thoughts about the children of overweight parents

Striking the balance of allowing them food when they are hungry...but limiting the choices.
Think about how emotions play a part in feeding rituals and avoid using food as a reward, celebration... comfort....or punishment.

I'm eighteen years old and have been overweight since I was four. My mom attributes my 4 y.o. weight gain to the fact that her mother got very sick and died and so she was busy being a good daughter and had to put the good mother (i.e. making meals for me) on the back burner for the time being. I would NEVER blame my mom for my weight gain and would NEVER ask her to put me before my grandmother (who was one hell of a woman) but, now, I always whine to her "You should have strapped me onto a treadmill, measured all my food, banned pizza and ice cream and not allowed me to go to birthday parties! SO MANY GOODY BAGS!!!" As a child, adolescent and teen, being overweight SUCKS. It's hard. You get teased, judged, looked down upon and can never quite be like the other kids. I always complain that my mom didn't deprive me then so I could have been happier now.
ON THE OTHER HAND- every single time my mom looks over at my plate and says, "Monica, should you really have a third piece of pizza?" I look her dead in the eye and shove the whole thing in my mouth and swallow without chewing. It's part of the rebellious side of me, I guess, but the more she tries to monitor me or keep tabs the more I want to pig out as if saying 'HA! TAKE THAT!' She always says, "You're not hurting me, sister," and deep down I know that, but I guess it hurts when you feel like you're being watched like some kind of mental patient on the verge of losing control. Especially when I was dieting and would, say, workout and save calories so that I could have a scoop of ice cream and then when I finally got that ice cream, all cold and glorious in my little bowl, to have my mom say, "Monica, you're doing so well, do you really need that ice cream?" It drives me nuts!!!! I know she's doing it out of love, but it's still so frustrating. I still have tons of guilt whenever I eat a "bad food", and I think a lot of those type of feelings come from the way my mom always made me feel weak or like a cheater for eating them.
At the end of the day, I started losing weight because I wanted to. I got fed up with struggling and decided to do it for myself. I know that's cliche but it's true. I think the best thing for any parent to do is to start early and teach your kids to love fruits and veggies and to be active. And if they do get to a point where they need to drop some weight, provide them with as much support and as many tools as you can. Cook healthy meals and buy healthy foods. Sign up for an exercise class together or get them a gym membership and maybe even a nutritionist. Be there to listen and talk to them. Praise them. Notice. I never feel better than when my mom will be looking at me and say "God, you're such a tiny little person!" or "Good choice, Moni." And don't point out when they mess up or chastise them. WE KNOW. Be subtle, "Hey, wanna' play some tennis on Monday evenings?" is a lot better than "You've been sitting on the couch all week!" Don't push them, because they're not gonna' do it until they're ready and it honestly does hurt our feelings.
As kids, we want to make you proud. If you're there for us, that's the most we can ask for!

We do not have a closed kitchen, we keep a limited amount of junk in the house (air popped popcorn, halloween candy-two pieces a week, chips are bought once a month and when they are gone-they are gone, ice cream is natural and a treat once a week), she may have as many veggies as she wants, fruit is not limited unless she goes on a binge of it and could possibly have issues later that day. Dairy is optional (we use soy and nut milks every day) Meat is also optional (her father eats it, I do not), she has a choice between the vegetarian option or the omnivore option. There is no white grain products in the house either, all whole grains and usually in grain form (quinoa, teff, amaranth, millet, brown rice/wild rice, oats). At the moment she is at summer camp and she does eat their food but the processed food is limited and they have the option of milk or water for drinks. At home it's the same, water or milk and juice maybe once a week...no soda unless at a party or outing. We've done away with as much processed foods in the house as possible. She also knows what is healthy and what is not, education is the first line of defense for childhood obesity. While neither me nor her father are over weight we believe that eating properly and excersize are key to being healthy not just maintaining a healthy weight. She's limited to 1-2 hours of tv/video games/movies a day. The rest of the time should be spent outside or playing creative games or reading. It's all about balance otherwise I know she would rebel (same way with attire/friends/ect it's about give and take and how it will work out in the long run, not just the right now).

Funny because I always felt the opposite, I was allowed whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and a lot of times as a child I would eat till I got sick!! I don't know how many times I went to bed feeling sick, all because I over ate. I was thin as a young child, got chunky from ages 8-12 and then thinned out a bit, then got heavy after marriage and kids. Anyways, with my oldest three kids (my youngest is underweight) I have watched what they eat but to a point! If I know they are just saying it because they are bored we will find something to do!

One summer my second son was 5 and went to his grandmas for a month then to his dads for a month (while I was in college) and gained 15lbs!!!!!!! After that I really had to watch him closer and STRESS to my family that NO he didn't need seconds on dinner every night nor desert every night!

I don't have a lot of crap food in my house on a regular basis, I try to save chips, cake etc. for treats on special occasions or for a movie night etc. I am also lucky because my kids are not big on sweets at all. But I do have fibre one bars, fruit snacks, cups of fruit etc. for lunches at school and preschool. I also don't allow seconds at meal time UNLESS its veggies or salad etc. OR if I just give them a little bit at first to try and they like it then I'll give them seconds. I always serve veggies on their plate even if I know they don't like them! They eat fruit every day too and I buy the veggie fruit juice, but they drink a lot of water as well! I buy 1% milk too!

Anyways, I don't go over board and freaky about it, but I try to set SOME good examples!

I'm in a hurry so I can't read all of the posts, but I really needed to say what I was thinking before I left the house,:laugh:

I was raised in an unrestricted house. A European background, meaning everything was centered around food and saying no was disrespectful. Vegetables came in cans, if there were any beside potatoes. Fruit would be fresh and "snacks" had no limits. All three of my siblings were severely obese by age 12 and I was anorexic.

What that has taught me, is education is the key. In recovery, the parents are urged not to control food. But to make sure healthy- not low cal/low fat/diet- foods are available. Take part in meal planning and sharing as a family. Not to fuss over calories because if you are offering whole foods, calories are automatically low. It was quite interesting how out of 20 of us anorexics/bulemics, all of us learned "dieting" from our parents. But not one of us were ever taught that food is for nourishment more than enjoyment or discipline. (Quick note, not all 20 patients were underweight either. Several were obese all their lives.)

What I do with my daughter is a combonation of what I learned in recovery and Love and Logic parenting. (Great book, BTW)

~My kitchen stays stocked with whole foods.
~Treats are bought, like chips, soda, ice cream- only once per month. If she wants to eat them all in one day, I let the tummy ache do the teaching. I can tell you this with confidence, we only had that problem once. The lesson was learned and poor choice not repeated.
~I do NOT talk about calories and fat, but I do teach her to read the labels. What is the portion size listed? Can you pronounce the ingredients? Do you still want that or would you like an apple?
~Meals are served and planned in advance. She has a choice to participate in the planning and preparation. When a meal is served, we sit at the table together, say a word of thanks, and enjoy the meal. I prefer that she not take seconds of one thing untill everything is gone.
~I have taught hre that each meal should include a protien, a whole grain, and lots of veggies, one of which should always be green. She sticks to this when away from home and that makes me very proud. However, when visiting grandma, the veggies are often replaced with fruit and she learned on her own why veggies are so vital.
~We talk openly about food. She tells me about friends who are dieting (10 years old) or counting calories and she worries about them. We live by a motto around here, "We eat to live, not live to eat." While we spend extra time planning or foods, shopping, and being honest- we spend far less time obsessing. We have our days, but they are few.
~I do close the kitchen after dinner, simply because I clean it and that is that. If she wants a snack, I won't say no. But she is expected to leave the kitchen as it was when she went in. What the leads to is, "I'm really not that hungry, just bored" Why? Because she has to think about it and work for it. If she really is hungry, she will do it. But in the beginning, that was more habit than anything because I would let her slide on dinner and have a snack later so she didn't go to bed hungry. But going to bed hungry is a valuble lesson and it only took a few times before she understood why making the choice to participate in planning would be to her benefit.
~Lastly, because our kitchen is stocked with whole foods and I do not have set rules about restricting (not many) she has learned to feel the difference in her body. She would prefer a snack of sliced bananas and strawberries with a drizzle of chocolate sauce for dessert and carrots and hummus for a snack, opposed to 100 cal packs or candy.


OK, I'm running late now.............

Really interesting post and a lot of interesting responses.

I think a huge issue that nobody has yet dealt with is what you, as a parent, CAN'T control- your child's friend's eating habits.

In my house, we never had "brand-name" snacks. We always had fresh fruits and veggies (my dad worked for a wholesale produce company and brought stuff home) but I never really wanted to eat that stuff because it was always there. Having things around all the time makes it really easy to take advantage of it and not want to eat it anymore. For "bad" snacks, we had fake chips and fake cookies and fake everything. So let me tell you, when I went over my next door neighbor's house, I would easily eat an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting with my best friend. I LOVED the real stuff and couldn't get enough of it, so when I was in a situation where I could eat it, I would gorge myself.

For me, my parents weren't teaching me about eating healthy and why it mattered, so that wasn't the issue. The reason we didn't have the "good" stuff was because we couldn't afford it. But I think that your child has to have some sort of understanding of these things, otherwise they will do what I did and eat everything you don't have in the house when they are at a friends. I think education is key.

I'd also be wary of what you do to try and get a child to eat their veggies. For example, my dad would put tons of butter on veggies so we'd eat it, or he'd put velveeta on broccoli, things like that. Sure, we ate the veggies, but at what cost? With all the other added crap, we probably would have been better off not eating it at all!

Another issue with kids today is their level of activity, in many cases, the lack thereof. I babysit a lot, and all these kids want to do is sit in front of the tv or the computer or play video games. When I was a kid, we asked "can I go outside and play?" not "can I watch tv?" We never had a gaming console and didn't have a computer for a long time, and once we had one, the internet was slow and not really very useful and we very rarely were allowed to buy games for it (and when we did, they were educational, like Oregon Trail and Titanic!). I don't really know how to go back to that time where going outside was the best thing in the world, but it needs to be done. I practically have to force the kids I babysit to come outside and play. One of them has a beautiful in-ground pool that they never want to swim in and both families I sit for have big yards (which is unheard of in LA!) and yet they don't want to use them. I try to convince them to come play volleyball or basketball or go on the swing-set, and it is like I am pulling teeth!

In the past, we didn't have to worry so much about what kids ate because they were so active it didn't matter. Now, everything is an issue. I think getting the kids outside to play would be even more helpful in controlling their weight than eating, even though they do still need to learn how to eat right so they don't fall into the problems that many of us did.

I have a 20 month old and he's actually a little underweight for his height already. He is in the picky stage, where he likes fish sticks and cheese. Thank g-d he also LOVES vegetables and fruit.

I never have desserts or junk in the house. I never bake. They are outside treats, and also, my son is allergic to eggs, so he can't have most baked goods.

I have trained him since he started solids, not to like sugary things by not giving them to him. If I open a bar of 72% dark chocolate, that' a different story.

My rule- Big breakfast of oatmeal made with milk and pureed fruit, lunch must include a vegetable and dairy and whole wheat, snack is either dry cereal or apple sauce and a few rice cracker or a brown rice cake, and dinner is a protein, pureed vegetable and a whole grain. Dessert is either fresh fruit or raisins. If he gets an additional cookie, he's still not doing too bad!

I just wanted to add-

I really believe that if a child has a healthy balanced diet, then there is no reason to restrict them. I was always heavy because of the desserts, not the junk. I never ate twizzlers even, but when my mom had a chocolate cake I would be out of control. Also, I think the more you make an 'issue' out of food, the more problems there will be in the future. Food is something to enjoy, but also sustenance and it shouldn't be stressed over. If you have a lot of produce, whole grains, dairy, fish and poultry, I really don't see any reason why a normal active child should be restricted when it comes to food.

QUOTE: "Actually eggs are grouped in with the Meat and Alternatives group (or Meat and Beans in the USA), not dairy."

I remember seeing pictures of the dairy with eggs -- maybe that's an old picture, maybe it wasn't the food pyramid. You'd be surprised at how many Americans thinks that eggs are part of the dairy group. We constantly have wait staff trying to sort out what our child could have off the menu and make sure to tell us that eggs are or are not in a certain dish. We gently remind them that dairy and eggs come from different animals. They are usually quite surprised. Maybe it's not because of anything the food pyramid has done, maybe it's just the fact that most people have absolutely no connection to where their food comes from. I've had parents get upset that my kids have told their kids what animal a certain kind of meat comes from. I believe if your going to eat meat you need to come to terms that the animal lost its life for your sustenance. Reverence and respect should follow. I know not everyone agrees, but that's what I teach my kids.

Both of my parents are overweight. I don't remember much of my eating habits as a kid but I do recall it was unhealthy....lots of cheeseburgers, mac and cheese, ice cream, pizza etc., not a whole lot of fruits, vegetables, or whole grains. My mom NEVER said 'no' to me when I asked for food. My dad wasn't around too much but when he was, he was eating and sitting on the couch. I never learned healthy habits, however, I knew that my lifestyle was wrong and I was overweight. I remember being really ashamed in the 6th grade when I found out that in order to be on the football team you had to be a minimum of 150 lbs. I very clearly remembered that I was about 160 lbs at the time and I was SO embarrased about how I was able to be on the football team, even though I was a girl in middle school. Also, I was really badly teased for most of my childhood because of my weight.

Though I find it interesting, my parents did not teach me or tell me that I should be active and eat well -- I had to find that out myself and it's something I'm going to stick with. Meanwhile, I have friends whose parents strictly limited their food and made them be active when they were younger....they were VERY skinny and then when they got to college, they were the ones who gained the freshman fifteen! Meanwhile I have lost about 10 lbs from the beginning of my freshman year.