Thank goodness for fat shaming!
Replies
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I'm pretty senisitive about people commenting negatively on my weight...I always have been. What I hate even more is people telling me that I'm 'cute' because of my roundness. For goodness sakes, I'm a mother of three...I don't do 'cute'! Anyway, it's what I see in the mirror that counts. I'm not going to say that what other people think doesn't count, but I definitely wouldn't have come back to MFP had I been bappy with what I saw. This isn't fat shaming...it's ME shaming0
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I think she could have worded her comments better, but if name calling worked for you I guess that is OK. Personally I always knew I was overweight and hated anyone telling me. I was not ready to lose weight until I was ready. No one's comments would have made a difference.
This. The first part of the comment was spot on. Talking about someone's health and how scary their breathing has become is a good way to approach a situation like this. Turning immediately to talking about how unattractive they've become is not. You shouldn't have to shame someone into having a real, honest, and important conversation about change. Shaming someone usually encourages them to believe that they are not worthy. Supporting someone encourages them to make the necessary changes for themselves.0 -
Obviously you and your mom have a very open, honest relationship with each other. Some people (as stated above) would take the comment to be offensive, but if it's something she felt she needed to say, and was able to get her point across to you then great. Congrats on the weight loss!0
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I understand your sentiments exactly. My husband and I were in a similar situation a couple of years ago, where we had put on a fair bit of weight and were only peripherally aware of it. It wasn't until we looked at some pictures that were taken of the two of us that we realized how bad it had gotten. When the two of us looked at each other and made Moby **** jokes we knew it was time to start overhauling our lifestyles to get back into shape. Hearing, "Put down the cookie, tubby." can be really motivating coming from the right person.0
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I would have serious concerns for the children of anyone who thinks that a parent telling their child they look like a whale constitutes an "open, honest relationship". (No offence, just being honest. :ohwell: )Obviously you and your mom have a very open, honest relationship with each other. Some people (as stated above) would take the comment to be offensive, but if it's something she felt she needed to say, and was able to get her point across to you then great. Congrats on the weight loss!0 -
Can you really put on 50 pounds and not know about it? I really am asking this seriously, not intending to hurt anybody.
Yes. I gained weight and had no idea I looked like I did until a series of pics. I also have a friend I see only on FB who has gained a lot of weight yet posts pics of her in spandex with comments diva, sexy and fit, yawl wish you looked this good. She has no idea how big she is. Most people don't.0 -
I totally agree with this- for some people I feel like it happens so steadily that they don’t even realize. That’s how it happened to me. Now, it wasn’t what anyone said to me that made me see the light but rather some pictures from an outing where I was looking like Tubs Mcghee. I think it’s fine to tell people they’re gaining weight, and honestly? All my best friends, hell even just good friends, know that I would want to be made aware.
I don’t really understand all of these comments saying that what your mum said was going too far. I suppose it’s because I grew up with foreign parents (living in US). I don’t know if you know but foreign parents keep that **** real. If you’re fat you will be let known by not only your parents but your aunts/ uncles as well. It’s not meant to be hurtful; it’s an observation of the truth- if you’re fat, you’re fat and for them its that simple.
I know it’s a generalization but I feel like a lot of American kids [read: not the product of 1st or 2nd generation immigrants] are too dang sensitive. I have a very tough skin and no matter what someone says to me I’m not very likely to get upset. However, I feel like a lot of my peers are always getting their feelings hurt over things that they should be able to brush off. But that’s a rant for another time…
Why get sad when someone calls you fat? Seriously- if it upsets you do something about it. If you love yourself the way you are and are happy then why even hold onto those comments and let yourself get worked up over it in any way?
Yep this. I'm originally from Eastern Europe and my dad has no problem calling me out when I've gone too far in either direction. I've been chicken legs and thunder thighs lol. My Turkish husband's 80 yr old great aunt told me her weight at my age (which was obviously less than me) and warned me not to eat too much bread. It's not for everyone but I don't mind tough love. I think in other cultures ppl don't take it as personally. It's not a comment on your character or general worth, just a comment on habits.0 -
My mom kind of said the same thing to me when I was 20. I had gone to California to live with my aunt and uncle and go to school. I weighed about 105lbs when I left home. I was only there a few months before I got homesick and came back. During the time I was there, I got little to no exercise and my aunt was always ordering candygrams. My aunt would cook chicken for her dogs and then nothing for the humans. She got offended once when I told her I was going to eat with the dogs. Needless to say between the lack of exercise and crap eating I gained 20lbs in a few months. She had a pool but doing a few laps a day did not help in not gaining weight. The day I came back home the first words out of my moms mouth was my weight. She said Amy what happened, you got so fat. I weighed like 125-130 at the time. I did show the weight in my face. My mom was not thin, she weighed 200lbs. Once I got back home and into a normal routine with healthier eating and being more active I lost the weight without really trying very hard.0
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I think guilt & shame are seriously unrated in our society today. I think walking on egg shells, political correctness and ever prized/valued and highly sought after "good" self esteem is at the root of so very many of our modern day society's ills and woes. I'm a firm believer in "A wound ( The sharpest reproofs) from a friend is better than kisses (All the outward profession of friendship) from an enemy". Good for you for being grateful/thankful for your mom's (your friend) sharp words/reproof. Not many people today appreciate that kind of "love" and see it not as "love" but as mean/hatred/foul.
To each is own though....for sure!0 -
A bit harsh, but sometimes that's what's needed. I don't like it when people sugar coat everything and when others play the victim card about being overweight because of someone else bringing in bad food.
My mom would be the same way if I got real big, she'd let me have it, and I know it would be because she loves me and wants me healthy.0 -
I think its great that people can care about each other. Alot of people are full of good intentions. Delivery of those good intentions is sometimes without tact. Making cheap shots is not the way to do it. Instead of saying "you are a big fat pig", how about saying "I started working out, I feel great and would recommend it to anyone !!" An old saying "Don't judge lest you be judged" Cheap shots are non-constructive critisms and cheap judgements. Always be constructive and not hurtful. Thanks folks !!!
I tried this very thing -- when my obese friend had just gone through her second operation for a hernia, and her doctor had advised her to start losing weight. She shared her desire with me, and when I was supportive and said "I will be your walking buddy, let's go!" "I will help you out with healthy food suggestions, try..." and "Let's be honest and keep each other in check, okay?" It was met with "Well...I'm too busy to walk" and "There is NO way I am going to give up xyz, I like it too much!" and then, eventually, she started criticizing my calorie counting, my desire for regular exercise, etc. She also started calling me "Bones" and was making snide comments about how I am TOO rigid with my food choices, TOO much into fitness, etc.
So, while I feel it is totally inappropriate to call out a fat person for their fatness, it goes BOTH ways when it comes to inappropriate name calling.
I feel it is a real slippery slope to even engage in discussions with people who aren't ready to acknowledge their problem OR have a willingness to change.
I've stopped trying to talk to her, as it is clear she does NOT want to change. I will stick with those friends on my list who openly and willingly accept from me a swift kick in their virtual pants.0 -
If tough love is an option and no sugar coating, for those who prescribe to it, I think at the very least those making such comments should also offer some rational for the comment, make positve recommendations towards a remedy, and even provide support. Like "Hey you are fat, I'm concerned about your health and am willing to give you a hand to get better" or something like that.0
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If tough love is an option and no sugar coating, for those who prescribe to it, I think at the very least those making such comments should also offer some rational for the comment, make positve recommendations towards a remedy, and even provide support. Like "Hey you are fat, I'm concerned about your health and am willing to give you a hand to get better" or something like that.
I serve as a judge at Power of the Pen competitions -- writing competitions for middle school kids. I use the "cheeseburger" approach. I begin with a positive statement about the writing, a "constructive" piece of advice for improving, and end with another positive statement.
I use that with my own students, and it seems to work fine. For some adults, they just want to go right for the throat. While I try not to, I HAVE laid it on the line for people who have asked me. It's what they want and need.0 -
Can you really put on 50 pounds and not know about it? I really am asking this seriously, not intending to hurt anybody.
Yes. I gained weight and had no idea I looked like I did until a series of pics. I also have a friend I see only on FB who has gained a lot of weight yet posts pics of her in spandex with comments diva, sexy and fit, yawl wish you looked this good. She has no idea how big she is. Most people don't.
That right there is real fat shaming. Implying because someone is overweight they can not be comfortable and beautiful in whatever clothes they want. If she feels confident and likes what she sees what's it to you. because of comments like that made to me I can't even wear short sleeve shirts, ever, because I know people will either think or say that I'm to fat for it. Even though I've worked my butt off to get where I'm at I can't enjoy it because of crap like that...0 -
If tough love is an option and no sugar coating, for those who prescribe to it, I think at the very least those making such comments should also offer some rational for the comment, make positve recommendations towards a remedy, and even provide support. Like "Hey you are fat, I'm concerned about your health and am willing to give you a hand to get better" or something like that.
I serve as a judge at Power of the Pen competitions -- writing competitions for middle school kids. I use the "cheeseburger" approach. I begin with a positive statement about the writing, a "constructive" piece of advice for improving, and end with another positive statement.
I use that with my own students, and it seems to work fine. For some adults, they just want to go right for the throat. While I try not to, I HAVE laid it on the line for people who have asked me. It's what they want and need.
In the UK we call that a s**t sandwich
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For me, I've been called beached whale, sumo wrestler, had cow sounds, mocked at when I was a restaurant, told no man would want to sleep with me because I would roll over on them and a host of other "supportive" comments.
Strangely enough...NONE OF THOSE COMMENTS WORKED! I just got heavier and deeper into my food addiction because they confirmed what a worthless sack of sh_t I was. All those nice "motivating" comments helped push me closer to 400lbs.
It wasnt until I recently have started to want to tolerate myself and maybe even like myself that I took the steps to take care of myself.
To each their own, if being called a whale was motivating kudos, but for me and a host of other sensitive souls it's not a way to "shame the fat away."0 -
Can you really put on 50 pounds and not know about it? I really am asking this seriously, not intending to hurt anybody.
I did in this past year. I was going through a LOT though!0 -
So basically, what you're saying is "Thank goodness for abuse!" "Thank goodness someone made me feel bad about myself!"
All I have to say to this thread is, just because you're losing weight, or have lost weight, doesn't make you any better than others who haven't or who don't want to. Don't kid yourselves into thinking that you're somehow superior to larger people, and don't even kid yourselves that you care about other peoples health, or their fitness.
Who other people are, what they are, is nothing to do with you. So stop with the self aggrandising, it's so unbecoming.
I never said I felt superior to anyone - except the "old me" when I was not taking care of myself. As I said in one of my earlier replies, I'm not suggesting that people go around calling each other names. That is awful.
I personally needed a wake-up call. When my mother spoke to me it was not abuse - it was the brutal honesty that I needed.0 -
My son would call me "fat cow" and hubby would call me "oompa" Went right over my head. I was in denial about my weight..... till I had a photo taken of me without me knowing.
Now I still get my son to call me fat cow & hubby calls me something new.....something better. I love the shaming. Sorry but if you are in denial then you DO need someone to point it out.... in any way possible. Otherwise later you ask "why didnt you tell me I was fat?"
I'll tell you you are fat & need to workout way way more instead of 'wishing' you were like me.0 -
While I was in college gaining 25lbs I wish my mother had told me I was getting fat because believe it or not I didn't see it. I was so busy with my studies I wasn't conscious of my weight gain.
Plus I had a bunch of "friends" on facebook telling me how good I looked :grumble:
All in All I wish someone had said something sooner, someone said that was abuse, but if you're fat from poor diet you deserve an intervention with people saying "you're fat get it together".0 -
I totally agree with this- for some people I feel like it happens so steadily that they don’t even realize. That’s how it happened to me. Now, it wasn’t what anyone said to me that made me see the light but rather some pictures from an outing where I was looking like Tubs Mcghee. I think it’s fine to tell people they’re gaining weight, and honestly? All my best friends, hell even just good friends, know that I would want to be made aware.
I don’t really understand all of these comments saying that what your mum said was going too far. I suppose it’s because I grew up with foreign parents (living in US). I don’t know if you know but foreign parents keep that **** real. If you’re fat you will be let known by not only your parents but your aunts/ uncles as well. It’s not meant to be hurtful; it’s an observation of the truth- if you’re fat, you’re fat and for them its that simple.
I know it’s a generalization but I feel like a lot of American kids [read: not the product of 1st or 2nd generation immigrants] are too dang sensitive. I have a very tough skin and no matter what someone says to me I’m not very likely to get upset. However, I feel like a lot of my peers are always getting their feelings hurt over things that they should be able to brush off. But that’s a rant for another time…
Why get sad when someone calls you fat? Seriously- if it upsets you do something about it. If you love yourself the way you are and are happy then why even hold onto those comments and let yourself get worked up over it in any way?
OHYOUSILLYGIRL, u r so correct, people are very, very sensitive and it is to the point where even Doctors are afraid to tell their patients to eat less, eat healthier and lose weight.
OP, the love your Mother has for you is a blessing...sometimes a Mother will tell you what needs to be said. So sorry anyone doubts your Mom's right to know her child. Many of us miss Mom very much....your Mother is wonderful and she is obviously an important person in your life.0 -
You know.. I get it.
When my mother said "Nina, you are really starting to put on some weight, aren't you"? It really got me thinking and made me get in shape. Just that sentence.0 -
AMEN... People who dont have a weight problem can't understand. I think everybody needs to have to be fat just 2 months and they will see the truth.0
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My dad used to call me fat all the time, at 135lbs, so after being pregnant and gaining weight the comments got worse, but it was good motivation for me I guess, it made me mad enough that I did something about it. :noway:
Anyways, congrats on the weight loss and keep it up!0 -
I got married and moved from Chicago to Arizona. After a year, I came back to visit my parents, and the FIRST thing my dad said was "You got chubby."
That's impossible in Arizona. The sun burns the fat right off your body.
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I think guilt & shame are seriously unrated in our society today. I think walking on egg shells, political correctness and ever prized/valued and highly sought after "good" self esteem is at the root of so very many of our modern day society's ills and woes. I'm a firm believer in "A wound ( The sharpest reproofs) from a friend is better than kisses (All the outward profession of friendship) from an enemy". Good for you for being grateful/thankful for your mom's (your friend) sharp words/reproof. Not many people today appreciate that kind of "love" and see it not as "love" but as mean/hatred/foul.
To each is own though....for sure!
:drinker: Agree 100%0 -
I got married and moved from Chicago to Arizona. After a year, I came back to visit my parents, and the FIRST thing my dad said was "You got chubby."
That's impossible in Arizona. The sun burns the fat right off your body.
I wish it had been that simple. Instead the sun burned the top layer of skin right off my body. I got sun poisoning my first full day there because I was naive enough to believe that the sun wasn't as intense in April in AZ as it is in Chicago in July. I spent an hour in a half in the sun, and three days in misery.0 -
OHYOUSILLYGIRL, u r so correct, people are very, very sensitive and it is to the point where even Doctors are afraid to tell their patients to eat less, eat healthier and lose weight.
I think we'd have fewer obese children if doctors were more abrupt, honest and in-your-face with parents. Same goes for adults. But, adults don't necessarily bring themselves to the doctor on a regular basis.0 -
i really disagree with this.
i suppose it depends on experience, but my gran once said to me 'oh you've gotten fat haven't you, well fatter'
i already new that i was overweight and her fat shaming just made me feel awful.
i began dieting 3 months after she said this to me and it was nothing to do with her comment.
i didn't diet because of her, i did it because of me.0 -
Glad you aren't so easily offended... If my MOTHER called me a WHALE it would not be okay! There are alot of nicer ways to tell someone they are concerned about their health. If my mother said something like that to me, she would owe me a ton of apologies!0
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