My wife left me once I lost the weight.
Replies
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I am so sorry you had to go through that! I would definitely recommend therapy. It'll help you sort things out, and give you some accountability. Also...something that has been working for me through stress is meditation. I am still a beginner and trying to figure it all out but it can't hurt!
I am doing this 21 day challenge now and it's about health. Check it out.
http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/bestsellers/ProgramPage.aspx?bookid=178&id=77330 -
Prayers for you
Don't give up, what's meant to be will find a way 0 -
Checked out your site/link... Really Awesome artwork!0
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This is real simple man, you're only 26. Everything is still in front of you, and you haven't seen or done anything yet. This isn't about her, its about you. Take a deep breath, think about yourself, and your life will happen.
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Hey Mike, lots of good advice here. I can't imagine why someone would leave you for getting your life and health in order. Doesn't sound like much of a friend, much less a life partner. Apparently there are more single women than men out there. So I guess your wife set you free to go look for someone more compatible with you. If I were you, I would go to the gym, socialize with family and people at work, figure out what you like to do and do it - maybe take a trip or something. Get out there and have some fun, but keep to a healthy lifestyle. That way, next time you will attract someone who likes you for taking good care of yourself and making smart choices.0
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I try to not read posts but I find myself tonight going thru these things and getting pissed.
First I am so sorry about your wife doing this to you. We all have insecurities, you have obviously hit hers right on the head. She couldn't deal with you losing weight, and was jealous of what you may find now that you aren't her fat husband anymore. Most couples have to have therapy when one decides to go thru weight loss surgery for this same reason. IT happens all the time. People get comfortable with the person they are with and can't except that change.
Okay so how do stay on track.....It's different for everyone but I am sure that you are really into your health if you have lost so much weight. So first put the bottle down and throw those cigs out. They are bad for you and will sidetrack you along with being quite expensive. Put your emotions into your workouts, and when you feel yourself tempted to drink or light up a cig, go for a walk.
I didn't lose a spouse but I lost a baby a couple of months ago. No one ever said it was because of my weight but I blamed myself and my weight. I am better now months later, but I still get down and angry. Very angry. I try to go for a walk, or go to the gym and kill the eliptical there. I probably look like a crazy woman but when I get off I feel like I have accomplished something and feel better about my situation.
When I lost the baby I basically told my healthy lifestyle to go F*$& off. Eating healthy and doing the right things still let my baby die. Why the hell did I need to keep doing it. But in the end, exercising has become my way of releasing the steam. Life gets better, and whether or not right now it's a good thing, you get a redo tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. The holes from the heartbreak will be there, and part of you may turn bitter, but you will heal and grow from this.
My thoughts are with you. The old saying "Life sucks, then you die", don't live by that. I try to live by "Some day it will all make sense".
^^ this is good advice.
I'm sorry that happened to you too0 -
Guess women and men are the same. My husband has been giving me the silent treatment all week becase Im working out, tryign to lose weight and trying to look better. Sad part is, I was doing it so he wouldnt leave me, I wanted to look goood for him. but it looks like its only accelerating that process.0
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WOw, it's ironic that this is posted in the motivation and support thread because the title is exactly the opposite. But you did post in the right place after reading your short blurb.
Correct me if my math is wrong but did you lose 91lbs? That's amazing! Add your wifes weight to that number and you have actually lost over 211 lbs depending on what she weighs.
I say this because I think you are better off without her. I can't begin to psychoanalyze what is going on with her, but the bottom line is you are healthier now than before and that should be both of your main concern. Shame on her for focusing on the vanity part of it instead of the health part. I hope she comes to her senses but if not just know that, that means she is probably not the person you fell in love with anymore, or never was. You were accepted at one weight and should be accepted at this new one. Just like in reverse we always want to insist someone love us when we gain. The drinking and smoking will subside if you try to get back focused on yourself. The sooner the better. You must have good practice doing it since you lost so much weight. Find that thinking and get back to it. You can do it. Consider all that alcohol as way too many excess calories if you have to.0 -
The increased activity in drinking and smoking are just a side effect of the pain that's going on in your heart (stating the obvious). But seriously if the emotional aspect can be handled it will help you not feel like you have to turn to those things for comfort or a stress reliever. You need a time for emotional grieving and healing. Highly recommend counseling or processing this stuff with a pastor like the others already have mentioned
I say this because there is only one you, and you only get one chance in life. You are young attractive an turning over a new chapter in your young life. You only have one body for the rest of your life and you don't want to screw it up over this rough path it's not worth it. Think of how hard you worked to lose the 80lbs! Don't let your wife's (ex?) drag you into her destructive cycle by repeating these destructive habits. You can be responsible for you/how you respond in this situation. Seek somewhere for healing, find how to forgive and let go for YOU so you are free from this and move onward, so you can move forward...0 -
Okay first of all stop it. Just stop.I've started smoking heavily and drinking way way to much. It's starting to affect my workouts.
Do this for yourself, not for anyone else.0 -
WOw, it's ironic that this is posted in the motivation and support thread because the title is exactly the opposite. But you did post in the right place after reading your short blurb.
Correct me if my math is wrong but did you lose 91lbs? That's amazing! Add your wifes weight to that number and you have actually lost over 211 lbs depending on what she weighs.
I say this because I think you are better off without her. I can't begin to psychoanalyze what is going on with her, but the bottom line is you are healthier now than before and that should be both of your main concern. Shame on her for focusing on the vanity part of it instead of the health part. I hope she comes to her senses but if not just know that, that means she is probably not the person you fell in love with anymore, or never was. You were accepted at one weight and should be accepted at this new one. Just like in reverse we always want to insist someone love us when we gain. The drinking and smoking will subside if you try to get back focused on yourself. The sooner the better. You must have good practice doing it since you lost so much weight. Find that thinking and get back to it. You can do it. Consider all that alcohol as way too many excess calories if you have to.
Yeah I was around 80lbs lost when she left now I have lost 94lbs to date.0 -
I'd third on the comment about she may have been cheating. Some major red flags there. Cheaters often throw out the "you're cheating" card as a guilty projection. Especially if you had NO red flags from your end.0
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Checked out your site/link... Really Awesome artwork!
Awesome! Thanks for checking it out. I have really thrown myself into my art this year and sold my first painting a month ago! Art and Kettlebells are my outlets for sure but these vices have crept in, and well you know.0 -
I'd like to suggest a forum to you: www.talkaboutmarriage.com
There are some great folks there, and several good sub forums with people who've gone through and are going through divorce.0 -
I see you're in Norman...you might see if the university has sliding scale counseling, even if you are not a student.0
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A similar thing is happening to me. I haven't lost much weight but have toned up and have a huge online fitness community.
My partner asked me if I was cheating, if I can stop going to the gym etc etc.
It is like we live separate lives but I can't stop - he can either join me or we work on the differences.
I want to live a healthy life like this forever - put you first.0 -
I'd like to suggest a forum to you: www.talkaboutmarriage.com
There are some great folks there, and several good sub forums with people who've gone through and are going through divorce.
Hey thanks man I'll check this out!0 -
There are ALWAYS positives to every situation. Find them, concentrate on them and let them bring your confidence back.
First thing I'd do is work on your confidence. FIRST: Change your screen name to "MikeWithTalent" or something like that. Small, seemingly insignificant things like that or like simply saying to yourself that you're an attractive, confident man every once in a while helps..even if you don't believe it, you fake it till you make it because your mind eventually believes what you ears hear and what your eyes see.
Try acting more confident around random strangers. They don't know you so they'll think that is just who you are. Again, fake it till you make it!
There are many other ways of gaining confidence, of course. I'm from the business world though and this has helped me lots and quite quickly.
Just like losing 91lbs, it'll take a while.
Good luck, man.
PS. Fail often to succeed sooner.0 -
A similar thing is happening to me. I haven't lost much weight but have toned up and have a huge online fitness community.
My partner asked me if I was cheating, if I can stop going to the gym etc etc.
It is like we live separate lives but I can't stop - he can either join me or we work on the differences.
I want to live a healthy life like this forever - put you first.
Yeah I would never turn back on my healthy lifestyle at this point (just have these little vices creeping in and want them stopped before they become full blown problems). I'm proud of my progress but it came with a heavy cost.0 -
I don't have all that much to say except talk to people, friends or not. Get the hurt out in other ways besides drinking, etc. Also, and I DON'T normally say this but, talk to people (women) in the in the gym and find people that are interested in the same type of lifestyle you are.
Yes it takes two to make a relationship but if one of the two isn't willing then you can't club them and make them change their opinion.
It is time to move on so part of that is getting your brain around the fact things are done and time to move on. A quick way that you cope with any sort of loss: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
Do it right and you will make it through, do it wrong and you risk the drinking causing you to fail.0 -
Don't blame yourself for what happened. Drinking and smoking won't help. I can't read her mind, but what she said reeks of emotionally immaturity / control issues or low self-esteem. The fact that she jumped right into dating other guys tells me that she didn't really care enough to make things work, or to put in an effort.
Wipe her from your mind. Don't even waste another moment thinking about her. Recognize that you are a catch, getting fit, and there are plenty of other women out there. A sizable portion of these women are probably more considerate, faithful, and appreciative of a guy who takes care of himself. You are getting healthier and doing something for your life. This is a chance to turn it around.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!0 -
Don't blame yourself for what happened. I can't read her mind, but what she said reeks of emotionally immaturity / control issues or low self-esteem. The fact that she jumped right into dating other guys tells me that she didn't really care enough to make things work, or to put in an effort.
Thanks, and big props for the Doctor Who ticker! And you're spot on I offered (pleaded) to go to marriage counseling with her and she refused several times.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.0 -
She left, but it doesn't mean it is permanent - Let us hope she comes to terms with her feelings and realizes what a wonderful person you are- I just saw that happen to one of my friends- She lost a lot of weight and her marriage fell a part, but I believe they are back together -0
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Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.
That's great to hear!
Yes, I love MFP for their amazing support.
Do you have any hobbies besides working out?
I play raquetball with a friend (just for fun) and it really allows me to talk to her and just vent about our days or problems, very therapeutic itself.
Maybe take up woodworking or fix up your car?
It seems like keeping busy would really help curb your drinking.0 -
Hello Mike,
While I did not lose a spouse (I'm not married, for that matter), a little over a year ago my roommate committed suicide.
I was a Junior in College then, and it was literally two weeks before finals.
I was very much on track, eating healthy, working out, losing weight and loving myself and my body.
Then, I was left derailed by her death. I was consumed by it, really.
The best thing I did for myself was call a counselor and set up an appointment. I had regular meetings and it felt so great to just have a non-objective person listen to me while I talked/cried/wallowed etc.
As for the smoking, I downloaded this app called, "sinceiQuit" and I really like it! It tallys up the years/weeks/days AND hours since the day I quit smoking. It's a British app so they use pounds, but by not smoking 8,518.86 cigarettes I have saved £2,464.39!! That's roughly $5,000!!
As for the drinking, my roommate was an alcoholic and so for me it was the exact opposite. I had only ONE world view of alcohol:
It would turn me into her...
I had to work really hard to get to a place without such a negative stigma attached to social drinking. I feared becoming anything like my roommate, luckily enough with a lot of support from my friends and family I was able to overcome the negative association attached to anything that reminded me of her.
Sure, there are some really rough days where I'm very sad about her passing, but for the most part, therapy really rescued me from the abyss I was living in.
As for working out and having lost all of my previous weight... Well, I gained it back.
I was much too focused on just getting through the school year and getting back to a good place.
I've started again though! And it feels really good to be back on track.
Think about it this way: Smoking and drinking aren't healthy outlets for your emotions. They only serve to suffocate and smother.
Use your work-outs as a healthy release of your emotions/thoughts/feelings. It will not only feel great, but it will also leave you looking great.
I feel as if I've walked in your exact shoes. It may take a while, but ultimately, it's better to continue with your exercise regimen than to drop it, gain the weight back (what happened to me), and have to start all over again a year later (with some extra pounds to boot!).
I sincerely hope for the best for you. Google some therapists in your area, and remember, if one isn't working for you, you can always switch!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I'm not going to drop my workouts that's for sure. I just felt I was slipping on these 2 issues and I'm glad I came forward and made them public. The amount of support on here has been amazing.
That's great to hear!
Yes, I love MFP for their amazing support.
Do you have any hobbies besides working out?
I play raquetball with a friend (just for fun) and it really allows me to talk to her and just vent about our days or problems, very therapeutic itself.
Maybe take up woodworking or fix up your car?
It seems like keeping busy would really help curb your drinking.
Yeah I'm really throwing myself into my art. I paint and illustrate, the problem with that is I tend to find it very easy to drink smoke and draw...This year I have been very successful with my art. I sold my first painting a month ago and did a flyer for a punk show in my area. Soon to be doing more flyers as well album art. Shameless self promo in 3, 2, 1,...http://notalentpunkart.deviantart.com/0 -
Give it a couple years you will look back and be like dang that's why that happened.
Be kind to yourself,keep being healthy and enjoy what you love doing which is your art.
Good luck 0 -
You've gotten a lot of great advice. But you already know what you need to do first: you said it yourself. Lose the smokes and the booze. Stop hiding from your grief. It's normal (sucky, but normal) to grieve.
Next: this is important, so listen up. Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man. You may not have seen the cracks in your relationship before, but when one person changes themself, the relationship must either change or die. She wasn't ready to embrace your change. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
Take care of yourself rather than numbing yourself or beating yourself up. You're a talented guy and you've taken ownership of your health in a very powerful way. Keep at it!
And here's the only thing I'm gonna suggest that you might think is goofy: every day, write down at least one thing you're grateful for. Preferably three. I know, I know. It seems gimmicky. Do it for 2 weeks anyway and see if you don't feel better.0 -
You've gotten a lot of great advice. But you already know what you need to do first: you said it yourself. Lose the smokes and the booze. Stop hiding from your grief. It's normal (sucky, but normal) to grieve.
Next: this is important, so listen up. Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man. You may not have seen the cracks in your relationship before, but when one person changes themself, the relationship must either change or die. She wasn't ready to embrace your change. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
Take care of yourself rather than numbing yourself or beating yourself up. You're a talented guy and you've taken ownership of your health in a very powerful way. Keep at it!
And here's the only thing I'm gonna suggest that you might think is goofy: every day, write down at least one thing you're grateful for. Preferably three. I know, I know. It seems gimmicky. Do it for 2 weeks anyway and see if you don't feel better.
"Her irrational behavior does not make you less of a man" Right to my heart, thank you that means a lot!0
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