My wife left me once I lost the weight.
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Can I just add that you aren't alone in struggling with the depression or the smoking/drinking habits. I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have quit smoking at least 3 times in the last year. And yes, I have to quit again! (My friends will ream me if they read this.)0
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Don't feel bad for me or selfish for your feelings. Everyone has gone thru *kitten*. Losing a spouse who you were obviously very emotionally invested is like a piece of you died I am sure. I know if I lost mine, I'd be utterly lost.
Counseling works! Counseling helps you see there is an end to this. Church doesn't have to be the answer. There are great therapists out there that aren't connected to Christian ties. Google therapists in your area. I'm sure there are some great ones.
No more drinking! No more smoking!
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Hi Mike. Sorry your wife flaked on you, but don't let it destroy you. You can't really find your happiness in someone else, no matter how much you love that person. You definitely can't find your self worth there. I'm not gonna lie. When I got to the part about you drinking and smoking away your success, I pretty much wanted to slap you. Smarten up. Whether you believe it or not, you're just as worthwhile as anyone else on this planet, and you have just as much right to a good life. Start treating yourself better. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself. If you would try to talk a friend out of doing it, don't do it yourself. Time to say goodbye to her and get back to living. 0
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Honestly, I'd go with the counseling advice. It can't hurt if you give it a shot for a month at least.
If that doesn't work, we can go kick her *kitten* for you. 0 -
Hi Mike. Sorry your wife flaked on you, but don't let it destroy you. You can't really find your happiness in someone else, no matter how much you love that person. You definitely can't find your self worth there. I'm not gonna lie. When I got to the part about you drinking and smoking away your success, I pretty much wanted to slap you. Smarten up. Whether you believe it or not, you're just as worthwhile as anyone else on this planet, and you have just as much right to a good life. Start treating yourself better. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself. If you would try to talk a friend out of doing it, don't do it yourself. Time to say goodbye to her and get back to living.
Hahah BrendaLee I wanna slap me too! i'm glad you can't reach me though
It was sort of a knee jerk reaction I realize this but now the smoking is a habit again. The drinking isn't so much a habit yet but I do worry about it becoming one in the future. 0 -
Honestly, I'd go with the counseling advice. It can't hurt if you give it a shot for a month at least.
If that doesn't work, we can go kick her *kitten* for you.
Haha! I don't wish her harm. I do think the counseling is probably what i need and it seems to be the popular key word of the thread. I'm definitely going to give it a shot!0 -
Dang. It doesn't seem like it now, but you dodged a bullet, my friend. If your ex-wife couldn't handle a positive change like your gaining health, can you imagine what she'd do if something bigger happened? Jeez. Take some time to take a breath, focus on yourself for a bit. This is a time of transition - a really, really difficult one, but an opportunity for you to sit and think about what sort of person you would like to be at the end of this.
That's it for the positivity stuff. I know that can get annoying.
I hope you have friends and other loved ones in your life you can turn to for support. Start calling in favors. It's good to be with people that love you. Sometimes it's good to hear someone you trust and care about say "forget that woman - you're better than that."0 -
Stop it with the Jesus preaching, OP didn't even disclose his beliefs...
I've worked in the mental health field for ten years now. What stood out to me most was the drinking. I don't know how often you are drinking, but no one intends to be an addict. Please don't let this be your downward spiral, you've been so positive with the weight loss. You could send me a private message with your city and what insurance you have and I can look up a few choices for you if you are ready to pursue counseling. Best wishes.0 -
Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
Sorry, hon, Jesus isn't the answer for everyone. It may be the answer for you, and maybe the answer for Mike. But not the only answer for everyone. There isn't only one answer for anything. Except maybe '42'
Thank you. Jesus or anyone else is not always the answer. It may not even be the right question. People find their comfort and peace of mind in lots of places.0 -
Hey Mike! I am sorry you are going through this. I went through some really tough stuff with my husband a few years ago. It was devastating to me. My confidence was destroyed! Therapy really helped. It will be hard, but a therapist will help you to order your thoughts and begin making healthy emotional choices to match your healthy physical choices. I recommend you check with your insurance to see what they cover. I have been in therapy for a year and a half and I haven't had to pay a dime out of pocket. If you look to your church for counseling, make sure you see a certified therapist. Preachers don't get much training in counseling and it is not their true passion. I am not saying they can't effectively counsel, but a trained licensed professional is gonna be the best help.0
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Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
Sorry, hon, Jesus isn't the answer for everyone. It may be the answer for you, and maybe the answer for Mike. But not the only answer for everyone. There isn't only one answer for anything. Except maybe '42'
Thank you. Jesus or anyone else is not always the answer. It may not even be the right question. People find their comfort and peace of mind in lots of places.
I agree. I love Jesus, and he has been a source of comfort for me, but God helps those who help themselves. This is depression and the OP can't just curl up and hope it goes away. You have to be proactive, especially if your behavioral response to depression is self-destructive, such as drinking and smoking.0 -
I am so sorry you must go through this. It's definitely her insecurities that ended the marriage. It's a shame. Use your emotions in the gym. Don't hurt yourself with alcohol and cigarettes. I wish you all the best and hope you have someone to talk to. Perhaps a counselor. A big hug for you!:flowerforyou:0
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My husband and I do SO much better when we pick a season when we can both tackle health issues together, otherwise, it creates some natural problems. I don't know that they are one person's fault or the other, it just creates an odd strain.
Very sorry. Enough has been stolen from you. Don't let it take another second.0 -
Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
Sorry, hon, Jesus isn't the answer for everyone. It may be the answer for you, and maybe the answer for Mike. But not the only answer for everyone. There isn't only one answer for anything. Except maybe '42'
Thank you. Jesus or anyone else is not always the answer. It may not even be the right question. People find their comfort and peace of mind in lots of places.
I agree. I love Jesus, and he has been a source of comfort for me, but God helps those who help themselves. This is depression and the OP can't just curl up and hope it goes away. You have to be proactive, especially if your behavioral response to depression is self-destructive, such as drinking and smoking.
Hey everybody don't worry so much on the religion stuff. We all have beliefs, I'm not offended by any ones post about turning to Jesus or any other deity. I'm solid in my belief system and everyone should be proud of their own. No reason to keep arguing over it. I'm honestly not looking for spiritual guidance at this point in my life. I know I'm depressed because my life is jacked. That's my body's chemical reaction to tell me to get my but in gear. So no more arguing over religion or I'll break out into a political rant to lighten the mood. :laugh:0 -
My husband and I do SO much better when we pick a season when we can both tackle health issues together, otherwise, it creates some natural problems. I don't know that they are one person's fault or the other, it just creates an odd strain.
This is what's weird we did plan the health changes together and she's lost 60lbs as well. It wasn't like I did it out of the blue on my own and she one day realized I was loosing weight. She was my fitness buddy as well as much more but we made the plan together. I dunno if she thought it would be unobtainable or we'd just go back to business as usual after a couple weeks or what.0 -
I am sorry your wife has done this to you. 80 pound is awesome and such a great accomplishment. I know losing the weight was hard so that proves right there you are a strong person. Don't let her actions hurt all you have worked for so far.
My thoughts are with you and hope you are able to get back so track soon.
This is spot on!!!!0 -
i wonder what cosmo has to say about this?0
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i wonder what cosmo has to say about this?
Haha that's great...maybe I'll write them!0 -
That is too bad...sorry to hear about the divorce. But I think you can get through this! For me, I really try hard to have a positive outlook. To some that may sound cheesy, but as time passes by I see more and more how easy it is to take the most simple and basic things in life for granted (like good health, or being fortunate to be surrounded by loving friends and family). And when things get hectic or stressful I always try remind myself that "things could be much worse". While your situation and divorce is no small matter, and its likely difficult to see the positive, try to find/gain something positive from this. It may be hard to grasp, but sometimes things "may" happen for a reason. IMO you deserve much better. - - I was, for the most part, for many years, a regular "weekend drinker" and I have been a smoker since my teens. I went through a rough patch with my hubby last year and was drinking a bit more than usual (both of us were). It wasn't probably 6 months ago that I finally started to realize that I don't need to drink to have fun, or to come out of my shell, or just to hang out with my friends (even if they are all doing it). When I started to veer away from the weekly Saturday nite (and sometimes Friday too) drinking, it really opened up my eyes on how much better I felt. Even when I do hang with my friends, I might have a few drinks, but I don't go overboard. Just some tips I have learned along the way (maybe they will help you make the right choices). If you do chose to drink, have a water in between drinks (less dehydration, less of a hangover). You could try to allow yourself only X amount of beers/drinks when you do go out. Switch to soda (or diet soda) after that. You could also try to limit the number of days you drink. Invite some friends over for a night of cards or games or movies (instead going to the bar, or drinking at a friends). As for the smoking, that is truly a tough one. I think you REALLY have to want to quit before you will do it. It certainly rings true that the longer you have been a smoker, the harder it is to quit. I quit for 6 years at one point, and then a close relative passed away and I started right back up again (5 years ago). Quitting this time around has been much more difficult for me. Adding that to the already difficult task of trying to lose weight, it is surely twice the challenge! Anyhow, I think your body is probably telling you that it doesn't like the alcohol and smoking, and as you have already noticed it has slowed your progress which is to be expected. Just don't give up! Find your inspiration/motivation. Write it down, and post it somewhere where you can see it every day. You've come to far to turn back now! Good luck to you Mike! 0
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She couldn't handle the "imaginary pressure" of losing control over you. You intimidate her, so she'll try to hurt you and play you. Be smart and don't follow her game. Be indiferent. Don't blame yourself, you are not the one damaged; she is. Congrats on building a better version of yourself.0
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Couple things, hon.
1- Lose the "no talent" on your name. You've clearly got brains and braun and love for yourself. Those are major talents that not many people have these days, especially when they're fighting to get fit.
2- Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW. Doesn't matter that I am no longer the Anti-tobacco Marketing Maven (I used to be, seriously). I believe in what those people do and it's a free service. You should also consider joining QuitNet. There are a lot of people who do to themselves what you have done.
3- Don't think that you can quit one or the other. You've got to stop drinking AND smoking. TOGETHER.
4- I know a lot of people (from my days in anti-tobacco) who could really help you out. I know you don't live in Utah, but there's some people here doing a "Be a Quitter" reality campaign right now. I could get you in touch with the campaign and see if they can get you talking with some of these people.
5- I am on husband #2. The first one did the same thing when I decided I wanted to get fit. Only he started cheating while we were still married. And there was lot of other bad things that went down right near the end too. And he tried to blame it on me and my wanting to "be better than him" or "too good for him". Dang...I was doing it FOR him. Anyway, just remember it's NOT about YOU. It's got something to do with HER. If you ever need to talk, you can drop me a PM.
Oh, and just for good measure. After divorce, I recommend a sabbatical. Or at least a two week vacation. With a group of same-sex friends. NO TALKING ABOUT THE DIVORCE. Just live your life and do it somewhere pleasant. I choose the Mediterranean. It was the best experience of my life.0 -
That is too bad...sorry to hear about the divorce. But I think you can get through this! For me, I really try hard to have a positive outlook. To some that may sound cheesy, but as time passes by I see more and more how easy it is to take the most simple and basic things in life for granted (like good health, or being fortunate to be surrounded by loving friends and family). And when things get hectic or stressful I always try remind myself that "things could be much worse". While your situation and divorce is no small matter, and its likely difficult to see the positive, try to find/gain something positive from this. It may be hard to grasp, but sometimes things "may" happen for a reason. IMO you deserve much better. - - I was, for the most part, for many years, a regular "weekend drinker" and I have been a smoker since my teens. I went through a rough patch with my hubby last year and was drinking a bit more than usual (both of us were). It wasn't probably 6 months ago that I finally started to realize that I don't need to drink to have fun, or to come out of my shell, or just to hang out with my friends (even if they are all doing it). When I started to veer away from the weekly Saturday nite (and sometimes Friday too) drinking, it really opened up my eyes on how much better I felt. Even when I do hang with my friends, I might have a few drinks, but I don't go overboard. Just some tips I have learned along the way (maybe they will help you make the right choices). If you do chose to drink, have a water in between drinks (less dehydration, less of a hangover). You could try to allow yourself only X amount of beers/drinks when you do go out. Switch to soda (or diet soda) after that. You could also try to limit the number of days you drink. Invite some friends over for a night of cards or games or movies (instead going to the bar, or drinking at a friends). As for the smoking, that is truly a tough one. I think you REALLY have to want to quit before you will do it. It certainly rings true that the longer you have been a smoker, the harder it is to quit. I quit for 6 years at one point, and then a close relative passed away and I started right back up again (5 years ago). Quitting this time around has been much more difficult for me. Adding that to the already difficult task of trying to lose weight, it is surely twice the challenge! Anyhow, I think your body is probably telling you that it doesn't like the alcohol and smoking, and as you have already noticed it has slowed your progress which is to be expected. Just don't give up! Find your inspiration/motivation. Write it down, and post it somewhere where you can see it every day. You've come to far to turn back now! Good luck to you Mike!
Thanks! I really like these ideas. I appreciate the support.0 -
My initial thoughts on your issue is that you losing weight wasn't the problem with your relationship. I don't know what she looks like so it is somewhat hard to gauge but the fact that she didn't want you to lose weight speaks volumes in my eyes. It could be something as simple as she has low self esteem and seeing you doing well for herself started to make her resent herself and in turn you. It could be she was a controlling partner and you improving yourself was causing her dominance to slip away giving more and more power in the relationship to you. Maybe you were subtly telling her she needed to get skinny and she just wasn't ready to change herself and that led to her thinking you didn't love her anymore. Again, I don't know your circumstances so please disregard any or all of this if it doesn't fit, but maybe she was cheating on you as it is odd to hear that someone loses weight in a relationship and a persons assumption is "he's cheating on me" only for her to start seeing other guys immediately upon breaking up. That's just an odd conclusion that someone would jump to in my opinion.
I was just about to write something very similar to this. I think your relationship already had problems and the weight loss was the catalyst that triggered things to come to a head. I'm very sorry you are going through this. I went through a divorce and it was the worst thing I've ever lived through. Even worse than the death of my father. Your parents dying before you is a natural expectation, but I got married believing with every fiber of my being that I would be with my husband forever and was destroyed when my marriage unraveled. I am an emotional/stress eater and I am shocked I didn't gain any weight during my divorce, but here's how I did it. I made myself actually feel my feelings instead of eating (or drinking or smoking) to numb them. If I was so sad I wanted to cry, I shut my office door and I cried. I would cry in my car, whenever I was alone. Every day for a year when we first split up. And then it was only every other day, and then every few days, and then once a week, once a month, and so on, until I had more good days than bad days. And now I'm moving on with my life.
But instead of self medicating, let yourself feel your feelings. You'll go through hell, but you'll go through it faster and healthier, which you will want to be when you are ready to share your life with someone special again. Best wishes to you.0 -
I went through something similar. Was dating a man and talking about marriage and kids, but as I lost weight, he became more and more certain I would leave him so he cheated on me. I left and didn't look back.
It's been rough because I have dated since then, but still haven't found "the one" so it can be depressing at times. I know workouts definitely help me on the days I'm sad. I've also made a lot of new friends at my gym and I've been getting out of the house a lot more by joining activities I've found on Meetup.com and through friends. And I'm starting to keep myself busy by focusing on side projects and working on a new career as a healthy lifestyle coach.
But it just takes time and lots of positive energy to deal with it. Hang in there and focus on all the good things you have in your life.
Good luck!0 -
Couple things, hon.
1- Lose the "no talent" on your name. You've clearly got brains and braun and love for yourself. Those are major talents that not many people have these days, especially when they're fighting to get fit.
2- Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW. Doesn't matter that I am no longer the Anti-tobacco Marketing Maven (I used to be, seriously). I believe in what those people do and it's a free service. You should also consider joining QuitNet. There are a lot of people who do to themselves what you have done.
3- Don't think that you can quit one or the other. You've got to stop drinking AND smoking. TOGETHER.
4- I know a lot of people (from my days in anti-tobacco) who could really help you out. I know you don't live in Utah, but there's some people here doing a "Be a Quitter" reality campaign right now. I could get you in touch with the campaign and see if they can get you talking with some of these people.
5- I am on husband #2. The first one did the same thing when I decided I wanted to get fit. Only he started cheating while we were still married. And there was lot of other bad things that went down right near the end too. And he tried to blame it on me and my wanting to "be better than him" or "too good for him". Dang...I was doing it FOR him. Anyway, just remember it's NOT about YOU. It's got something to do with HER. If you ever need to talk, you can drop me a PM.
Oh, and just for good measure. After divorce, I recommend a sabbatical. Or at least a two week vacation. With a group of same-sex friends. NO TALKING ABOUT THE DIVORCE. Just live your life and do it somewhere pleasant. I choose the Mediterranean. It was the best experience of my life.
Well the NoTalent is my art tag really. I'm a serious illustrator/painter with serious talent. So it's more of a cynical approach to I have so much talent and struggle to pay the rent when real no talent hacks on reality tv are living the high life. LOL so check out my page sometime http://notalentpunkart.deviantart.com/0 -
I am terribly sorry for what you are going through. Do not give in to any vices. When I left my husband, I started to gamble. It took me a while to get out of that road. I was destroying myself..... I then got myself a trainer (I thought if I can afford to gamble, I can afford a trainer lol) and I choose to spend my money on my health. At this moment, we don't know why things happen the way it does. For me, sometimes I feel blessed that he cheated on me, I am healthier now than I was in my 20s, well all of my marriage years (11 yrs). Please don't give in to smoking and alcohol or other vices. You are never alone. At this time you don't see it as a blessing, but you will see it. Maybe she just made that as an excuse to leave you. Ppl have the lamest excuses of why they do what they do. Take care of yourself.0
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That's just terrible! I wish u the best and BTW.... Never give up!0
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Oh wow, that is rough. i have never been married, but I understand the feeling of losing confidence after a break up. It is going to take time to move past it emotionally, but it's important you keep to your goals. It's going to be difficult, but pushing through will make you stronger. I don't know the full story, but it seems like you realize one of the reasons she wanted to leave; she obviously had many insecurities about herself and your relationship. Insecurities can make people act extremely irrational (the cheating accusations, for example), so try to think about that when you start feeling down on yourself. It is understandable to feel bad about losing someone you care about, but you should not feel like less of a person because she couldn't be supportive of you, or willing to work through her own insecurities. And of course, never forget that you will have opportunities in the future to find that perfect someone again - maybe next time it will be someone with whom you can share more common ground with regarding lifestyle/interests. 0
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Jesus!!! Jesus!!? He is the only answer...
Ps.....what has happened to our vows?! People just don't take till death due us part anymore. My heart breaks for you, but I know deep down in my heart that Jesus will never put u threw anything that u can not handle. So, with that said, I would check out a local community church, and see where that leads you. Jesus has a wonderful plan for u!!
Sorry, hon, Jesus isn't the answer for everyone. It may be the answer for you, and maybe the answer for Mike. But not the only answer for everyone. There isn't only one answer for anything. Except maybe '42'
YOU, I like you
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Dude, honestly you should have more confidence than ever before. You lost 80 lbs. You look better than ever. You feel better than ever, right? If someone doesnt want you in their life, then you dont want them in yours.0
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