Trying to overcome my parents' bullying
ashvegas99
Posts: 27
I have been overweight most of my life and of course, I got ridiculed in school for it. Unlike the bullies at school, my parents' bullying hurt the worst. They would always call me chubby and every single day, they told me to lose weight. The sad thing was, my mom's always been overweight herself.
The earliest ridicule I remember was when I was about 9. I was supposed to go on a field trip, but it got cancelled due to the weather. My mom had packed me a snack for later. However, I ate the snack for lunch too. Later that afternoon, my mom found out that I ate the snack for lunch and she got so mad. She as the level of anger that a parent would be if their kid got detention. She said "No wonder you are so damn chubby." She made me cry, but she got so mad when I cried.
Then when I was 11, my mom, her friend, and I went shopping. They wouldn't stop anywhere for lunch, so I was hungry. I ate one candy bar. Later that evening, I was fooling around on my mom's Ab Rocker and she just snarls "You better do more of those. You ate like a pig today". And in front of her friend. I was humiliated.
A few years later came the "if you keep eating and laying around, we will have to cut a hole in the door so you can get out" comments. I was even walking on the treadmill trying to get better and my dad snuck up and turned the speed up so high I nearly fell off. He wasn't remorseful at all and told me he was trying to help.
Then one night, my dad out of the blue remarks "Both of my girls are chubby". He was talking about mom and I. That hurt so bad but I couldn't cry bc it would piss them off.
My parents have caused me to be depressed, have low self-esteem, and self hate. The most I've actually heard them complement me was when I lost 30 lbs a few years ago. Even then they would still talk about chubby I used to be. Thanks for reading my long story.
The earliest ridicule I remember was when I was about 9. I was supposed to go on a field trip, but it got cancelled due to the weather. My mom had packed me a snack for later. However, I ate the snack for lunch too. Later that afternoon, my mom found out that I ate the snack for lunch and she got so mad. She as the level of anger that a parent would be if their kid got detention. She said "No wonder you are so damn chubby." She made me cry, but she got so mad when I cried.
Then when I was 11, my mom, her friend, and I went shopping. They wouldn't stop anywhere for lunch, so I was hungry. I ate one candy bar. Later that evening, I was fooling around on my mom's Ab Rocker and she just snarls "You better do more of those. You ate like a pig today". And in front of her friend. I was humiliated.
A few years later came the "if you keep eating and laying around, we will have to cut a hole in the door so you can get out" comments. I was even walking on the treadmill trying to get better and my dad snuck up and turned the speed up so high I nearly fell off. He wasn't remorseful at all and told me he was trying to help.
Then one night, my dad out of the blue remarks "Both of my girls are chubby". He was talking about mom and I. That hurt so bad but I couldn't cry bc it would piss them off.
My parents have caused me to be depressed, have low self-esteem, and self hate. The most I've actually heard them complement me was when I lost 30 lbs a few years ago. Even then they would still talk about chubby I used to be. Thanks for reading my long story.
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Replies
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Eat well, lose weight, look fabulous, live as well as you can, and make them eat their words.0
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your fat mother was talking to/about herself when she was abusing you.
it was a reflection of her self image, not a true picture of who you are.
you can't punish yourself forever for her weaknesses & failings.0 -
Hon, that's not bullying. It's abuse. If you need to, please talk to a counselor or therapist. I can tell you that, without a doubt, the psychological hurdles are harder than any workout or diet will ever be.
The damage of their words and actions has been done. But it's not the end of the story. You get to write that part.
Best of luck, and positive thoughts to you. :flowerforyou:0 -
Abuse.
You owe it to yourself to seek out a support group, including a trained professional to help you and support you along your journey.
You deserve to live a happy, healthy life!
Best wishes to you! You WILL do it!0 -
I personally can identify with your story. My family didn't physcially do that stuff but their words hurt worse. When I started losing weight, the insults increased along with the poking fun....over 200 pounds later and they still joke...it's hard to live with but I push on..I'm sorry they did that to you..I never knew what exercise was until I made myself get on the ratty old exercise bike after I hurt my knee0
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Sorry you had to grow up with that. I have to say I've had similar experiences from all of my family members growing up and as an adult. Everyone always had something nasty to say to or about someone in my family. As and adult I've made the choice to not have them in my life anymore. I feel so good about myself without all of their negativity in my life that I no longer feel that I have constant obstetrical in my life and I actually feel as if I"m worth something.
I didn't look to see what your age is but I can tell you this.. if your still living at home then work on moving out. Learn how to tune them out when they talk if your not able to cut yourself away from them as I did.
I would rather not have those knuckle heads in my life and be happy than have to deal with the misery they cause.0 -
your fat mother was talking to/about herself when she was abusing you.
it was a reflection of her self image, not a true picture of who you are.
you can't punish yourself forever for her weaknesses & failings.
I completely agree! You own your own weight and weight loss goals - work hard and (as another poster said) make them eat their words.0 -
This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.
Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.0 -
If you're 18, move out and limit contact with them. That stuff is toxic and will poison your whole life. I had to do that with my Mom too - and she wasn't half as bad as what you described.
If someone in your life makes you feel bad, and you can't break up with them, at least limit your contact to very rarely - and tell them why.
Get some counseling if you feel it would help. It also helps to journal all your feelings. (not online, though - in a private journal where you can be totally honest.)0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!0
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My parents were the same way, but I was skinny and they called me 'bones'. My sister was overweight and our mother told her that she couldn't be in MY wedding because she was too fat. I was only 18 when I got married and I didn't stick up for her, I guess out of fear that my parents wouldn't pay for the wedding, idk. How shallow of me! I still regret that and apologized to my sister for not sticking up for her. .
The only thing that worked for me, and I wouldn't recommend it without some sort of counseling, was to remove the toxic people from my life. No one deserves to be abused, ever, let alone over and over again. I feel like a new person, I've since lost weight and my blood pressure isn't as high. Good riddance!
Good luck to you and I pray you find some self confidence and worth. You're an amazing person and deserve to be happy!0 -
Rise above it.....it hurts, but you can overcome. You'll get an amazing level of support here :flowerforyou:0
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We all have our stories. I cut my mother out of my life because she was just so judgemental and would take no responsibility for any of it. Kids don't come into this world broken and the only reason children get screwed up is if communication within the home is a mess. Kids that are messed up or are acting out in unhealthy ways are only symptoms of deeper issues within families. I finally decided blood was not a strong enough reason to keep my own mother around and my father is hanging on by a thread because he too has been a huge disappointment to me. Sad but sometimes necessary. Parents love is supposed to be unconditional. Not "I will only love you if you make me proud". I don't know your story aside from what you have written but I know how devastating crappy, selfish parents that put their needs and feelings above yours, can be to your soul.0
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I'm so sorry you had to deal with such hurtful, criticizing parents. You didn't deserve that abuse, especially from your own parents!
There's really no excuse for them to treat you that way. If I were you, I would work hard and focus on making myself happy and healthy. You have nothing to prove to them, and as much as I'm sure you just want their acceptance (because I know I would!), I still wouldn't do it for them or try to make them happy. If they can't love you for who you are at your weakest or heaviest, etc, then they shouldn't be able to love you at your strongest and healthiest.
Hopefully they still don't criticize you like this, but if they still do, I would stand up for yourself and tell them how it's making you feel and how you won't stand for it anymore. And if that doesn't work, as hard as it is, sometimes it's just easier to let go of the negative, hurtful people in your life -- even if those people are your parents.
Keep focusing on you, surround yourself with people who DO support you, and shine!0 -
I feel your pain.
When I was 30 we came across one of those baby journals. My mom hadnt filled it out, but she decided to see what she could remember. It was fun going through it until we reached babys first word...she put in the word eat.
hahaha...good one mom...everyone roared with laughter...except me.
Shes always measured my net worth on how I look. No matter how succesful I am with my career or family, I am a miserable failure and embarssment in her eyes because I am overweight.
Shes a GREAT mom in so many other ways, and has gotten better over years, but wow, shes hit me with some humiliating zingers over the years
hang in there!!0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.0 -
This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.
Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.
Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:0 -
I agree with everyone.this is abuse.Have you try to sit down and talk to them.tell them how this is hurting you.this is not helping you at all.keep reaching for your goals.good luck!!0
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This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.
Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.
Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:
^ Another for this. I have had very little contact with my parents for the last 2 decades and every time I have, I've regretted it. Respect yourself, move on and find friends. Sometimes family doesn't deserve you.0 -
I can't believe you have had to go through all this. Verbal abuse especially can affect you later on in life if you do nothing about it, so
If I were you I would consider going through counselling to help heal your troubled thoughts or maybe speak to a friend or anyone outside the family. The fact the your parents could put you through so much emotional discomfort is disgusting. I know what it's like to be called nasty names by others and it really affected me as I grew up but going through therapy and confiding in friends really helped me. Good luck with your weight loss goals but don't do it for your parents, do it for yourself!
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I went thru similar stuff as a kid and came out clean on the other side. BUT I had to remove my mom from my life to heal. That was it. I could not afford to have someone so disrespectful in my life determining my self worth. I am far from skinny and fit yet, but I can climb mountains! I can accomplish more than I ever dreamed possible. And just the other day I found self worth and it transformed me visably. I got compliments..... Im still getting them because of the happy glow that surrounds me. Thats what I had to do. I know how that the weight will come off and things are improved already.0
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your fat mother was talking to/about herself when she was abusing you.
it was a reflection of her self image, not a true picture of who you are.
you can't punish yourself forever for her weaknesses & failings.
^^ I really like your posts, they're always insightful and empathetic. I agree.
It's so hard to let go of our need to please our parents and make them proud. Our inner monologue can sound a lot like we got talked to as kids by our parents, too. It takes work, but it can be changed. Like others have said, build yourself up by surrounding yourself with a support group and finding hobbies that you love. Treat yourself well. Make positive changes for YOU, and because YOU deserve it, not to gain their approval. My heart goes out to you. You're beautiful, and it's too bad your parents can be so awful, but it doesn't have to dictate your life, I promise. 0 -
I know how you feel, my parents were the exact same way. I remember one time I when I was 16 I was getting ready to go somewhere and I was in the bathroom in my bra and panties and my mom walks in and says "My body is better looking than yours." Mind you, she was 50! Ridiculous. After the birth of my last son I was over 300 pounds and my parents were always ridiculing me about my weight. I had fantasies where I would tell them that I'm fat so that I will beat them to the grave so that they can die miserable and alone
I never actually said that though. Anyway I've lost almost 100 pounds since then, and they are being a lot nicer now, being encouraging at least. Unless you live with them and have to see them, I would disappear for awhile. Just because they are your parents and you love them doesn't mean you have to put up with the abuse. Blood doesn't always mean you're family! Try and surround yourself with supportive friends and people who care about you and show it properly! 0 -
Are you still in your parents home?
Try really hard to see if there was possibly a loving intention? I'm not saying this is definately your case, but I know parents are only human and they may not know what to do (or may not want to make the changes themselves in order to help you) selfish? yes. Abusive? no.
However they may just plain be bullies, and if that is the case, I would recommend councelling to help yourself get over it, and decide where to go from here.
You seem, from your responses, that you are a really strong person so I think if you focus on either fixing your relationship, or moving away from it, you can certainly make the life changes you need to get healthier!0 -
I agree with everyone.this is abuse.Have you try to sit down and talk to them.tell them how this is hurting you.this is not helping you at all.keep reaching for your goals.good luck!!
I don't agree with the above quote. In my experience with my 'sick' family members explaining your feelings to someone who is incapable of empathy is pointless. Not to mention that people who behave like that usually get gratification from actually hurting people. So if you talk to them about your feelings you give them more ammunition to use against you and hurt you. The verse from the Bible comes to mind. "Don't cast your pearls among swine." Your feelings are pearls.
I don't mean any offensive to the poster I think her advise is well intended, but if you've not grown up in an abusive household it's hard to conceive how ugly people can be towards their only family.0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.
This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.0 -
I agree with everyone.this is abuse.Have you try to sit down and talk to them.tell them how this is hurting you.this is not helping you at all.keep reaching for your goals.good luck!!
I don't agree with the above quote. In my experience with my 'sick' family members explaining your feelings to someone who is incapable of empathy is pointless. Not to mention that people who behave like that usually get gratification from actually hurting people. So if you talk to them about your feelings you give them more ammunition to use against you and hurt you. The verse from the Bible comes to mind. "Don't cast your pearls among swine." Your feelings are pearls.
I don't mean any offensive to the poster I think her advise is well intended, but if you've not grown up in an abusive household it's hard to conceive how ugly people can be towards their only family.
Exactly this. When I read that I was thinking "Oh please don't do that." It will just hurt your feelings when you don't get the response you were hoping for! At least I know that if I tried talking to my mother about things she would have turned it around on me, saying I was being "too sensitive" or something along those lines. People like my mother and the OP's parents refuse to believe that they are the problem!0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
That doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are ignorant.0 -
AmenI think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
That doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are ignorant.0 -
You owe it to yourself to prove that you are the superior woman. And let her be a couch potato as you become an amazon.0
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