Trying to overcome my parents' bullying

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  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.

    This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.

    Exactly, and you say they helped pay for WW for you, not something an abusive parent would do imo.

    ETA: there's alot of post on here where people complain that their husband/wife/family aren't supporting them because they continue to eat junk etc. It's upto the individual to have self control and will power not to eat the junk, why expect everyone to change their lives because you want to.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!
  • SusanKKO
    SusanKKO Posts: 45 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
    ^ this ^

    some folk just don't have the where with all to communicate positively. just forget it and get on with your life and forgive them otherwise those words, which after all are in the past now and don't exist apart from in your head, will continue to control you.

    This is true. You have to forgive them and move on. If you don't, you are the only one suffering as you replay this in your head over and over. It's not easy and it's not fair that they didn't treat you better, but it is a part of life. We all have to deal with the shortcomings of others as no one is perfect. Try to forgive them in order to free yourself. Good luck!
  • ultra_jason
    ultra_jason Posts: 2
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    I have to agree with the less compromise-oriented replies. Sitting and chatting about your feelings with abusive people (parents, or not) simply gives them another edge to cut you with. Best to cut the toxic bits from your life, though, of course, their can be resulting feelings of loss. That's easier to deal with than the abuse! Be strong!
  • GnomeLover1984
    GnomeLover1984 Posts: 80
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    So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?
  • bregalad5
    bregalad5 Posts: 3,965 Member
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    I went to college, only visited home on college vacations because I had to. Graduated, spent a miserable three months at home, moved away, and the most I spend at my parents' is one week at a time a couple times a year (mostly to see my sister and show my face at Christmas and another random time of the year).

    Every time I go home, I slip back into the depression and victim mentality I had when I lived there. Psychological abuse is not always obvious to anyone but you. You don't have physical scars - they're emotional and psychological. 11 years after graduating high school I still struggle, but I am a much, much happier person than I ever was before.

    It's a process, but just know you're worth it, and see if you can move out to distance yourself from your parents.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I have got today. But a few comments I am having trouble digesting.

    I am really trying to overcome this, but some of you never had to grow up in an environment like this. I know my parents loved me, but sometimes they were so mean to me. They have called me a snob just because I didn't have friends growing up because most of the kids were mean to me. I got called a dumbass once for not understanding what my mom said. I also wasn't allowed to cry around them when I cried. If I cried, I got spanked and yelled at more.

    Those of you who want to know, I'm currently grown and have moved out and have married someone who is very supportive. But I still struggle with the all of the memories. It's harder than you think just to get over it.

    Also, I still love my parents and talk to my mom daily. They have been less abusive, but there have been times they have been mean. My husband is also overweight and they have made fun of him behind his back. My mom also told me that I needed to lose weight before I bought a wedding gown, which hurt.

    I have accepted this: I obviously can't make them happy, so I have to make myself happy, so that's why I'm here :)
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?

    I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.
  • sunsnstatheart
    sunsnstatheart Posts: 2,544 Member
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    So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?

    I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.

    Best to ignore them. Most people grow up with loving parents and honestly have no idea the effects abusive parents can have, and how long those effects last.

    A wise poster above suggested reading the book "Toxic Parents" and another wise friend suggested I read it. Please give it a read. I had to break up with my parents several years ago, to the point where they have never met my younger child. They likely never will and I'm finally okay with that. Live for you and your SO and friends. You can honestly choose to stop fighting those old battles but it takes plenty of work and time, and it is not easy.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.

    This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.

    Exactly, and you say they helped pay for WW for you, not something an abusive parent would do imo.

    ETA: there's alot of post on here where people complain that their husband/wife/family aren't supporting them because they continue to eat junk etc. It's upto the individual to have self control and will power not to eat the junk, why expect everyone to change their lives because you want to.



    Before you judge me, realize that all I'm trying to say here is that they were being hypocrites and putting all of their insecurities on me. I lived with them while I was going to school because they wouldn't let me move out and have my own life. Luckily, I had a job so I was able to buy things for myself to eat.

    To say that I'm blaming my weight entirely on my parents is wrong. My grandparents were partly to blame bc they fed me snacks endlessly and didn't try to control my habits. But I know that it's my responsibility.
  • GnomeLover1984
    GnomeLover1984 Posts: 80
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    So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?

    I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.

    I had a rough childhood too. A really rough childhood. I gave up letting it affect me when I was around 16 and moved out of their home. Since then I have never let it dictate my state of mind, which is what you seem to be doing here. The best you can do is move on from it emotionally. If you succumb to those influences, then they win. You are stewing on their treatment of you like it would actually change anything. The only thing that can change is you.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
    put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
    i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
    the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!

    don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.

    have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
    put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
    i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
    the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!

    don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.

    have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.

    I've been contemplating going to therapy.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?

    I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.

    I had a rough childhood too. A really rough childhood. I gave up letting it affect me when I was around 16 and moved out of their home. Since then I have never let it dictate my state of mind, which is what you seem to be doing here. The best you can do is move on from it emotionally. If you succumb to those influences, then they win. You are stewing on their treatment of you like it would actually change anything. The only thing that can change is you.

    Hello, I've tried just letting things go. Sometimes, this crap comes back up. It's a lot harder than you think to just shut it all out of my damn mind.

    Maybe I want to come on here and talk about because I'm having a bad day and want to just talk about my problems. I talk to my husband about it too. I just want to talk to people who have been through it.

    I'm not looking for sympathy, just help and answers. I'm sorry that you went through a bad childhood too, but maybe I'm not as strong as you. I just want you to understand before you tell me just to get over it.
  • Sweet_Gurl_Next_Door
    Sweet_Gurl_Next_Door Posts: 735 Member
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    I really sympathize with you about the bullying issues in most cases its like reading about myself. even though my situation is a bit different than yours. I lost so far 74 pounds of the 250 I weighed. I thought once I got thinner the bullying would quit. the bully is my step - Grandma. I feel very proud of my accomplishments but she drags them down. when we go to dinner she eats twice what I do yet barks at me for eating something. one time she had her plate piled high with sweets and then me I had one mini cupcake as I was sweets free for a while and thought why not treat me to 1 mini cupcake. well she began to bark

    then last Sunday i went to see my friends in concert we went to the buffer at pizza hut she ate 4 times more than me and was barking at my eating also. I got to the point where I had enough so right or wrong I said umm look I weigh 176 pounds lost a total of 74 pounds. I am working out , trying to eat right and I have my days. but here you are pigging out on sweets, pizza piled high and are weigh more than me. yet you constantly bark at me . well no more you need to look at your self. after I said what I did she said I'll shut up now.

    I still feel even though I eat better and smaller portions and don't need to be ashamed whenever she comes in the house I feel like I need to sneak really quickly to get something to eat when I am hungry like its some kindo f crime. She doesn't like me to begin with because she uses the infamous I'm mean because I'm old trick and she knows that doesn't fly and I told her your mean cause you choose to be and age has nothing to do with. I know younger people who are mean and older people who are as sweet as apple pie. both of them made the choice on how to act.

    I am sorry about your parents treating you so badly. I would speak up for yourself and tell them there bullying and hurtful comments don't help any. I know your not of the age I am where I could put that bully in their place with repercutions but they do need to know how it makes you feel.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
    put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
    i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
    the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!

    don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.

    have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.

    I've been contemplating going to therapy.
    if you had an limb that swelled up, caused you near constant pain and stopped you from enjoying life, would you 'contemplate' going to the doctor, or would you recognise your need to get your injury treated?

    you owe it to yourself not to waste a single day more than you have to. get help sooner, get better sooner, start living sooner.

    x
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    I'm not trying to be mean, I get terribly defensive, so I apologize.
  • ashvegas99
    ashvegas99 Posts: 27
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    You are right, I'm calling the doctor on Monday.
  • Baileys83
    Baileys83 Posts: 152 Member
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    I never thought I would read a story that I can relate to quite so much. My mother always bullied me as a child - like you it hurt far more than the school kids. I was a chubby child but I didn't get the support - just smart remarks. I remember on numerous occasions standing in front of the mirror trying on new clothes and her coming along side me saying 'yeah they look ok but you wont ever be slim like me - it's not like I have to worry about your pinching my clothes!'

    It is hard but you have to find a way to let go. Be the better person, be yourself. I don't see my mother any more but it used to fill me with dread. The last time I saw her I made sure I looked 'amazing'. Sure I am still not as slim as her, I cant wear her skinny jeans that she insists on wearing at 50 something even though she really shouldn't but who cares... her jaw hit the floor when she saw me :)

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