So disheartening for those of us VERY overweight :(

OMG! Guilty!

I never thought about the comments I make regarding my weight issues effecting my family.
I have a mother and a sister who are extremely obese 100-200 lbs over weight. I complain about my 50lbs all the time and how I look but I LOVE THEM and most of the time DON'T EVEN SEE THEM AS OBESE. It's what I am used too.

I must say that I have NEVER thought that what I say about my self might be effecting them. I will be mindful of any derogatory statement about my weight issues from this day forward.

Thanks for shining the light at a different angle.

I was very overweight and yes it's irritating, but everyone has their own body image issues. I actually have had more people criticize my body at my "goal" weight then when I was 230 lbs! I think my message is that everyone needs to realize that health is the true reason to change, not looks. There are many people that are skinny and unhealthy and people that are overweight that are athletic. I still get underestimated on how strong I am, due to a skin pooch I have from losing so much weight. The moaning and criticism people put upon themselves is 1) not going to change the situation 2) is alienated others (that have bigger obstacles) and frankly is useless energy.
Self acceptance is the key at any weight, any size, any shape. People think that life will be all better when you lose weight. Well yes, my health is a lot better, and in so many ways life in general is nice, but it doesn't erase the realities of life. I still have problems and struggle. If anything, its hard now sometimes since I can't use weight as an excuse. What kills me is when people say, "When I'm a size ** I'll be happy, when I get married, I'll be happy, when I drop lbs. I'll be happy. These things won't make you happy. Now, better health due to me losing weight and eating right as SO put me in a happier place. But the fact is it doesn't erase every problem.
So for the most part I agree.....and in general I think EVERYONE needs to appreciate what they have. Even at 230 lbs. when my body ached, knees were crap....I appreciated that my body was moving and I was changing for the better. People need to be satisfied with what they have. I am sick of the airbrushed world. If people aren't doing this for better health and fitness...frankly they will never be happy with their body. At any size, people find things to nitpick and I have been guilty of it. But when it comes down to it, even with my saggy skin, I'm proud of my battle scars, calluses and improving my health.

I had to think twice before responding...sometimes it's hard to write things down on here and not to upset someone...and I don't think that's ever anyones intention. But I thought I would reply for a few reasons.

Firstly, there are two sides to every story!! While I fully appreciate how you can feel hurt when reading comments such as those you mention, it is also difficult for those with only a little weight to lose. Okay, it's bad to generalize - but usually, those that have more to lose make quicker progress - so when a "lighter" person sees a "heavier" person consistently loses 3/4lbs a week - and they lose nothing, or 0.5lbs, this is also upsetting. While everyone is greatly motivated by others successes and are truly proud of their MFP friends achievements - it is human nature for there to be that little part of you that thinks "what about me, I'm working hard too" - especially if you spend every night in the gym!?

Secondly, I don't think anyone - regardless of how much weight they have to lose - should have to consider too much what they write when talking about THEMSELVES. When giving advice/comparing situations, for sure. But everyone, big, small, old, young, can have days when they feel so miserable that they hate the sight of themselves in the mirror - as well as those wonderful days when you feel on top of the world. If someone is on a down day...perhaps it should be their right to have a little rant about how "Gross and Fat" they feel, even if they weigh as much as one of my thighs?? :laugh:

I'm really happy your post ended on a positive and you don't feel as though MFP has got you down - because that's not the idea at all!! And I'm not disagreeing with you in any way - I can see that you could easily feel like that. But I just think that we are all individual - what is right for one person is never going to be right for another - even amongst siblings, so never mind friends, so if someone makes a negative comment about themselves on paper, it shouldn't be directly comparable to YOU, because there are a million and one other reasons behind their feelings.

Just so you know...I do probably fall into your 'only a bit over-weight' category, but I have been VERY over weight before. I will still make negative comments about myself (usually my stomach..don't get me started) but can also recognize my good bits. I'd like to think that I have never upset anyone with my comments - and would be truly mortified if I had. MFP is about supporting people to a new, healthy lifestyle regardless of their weight loss objectives, I'm really happy to be a part of it! :happy:

Ya',,, it's tough. I've been on both ends of this. My biggest sin is that I may mention how 'fat' I was, and use words like 'enormous', or maybe 'my *kitten* had it's own zip code',,, and only later realize that I was never as big as the guy sitting right next to me. And I know it, and he knows it,,, and if I think 5'8" - 270# is awful, then what do I think of him?

It's not mean, just about nobody means to be hurtful. It's just thoughtlessness. I'm working on it. I hope we all are.

First point - we all need to sensitive and respectful of others here.

Second point - I don't think anyone "intends" to hurt others when they post, but I can see how it happens. I know because I've felt the same way sometimes. However, we can't take it personally.

Final point - we all have different definitions of success as we're all coming from different places with different goals. Since we each have different definitions of success, it means we have to have different definitions of failure as well. Not better or worse, just different. We're all equally entilted to be happy with our successes (however we define them) and disappointed with our failures (however we define them).

I totally agree. I've set a goal for myself to lose 100 lbs. Even that won't get me to my healthiest weight. It's hard to go to the gym and see a room full of people who don't look like they need to lose a single pound. Who knows what is going on in their heads though. I try not to judge what other people are doing, and I try just as hard not to judge myself. I know every person is the hardest on themselves.

I just try my best each day. I try to remember that this is a hard track I've chosen. It takes a lot of courage to own the treadmill when I'm worried about what the person next to me is thinking.

I guarantee they are probably worried about what I think about them too though.

I started out at 220 or so, I am 5'4 so that was quite heavy for me. I have long since stopped saying anything negative about myself. I will sometimes look in the mirror and think those things, but I am trying so hard to be healthy that when I type or open my mouth I try to stay positive.

I think that this site has a great variety of people on it with different goals and that we should all try to keep the negativity to a minimum. It is one thing to admit that we are feeling down, but criticizing ourselves (and vicariously others) is not the way to feel better. Let's remember why we are here and stay positive!

A lot of this is the issue of the 'filter',,,

There are 2 kinds of people when it comes to speech/talk/conversation. Some people are quite thoughtful, and before they say/type their thoughts, they play a little internal chess game and sort out all of the different ways their words could be taken. They imagine how this would sound from the other person's point of view, and if it's hurtful or bad, they'll change their words before they speak, or maybe even just shut up.

Other people have no filter at all. It comes up, and it comes out. They never consider their audience.

I used to have very little filter, and said some really awful-hurtful-mean stupid stuff. I'm working on it, and I think I'm getting better.


OTOH - let's be realistic too. Now if your friend weighs 180 pounds, and she'd like to weigh 140 pounds, she might still feel that she has a way to go. Now I'll agree with you that she should not cry to her 300 pound friend about how she's a cow at 180,,, but the friend (who would love to be at 180, I know) should still be a little understanding that her friend still has a ways to go and is allowed to vent a bit. Otherwise, nobody but the biggest person around gets to talk about their journey, and that would suck.


Does that make sense to anybody else? Did my filter just fail again? If it did I'm sorry,,,

I am not very good with putting my feelings to words and sorry in advance if I hurt anyones feels.

It is hard for everyone who feels or needs to loose weight. But we can not tell people not to vent their frustration. I am one of those people who does not look as heavy as I am, I also know what I need to loose for health reasons, but this is support and if I am having a bad day and feel fat I should be able to say this. It is not ment to hurt others but it is my feelings and when you vent it helps. I dont look at people and say they should not feel fat they only have 10 pounds to loose. Everyone handles their feelings in different ways. We are all here for support not to argue about how they get it.

Like I said this is not about hurting feeling or who is right. it is about support. I know I get it and love all who are on here we are here for the same reason we just deal with it different ways.

Hope I worded this ok.

Thanks for the post and putting it into perspective for me. I'm trying to lose 40lbs (some baby weight/ some other) and I am guilty of saying negative things about myself around others all the time. This makes me realize that it makes people uncomfortable (those trying to lose weight and those who aren't). My husband always tells me not to talk about it in front of his mother because she's overweight (mind you, she's wearing a size smaller than me now) but I don't see her as big, just myself as big. But, I know when my super skinny friends talk about going on a diet or trying to lose weight I feel like a big ol' blob...so I get it. I think my negative thinking and talking definitely affects my weight loss and if I were more positive, I would see positive outcomes, not to mention it may encourage others to think more positively about themselves. Once again, great post and thanks for opening my eyes!

Chris - I do agree with you. It is very hurtful to hear negative comments about anyone's appearance, even if you are talking about yourself. We are all on this journey together -- whether we have 10 pounds or 100+ pounds to lose. And each of us (every single one of us!) is trying to do the right thing - to be healthy and happy! I don't believe people say negative things about themselves to hurt others. In fact, I know it's more about wanting someone to tell them that they are wrong (oh, you're not so bad ...). They want verifcation that they aren't too fat, or too ugly, or too gross. Let's all agree that none of us are too anything! We are wonderful, caring people and we should support each other and ourselves on this journey. Before saying anything negative (about weight or otherwise), STOP, THINK, REEVALUATE! Is this something I would want to hear if someone else said it out loud within my ear shot? If not, don't say it. It would be great if we could all stop thinking negative things, but that's an entirely different mindset all together. Trying to turn your negative thoughts around. What's the flip side of this negative comment? Can I say something positive and supporting instead? As for me, I just want to say thanks to all to have given me support, especially when the times are tough! Best wishes,
Cheryl

OTOH - let's be realistic too. Now if your friend weighs 180 pounds, and she'd like to weigh 140 pounds, she might still feel that she has a way to go. Now I'll agree with you that she should not cry to her 300 pound friend about how she's a cow at 180,,, but the friend (who would love to be at 180, I know) should still be a little understanding that her friend still has a ways to go and is allowed to vent a bit. Otherwise, nobody but the biggest person around gets to talk about their journey, and that would suck.


Does that make sense to anybody else? Did my filter just fail again? If it did I'm sorry,,,

This exactally!

Everyone thats has weight to lose wether it be 2 pounds or 200 pounds feels the same way in thier journey.

We as individuals have to not take others thoughts and things they say and twist them into our own inner voice. When your friend that has 20 pounds to lose comments on her struggles and how she feels, it has nothing at all to do with your struggles and how you feel. You just make it that way.

Like the post above If everyone but the biggest person in the room is not allowed to speak freely about themselves, others could miss out on a gret motivator or hearing from someone who resembles themselves and starting thier own change.

So like I said wether its 2 pounds or 200 pounds the journey is all the same.

I totally agree with that has been said no matter how high the weight is to loose that the way is the same and we all have our struggles. I did never say that this is not the case, and i would never forbid anyone to rant and vent about anything, matter how high the hurdle is.

But that i would not forbid and understand that everyone has their struggles and i know it is not about me, it is about themselves BUT that does NOT change how i feel about it when i hear it. Does that make sense? To KNOW and to FEEL are two very very different things. I KNOW all that but does not change the way I FEEL Though i do not put my feelings above what they feel when i hear the rants and venting and let them rant and vent even if i feel bad with that, that goes over. I'm not the center of the universe, that's fine

Just felt like adding this to my former post...

I really don't want to sound insensitive, and I apologize if I do. I have watched what I eat and exercised for the last 20 years of my life. I worked hard after each one of my three children to get back in shape. When I hit forty that constant 10 lb battle became a 20 lb one. I joined weight watchers when I had 15 lbs to lose, became a lifetime member (paying right now) and continue to weigh in. I have belonged to Curves for years and have consistently walked.

I get so many comments asking why I worry about my weight, I hear comments about skinny girls at weight watchers, or why do you drink diet - your not fat. It is so discouraging to hear people saying these things. I don’t understand why they cannot see how hard I have worked. No offense to anyone, but sometimes people with a lot to lose can also be insensitive to us who do not. I respect how hard they will have to work; I wish in return I can be respected for how hard I have worked.

Heck I get upset when anyone talks negative about themselves; you have to love yourself to take care of yourself. Save the names for your mother-in-law (mine thinks I am crazy for always eating “diet” food).

"

Do you realize when you are around your friends/family who ARE FAT and you are complaining about being 5-10 pounds overweight, and how ugly you look? So what do we look like to you?



Sorry...rant over.....

I understand how you feel, I do, I was that very overweight person not too long ago , and I have lost my weight following MFP, counting my calories and sweating my butt off . BUT, I have to say, I dont agree with you at all here on this one. I learned thru a dear friend that her wanting to lose her last 10 pounds means just as much to her as my wanting to lose 70 pounds ( I was around needing to lose that when we became friends) She didnt think I looked gross, or ugly, she was focusing on her body and how she felt , and she wanted to lose those 10 pounds!! I learned thru her how it is all just as important to us all. So lets not minimize when someone is trying to lose 10 pounds, Are you going to look at me now and wonder how I can complain about my last 15 pounds? No, I dont think you are, not when you see my pictures and see how far I have come, you will be happy for me that I reach my goal weight( at least I think you will).

If this was already address, I am sorry, I didnt read it all, I want to eat my dinner lol :happy: