Some folks take the family thing too far
MeIShouldB
Posts: 578 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm sure some folks read this title and immediately thought WTF.....let me explain. I have this cousin who is getting married next month. I was talking to my grandma and telling her how I am going out of town with my boyfriend next month and she mentioned my cousins wedding and I told her that I am not going. This cousin has never been there for me, never talks to me (even when we are in the same room, never been there for any of my major life events (or minor for that matter), she is disrespectful to both me and my mother, my mother recently had 2 major surgeries and she never showed up at the hospital, I have an incurable brain condition and have had 10 surgeries and don't recall her being at any of them. My grandmother goes on to say that she is family and I should go and what if I want her at my wedding (which I don't, for the above reasons why would I?) My thing is this: people are quick to pull the family card, but if a family member treats you like you don't matter are you still supposed to treat them right because they are blood? For me, family isn't about blood. Family are the folks that are there for you, want the best for you, are at your side when you need it. I am a strong believer in treating people the way they treat you. Does anyone have experience with a family member who treats them like crap, and other people keep saying "but they are family".
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Replies
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I'm not real close to my distant relatives, no particular reason it's just we have nothing in common other than we're related.0
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Relations by blood do not have to be family necessarily, tell her/him to shove it.0
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I get it all the time (and we're talking about a STEP grandparent in my case) I do not like this woman, every time I see her I get the knife in the back about being single and not having kids because all of my cousins (and now my sister) do. She does not get that this hurts me because it's not that I don't want marriage and kids, I do, but if I can't find a guy that's interested in me, there is not a lot I can do about it (I've tried dating sites-on which I get the scammers, I tried a matchmaking service- not even close to being matched with someone that was interested, my friends don't know anybody to try to set me up with) so I'm out of luck. She doesn't get that it is torture to go to family gatherings and see the two cousins that have two kids each, the one cousin with nine kids (yes, I said nine... and they're not done yet) and now my sister with my nephew, I literally cry for days up to these events, dread going, upset the entire time I'm there, and cry for days when I get back.
Why do I go? Because I get the "family" card or the reminder that my grandfather is not going to be around much longer... and I have a huge guilty conscience... I'm doing my best to distance myself, my family is starting to make it much easier since they seem to suddenly be incapable of planning things far enough in advance that I can get the time off (and they are getting to where they assume that I can just take time off whenever I want so I will be there) doesn't work that way with my job, I've got another coworker to consider because of our on call coverage schedule, we make plans around when we are not on call, and don't change the schedule unless we absolutely must. Their luck ran out after this weekend0 -
I have a brother who I have nothing to do with..I don't hate him, I just don't like him for the way he acts ( he's a nob) and if I die before him, he's not coming to my funeral. I've made that clear.
So....tell them to get lost.0 -
Relations by blood do not have to be family necessarily, tell her/him to shove it.
This exactly. Many of the most important people in my life are not blood related at all!0 -
I agree with you and would not be going to the cousin's wedding either.0
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Lol knew I couldn't be the only one with this issue0
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I have a lot of cousins around my age (in their 20's and 30's) on my father’s side. They are all really close, always talking to each other and going out in groups. I’m never invited, and these people have never helped me in life. Aside from funerals or weddings I never see them, half the time they don’t even recognize me. So I agree. I do not consider them my family and I wouldn’t go out of my way for them. I consider most of my friends and my boyfriend’s family, my family. They have always been there for me and I can tell they appreciate my existence.0
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Thing is, I talk to her mom (my aunt) all the time, and I haven't figured out what to tell her as to why I am not going. My mom isn't going either for the same reason.0
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I can understand your feelings. I believe your grandmother is just hoping to avoid family drama. I do many things with relatives that I don't like very much just for the sake of the shared relatives. Perhaps grandma is hoping that attending her wedding will be the event that brings you two closer together. Who knows?
Did you actually receive an invitation? If so, you should at least call the cousin and letter her know that you can't make it.
If not, then she doesn't want you there. Grandma will get over it. Make sure you bring grandma back a souvenir.0 -
She probably just wants you there for the money in the card! Greedy people. If she's never been there for you, find other things to do on the wedding day. Sorry, plans!
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well. in my family, it'd just be an excuse for everyone to get together and party. maybe grandma wants to see all her grand kiddos in the same day.... regardless of your feelings for your cousin, i see the benefit in having everyone come together for a celebratory reason...and not just for everyone to support your cousin, but for your elders and other relations. But, that being said, if you already got plans, you already got plans. I wouldn't reschedule an important event with your life partner for a family reunion.0
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i get that a lot since my daughter was born. we stopped going to a couple of big extended family functions because there are a good dozen people there who still think it is acceptable to smoke in the house. my daughter has asthma, and is a bit fragile in general, so we don't go to things like christmas, where we can't be outside in the fresh air, at least away from some of it. They seem to think I turned my back on them and theirs, or that i want nothing to do with them. I have to look out for my kids and keep them from harmful things like smoke as much as I can. we still see these people in the summer but avoid the indoor get togethers so they can think what they want. being a family means you do what you can to strengthen each other, not make some members sick.....have i repeatedly gone off about the smoking thing to them? yes, and they just don't get it, so we just don't go0
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I agree with you for the most part. I have family members like that too. The only thing I feel differently about is this:I am a strong believer in treating people the way they treat you.
I believe in treating people the way you'd like them to treat you.0 -
Is it open bar? :drinker: How big is the cookie table?
Don't feel obligated to go - she's probably feeling obligated to invite you from the sounds of it.0 -
Just to clarify, if there have been invites sent out....nobody in my house got one. And my grandma is quick to pull the family card but she has a grandchild that she treats badly, so I kinda take her "family" speeches with a grain of salt.0
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If you get an invitation RSVP that you will not be attending. No explanation required.
As for your grandmother tell her the truth.0 -
I agree 100%!0
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I missed my sisters wedding to go to the beach, in my defense, she planned a last minute wedding when I was scheduled for the beach and she was supposed to stay home with my son.....Yeeeeaaaahhhhhh lolol0
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Do what you think is best hun! Don't let your grandma or anyone else tell you,do what YOU want...0
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I'm with you. The only people in my family I "show up for" are my parents. Because of this, I've been blamed for ruining family holidays, causing "huge rifts" and hurt feelings. This from people who c all me up on Christmas to scream at me. :noway:
I don't get the blood-responsibility claim. This was a huge issue in my marriage. My partner is someone who believes family trumps everything. So when their mother was sick they dropped out of school, moved out of state, left me home to take care of things and went bankrupt taking care of her. Did I mention that this is the same mother who would drop him off as a kid with her friends and then take off for weeks at a time to go on vino induced benders?
This marriage ended for sooo many reason.
Blood-shmud. I say build your own family!0 -
As long as youre not being actively hostile to your cousin...no, youre not obligated. Send a nice congratulations card or a gift if you want to...but you're not obligated to show up or make nice if you don't want to. I doubt if this cousin will pay much attention either way. No stress.0
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For me, family isn't about blood. Family are the folks that are there for you, want the best for you, are at your side when you need it. I am a strong believer in treating people the way they treat you.
100% agree with you. Without going into too much detail, I have an extremely tumultuous relationship with my Mother. At 33 years old, I finally decided the stress and conflict that she adds to my life is just not worth it to me. I have very little interaction with her at this point. She lives less than a mile away, and even though she and I don't get along, she makes no attempts to see her grandson's who are 3 and 8 y/o. It's sad really.0 -
I hate the family card, and I REALLY hate the parent card.
My father was an abusive alcoholic in my childhood. He did things to me that no daughter should endure.
As an adult, if I am around my father and he is drinking, he STILL acts inappropriately. On top of that, he is constantly critical and disapproving of anything I do. He is aggressive about telling me how much he hates my husband (of 8 years) and how I don't need college, and why isn't minimum wage good enough for me?
He pedestals my sister. She's 19, married to an abusive man, and has a baby she doesn't take care of. She doesn't have college, or a job, and the army kicked her out. But she didn't talk to my dad for 4 years and I did, so he is enthralled with her attention, and mine is unnecessary.
I spent many months at a time not talking to my father. I think I have good reason. I have tried to repair my relationship with him, and my husband always encouraged that, even though he is treated badly. But a lot of my friends have had parent losses, especially father losses. They always criticize me for not giving him another chance. "You only get one father", "you're gonna regret this one day", "you have to be the better person because it will kill you inside when he dies". I hate this crap. YOU may miss YOUR father, but I can't imagine anyone missing my father, a man who still drinks himself to sleep every night and emotionally abuses me whenever I let him near me.0 -
If theys want to be your family, they have to behave as family.0
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My mother's brother, no one has seen him since our grandmother passed away. He basically stole my other uncle's inheritance money, tried to hold one of the 2 limos at her funeral for his family only. mind you it was his second wife and her kids from another marriage along with their spouces and tried to shove twice that amount of people who are direct family out into the other limo. Plus the money meant for the customary meal after the funeral, well he stole that too. We are all glad we have nothing to do with the selfish b@$!@rd.0
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I've cut out vast swaths of my family. No phone calls, no cards, no letters. Nothing.
Family isn't always family.0 -
I only associate with people who better my life and vice versa. I don't deal with stress or drama. I pick and choose carefully the people I want a relationship with and that includes my family. However, my children, my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and grandparents I will always have a relationship with regardless. Cousins, not so much. Most of my cousins are drug addicts and incarcerated.
Unfortunately I have lost my parents, one and only sibling and a grandchild, so that makes my family super small, but we are big with love and being the matriarch of my family, I let no one interfere or disturb the peace within.0 -
I've cut out vast swaths of my family. No phone calls, no cards, no letters. Nothing.
Family isn't always family.
Same here. Maybe not vast swaths, but definitely members. Just not worth it, at all.0 -
I hate that too! I don't speak to my two wench sisters. My Aunt recently told me I needed to buck up and let it go because we are family. Um no. Nobody will be in my life or MY family that I have created lives who doesn't treat us with respect. You can take your blood and shove it. I hope that made sense. lol0
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