I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

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  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    First of all.. MEN, do not get it. AT ALL. Not even a little bit. I have only lost 17 lbs but I was just only slightly overweight and I get these comments all of the time. I do not know how your friends are but mine probably don't mean well by their comments. My favorite one to date is "Every time I see you, you look more like a skinny crack head!" typically followed by an awkward laugh and then something like "Oh, I am just joking, you look good" and then my second favorite.... "WOW, how did you get smaller than me?" Because it's so shocking that I could also be smoking hot?

    My friends are B*tches, 100% but I typically let them know when something pisses me off. It's how we function. Women are sneaky in that they always have hidden meaning in what they say or what they say jokingly is typically at least partially how they feel.

    Before everyone starts with the negativity, not ALL women are like this.. just the majority of the ones I know..... :)


    Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways. PARtICULARLY when it comes to weight. Oftentimes a thin girl relies on an overweight friend to cope with her own self esteem issues. I've had it happen to me and have had close friends be honestly somewhat angry when I've lost weight and to be genuinely angry if I didn't eat junky foods with them because it affected their view of themselves. Without a "fat friend" by your side how can you be sure that boys will approach YOU and not her at the bars? Its sad but true, women are mean and insecure.

    That being said, if you are confident enough OP then you just have to let comments like this go. Lose the weight for you and ignore the rest. You're being healthy and that's what really matters. It's easier said than done, but improving your own self esteem and just letting stuff like this go is the only way to deal with it. If you feel strongly, then next time someone says something, politely say that you appreciate the kind thoughts but you feel uncomfortable with comments about your weight, so perhaps in the future they could just not make those statements, particularly in front of other people. I see no reason why anyone would refuse! Good luck and congrats on your success :)
  • nicarey19
    nicarey19 Posts: 126 Member
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    I understand what you mean. Compliments are really hard for me to take, I never know what to say. But I do know what you mean by compliments as insults. My mother in law and her mom said , "Wow you lost a lot of weight. Well you know you have to keep on your diet to keep it off (I am not even on a diet). We had a friend who lost 75 lbs on a diet and she gained it all back." I thought no s*** I have to keep up what I am doing to keep it off. I just smiled and said I am not dieting, but running and changing my lifestyle. My husband said they were trying to be nice, but it sure didn't feel like it. It felt condescending and spiteful. I also had my brother in law tell me that I had only lost water weight (30 lbs). I take those with grains of salt, because most of my friends have been very supportive. Keep going you are doing great!
  • babydiego87
    babydiego87 Posts: 905 Member
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    Well let's not beat around the bush, you were larger correct? They are skinny...You have worked hard, to become...slim and skinny like them. They are acknowledging your hard work.

    It doesn't mean they didn't love you before. It's just weight. It doesn't define you. Take a chill pill, stop being so defensive and be glad people are noticing you decided to change.
  • That_Girl
    That_Girl Posts: 1,324 Member
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    How do I handle it?

    I say Thank You.
  • courtneywiens
    courtneywiens Posts: 148 Member
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    First of all.. MEN, do not get it. AT ALL. Not even a little bit. I have only lost 17 lbs but I was just only slightly overweight and I get these comments all of the time. I do not know how your friends are but mine probably don't mean well by their comments. My favorite one to date is "Every time I see you, you look more like a skinny crack head!" typically followed by an awkward laugh and then something like "Oh, I am just joking, you look good" and then my second favorite.... "WOW, how did you get smaller than me?" Because it's so shocking that I could also be smoking hot?

    My friends are B*tches, 100% but I typically let them know when something pisses me off. It's how we function. Women are sneaky in that they always have hidden meaning in what they say or what they say jokingly is typically at least partially how they feel.

    Before everyone starts with the negativity, not ALL women are like this.. just the majority of the ones I know..... :)


    Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways. PARtICULARLY when it comes to weight. Oftentimes a thin girl relies on an overweight friend to cope with her own self esteem issues. I've had it happen to me and have had close friends be honestly somewhat angry when I've lost weight and to be genuinely angry if I didn't eat junky foods with them because it affected their view of themselves. Without a "fat friend" by your side how can you be sure that boys will approach YOU and not her at the bars? Its sad but true, women are mean and insecure.

    That being said, if you are confident enough OP then you just have to let comments like this go. Lose the weight for you and ignore the rest. You're being healthy and that's what really matters. It's easier said than done, but improving your own self esteem and just letting stuff like this go is the only way to deal with it. If you feel strongly, then next time someone says something, politely say that you appreciate the kind thoughts but you feel uncomfortable with comments about your weight, so perhaps in the future they could just not make those statements, particularly in front of other people. I see no reason why anyone would refuse! Good luck and congrats on your success :)

    thanks ladies...it really is true that sometimes girls can be mean, perhaps because they are jealous or don't like that the dynamic shifts. i think there are some complex dynamics in female groups and female friendships that are sometimes not so healthy, even though everyone loves each other and is supportive, it's like everyone fills a certain role and anyone who deviates from that role sort of throws off the group. anyway thanks for your honest advice and not just judging me. i think it's funny that people on here have judged my post by saying i read too much into it, yet they're reading into my post and telling me i'm super insecure and have all these self-esteem issues, not just taking it at face value like they recommend i do with the compliments. truth is, i am confident and happy with myself and very proud of all i've achieved. i don't really care if people see that or know that bc that kind of strength comes from within. but i really truly appreciate the support from my fellow MFPers...thanks!! :)
  • sweetpea129
    sweetpea129 Posts: 755 Member
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    I totally get it. Compliments are hard for me to take too. And i know its all me, my fault. But yes, some of them bother me. Like "You're almost as skinny as me now!". I dont even know why that bothers me but it does. I think a big part of it is reminding me of what i use to look like. yes, i know, i lived it. Dont remind me. I honestly prefer when people say nothing at all and I cannot wait until this is the norm and people arent always commenting about it. It makes me uncomfortable and i change the subject.
  • bunnymum150
    bunnymum150 Posts: 311
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    if they really are your friends and you want to maintain a relationship - you need to share with them (individually?) how their comments made you feel. If that situation were reversed, I know that you would not want to offend anyone, and wouldn't you want to know so you could know how to be a supportive uplifting friend??? forgive me if this is a repeat, did not have time to read all posts.

    well done - regardless.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,248 Member
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    Agree so much. I was about to post that I think this is something men don't really get. Many women feel the need to tear each other down a peg in backhanded, subversive ways.

    Men will call each other fat *kitten* and know that it's meant as a term of endearment. Maybe we should be more like men and trust that our friends are really our friends.

    There's some women who will be horribly offended if you don't say anything about their weight loss. There's some who will be uncomfortable if you do say something. As evidenced by this thread, it's obvious that some will analyze anything you say to come up with the worst possible back-stabbing double meaning behind a compliment. Heck, I know some women who get offended if you compliment another woman in their presence.

    In the middle of a conversation, I don't want to have to rifle through every possible interpretation of the words coming out of my mouth. Ain't nobody got time for that! :laugh:
  • 88meli88
    88meli88 Posts: 238 Member
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    I think people are foten uncertain how to compliment on weight loss, and they may have the best intentions and it will come out totally awkwardly. A colleague when seeing me last week for the first time in ages ran to me, hugged me, and said really louadly in front of 10 people "congratulations! how amazing!" then she got uncertain, and kind o f whispered "you know what I mean, right?" More people gathered "what what what is the news" and the word went "SHE IS PREGNANT" Then I found myself explaining that no I am not pregnant just lost 15 lbs and she was impressed. It was totally over my comfort zone, this entire scene, but overall, it still put a smile on my face that people noticed.....So in sum, people may mean well but may not know how we will feel about their comments and kind of screw it up.
  • _quirky_girl_
    _quirky_girl_ Posts: 27 Member
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    I think most people, especially women, have issues or hang ups with their weight and body image. I think it makes reactions to weight loss vary wildly. I usually just say thank you to the compliments that are well meaning and ignore the compliments that are clearly motivated by something other than good will.
  • 8goodgirl0
    8goodgirl0 Posts: 127 Member
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    I have a lot of problems with this. Most of the things aren't compliments though. People telling me I 'look better' a certain way, or their opinion of how my body should or shouldn't look. I DON'T WANT YOUR APPROVAL.
    Some old guy I know ALWAYS says when I have my hair down 'Your hair looks better like that' and it makes me want to rip things.
  • mattschwartz01
    mattschwartz01 Posts: 566 Member
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    Try not taking them as insults. They are probably a little envious of your motivation and self-control. Play up on it and twist it into a form of admiration. In some sort of way they admire your strength. When you are motivated full steam ahead, you have a whole aura surrounding you. There is some psychological evidence to this. Your face is brighter, you hold yourself more confidently, and some of this is unbeknownst to you. You look fantastic!
  • dunnodunno
    dunnodunno Posts: 2,290 Member
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    It only bothers me when someone is loud & obnoxious about it & goes on & on & on & on about it.
  • OlyCapitalChick
    OlyCapitalChick Posts: 236 Member
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    I normally don't reply to stuff, but when I read your post I immediately knew what you meant. Then I couldn't believe others responses to your post (that you need to assume the best of others, not be insecure or negative?! WTF??!):noway:

    The comments they said were not fully loaded with "nice". You're not insecure.

    Those comments are the from people who are not quite sure what to make of the new you. Especially because it puts a mirror in their face (and puts focus on their own insecurities about their own looks, status in life, success abilities etc.). Also, and your new figure makes them a little insecure about how this new you fits into their world and their view of you.

    Again, those comments on the surface may 'seem' sweet, but they really are not. People get insecure, unsure and sometimes jealous of others success. Not saying that is how they felt, but it is not unreasonable to think that those 'friends' were not being totally kind.

    Again, you taking the courage to post this shows you actually are not insecure, but are aware that something was't quite 'right'. Could have been their tone, non verbal body language, your history with them etc. etc.

    How do you deal with this?
    Validate yourself your not insecure or negative or seeing ill will in others.
    Think about future scenarios like this and come up with some responses in order to be prepared - it wold be unlikely this will never happen again.
    :drinker: make sure you have folks in your life who are secure enough to support the new you. Not everyone will be. Its true and sad.
  • IrishHarpy1
    IrishHarpy1 Posts: 399 Member
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    Sometimes people just don't know *how* to compliment you -- or even if they should. A waitress at the diner my husband and I visit every weekend never said a word the entire 18 months I was losing weight, until the weekend we were celebrating the fact that I had finally hit my goal. Her response? "Oh, I'm SO glad it was intentional. I thought you were sick and was afraid to say something!" :ohwell:

    And remember, it can always be worse... like when I discovered I was the favorite topic of lunchtime discussion among my coworkers, who were all convinced that the only way I was losing weight was that I'd had surgery.
  • ksimmons19
    ksimmons19 Posts: 223 Member
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    If I looked like you, I wouldn't give a *kitten* what people said to me. :) Just stay positive no matter what people say to you. "Almost as skinny as me now" DAAAAMN right I am- and soon I WILL be skinnier than you beeyotcch! "I'm so proud of you" (which I can't really see how this can be taken negatively...it's nice to know people are proud of your hard work. I don't think anyone meant this badly.) ME TOO!! Just let it roll darlin nobody matters but you anyway. and BTW- you look friggin amazing and I can't wait to start over analyzing weight loss comments!!!!
  • jrnguyen
    jrnguyen Posts: 92 Member
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    I am astounded by the number of incredibly rude people on this post. She never said she BELIEVED what they said, so clearly its not a self-esteem issue. She's simply saying she felt odd about it and was asking if anyone else ever has. For those of you that haven't, then you really don't have room to say anything. There are plenty of people on here who have felt that way so its obviously not a personal problem for her. Isn't the purpose of this site to help cheer other people on? If you are on this site, then at some point you were big, too, and needed support. How about you all stop tearing people down.

    OP you look great and should be proud! Yes, you're feelings are completely normal and don't feel bad about it. You'll get used to the comments eventually and they won't sting anymore. Keep up the good work!!
  • Kristine7813
    Kristine7813 Posts: 19
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    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

    It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

    1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

    2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

    3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

    The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

    I agree with this guy. Friends and family usually mean well and it makes me feel good to hear positive things from them!
  • Lochlyn_D
    Lochlyn_D Posts: 492 Member
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    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?


    I think you are taking it the wrong way. I LOVE when people say things - anything - because it means that all my hard work is showing. Why can't your friends be proud of you? It doesn't mean that they think they are better than you. I know losing weight gives some people a different attitude. I know I found myself starting to think differently after I lost some weight. You have to just push that out of your mind.
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member
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    *kitten* 'em. They will likely die before you. :wink:

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