My confession.....

So I began using MFP over two years ago. I was doing well with my diet. I was exercising 4 or 5 days a week, I was eating right, including snacks and cheat days and felt completely in control. I was on top of the world! So happy with how I looked and how I finally found SOMETHING that worked for me.

I got to my goal weight. I had many people saying 'ew you look disgustingly thin now'. I hardly received any flattery which I desired so much.

So I thought to myself.. maybe I should eat more calories. I began consuming more junkier food which made me feel incredibly guilty. One MFPer said that their issue was that once they 'had a little treat', they felt that their day was ruined so 'consumed as much as they desired'. I wish they had not told me this... because I began to believe the same.

It turned in to binges. One chocolate bar turned in to a tub of icecream, 2 blocks of chocolate, profiteroles and a container of muffins. Everytime I binge, my stomach feels uncomfortable to the point that I can hardly walk and I drink down some diet soda drink to ease with the purging.

It has got so bad that these binges can cost me around $100+ a day... I have begun to enjoy my binge sessions and the guilty feeling of purging has become easier. My teeth are extremely sensitive and I have gained 5kgs over a period of about 4 months or so. I feel like I can't go out to a cafe and enjoy a muffin any more... I can't even accept a tiny peice of chocolate from someone because the flavour will turn on my cravings.

I've begun leaving my wallet at home when I go to work because I am afraid of spending a lot of money on the vending machines close by... and it would be chocolate... and I know that chocolate is hard to purge but this hasn't stopped me... I work the night shift, we have a work car so I have occasionally driven home to collect my wallet. From there on I stop at McDonalds, 7 Eleven, a local cafe, a gas station.... all to get food from different places as I am ashamed and am trying to disguise the fact that I'm on a binge food seeking mission.

Every day I wake up and I tell myself that I will have a cup of coffee and a bag of popcorn... and that I'll have some fruit for a snack and a soup or sandwich for lunch. I wish I could have cereal for breakfast but I know I will binge on that because it's not in a portion form. It's in an open box and I WILL consume a lot. I feel like I need to consume foods that taste bland, so that I am not tempted to consume more of it.... however this can also lead to a binge because I can begin thinking of all the tasty things out there and it makes my mouth water.

I am constantly thinking about the calorie numbers and what is going to make me fat. There are days where I go without binging... but I will be lucky if I go 3 days straight without a binge.

I have a 6 figure inheritence sitting in my bank and I'm scared to death that I am going to spend the majority of it on food... because I am constantly withdrawing from it. I wish I could save but this issue of mine just feels out of hand.

I hate this obsession... I wish I could go back to my controlled days where I would consume a bar here and there... or have a cheat meal and not give a damn about being 1000 calories over my goal for that one day in the week.

I'm sorry.. I realise that I probably need to speak to someone about this. I just had to let it all out.