BF Issues - HELP/ADVICE?

Mandykinz2008 · April 2013

Okay so I'm in a situation and I'm honestly not all that sure how to respond at this point. Let me make it clear that I really love my boyfriend and we have always gotten along really well. We love each other very much..but lately we've hit a..problem.

The first 6 months we were together once our physical relationship began we had no issues. As a matter of fact I'd say it was amazing..best I ever experienced. However..after about 6 months it started tapering off and for the last 4 months = nothing. OBVIOUSLY as a woman this really bothers me. I love him and I want to be able to share that with him. Up until recently I thought well maybe something is going wrong physically or maybe there's something else and we can work through it once he gets the guts to say something.

Last weekend we tried to discuss it and it came out that my weight scares him. I always knew he didn't like "fat" people in that way and that I obviously didn't want to become obese, but I didn't know he meant right now? I mean, I'm the exact same size as when he met me and he asked me out. I haven't lost a ton of weight but I also haven't gained an ounce. So basically..he's telling me his "mister" won't operate because he doesn't like my size. Basically he can't get it on because I'm fat. He said he was so sorry and how horrible he feels. And after he realized how devastated I was he's been super sweet and compliments me all the time. However..problem isn't fixed and now I'm more self-conscious then ever.

Honestly I know I'm not ideal sized. I'm 5'3'' and about 145lbs. Obviously I'm overweight but I never thought I was HUGE. I mean I'm a large busted woman but my pants are AE size 4/6.

I don't know what to do. I love him but at this point I feel disgusting. I can't imagine the next time we DO get together in that manner because I'm going to know I don't look the way he wants..talk about fear. I don't want to be THAT GIRL that cries..ya know?

Anyway he said he wants to talk tonight. I really don't want to leave him over this, but I also don't want to feel like I do right now. I want to feel sexy..I want to feel beautiful..ESPECIALLY to my significant other. Even if nobody else thinks I'm hot..shouldn't my boyfriend? Shouldn't I, of all people, be that turn on? How can it change almost over night when I haven't changed at all?

Any advice or help would be appreciated. Please don't tell me I'm just fat or nasty as that's not helpful. But anyone experienced anything like this?

Mandykinz2008 · April 2013

Seriously? Nobody?

aniraksolis · April 2013

If it wasn't an issue before, I don't understand how it is an issue now. What has changed since you first got together? Not to put bad thoughts in your head, but could it possibly be that there's some one else?
Either way, don't let him determine if and how much weight you should lose. I know it sounds cliché, but you're not going to be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself. Figure out if losing weight is something you WANT to do. If you do, hopefully things get better, but if you're happy with your size, don't lose an ounce for him and find someone who will love and appreciate you just the way you are.
BTW, feeling sexy and beautiful are determined by you, not by your boyfriend or parents or friends. This is something that comes from within. I hope that helps. Best of luck.

choconuts · April 2013

I would straight up ask him why his equipment worked in the beginning, but supposedly isn't working now when apparently nothing has changed with your weight.

He's lying about something.

Then, I'd show him the door.

socajam · April 2013

Only you can make yourself feel sexy and important. Lose the weight for you, because at the end of the day if you cannot love yourself nobody else will do it. My SO is the same, but guess what February I decided to take the bull by the horns and have lost 13 pounds since then, can he leave me alone - know. Yesterday was my birthday, I received the most beautiful card and a heavy check enclosed - was this because I am trying to lose weight and he can see the difference, you bet. But I am doing it for me and if he is happy in the process so much the better.

Men are visual creatures, they think with their penises regardless of what they say. Give a man a good piece of sex and you can get anything you want out of him, don't let anyone tell you that is not true. The better you look, the more confident you are going feel for yourself and in your relationship - but do it for you.

My goal for myself is walk around the house naked - and to do that I have to lose the weight. I do not want to see my butt 3 feet behind, my stomach 3 feet in front and my boobs somewhere else. The small amount of weight I have lost so far have made a big difference in our lives, I hasten to wonder when I lose the next 30.

Talk to him and ask for his help in the tough road you have ahead, because losing weight is not an easy job. Good luck. Do not let him box you into a time frame on how long it will take to lose the weight; if he ask for a time, give a time that you will comfortable to work with.

chellesprague · April 2013

I would say that there is most likely something else going on if you are still the same weight but he says that your size is the problem. I'm sorry people don't just wake up and decide that they cannot perform because of something overnight.

On the other hand if you love him and he still loves you there is hope of making it work. But both people have to be working together.

And a side note don't let him make you feel "fat" you are not and you should be with someone that makes you feel beautiful and wanted.

Be Happy and Be Yourself!

chrisjathompson · April 2013

You could lose weight, but it's not going to fix it. Some people find it very difficult to ask for the little blue pill, it's easier to just blame someone else.

Mandykinz2008 · April 2013

It's crossed my mind I guess but honestly I don't get that gut feeling that he's lying or cheating. Honestly I don't think I'm ugly..and before it was said I was feeling pretty good about myself. I know my body isn't perfect, but most people's aren't and I'm not at any health risk the size I am (I'm a regular at doctors for other medical conditions and none of them are concerned about my size..I've asked).

I try to eat healthy but my body just doesn't like to lose. I was doing yoga 5-6 times a week, but I tore all the ligaments in my ankle so right now I'm in a boot. I just feel it came up at a time that I can't do ANYTHING..but even when I HAVE tried my body just doesn't react the way the average person's does due to medications that I'm on. My body is content the size it is or something cuz I am adamant about calorie counting.

It's just a huge punch to the gut when anyone makes a statement about your weight..but it's that much worse when it's the most important person in your life. I guess in some ways I didn't like how I looked but my saving grace was that obviously HE does or he wouldn't have asked me out to begin with. Now all that is shattered and I'm finally to the point I'm not balling my eyes out about it..and I wanted to seek out an unbiased opinion.

As for "the little blue pill"..if that's the issue I'm all for him getting it. Honestly not anything I'd judge..I'd welcome it with open arms.

Jesswatt10 · April 2013

I agree with the previous posters... that he's lying about something and that you should feel sexy for yourself not someone else.
TBH, I feel like he's deflecting your attention from a different issue by playing on your insecurities about your weight. It's a classic move. OR he's got some kind of medical issue going on. BUT he still shouldn't blame your appearance to cover for his inability to perform. As hard as it is, I agree with choconuts, it's time to show him the door. You deserve someone who build you up and brings out the best in you.
Also, I'm 5'4" and 145 pounds so you and I are not too different, we are not even close to being unattractive because of our weight. 90% of sexiness is confidence anyways... you'll never have that with this guy.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

GRUNO · April 2013

Honey, you don't have a weight problem, you have a boyfriend problem. If he truly cannot perform, he should see a doctor. A healthy young man shouldn't have trouble getting an erection.

On top of that, it's wrong for him to put the blame on you. Your weight is not the issue and even if it is, do you really want to be with a man who only wants you if you meet some arbitrary standard of beauty?

maillemaker · April 2013

Hi Mandy,

OK, first of all, from looking at your pictures, there is nothing wrong with you. You really can't get a good idea of what you look like from the poses/clothes you are wearing but from what I can see you are plenty pretty enough for a guy to find you attractive. I'm assuming you still look like your pictures.

Here's something else: If he's a healthy guy, he's getting off at least 3 times a week. If it's not with you, it's with his hand or someone else.

Here's something else: If he's a healthy guy and you start rubbing your hands on him, he's going to be at attention. He can't stop it from happening. He may not find you attractive, but he'll still be at attention. It's why male rape is a real thing. It's a physiological response.

I'm 42, and my wife is 37. She has had two children, and she has put on a lot of weight. She probably weighs about like I do - 280 pounds or so but she is only about 5'4" or so. She's got massive cottage cheese thighs that are starting to overlap her calves, and a giant gut that hangs down near her crotch. Sad to say, It *is* an extreme turn-off. My wife and I still have sex because we love each other and we enjoy sex. But I try to close my eyes while we do it.

I did not tell my wife this for a long time, because I did not want to be like my father who constantly berated my mother over her weight. But I felt I had to be honest, so I did. I think it's OK with us because I understand that looks don't last forever. Yeah, it might be a shame that we got ugly by 40 but I was never very good looking anyways and it's going to happen sooner or later no matter what.

The bottom line is this: If he's not "into you" enough to want to have sex, you need to get to the bottom of that issue NOW because it is never going to resolve itself during marriage.

mdawson47 · April 2013

I feel so sorry for you hunny, but consider what it will be next time, will he want you to change other things about yourself?
The way you dress, the people you see?
It sounds like its a control issue and because he knows that your vulnerable about your weight it is the easiest thing to give you as a believable reason to either get you to do what he wants or to put you off the scent of what he may be getting up to.
We don't know him, and we don't know you, but you asked us for help and do you really want to live your life trying to be someone that he wants you to be, or do you want to be the person you want to be?
Loose weight by all means, if it is what you want to do , but do it for you and not for him, good luck and I hope that it all goes well tonight.
All our advice is leaning towards him being a bad guy but maybe he has got things going on in his head that are causing him issues resulting in his lack of sex drive, it is a symptom of depression.
And its always easier to put the blame on someone else (e.g in this case you) than to face up to your issues, espcially as there is still such a stigma relating to mental health.
I think that there are lots of things for you to think about and discuss and you know where we are if you need us.

andii4 · April 2013

I agree with the previous posters... that he's lying about something and that you should feel sexy for yourself not someone else.
TBH, I feel like he's deflecting your attention from a different issue by playing on your insecurities about your weight. It's a classic move. OR he's got some kind of medical issue going on. BUT he still shouldn't blame your appearance to cover for his inability to perform. As hard as it is, I agree with choconuts, it's time to show him the door. You deserve someone who build you up and brings out the best in you.
Also, I'm 5'4" and 145 pounds so you and I are not too different, we are not even close to being unattractive because of our weight. 90% of sexiness is confidence anyways... you'll never have that with this guy.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree 100%. I've put some weight on since my now fiance and I got together. I've just started paying more attention, working out and eating better. Anyway, he tells me how beautiful I am each and everyday. That's the way it's supposed to be. Do you really want to be with someone who will punish you and put you down just because your looks change? Sorry, but it makes me so mad listening to you talk and defend him. He did an a-hole thing. I hope he is begging for your forgiveness tonight. If he's not and you stay with him then it will get worse. Think about the message you would be sending. Hey, dude, it's ok to put down my self confidence when he KNOWS you are insecure about it. That is not love. That's cruel. Be with someone that builds you up and forget the rest.

Ultimately it's up to you what you will allow in your life. I'm so sorry that happened. Chin up!

MinnieInMaine · April 2013

I'm pretty much going to ditto what GRUNO said.

When Hubs and I first got together, he had this issue with focusing on the wrong thing when it came to any disagreements. Eventually I figured it out and started asking - ok, that doesn't make sense because (example), what's really wrong?
In your case, obviously it can't be your weight because if you're exactly the same as you were when you two met and he had no problem then, something must have changed and as far as I can tell from this one sided point of view, it sounds like that something is on him. Could be just about anything but he needs to figure it out and find a way to get over it if you two are going to continue on with this relationship.

At your age, unless he's got some sort of health issue, a sex life gone stale in that short of a period of time is pretty much unheard of. It's much more likely to be emotional/mental or stress. Or there has got to be something that he hasn't told you about.. I really hope you two can get to the bottom of it during your talk tonight! And whatever you do, please don't settle for this guy thinking "if I can just lose the weight we'll be happy". That is way too much pressure and anxiety for anyone to deal with. IMHO, if he really loves you, a few extra pounds shouldn't make that much of a difference!

paintlisapurple · April 2013

I would straight up ask him why his equipment worked in the beginning, but supposedly isn't working now when apparently nothing has changed with your weight.

He's lying about something.

Then, I'd show him the door.

Right, I agree with the part that he isn't being completely honest. If it was fine before, and you had no real change to speak of...then something changed within him. I'm sorry.

Mandykinz2008 · April 2013

Thanks for all the support. He really isn't a bad person..I truly think he's an amazing person and I'm not saying that as some whipped abuse victim. Maybe we aren't right for each other or maybe there's another issue and he's deflecting..but I don't think it makes him bad. However..I do think him saying what he did was an a-hole thing and he's very much aware of that and has been apologizing ever since. I guess at this point I have to decide whether I can get over it and so does he. I don't want a sex-less relationship..and I don't want to feel like I'm with someone who doesn't find me attractive.

Will just have to wait and see at this point. I appreciate the thoughtful advice/comments

PS. Those are very recent pictures. I am very modest and try to dress my body type as flattering as possible, but yes..I look like my pictures.

frogconspiracy · April 2013

"Honey, you don't have a weight problem, you have a boyfriend problem. "

I couidn't agree more. Our partners need to love us, support us, and stand by us. This man doesn't value you. There will always be something, you weigh to much, you have wrinkles, etc. Take the hard step now, and walk away so that you can find someone that truly deserves you.

supplemama · April 2013

I would straight up ask him why his equipment worked in the beginning, but supposedly isn't working now when apparently nothing has changed with your weight.

He's lying about something.

Then, I'd show him the door.

^^^THIS

It never ceases to amaze me how young women waste time and energy and give their hearts to jerks. But you know what? I was a young dumb girl once too. Count this as a lesson learned and keep it moving!

Honestly, he's ridiculous. Move on.

TimeForMe99 · April 2013

Honey, you don't have a weight problem, you have a boyfriend problem. If he truly cannot perform, he should see a doctor. A healthy young man shouldn't have trouble getting an erection.

On top of that, it's wrong for him to put the blame on you. Your weight is not the issue and even if it is, do you really want to be with a man who only wants you if you meet some arbitrary standard of beauty?

^^This

Obviously something has changed. He's putting this on you because it's easier than owning up to the real issue. It could be work/school or he may be having some other problems not related to women and the bedroom.

Please don't lose weight or change yourself in any other way for him. It needs to be for you. If he doesn't see how beautiful you are then he's not the right guy.

08kat · April 2013

WOW, the only words of advice I have come from my mom......The only time you can change a man is when he is still in diapers. I have been married for 28 years and have found that I cannot change my husband, I just have learned to accept him for who he is, as he does me. Just one more fyi, I really hate the term "fat", I prefer fluffy. Good luck!!!

hot2def · April 2013

You are not the problem. He is using you to pass of the real reason. Be proud of who you are and love yourself. Tell him to either be honest or hit the bricks.

xscarletXbegoniasx · April 2013

You deserve better. Although you may love him and you probably have good times together, you deserve someone who loves you for YOU. Despite your weight, whatever. Its better to go now while you've only been together a short time. What if you were to have kids together and you have some baby weight on after and hes going to again be grossed out by you? That is not something you want to teach your kids. But hey this is just my opinion good luck

Jesswatt10 · April 2013

He may be a good person, but it sounds like he's not good for you. He says he wants to talk tonight but unless he has some new insight and TRUTH as to why he doesn't want to get physical with you then I think you should reevaluate things.
I was with a 'good guy' who brought out the absolute worst in me and I didn't even realize it for years. The minute it was officially over I felt like a new person, it was amazing. It was agonizing making the decision to leave, but once I did it was such a relief. He made me feel like crap about myself and to be honest, he never did it on purpose, it was just the dynamic that the relationship had. The only thing to do is walk away and make yourself the priority.

Sagesdvice · April 2013

First, I have to say that you are only a little overweight, not fat. I have to agree that there there is something else going on. I don't think it's your appearance. I would have to ask what are his stats? Could he be having stress issues, perhaps at work, or other health issues?
Men are funny critters (I know, I'm one, lol), and we don't like to admit, even to ourselves that any lack or fault is ours. We look to find that fault in others so we can lie to ourselves and think we are perfect. Just wish we could get away with that and have it all work out, lol.
In any case, have that talk, and see what he has to say. If he's not interested in someone else, then go for it, and tell him you want him to sit back and relax, and let you do the work - if you can arouse him, great, if not, then he needs to see a Dr.
Sage

lizziebeth1028 · April 2013

You don't have a problem, he does. YOU ARE NOT HEAVY, you look healthy and fit. There are plenty of guys out there that would find you attractive. That's neither here or there. The point is he should love you for who you are. My gut feeling...he's hiding something. And being a classic *kitten* by deflecting the blame onto you. I'm not saying dump him, but dump him. Well OK have a good heart to heart discussion first but be prepared to cut your losses and move on.

ninerbuff · April 2013

Sounds like he's looking to "sow some oats" before really settling down.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

cwojo · April 2013

GET A NEW BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!:

marqcutie80 · April 2013

I don't want a sex-less relationship..and I don't want to feel like I'm with someone who doesn't find me attractive.

You need to repeat exactly this to him when you talk about it tonight. This is 100% honest and there's nothing wrong with letting him know what he said hurt you and has now made you feel insecure. He may not have meant it to come out that way.

If he continues to act like a douche, you can always tell him that even though he's got a small d**k you're still willing to have sex with him.

UnoDrea3732 · April 2013

Sounds like an excuse for something else. Even at my heaviest (320lbs) I never heard that excuse.

djtessatessa · April 2013

Sounds like he is a huge douche bag who is preying on your insecurities. Get rid of him.

CM9178 · April 2013

Honey, you don't have a weight problem, you have a boyfriend problem. If he truly cannot perform, he should see a doctor. A healthy young man shouldn't have trouble getting an erection.

On top of that, it's wrong for him to put the blame on you. Your weight is not the issue and even if it is, do you really want to be with a man who only wants you if you meet some arbitrary standard of beauty?

This.
P.S. - I'm 5'2 and my goal is 135, so I guess I'll be "fat".

BF Issues - HELP/ADVICE?

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