Trying to overcome my parents' bullying

This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.

Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.

Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:

^ Another for this. I have had very little contact with my parents for the last 2 decades and every time I have, I've regretted it. Respect yourself, move on and find friends. Sometimes family doesn't deserve you.

I agree with all the above. I too cut my parents out of my life due to their mental abuse. For years I let it haunt me, I let them torment me (even as an adult) and when I cut them from my life it hurt; however I barely think of them now and I am soooooo much happier.

I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

Honestly, reading your story, it sounds like you had an awful childhood. Some of what you wrote sounds like downright abuse (the treadmill example, for instance), but other things reminded me of what my mother used to say to me when I was a kid. From the time I was 8 years old, I was chubby and simply liked food. My mom used to tell relatives that I had the appetite of all of them put together. In private, she would tell me that she never had an appetite like that as a kid, so she didn't know where I got it from. I dreaded going to the doctor for my yearly check up because I was always told that I was fat and needed to "eat less." Granted, I used to sneak food, but I don't think I started doing that until I was about 12 years old (and that's a whole other story!). One year, I think I was about 13, I told my mom that I didn't want to be fat for my yearly check-up, so she put me on a diet, based on her own weight watcher's diet. She controlled everything I ate, and I lost weight. My doctor was actually concerned that I had an eating disorder and brought it up with my mom, who laughed and told her that I didn't have the ability to be "anorexic," as if that would have been better than having a fat daughter. After then, I remember any time I would eat a snack that wasn't healthy, my mom would just look at me and tap herself on the *kitten*, basically telling me that everything I ate was going to my *kitten*. I never really felt like she was bullying me - perhaps because she passed away 5 years later and never really saw the full extent of my food issues.

All that being said, I don't think my mom was intentionally trying to bully me or be mean in any way. She just didn't know how else to deal with it. She had her own food issues and was constantly going to weight watchers, but was always over weight. Looking back, I know that her methods to lose weight were unhealthy and not methods that a 10 year old should emulating - she skipped breakfast and would sometimes even skip lunch in order to "save up" for a giant bowl of pasta for dinner. Other times she would make smoothies using artificial sweetener (say what you will about those chemicals, they give me a migraine and should not be given to children). The rule in my house growing up was that you do not drink your calories - this meant that I grew up on a steady diet of diet coke. She would deprive me of food in the same way that she deprived herself, so by late afternoon, I would gorge on chocolate chip cookies before anyone came home. She was a good mom otherwise, and I don't think she would have knowingly done any of that if she knew it was harming me emotionally. It has taken me a long time to figure out that a lot of my food "issues" come from how I was raised. I never saw it as bullying though, so I'm not trying to compare our situations. Working with a therapist can help you to gain back your self esteem but also try to figure out where your parents' food issues come from so that you can heal your relationship with them too, if you're interested in doing so.

Hello, I've tried just letting things go. Sometimes, this crap comes back up. It's a lot harder than you think to just shut it all out of my damn mind.

You're darn right. This hit a nerve because I had a bad marriage to a man who was verbally abusive to me and to our son- nothing related to weight, but abuse is abuse, and there's no such thing as "only" verbal abuse. It took me years after the divorce to get rid of the voices in my head that were telling me I couldn't do something, I was wrong, etc. My career started to take off after I married current DH, who is positive and supportive. DS took a long time to heal (DH helped there, too) but he's a wonderful young man and about to marry a young woman we really like.

But to get back to your posts- I'm glad you're going to seek therapy. Sometimes when you're entrenched in an abusive relationship, abuse starts to seem normal and it takes conversations with poeple outside the relationship for you to see it for what it is. The counseling I got on and off while I was married to my Ex eventually helped me detach.

You mentioned ahusband so I hope you're no longer living with your parents. In that case, it should be easier to stand up to them, and to cut off contact with them if you decide that's the only way to save yourself.

My "revenge" for this sort of treatment is to get back to the weight I was when I first was called "fat" but this time to be smart enough to know that that weight is NOT in the least bit fat for my height but right smack dab in the middle of my healthy range. So anyone mess with me at that point or try to criticize or bring me down better bring crash gear cause I won't be the one falling for it this time!!

I have to say this.. the ONLY person that matters in this journey is YOU. YOU are important enough, pretty enough, smart enough and wonderful enough to take care of yourself. Yes it will comeback up from time to time but you need to keep the one person who matters in this as the focus..YOU...Take care of you, make the choices that are good for YOU... we so often let other people or incidents derail us because we lose focus... take care of YOU baby...the others can either fall in line or get the hell out of the way..It took me a very long time to learn this....and it was painful for some and others were thrilled.. Hang in there!!

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I have got today. But a few comments I am having trouble digesting.

I am really trying to overcome this, but some of you never had to grow up in an environment like this. I know my parents loved me, but sometimes they were so mean to me. They have called me a snob just because I didn't have friends growing up because most of the kids were mean to me. I got called a dumbass once for not understanding what my mom said. I also wasn't allowed to cry around them when I cried. If I cried, I got spanked and yelled at more.

Those of you who want to know, I'm currently grown and have moved out and have married someone who is very supportive. But I still struggle with the all of the memories. It's harder than you think just to get over it.

Also, I still love my parents and talk to my mom daily. They have been less abusive, but there have been times they have been mean. My husband is also overweight and they have made fun of him behind his back. My mom also told me that I needed to lose weight before I bought a wedding gown, which hurt.

I have accepted this: I obviously can't make them happy, so I have to make myself happy, so that's why I'm here

I know exactly what your talking about. My mother refused to go with me to look at wedding gowns. I ended up going alone. The only person with me was the women who worked at the bridal shop.

You have a new life now. A husband who loves and cares about you.

I didn't realize that I could just break away from my family till a therapist asked me why do I continue to allow these people to cause me so much pain and anguish? She told me I didn't have to associate with them. I guess I was looking for permission to break ties with them or I didn't realize I was allowed to do that. Of course my family thinks I'm the crazy one because I want nothing to do with them. In their eyes since I"m the only one who walked away I'm the crazy one and they're all normal. Well if thats their idea of normal I want no part of it. A family should be supportive not mean and nasty towards each other. Not bad mouth you either behind your back or to your face for that matter. They shouldn't be trying to break up your marriage by making up lies about you like one of my siblings has done and continues to do.

In my case all of their attacks has made my marriage stronger. So they're just spinning their wheels for nothing. Their lives are **** so they have to make everyone else miserable. As they say misery loves company. Don't let them drag you down. Thats what they want! If you give in and let them destroy you then they win.

I was called worthless, stupid, lazy etc. You name it they've said it. I've proved them wrong and all they can do is piss and moan about it and continue to harass me and my children. I've had years of putting up with all of this. Having to go to the police, file reports, contact lawyers, keeping records of all instances etc. I wouldn't put anything past my one sibling and the others just follow.

Sometimes the best you can do is go about your life as best you can. Be strong and confide in your husband. See a therapist if you have to. It helps to get the opinion of someone who isn't in the situation and has fresh eyes on things. They may be able to give you some tips on how to handle any future conflicts or how to avoid them all together.

There is no shame in walking away from abuse. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you owe them anything and it doesn't mean you can be their punching bag.

Be strong!

Unfortunately "fat" comments never stop regardless of how old you get. I still hear them from family members and other people and I am in my forties. Let's overcome this and get our best bodies ever. Maybe then you can tell you mom to get her chubby butt on the treadmill. :0 (evil grin)

Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!

I love that website it's so helpful to know you're not alone and that it's not you.

Screw m your not only working on your weight, your completely working on changing your life and just like you remove the unhealthy food in your life so should you remove people that are unhealthy for you .... Only let people in who can bring something positive in your life and drop all the negative....

My family was like that all through school. I was the thinnest one in my family when they bullied me about being overweight. It has caused some issues with me, but now it is the motivation for me to lose. I decided to turn all the negative into positive, especially when my mom started asking me if I was going to stop working on losing soon. I have not gotten down to the weight I was during that time, but she is trying to tell me to stop. Now, I want to get down to that weight soon and rub it in my mom's face saying, "This is where I was when you called me fat. this is where I was when you thought I needed to get more exercise than anyone else. This is where I was. I still have some weight to go, so don't speak of my weight again."
Standing up to family abuse is hard, I know that. I would suggest just ignoring them as much as you can and when it gets too much, walk away. I would also suggest getting a therapist. Mine helped me overcome some of the hurt that I still felt 10 years later.

I'd say use that annoying bullying as fuel to motivate yourself and prove those pricks wrong that you have what it takes to be a lean mean fighting machine.

Like you, I was abused when I was growing up. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was badly damaged as a result of my experiences growing up.

One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.

However, I have learned to live with the legacy of my past. I've forgiven my parents and siblings and moved on. My advice to you is to also move on. You have with MFP a very powerful tool for self transformation. Use it well, get fit, eat well and engage in healthy lifestyle changes and pursuits. It will help you to transform your life and develop self-confidence and uncover your untapped potential.
kind regards,

Ben

I hope you feel better for discussing this.

Often the same parental types are so quick to dismiss our concerns that any sort of discussion is seen as "wimping out"

You won't change them , and often that is the hardest thing, they are the products of there upbringing and society and there own ignorance and stupidity, and that isn't going to change.

Work on yourself, be strong, but most of all don't rush things, spend time on yourself, being happy, read some books, understand passive aggression, but I would also focus on Managing your own anger.

I know it sounds wrong, but your abuse will have caused hurt and anger, and that would have been targeted back inside yourself, this builds up pressure, and expectation of others behavior which isn't healthy.

Try some NLP as well as this can just be enough to get your motivation started.

You HAVE to stop yourself feeling like a victim, you are not, you are in control of your life now, cry your tears, dry them and move on, you can't control the past, but you can damm sure control your future. For every negative memory, you will have had a positive one, treat them like sides of a coin, you choose which side to focus on longest. Why not see if your Mum wants to join you on the weight loss journey, and then slim your *kitten* off! That will learn her!!!!

Best of luck.

I read some of these posts, and im not sure if someone has already given this perspective so I hope you read this and bear with me.

I have come from a similar background. My mother has been overweight since she got married. She lost alot of weight due to illness, but is still overweight. I have been a small child, but became overweight ever since hitting puberty. I have been yo-yoing my weight since then.
I always remember my mother saying I was chubby. She would call me fat, or ask me why I wouldnt diet, and call me chubby infront of others. For example - last year when my uncle came for a visit, and I hugged him, I was wearing shorts, and she made an excuse for me wearing shorts by saying - oh dont mind her she's like a big ol chubby toy!! I was humiliated... I dont think my uncle wasnt even worrying about what I was wearing!! I have been on very dangerous diets as a kid to lose weight (cabbage soup diets, skipping meals etc).

I held on to that anger for many years but let it go. I realized that my mother was so angry with her weight, she was putting me down to make sure I never be like her. This was confirmed by the many conversations/fights we have had. She felt that the best way to get me motivated is to point it out all the time. All hell broke lose when I stopped calling them (because she would comment on how much weight ive put on), and we laid out all cards on the table.

She hasnt stopped completely... (like when my uncle came to visit), but at least now I understand her better. For me confronting her about it was the best move. she and I have very different ideas, and a big generational/cultural gap, so now we try to understand how we work. She tries not to comment on my weight (although sometimes she cant help it) and when she slips up, I brush it off or tell her off.

It is NOT right that your parents do this and put you through it!! Make it stop - by stopping contact, or confronting them. You WILL need support! My support was my sister... so find a good friend who will listen to you when you are feeling down, someone who will remind you how amazing you really are!!