Need Advice for Stay-At-Home Husband who is Unhappy

Hi

I was just wondering how old the kids are ?

Angie

It is possible for him to get a part time job somewhere? Just for him to get out of the house and working for a few hours a week.

Sounds like he might be depressed. Depression causes all those symptoms that you are describing. I think it's especially hard for men, not being able to work (due to the economy). Even if he doesn't want therapy, maybe you can convince him to go to your family doc and see about getting a mild anti-depressant, to see if that would help take the edge off.

(((hugs))) We're all going through tough times, but we are tougher. Keep your chin up, dear.

My husband lost his job in January of 2009. He was able to take advantage of TAA and go to school but he has been very crabby and just a pill to be around sometimes. I think it's more that #1 he would much rather be working and #2 he doesn't feel like he is providing for his family even though he is still on unemployment and #3 we are living on MUCH less money than when he was working. He also looks at unemployment as taking a handout. I've tried to explain that there was nothing he could do to prevent the economy tanking and his company pulling out of our area. It's just a tough transition for men going from working to being at home most of the time.

Try to think about the place he is in. He may really feel isolated and may need to work and get out of the house to feel whole.
Just a suggestion, look into daycare.

I can sort of relate to your husband because I am a stay at home mom (by choice). Being home all day can be a lonely job sometimes. I was a teacher before I gave birth and always had fun and hectic days. Once I left work I gained weight and honestly some resentment. I was jealous that my husband was still able to be social and go to lunch with coworkers while I was most likely eating junk food on the couch, in my pjs, in front of the tv. Maybe your husband feels this way too. Also, its hard going from working and having a sense of accomplishment and feeling pride in yourself and work to being home and never feeling like you are rewarded for your hard work. I finally had to give myself task lists just so I could feel like I was actually being productive by watching tasks get checked off. Finally, it may just be hard for your hubby bwcause he's not the main bread winner in your house. I wish I had some advice for you but don't have any magic words. Just keep trying to be supportive, it looks like you are being an awesome wife. And maybe have a real heart to heart about how he's making you feel. Just because he's unhappy with his situation does not give him the right to make you and the kids feel bad. Is it possible for him to look for another job? Or find part time work on the days you are home?

In my opinion, from what I understand about men, he probably feels depressed because he is not out there earning an income. That does something to a man not being the main provider for his family. That is a good thing. I would be concerned if he was completely happy to be home. I know my husband is a doer and he is constantly wanting to get things done and provide for our family whether it be working at his job or getting stuff done around our home. You seem like a good supportive wife. I think you should just encourage him and be positive...point out anything he does that is positive and make him feel like a man and that he is needed. Men want respect the way women want to be loved.

BTW, I really think it is great that you made it clear that you don't want people to bash your husband.

I'll be praying for your situation.

My husband just recently finished therapy for depression. At first, he thought it was kind of stupid...but then he learned a lot from it. He is employed but he actually wishes he wasn't.... at least not where he is at. He is also in the mindset spoken about earlier that a man is to provide for the family so he stays with his crappy job. I have a good job and can also make more income with a part time job but he feels it would be unfair to me. Also, are you and your hubby abler to have adult time? Sometimes, caring for kids all day can make you crazy...even when they are yours.
Good luck to you both. Remember,marriage is not always easy but if you love each other, you will do EVERYTHING you can to keep it together. Talk to someone...it does help.

I have been dealing with pretty much the same situation. Except I am the one that is home for a year and have no kids. I get my moods and snap at anybody that comes near me. I try to avoid as many people as possible. I wind up just staying home. I don't go out because I don't have the luxury ( I'll call it ) of having someone with another income, it is just me. It is hard when you have been a provider for a very long time and then you can't do it anymore especially when it is no fault of your own. I can usually catch myself before I fall into a depression, but whne that happens I just want to be left alone. eventually, something will get me out of my funk. I have noticed though that since I have had the time to workout, I have been feeling a bit better. Its hard to watch others go on vacation or go out to eat all the time.
The job hunt doesn't help. Like your husband, I am in a specialized field and times are lean, very lean. The truth is most companies want to hire younger people that they can pay less.
The only advice I can give you is just be there for him. You are the closest person to him so you are going to be the punching bag. Just be supportive and help him find things to do that will keep his mind busy for his own sanity. My children are my cats and believe it or not they are what keep me sane.
I hope things change for the many of us that are and have been unemployed for a while

My husband has been unemployed the past year (electrician) and is a stay at home dad currently watching our 3 year old. He gets pretty grumpy sometimes too and whines about not being able to help me more financially. But I insist that he's helping me out much more by staying at home right now. And he realizes that it isn't too smart to take a job that pays about the same or less than what we'd have to pay for a full-time sitter.

I found a nice drop-in day care and signed him up for some classes and he was so happy to get out of the house once in a while. The few times I've gone to pick her up the day care tells me, "Your husband is always so happy to drop her off!" He also exercises A LOT at home to P90X and Insanity. He teaches our daughter to exercise and they enjoy dancing together. Now that the weather is nice, he has been having fun taking her on walks to the nearby parks. Yesterday, they even discovered a small stream and played in it together.

Im home this week watching grandkids and its so different - I love them and they make me smile at every little thing they do, but I must admit...I miss my old me already cant imagine doing this for long term. They are 5 and 18months. Its just different - a whole different life. I would imagine that if this were long time for me I definitely would need to find a daily hobby of something, maybe when my spouse came home to take over I would go for a walk, go fishing, go to the gym...tan. I would NEED daily "ME" time to keep the sanity. Not just weekends, but daily. That's just my opinion.

It would be rewarding to myself to know I only have "so many hours" left of babysitting today and then its ME time! YEAH!!

oops got to go...someone pooped! my computer time is over :ohwell:

PS: I realize this isnt fair to you either, you need some time too. So somehow you guys need to find a fair balance. And, even just him having an hour to himself would probably help. To just be in bedroom watching tv with no little interruptions.

I also don't agree with ultimatums, but that's not what I was writing about.
Another thing I thought about, is I think it's also important to have a weekly "date" even if it's just an hour and all you do is get coffee and talk. Also, it is important to note that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that if we are angry or expressing anger there is always something else behind it (hurt, sadness, etc.). Sorry to get all "psychological" on you, I couldn't help it-it's not like I use my degree at work!!

,,,give him more time for his carpentry business.

Ya',,, do that. 'give him more time'.

Thanks for trying to undertand.

I read most of the posts, but from a guy's perspective, let me just say you may be going about it all wrong. I work at a job that is commission only and the first 5 months of this year was rough...rough...rough. I felt so inadequate because I could not bring in any money. It was a real strain on my marriage and home life. We do not have any kids, just a dog and a cat but I was crabby...she was crabby....and it was tough. Hell there was one month that she had to pay the full mortgage. That was the first time EVER. Even when we were renting, I always paid ALL the rent and bills and she did the grocery shopping and other types of shopping. Women just do not understand how inadequate that makes a man feel. There are things that men do not understand about women and I know that there are times where a woman will say "He would never understand how I feel about a certain situation becuase he is a guy". Well the same thing goes for us....women have no idea how much of a loser a guy makes himself out to be if he can't support his family. LOOO---HOOO--SSER is all we think of ourselves.

So what I did during my rough time was try to make my wife happy by doing things for her. Although I worked and still work 10 hours a day, I would come home and make dinner, clean it up, rub her feet, and make her as happy as I could. Which, or course, in turn made me feel a little better about my part in our marriage......as a team you know? Even though I was down for the count (boxing term ladies) I still wanted her to know how much she meant to me. She was and is my everything and to see her work all day and me work all day and her STILL pay for everything just was heartwrenching....


So my advise is play up to his inadequacies. Make him feel like you still need him more than anything. Make him feel like he is being the best dad and husband in the world. Give him more than usual intmacy (SEX!) so he can feel loved and a part of something or part of the team again. Once you have made him feel useful again, he will begin to open up to you or you can start to open him up and delve into what the issue is.

I will tell you this..communicaiton is the key to this issue. He will not want to talk about it at first, or he will give you short answers. Talking about his inability to financially support his family is something that no man will want to talk about but if need be.....he would rather talk to his wife than a shrink...especially after a night of intamcy and togetherness......sooner or later he will open up and discuss it with his wife/partner.

Once that line of communication opens up, it will feel like a weight has been lifted from both of you. He will still feel less than a man because he is not "bringing home the bacon" but he will start to come out of it if you make him feel that he is Needed, Loved, and Supported

I don;t know ....maybe I'm wrong......it is just my 2 cents....