Need advice about having a baby.

245

Replies

  • LATeagno
    LATeagno Posts: 620 Member
    Thanks, all, for your kind responses. I'm going to talk to him. I just want to be able to do it with a level head without bursting into tears. I think I'm more credible when I don't look hormonal. :)

    Thanks again. We'll see what happens. We're due for a talk tonight because last night I slept on the couch due to my unease about the situation (he knew it-- I told him I couldn't sleep. he knew it was baby related.)

    Your second paragraph says it all to me. You want a baby, he doesn't, so you are sleeping on the couch. Either communicate with him how you honestly feel or let go of having another child, but don't continue to "punish" him by sleeping on the couch and hoping he'll read your mind and give in.


    FWIW, there are plenty of only children in this world who have survived not having a sibling. I have one of them. Add in the fact that your daughter is already 9 and you'll find that she and a new sibling will not likely have a very close relationship because of the age difference.


    I slept on the couch last night because i was unable to sleep (yes, due to baby issues). It was not in anger or anything. No one was upset with one another, and we were both fine. It was more so because he snores and unless we both fall asleep at the same time, there's no chance I'll ever fall asleep after him with his snoring. LOL. He knew it was why I couldn't sleep-- nothing more. I'm not punishing him, and I'm sure he doesn't think that. It's not like it's a regular thing or anything. Just a fluke.

    I am aware that there are lots of only children out there. I know it's not the end of the world. My main issue is that we have no family. We have grandparents and one set of aunt/uncle, and they won't have kids. We have no extended family beyond that that we talk to. It's not just siblings-- it's more.

    And in regard to the age difference, that's not something I'm worried about. Our neighbors have a 16 year old and a 5 year old, and they're very close and it's a unique type of relationship. I'm not necessarily saying they'd be close now-- this means more to me for when she's older-- after we're gone. i don't want her to be dependent upon getting married to have a family. She will have no family-- that's my main concern.
  • pamelak5
    pamelak5 Posts: 327 Member
    I would see a marriage counselor. He needs to sort out why he doesn't want to have a kid. If he could be assured he would love the kids equally, would that make him want a kid? Regardless of whether you end up deciding to have another child, you need to both be at peace with the decision. If he feels pressured to have a child he doesn't want 100%, that will take a toll on your marriage. If you aren't at peace with the decision to not have ab aby, that will take a toll on your marriage. That is why I suggest getting therapy so that you can both be at peace with a decision you make together.

    Remember that the most important thing you can give your daughter is parents with a healthy relationship. Plenty of people were happily single children and there is zero guarantee that your daughter would be close to another child. The marriage and the child you have now must be your first priority.
  • _Witsy_
    _Witsy_ Posts: 609 Member
    Please be honest with him and tell him that you really would love to have another baby.

    The fears he has...they're completely normal. But if he's a great dad like you say, he'll realize when a baby comes how much more his life will blossom...how he can be a dad to both...how "biological" is just a term to define who fathered the baby... Doesn't determine whether or not he's a good dad...

    And it sounds like he is. But you gotta be honest.. I'd imagine you will have some mixed feelings afterwards if he goes through with it,,,but if you don't say anything...well.....
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,134 Member
    what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.


    Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though. :/

    He keeps asking your opinion about the vasectomy because he knows you want another baby and is doing his best without hassling you to get you to come out and say you want another baby.

    Tell him straight - you want a baby. Stop being all passive about the issue.
  • 2credneck208
    2credneck208 Posts: 501 Member
    I don't want to sound rude but these are the discussions you should have and agree on before you get married. Just my opinion though.
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,012 Member
    Which is more important to you? Your husband or having another baby? It's clear your husband doesn't want another....so if you want one that bad you need to reassess your relationship.
  • msleanlegs
    msleanlegs Posts: 188 Member
    i don't want her to be dependent upon getting married to have a family. She will have no family-- that's my main concern.

    Something else to consider is that sibling closeness isn't a guarantee. I'm sure we just about all of us know at least one set of adult siblings who fight like cats and dogs or won't even speak to each other. And your daughter doesn't have to get married to gain that close knit community like a family can provide. Friends can be oftentimes better than family because we get to choose them. :happy:
  • sylvuz323
    sylvuz323 Posts: 468 Member
    Ok, I have to ask since I'm not sure if you mentioned but what were his feelings on having a baby before you got married. I'm not in your exact situation, but in my case I have yet to have any children and my window of opportunity is getting smaller so my BF knew I wanted to have a baby atleast one and he has 2 of his own already. This is one of those things you discuss before marriage you want to be on the same page.

    Which then brings me to if he didn't want any from the start, now you are trying to change his feelings on something that would be very hard to do. It all comes down to the fact that you need to tell him what you want, till you completely express your feelings on the subject you won't be able to rest comfortably.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    OK, so I have very few close friends that I'm comfortable discussing this with, so I'm hoping some unbiased strangers can help.

    I got married in Sept. of 2011. My husband and I are very happy. I have a nine year old daughter whose father died when she was a baby, and my husband is the only father my daughter has ever known. He's been around since she can really remember-- since she was 4. He's a wonderful father to her.

    When we first met, he said he couldn't date a single mom. He liked me, though, and somehow we worked through this "rule breaker." He was scared of my daughter at first, but now they're inseparable. My husband has a very hard time making life decisions. He's always been that way.

    He told me a couple of years ago that he didn't want more children because he was "worried he'd love his own biological child more." I know this isn't true-- I mean my daughter's father, while he did end up passing away, wanted nothing to do with her. I don't think a biological link is what makes a father a true father. He's also said that he is worried about his genetics because his sister is mentally ill. I can't tell if he's genuinely afraid of this or if it's just an excuse.

    My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the month and I'm terrified. I really want another baby-- just one. But as the date draws closer, I'm finding myself to be very scared. He does not want a baby. He is unwavering about it.

    The main reason I want another baby is for my daughter. She is an only child and she will never even have any cousins. Both of our families are very small and I'm worried about her not having family when she gets older. She wants a sibling very much-- she often asks us if she can have a brother or sister. At her Girl Scout meeting last year (the first one), the troop leader made a reference to brothers and sisters and asked the girls to raise their hands if they had a brother or sister. She was the only one who didn't. She cried. My heart broke.

    We are very financially stable and could easily afford a baby, so that's not even an issue. I really think my husband would be fine with having his own child if he could just not be so scared of it. He's a wonderful man, but he has issues with "what if" situations. I even work from home as a writer. We are insured and have great maternity coverage. I wouldn't even need maternity leave because I work from a laptop right in my own house.

    My husband keeps asking me to talk about my feelings on the issue. He keeps saying "if you're having second thoughts, we need to talk about it now." I keep saying I do have second thoughts. We keep bouncing back and forth about why I think a baby would complete our family, but I've done everything but say "I want to have a baby. Let's try to get pregnant." I really want to tell him I want a baby, but I don't want to back him into a corner. He does so much for us. I don't want it to seem like I don't appreciate what he does. I feel like every time he asks me, I just feel like he is just fishing for me to agree with him. He listens to what I say, and while he hears it, I don't think he understands it. I know he's scared of it, but I don't know how to show him how great of a dad he already is. He's done so much when he thought he couldn't.

    I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I want him to listen to me and to understand why it's important we complete our family. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? It's not like we have a gaggle of kids. I just want a sibling for my daughter.

    Tell him how you feel. And by that I mean tell him you want another baby. If you don't tell him, you may wind up resenting him in the future.
  • msleanlegs
    msleanlegs Posts: 188 Member
    what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.


    Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though. :/

    Why does he have the vasectomy scheduled so soon if he's still on the fence? By the time my husband made his vasectomy appointment, I knew he was serious about not wanting any more kids. And the way I figure it, even if I had wanted one more, the spouse who doesn't want another kid gets the deciding vote.
  • Lone_Wolf70
    Lone_Wolf70 Posts: 2,820 Member
    I don't want to sound rude but these are the discussions you should have and agree on before you get married. Just my opinion though.
    [/quote

    This 1000%
  • lostsanity137
    lostsanity137 Posts: 298 Member
    I think the fact that he keeps asking for your opinion everyday means he is might still open to it. I think he is definitely worried about it though, not only how it will make you feel, but how his relationship with the biological vs. not-biological child will be. He already has a great relationship with your daughter, ask him, why would another baby change how he feels about her? He won't love the new baby more, it will just add another person to the family for him to love in addition to the love he has for your daughter.
    Tell him how much it would mean to you and how it could benefit not only you and your daughter but him too.

    Don't keep putting it off until it's too late. Put off the vasectomy until you are BOTH 100% sure you are both happy.

    Good luck.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    I didn't see this come up.... but have you considered adoption?

    There are so many kids out there in need of a home and a good family to take care of them.
    He wouldn't have to worry about bad genes, or loving a biological child more than a step child, you would have another baby, and your daughter would have a sibling.

    Just a thought.... :flowerforyou:
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    i don't want her to be dependent upon getting married to have a family. She will have no family-- that's my main concern.

    Something else to consider is that sibling closeness isn't a guarantee. I'm sure we just about all of us know at least one set of adult siblings who fight like cats and dogs or won't even speak to each other. And your daughter doesn't have to get married to gain that close knit community like a family can provide. Friends can be oftentimes better than family because we get to choose them. :happy:

    chiming in. I am biologically related as a sibling to two women, one of whom I refer to as my sister, one who is a stranger to me.

    Being related guarantees nothing.

    If your husband is willing to get a vasectomy, HE DOESN'T WANT KIDS.

    If you don't speak up, you'll lose the opportunity soon.

    Talk to him. But, FWIW, I think it's very very selfish of you to try to change his mind. It has nothing to do with your existing daughter, you have baby fever and you want him to join you. He has been honest all along, he has never wanted kids, according to what you said.
  • Lone_Wolf70
    Lone_Wolf70 Posts: 2,820 Member
    I didn't see this come up.... but have you considered adoption?

    There are so many kids out there in need of a home and a good family to take care of them.
    He wouldn't have to worry about bad genes, or loving a biological child more than a step child, you would have another baby, and your daughter would have a sibling.

    Just a thought.... :flowerforyou:

    This a million %.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
    Well... I have never been in your situation, but I have been in your daughter's. I was about 9 by the time I had a sibling. I love her to pieces! But... she was my practice baby. I fed her, bathed her, dressed her, changed her diapers. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about it, but I mention it because you have to realize what kind of relationship your daughter and possible future child will have. It could turn easily from your standard sibling relationship to a caregiver situation. Again, I adore my sister and definitely wouldn't put her back (especially now). But I think that is something you have to consider as well.

    As far as your husband goes, I couldn't really get a feel from what you wrote where he stands on the issue. If he is adamant, there is nothing you can do, but if he is asking you your feelings then he is seeking other input. But then, he just comes back to being adamant. I think what he really wants is not your input, but your approval. Is there anyway that you two can discuss this with a marriage counselor before the surgery? I mean, this is a crucial decision that could define your relationship from this point forward. One or the other is going to have to willingly concede in this or some bitter feelings could form that could damage your marriage in the long term.

    You also really need to look at your own reasons. Your daughter can get through life just fine as an only child. This has to be something that you really want, and honestly, something your husband really wants. Your daughter really should not be a factor in this decision process, which may be why your husband is resisting.

    Best of luck! It's a rough patch, but if you handle yourself well, you should get through it just fine.
  • LemonsAndCoffee
    LemonsAndCoffee Posts: 313 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

    My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

    Actually, not every clinic/state requires a wife's "permission" before a vasectomy is performed (my husband and I just went through this in Washington state and my "permission" was not required).

    Whatever the case be for you OP, please ask your husband to not do anything permanent until you are both on the same page. If my husband and I aren't on the same page, we know that acting on it (in whichever direction) is not right. It is a marriage - you can't just "leave it alone" as one suggested. In the case of having a baby or not, one of you may have to "give up" the idea of having/not having another child because as you said, you can't half a child. It may take years before you're on the same page and there are other birth control options that are highly effective.

    Its also not a choice of husband or baby. I completely understand the fear your husband has however, I try my best not to let my fear run my life. Talk with your hubby and find out what the real issue is . . . there are fears and unknowns in all aspects of life but it shouldn't stop us from going forward. Maybe it is that he really just doesn't want his own kids and he feels he's already compromised having a step-daughter. I starting to ramble in my thoughts. Just please talk. Be honest.
  • _Elemenopee_
    _Elemenopee_ Posts: 2,665 Member
    You need to tell him everything you have said here. All of it. If he still doesn't want to have another child then he doesn't want to have another child. You cannot make him wan't another child.

    Good luck.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    Your daughter really should not be a factor in this decision process.

    She's a child. I bet she wants a pony, too.

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