestyles in a time of life turmoil or perhaps anyone else who might have experienced a similar situation.
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Replies
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Sorry to hear about this, Mike. It's not your confidence that plummeted. HERS did. That's why she got suspicious and jealous and finally left. She wanted you to be big and unhealthy and out of shape. It somehow made her look good. So sad. You will get through this. Keep plugging away, one day at a time, and you will see that there is so much more out there than her. It just takes time. :flowerforyou:0
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Thanks CaddieMay. I appreciate your kind words.0
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Seeing a counselor might help, just to get some impartial input to sort out your own thoughts. Divorce is miserable, but in the long run drinking and smoking too much will probably make it harder on you.
I'm sorry that happened to you!0 -
You are doing awesome!
I am sorry that she didn't trust you, I guess she thought if you were large, no one would look at you, and you wouldn't go anywhere.
You will get over this, believe me - you will be happy again, Don't give up on yourself.0 -
I try to not read posts but I find myself tonight going thru these things and getting pissed.
First I am so sorry about your wife doing this to you. We all have insecurities, you have obviously hit hers right on the head. She couldn't deal with you losing weight, and was jealous of what you may find now that you aren't her fat husband anymore. Most couples have to have therapy when one decides to go thru weight loss surgery for this same reason. IT happens all the time. People get comfortable with the person they are with and can't except that change.
Okay so how do stay on track.....It's different for everyone but I am sure that you are really into your health if you have lost so much weight. So first put the bottle down and throw those cigs out. They are bad for you and will sidetrack you along with being quite expensive. Put your emotions into your workouts, and when you feel yourself tempted to drink or light up a cig, go for a walk.
I didn't lose a spouse but I lost a baby a couple of months ago. No one ever said it was because of my weight but I blamed myself and my weight. I am better now months later, but I still get down and angry. Very angry. I try to go for a walk, or go to the gym and kill the eliptical there. I probably look like a crazy woman but when I get off I feel like I have accomplished something and feel better about my situation.
When I lost the baby I basically told my healthy lifestyle to go F*$& off. Eating healthy and doing the right things still let my baby die. Why the hell did I need to keep doing it. But in the end, exercising has become my way of releasing the steam. Life gets better, and whether or not right now it's a good thing, you get a redo tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. The holes from the heartbreak will be there, and part of you may turn bitter, but you will heal and grow from this.
My thoughts are with you. The old saying "Life sucks, then you die", don't live by that. I try to live by "Some day it will all make sense".0 -
She's definitely got issues, so be compassionate as best you can and move on. Get counseling to work through your issues. You can lose weight and still be a fat person inside...forever, until you deal with your issues. Suggestion also...as long as you say "she left me" you will not only sound like a victim, but BE a victim. Empower yourself, take charge of your life. Find new language and a new reality. Perhaps "My wife was struggling with her own issues, so our marriage ended." Whatever wording works, but don't use language that reinforces you feelng crappy about yourself. You now have a new opportunity to reinvent yourself and enjoy your life. BTW, I am sorry that someoen from our female species treated you so badly. There are some amazing women out there!0
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Wow thanks for the thought on language. Seriously I'm always hard on myself and I do tend to let myself play the victim. I will take your words to heart, and change up my vocabulary. Seriously I never really thought about it this way. I have put serious thought into seeing a counselor. I'm not too sure where to turn apart from churches, and I dunno if that's what I'm looking for. I guess I need to do some research in my area.0
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Unless you are leaving out important details regarding inappropriate behavior, I would say in the long run this will be a blessing to you. It odes not sound like a good life to spend with a spouse that is not happy when there S/O pursues and accomplishes a goal that is important to them.0
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I am sorry your wife has done this to you. 80 pound is awesome and such a great accomplishment. I know losing the weight was hard so that proves right there you are a strong person. Don't let her actions hurt all you have worked for so far.
My thoughts are with you and hope you are able to get back so track soon.0 -
Man, so many things to say about this! First off, I'm really sorry. Break-ups are almost always awful and being the one left to pick up the pieces stinks. I think if you're willing to get some counseling, it may be a good idea. Having someone else help you get some perspective should prove beneficial. When your heart is broken, it's hard to really hear and believe that it's her loss, but seriously, Mike, it's her loss. And you're worth more than that! You shouldn't have to listen to someone accuse you of cheating, etc. That was obviously her insecurity showing through. And your partner should be supportive of things that make you a better, happier, and healthier person! Instead of accusing you of cheating she should have been telling you how great you look, how proud of you she is, and how amazing it is that you've done what you've done. You're better off without her, my friend, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Perhaps she has done you a favor--now you can meet someone who loves you for who you are, not because they can control you. Take some time, mourn your loss, and take care of yourself. And part of taking care of yourself is continuing on the healthy path you are on. Don't let her take that away from you!
Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should seriously think about changing your handle. No Talent Mike? Show some love for yourself! What about Successful Mike! Healthy Mike! Determined Mike! Unstoppable Mike! Because you appear to be all of those things!0 -
Mbrummer First let me say, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the pain that would cause. It makes me feel a bit selfish about my post tonight. I know you can hit your goals for health though. When people are sick and tired of being sick and tired they can accomplish anything! I know that's a cheesy old cliche but it holds true to the human spirit. Good luck to you in the future.0
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Mike,
Hang in there. I was divorced in 2011 and I won't kid you, divorce is very traumatizing. My ex husband left
me because he wanted a thin, young woman. I am now remarried to a wonderful man who accepts me right where I am
at. If someone cannot love you thin, fat or inbetween they are not worthy of you at all. Try to RE-focus on taking
care of you and stop the addictive behaviors they will only worsen life for you and sabotage your goals. I will guarantee
there is life on the other side of divorce and you will get there. Wishing you the best.
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Prayer.
Reading: Adult children of alcoholic parents. Even if your parents are not alcoholics, there is some great insight in there. Also I read A Road Less Traveled.
And..I kept telling myself over and over that I am BETTER than all of that.0 -
Mike, I don't even know where to begin with this. I went through a similar situation where my ex went mental and psycho and got even more abusive as I lost the weight. Anyway.....your ex wife is the one with the problem, not you. That being said, you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. You made positive changes towards a happier, healthier you and she did not like that. You can only change yourself. It's a blessing she left because now you can find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated (when you are ready).
Therapy helps, trust me on that. You have your new body, but you need to work on your heart and soul and confidence. You are worth it! Get up every morning and tell yourself that you are amazing and that you love yourself (sounds silly but it works!). Surround yourself with positive people who will help you on your journey to healing yourself from the inside out.
You can do this
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Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the ONLY answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take "till death due us part "seriously anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!! Also, keep praying for your wife. As hard as it is to pray for someone that has hurt us, it is what we were intended to do by Jesus.0 -
Does your employer offer an Employee Assistance Program? It may include a few free counseling sessions. If you belong to a church, you might inquire about counseling or look at the community center for support groups that work for you. There are thousands of self-help books too that can help with whatever your internal challenges are. Really glad you found the suggestions about language helpful. I believe that the words we use can shape our reality and how we feel about others -- and definitely how others will see us. Even your description about your initial weight loss journey made it sound like it was all about doing something for someone else instead of something you wanted to do for your health and well being. Get your life back into your hands. We are the only ones that can make ourselves happy and healthy. These things are in YOUR hands.0
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My ex left me too.
That said, i was extremely overweight when she left me (although that wasn't the reason), at least you're in shape, great start heading into the single life. Good luck, you'll realize sometime in the future it was for the best.0 -
One more thing.. STOP SMOKING!!! I picked the habit up after my divorce and it was the worst mistake I've ever made and the one thing I regret. She's not worth you destroying your health over.0
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I try to not read posts but I find myself tonight going thru these things and getting pissed.
First I am so sorry about your wife doing this to you. We all have insecurities, you have obviously hit hers right on the head. She couldn't deal with you losing weight, and was jealous of what you may find now that you aren't her fat husband anymore. Most couples have to have therapy when one decides to go thru weight loss surgery for this same reason. IT happens all the time. People get comfortable with the person they are with and can't except that change.
Okay so how do stay on track.....It's different for everyone but I am sure that you are really into your health if you have lost so much weight. So first put the bottle down and throw those cigs out. They are bad for you and will sidetrack you along with being quite expensive. Put your emotions into your workouts, and when you feel yourself tempted to drink or light up a cig, go for a walk.
I didn't lose a spouse but I lost a baby a couple of months ago. No one ever said it was because of my weight but I blamed myself and my weight. I am better now months later, but I still get down and angry. Very angry. I try to go for a walk, or go to the gym and kill the eliptical there. I probably look like a crazy woman but when I get off I feel like I have accomplished something and feel better about my situation.
When I lost the baby I basically told my healthy lifestyle to go F*$& off. Eating healthy and doing the right things still let my baby die. Why the hell did I need to keep doing it. But in the end, exercising has become my way of releasing the steam. Life gets better, and whether or not right now it's a good thing, you get a redo tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. The holes from the heartbreak will be there, and part of you may turn bitter, but you will heal and grow from this.
My thoughts are with you. The old saying "Life sucks, then you die", don't live by that. I try to live by "Some day it will all make sense".
:flowerforyou: I am so sorry for your loss
ETA ugh, I wasnt done! I know how hard and devastating it can be to lose a child, its awesome that you are using that to fuel your workouts, make sure you take care of yourself mentally as well, dont let this eat away at you! It can so easily. You seem like such a strong person, thank you for sharing this story!0 -
Mike,
Church is a great place to be. I met my new husband there...made all the difference in what kind of
person I married the second time. You will be happy again...maybe happier than before.:flowerforyou:0 -
Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
Sorry, hon, Jesus isn't the answer for everyone. It may be the answer for you, and maybe the answer for Mike. But not the only answer for everyone. There isn't only one answer for anything. Except maybe '42'0 -
You might consider group fitness. When I was having a rough patch (lost a business, lost the house, lost our retirement savings in the real estate bubble) I joined a yoga class at the local YMCA. I also lost a lot of friends at that time because we went from comfortable middle class to totally broke in a short period of time.
You need to get around other like-minded people, be it at church or the gym or taking classes or whatever. Some counseling would be helpful as well.0 -
It sounds like maybe, possibly (dunno your wife, so can't say for sure) you were with somebody who wanted you to remain down on yourself and she bolted the second you showed some confidence. She did you a favor, as she probably was insecure herself. Focus on your workouts -- join a gym or start taking some kind of class or take up a hobby that gets you out of your house and away from the bar. If you can find a counselor to talk to - even better.0
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Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
I am confused how that could be the only answer.
First off, I am so sorry to hear about this. Try not to be too hard on yourself and beat yourself up for it. It is your wife's issues at play, not yours. Insecurity can destroy people and relationships. I would suggest to seek out therapy so you can talk out your emotions instead of drinking to cover them up (been there done that) which goes to negative town pretty quickly. Also, surround yourself with positive people that love you and care about you. Keep up the positive changes you have made in your life and consider trying something new to keep yourself busy. Think towards the future and focus on yourself. 0 -
I know you don't want to hear this, but counseling might help. You've had some traumatic experiences lately, and I'm thinking you probably haven't had the opportunity to process everything.
*side note - I'm available.
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If you are uncertain about speaking to a pastor do you have health insurance or a employee based mental health benefit (where you can meet with someone a few times w/o cost)?0
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You are doing awesome!
I am sorry that she didn't trust you, I guess she thought if you were large, no one would look at you, and you wouldn't go anywhere.
You will get over this, believe me - you will be happy again, Don't give up on yourself.
This. Your previous state of being overweight was probably her security blanket to cover up her own insecurities, and she lost that when you shed the weight. I'm sure losing her is a crushing loss and will take a long while to get over, but you've done well for you - do whatever you can to keep that going, whether it's talking it out with a counselor, close friend, random strangers on here (not knocking that at all either, that's often exactly what I do when I'm stressed hardcore)..
Pride yourself on this too: some day she will regret how things have gone down and possibly even try to get back with you. I'll tell you from experience, as kind of evil as the idea sounds, it's actually quite rewarding when that happens and even moreso when friends or family of hers open up to you and mention how badly she screwed up.0 -
You said you wanted to live a healthier life, so you know what you need to do. Your wife had issues and now she is free to do what she wants. Take care of yourself and you will be able to move on. Congrats on your loss--weight and wife. You deserve better. Good luck.0
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It's all on her. She didn't have the confidence to stay with you once you had become healthy. One day she will look back and regret what she's done, but you need to stay healthy so you have no regrets.0
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My initial thoughts on your issue is that you losing weight wasn't the problem with your relationship. I don't know what she looks like so it is somewhat hard to gauge but the fact that she didn't want you to lose weight speaks volumes in my eyes. It could be something as simple as she has low self esteem and seeing you doing well for herself started to make her resent herself and in turn you. It could be she was a controlling partner and you improving yourself was causing her dominance to slip away giving more and more power in the relationship to you. Maybe you were subtly telling her she needed to get skinny and she just wasn't ready to change herself and that led to her thinking you didn't love her anymore. Again, I don't know your circumstances so please disregard any or all of this if it doesn't fit, but maybe she was cheating on you as it is odd to hear that someone loses weight in a relationship and a persons assumption is "he's cheating on me" only for her to start seeing other guys immediately upon breaking up. That's just an odd conclusion that someone would jump to in my opinion.
That said, as far as coping with your separation, I'd honestly keep hitting the gym as it's a natural stress release. So what if you aren't losing weight as fast, or you aren't progressing as fast as you were, you're leaps and bounds ahead of where you were. Even you just stay status-quo for the next month or so, as long as you keep at it, the results will come over time. After all, you're only competing with yourself in the end.
I hope this helps, as none of what I said above was meant to offend you in any way.0
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